


Ghosts

by Angmar



Series: Runaway [2]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2019-10-22 04:19:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 116
Words: 158,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17655950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angmar/pseuds/Angmar
Summary: Ghosts is a sequel to 'Runaway'."Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This story is a sequel to "Runaway".

_This was the day I feared the most_

__When all that's left inside is a memory and a ghost_ _

__Of everything we know_ _

 

(Quote: The Ghost of You and I - Story of the Year)


	2. Dana

Maddox was trying really hard. Six weeks had gone by and he hadn't raped her yet – he hadn't even tried to kiss her. Sometimes he held her hand or laid an arm around her, but that was all. 

Still it was grueling. All those time she had the feeling to walk on glass. She was constantly alert, contemplated every word she said and all the time she was afraid that he would lose his patience. Every night they had dinner together where he was trying to keep a conversation going, but it was never from heart to heart. 

Dana couldn't tell him what thoughts occupied her mind. That she thought about Juice continuously, being so worried she barely slept at night. She didn't even dare to speak out his name. As long as Maddox managed to pretend Juice didn't exist, the situation seemed to be stable. But as soon as he felt that she still loved him... his friendliness would easily meet an end. 

It was exhausting to keep up appearances, but she had to. Not only because of what he would do to her, but also to Kip. Maddox had made some kind of personal servant of him and even though Dana knew Kip hated it, he behaved meekly because of her. It had been a smart move from Maddox; this way he could be sure she would never harm herself. 

Dana glanced at her watch. It was 3:25 PM. She stood up and walked outside, to the beach that bordered the house. There she sat down in the two-person swing looking over the sea. Sometimes she sat there with Maddox, but mostly with Kip. 

It had became their fixed meeting place, every day on half past three. Maddox never objected, he allowed them a moment together. Usually he was in the office anyway around this hour, having Skype conversations with his business partners. Actually they were free to go wherever they wanted – they couldn't leave the island anyway. It was just a small patch of land and the dock was guarded 24/7, that had been one of the first things they had discovered. 

"How do you feel today?" Kip asked as he sat down next to her. "You feel a bit better?"

Letting out a deep sigh, Dana leaned with her head against his shoulder. She stroked her belly. For a few weeks she was assuming something was growing inside her, but she hadn't dared to share her suspicions. Giving birth to a child that wasn't Maddox's would probably drive him insane. Saying out loud made it permanent, it scared her... and at the same time it was something she could no longer keep to herself. 

"I think I know what's causing the nausea," she said after a while. She bit her lip as her eyes started to burn.  _Oh Juice..._ She pressed her lips together. Oh, how she wished he was here. She missed him every day, but right now she would be willing to give up her own arm to hold him just for a while. After taking a deep breath, she looked at Kip. "I think I'm pregnant."

The man's eyes widened. All colour was drained from his face. He also realized that wasn't something they could be happy about in their current situation. 

"Shit, Dane..." 

She wiped her eyes. "Yeah."

"How long..."

"Probably two months."

"You only found out now?"

She shrugged her shoulders, staring at the sand. "The nausea, the stomach pain, the missed periods... I thought it was caused by stress. This whole situation is just insane. But now I can  _feel_ it, somehow."

"Shit..." he repeated. "I don't know what to say."

Dana bit her nail as she fought off the tears. "I hope... I just hope he will see it one day. Will know about it." With her wrist she rubbed her eyes. There was no point in it, more tears glided down and sobbing she bent her head. "I miss him so much," she sniffled. "I miss him so terribly."

"I know." Kip turned towards her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know. I miss Cherry too. Even if..." He trailed off. 

Dana closed her eyes. After she had told him what Cherry had done, they had never spoken about his girlfriend again. Dana knew he hated Cherry for her betrayal, but he still loved her. Of course he loved her. 

Dana couldn't blame him – nor could she blame Cherry. She wouldn't know what she had done if she had been in Cherry's place. Maybe she would have betrayed Cherry too if she could get Juice back. She would even betray Kip. She loved her friends, but Juice... 

She had wanted to grow old with him. And now she was having his child and he didn't even know it.


	3. Kozik

The world only seemed to be made of shadows those days. Everywhere he went, depression surrounded him. He saw it in the eyes of the others; their helplessness swirled around him and it was taking its toll. 

Kozik jammed his fist against the door of Juice's house. 

No response. It was three days ago since Juice had shown his face at the clubhouse and Kozik wouldn't let the guy send him away. He knew his brother needed him. 

"Juice! Open up!"

He knocked once more, and when there was still no respons he walked around the house and climbed over the fence. His feet landed in a small patch of grass, the tiles that were creating a path were overgrown. Even though Juice was usually the type of guy keeping everything nice, he seemed to lack the energy for it now, making his garden look like a jungle. 

Kozik walked up the porch and tried the door. This one was open. 

He stepped inside and almost immediately was knocked off his feet because of the smell of pot. Coughing a few times, he looked around. There were leftovers at the table, on top of which flees were crawling. A shiver crept down his spine. If someone with OCD could live like this, he must really have lost it. After a few steps he saw a pair of bare feet behind a chair. Kozik walked towards them and saw the boy, sitting with his back against the wall. His hand clamped around a bottle that was almost empty and there was an ashtray next to him. In his lap was a collection of pictures where Juice was staring at with an empty look in his eyes

Kozik heaved a sigh as he saw his friend. As the tears jumped into his eyes, he pressed his lips together. The dead look in Juice's eyes sent shivers through his body. He crouched down in front of the boy, laying a hand on his knee. "Hey. Come on, let's go to the clubhouse."

First, Kozik thought his words didn't get through, then Juice just snorted. 

Kozik's glance moved to the pictures. The ones on top were taken in an amusement park. The sight of Dana's smiling face made his heart ache. The both of them were on the picture next to it, her arms around Juice's neck while they were sticking out their tongues. They looked so happy... He didn't even recognize Juice's wide grin anymore. 

"You developed those lately?" Kozik asked, still trying to get a conversation going. 

Shrugging, Juice picked up one of the pictures and held it in front of his face. His thumb stroked across Dana's cheek and a bit uncomfortable Kozik turned his face away. 

"I came across the disposable camera she had bought," Juice said after a while. "She wanted to take pictures of everything. As if she knew I would need them one day."

Juice leaned with the back of his head against the wall, looking up to Kozik. Tears were shining in his eyes. 

Kozik didn't know what to say. Dana had always believed that Maddox would find her some day, but there was no point in telling Juice that.

"I miss her..." The boy rubbed a hand over his unshaven cheek, closing his eyes as if he was pretending to feel her touch. Tears slipped between his eyelashes. "I miss her so much."

"I miss her too," Kozik admitted. "But she wouldn't want to see you like this." He aimed at the bottle. 

Juice's eyes flew open. "I neither want her to get raped, but I don't have influence on that either!" A grimace glided across his face and a dark glow crept into his eyes. "She should have let me go. She should have let me fucking die. She knew... she knew I couldn't do this."

"She loved you, Juice."

Juice jumped up, grabbing Kozik's throat. "Don't act like she's dead!" he snapped, slamming Kozik's head against the wall. 

Kozik was too stunned to respond in time, but when Juice wanted to beat him again, he managed to turn away. The back of his head was pounding and he felt nauseous. He gritted his teeth, cursing himself because he had been so stupid to say that. Pretending she was dead, had made things easier for him. Then he didn't feel so guilty, every time he watched tv, everything time he ate, everything he did  _anything_ but finding her because he didn't fucking know where to start  _looking._

"Sorry," he said quickly, raising his lower arm to ward off the next blow. "Of course she isn't dead. She still loves you."

Juice breathed out heavily, but his grasp around Kozik's arm weakened. The glance in his eyes was however still cold. "What are you doin' here?"

 _To convince myself you're still alive._ But given their current mood, he kept those words to himself. "Jax woke up from his coma," he said. He'd heard the news this morning, but as expected it didn't cheer up Juice. There was nothing that could bring even the slightest smile on his face. 

"Good," Juice answered grimly. "Get the fuck out now."

Kozik took a deep breath, looking for words. He didn't want Juice to drop down on the ground again, opening a new bottle and lighting the next joint. All this was all too familiar, he feared the next step that Juice would take if the pot was no longer enough to keep his mind silent. In the past he had seen enough friends who had been sitting there like Juice had done, but with a needle in their arm.

"We miss you, Juice," he said softly. "We are with so few... we need you."

"You need me for  _what_?" he huffed. "You do shit to find her." Suddenly he clenched his fists again, his face turning red. "You caused all of this, asshole! You should have been honest with me, you should have told me that half of the club was dead while I was on a vacation!"

A blur of tears blinded him. Kozik knew he was right. But what could he do about it? He had made a mistake, a terrible mistake. 

His silence however had a bad effect on Juice; again he went for him and this time Kozik pushed him away more roughly. 

"I lost her because of you!" Juice yelled. At the same time he stumbled over his own feet and fell on the ground. He grabbed the almost empty bottle and threw it against the wall. Shards rained down on Kozik's shoulders and he had the feeling they cut deep into his flesh.

"I loved her too," he said, his voice unsteady. "Maybe not in the way you did, but I loved her too and I never wanted this to happen." He breathed in sharply as his own emotions were struggling to get out. 

Wildly, he turned around and strode away. Tears itched down his cheeks as he slammed the door behind him. 

He was messed up too, he didn't know what he could do anymore. It felt like he was trying to prevent a dam from breaking with nothing but tape available.


	4. Dana

The presumption that she was pregnant, changed everything.

It was no longer her own life and that of Kip that were at stake, but also that of the little boy or girl that was growing inside her. By now a small bump was palpable, but she knew she was the only one who would notice that. 

Still it was just a matter of time before Maddox would find out about it and Dana knew she had to decrease the distance between them that he permitted with grinding teeth by now. She had to do it for her little one. She had to please Maddox, had to keep him satisfied. The idea that she would have to allow him to touch her again, made her feel sick, but she tried to convince herself that she would do it to protect her unborn child. She would consider herself as a prostitute; someone renting her body to survive. After all, that was what she was doing. And if others could endure such horror, why wouldn't she?

Maddox and she had to start over – and this time  _for real._ Up to now there had only been small touches and whispered words, but Dana had to give him more. She had to convince him that she loved him – and she really thought she could succeed as long as she wasn't reminding him of Juice. Maddox lived inside a web of lies he had created himself, really believing that what he felt for her, was love. She had to use that while he was using her – it was the only way to find out where they were and how they could get away. For two months she had kept her distance, had she pretended to deal with things and now it was time for a change. The thought that  _she_ was the one having a plan now, that she was controlling this, gave her the strength to pull through. 

Dana walked to his office. The dinners were always very tensed and she was afraid that she would back down if she waited until it was over. However, how he would react as she disturbed him now, was hard to tell. After all this time she still had no clue how he was making all this big money and what he was doing behind that desk. 

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. While waiting until his footsteps neared, she wondered if she should stare shyly at the ground or that she should look him right in the eye. In the end she chose the last option; she didn't want to create the impression that she was playing with him, even though he should know that deep down. 

The door opened. His face had an annoyed expression because she had interrupted his activities, but as soon as he saw her, the look in his eyes became softer.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," she hesitated. Still a bit nervous, she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I wondered... if you would like to take a walk with me?"

His shoulders tensed, she could feel his suspicion. Her heartbeat increased, her hands became clammy. Was she doing the wrong thing? 

"Okay," he said shortly, with less enthusiasm than she had expected. A shiver crept through her body and she took a step backwards. Maybe this hadn't been a good timing at all. 

Maddox closed the door of his office, locked it and put away the key. Snooping around in his room was still something she planned to do, but she was afraid she would only get once chance and before she could catch the key, he had to trust her more than he did now. 

Without saying anything, they walked outside, to the border of the island where the coastline was interrupted by a rocky beach. The wind blew her hair around her head, but it wasn't so windy they wouldn't be able to talk. 

"I wanted to thank you," she said after a while. She didn't dare to look at him and stared at the sand below her as she walked on. "For giving me space to deal with things. For not... for not forcing me into things." It was hard to let these words slip her lips. There wasn't much left of her ego, but claiming that she was him  _grateful,_ was still a big step. 

Maddox stood still, holding out his hand so he touched her side. She stood still as well. 

"I still regret it, Dana, how I treated you." His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. "I don't know how to fix things between us. But when you told me you no longer loved me... something dark awakened inside me. Something your love had always suppressed."

Dana looked up at him and saw that he meant every word he said. That was the tricky thing about Maddox; he had two faces. She hadn't realized that before, but right now it was clear as day. 

"I shouldn't have told you that," she said quietly. "I should have given us another chance."

Something in Maddox's eyes changed. Relief, as if he had waited for months until she would admit this. His fingers were trembling as he moved his hand to her cheek and she breathed in sharply as the tips of his fingers caressed her skin. 

"It's okay," he said. "We have another chance now, right?"

Dana shivered, but she kept looking at him. "Yeah..."

A smile crossed his lips. His thumb stroked her cheek and it took every ounce of will power not to turn her face away. She thought about the baby inside her that she had to protect and she dove into her memories to find the one where Juice had been caressing her like this. A pang of loss plagued her stomach and her eyes started to burn, but she blinked the tears away. 

_Come on. Now it's your turn._

A shaky sigh escaped her lips as she cupped his jaw with her hand. With her thumb she brushed his bottom lip. Maddox caught her glance. The insecurity she read in his eyes, confused her. Since the beginning of their relationship he had been confident – to the point of arrogance. 

But she had bruised his ego, she had smashed it to pieces. Giving her a second chance was something he had never done before, with no one. He wanted this so badly that it made him feel insecure; not knowing what to expect from it. 

"I missed you, Dana."

Again a shiver ran down her spine. It felt like she heard Juice's voice. 

"I missed you too," she mumbled, and with her thoughts still with Juice she added: "I'm sorry I left."

Dana brought her face closer to Maddox's. Despite the many times she had kissed him, his lips didn't feel familiar. His tongue glided across her lip and despite the fact that she was cringing, she opened her mouth to let him in and kissed him back. It hurt, deep inside her. As if Juice's soul had been glued to hers and Maddox was ripping it away little by little, until he had completely claimed her again. 

Until she had  _permitted_ him to reclaim her completely. 


	5. Juice

The mornings were the hardest. Waking up, discovering that his bed was empty, that she was no longer in his life. Again and again that realization tore the ground underneath his feet away. The energy that he was supposed to gather at night, was vaporizing like water in a desert. Then his arms felt heavy, his head too full to lift. Sometimes he stared forward for hours, clinging to a piece of clothing of which her scent was long faded.

Since Kozik had stopped by, there however was an irritated feeling underneath his skin. Some kind of itching inside his skull, unable to reach. He knew the man was right. He couldn't go on like this. If Dana would see him this way, she would be disappointed. He had to find her, he couldn't stop trying. With a deep sigh he forced himself to the edge of the bed. He stared at the door of his bedroom. Effortlessly he could picture her, standing there, wearing his SAMCRO shirt reaching to halfway her tights. They'd barely known each other, when she had been at his door because Chibs had believed that would be a nice surprise.

Chibs...

A new pang shot through his chest. He missed his friend, his mentor... He felt ashamed for lacking the balls to go visit his grave. But that would make it so real. A part of him was still pretending that Chibs was just away for a while, just like Dana; unreachable, but not permanent. He bent his head. His hands were clenched around the mattress. He stared at the ring that Dana had given him as a Christmas present. No matter where he looked; everything reminded him of her. He should draw strength from it, but instead his throat started to ache again and again, as the tears were piling up.

But tears didn't lead anywhere. Nor did doing nothing.

He had to pull himself together, had to tore himself away from this uselessness, before he would turn into a ghost that she wouldn't even recognize as he found her back. For he had to find her. He had promised he would never let her go, and he had broken that promise. He had been careless, hadn't listened to his heart and  _that_ had been the reason that he had lost her.

Not because of Kozik, not because of Dana.

Because of himself.

* * *

Juice put the dishes of the past days in the dishwasher, cleaned up the rest of the mess and opened the windows. In front of the mirror he shaved his face and the sides of his head, so that his tattoos were visible again. It gave him energy, courage.

Two hours later he sat in a tattoo shop, listening to the zooming of the tattoo gun that was giving pinpricks in his hand. He knew there would be days on which he wouldn't feel so strong, when his dreams would drag him back to the time that Dana was still sleeping in his arms, where after he would awake with nothing but the blankets pressed against his body. Then he would need something giving him strength, reminding him that he couldn't give up. Ever.

His new tattoo was an arrow reaching from the upper finger bone of his thumb to his wrist.  _"An arrow seems to symbolize protection. And... as husband and wife we're supposed to protect each other."_

Those had been her words, as she had given him the ring with Christmas. He had failed to protect her. Although they hadn't said their vows yet, it still felt like he had failed her. It was his duty to fix it. How many times had he promised her to protect her, that he would never let her go? He hoped the new ink would keep giving him the strength to hold on, to keep looking for her. He couldn't wipe it away, it would be on his skin for the rest of his life. His arrow. His guide. His compass.

* * *

Before Juice returned to the clubhouse for the first time in days, he visited the cemetery. On his way he had bought three bouquets of flowers. The first he laid down on Opie's grave. Three-quarter year had passed since he had died. Juice sighed deeply. There was an uneasy feeling in his stomach, squeezing his throat. He couldn't help but think that Opie was looking down on him now with a grim face, blaming him for wallowing in self-pity those last weeks.

"I'm going to find her," he promised in a whisper at the cold stone.

Quickly he walked on, to Chibs' grave. He stared at the letters that were chiseled in the marble. He was resting here, for real.  _Filip "Chibs" Telfort,_ he read.

_"Aye Juicy, good to finally see ye here."_

He swallowed the lump in his throat as it felt like he could feel Chibs' arms around him.

_"Find ye lass, Juicy-boy. Find ye lass, bring some beautiful babies to this world and name one after me."_

A little shaky, Juice took a deep breath, nodding. For a while he kept standing there, lost in thoughts, until he walked to the last grave. He bit on his lip as he laid down the last flowers. Gemma had been the closest to a mother, like Chibs had felt like a father. It felt as if he had lost both of his parents. Something he had walled himself off for, because Dana's disappearance had been the only thing on his mind.

But Gemma and Chibs deserved his goodbyes, his attention, too.

There however were no more tears he could leave behind. They wouldn't want to see them anyway. They would lay an arm around his shoulder, kissing his cheek, telling him he had to move on and shouldn't linger in the past.

And so he did. He got on his Harley, rode to the club house and let the few brothers that were left hug him. And for a moment – for a very brief moment – he felt something again. Something warm inside his chest, instead of that ever-present pain.


	6. Kip

Kip had wrapped his arms around his knees while he was sitting on the beach, looking at the sea. He felt hollow, weak. With a sigh he bent his head and stared at the Reaper on the inside of his lower arm. He wished he could scratch off the ink. Guilt was burying him as he thought about his brothers. He wasn't worth being a Son. Not only had his old lady betrayed everyone, which he considered as a personal failure, he also hadn't managed to do a damn thing in all the weeks he was here now. He was the only one near Dana, he was the only one who  _could_ protect her and it still felt like he was chained. 

He had tried to figure out where they were, he had scouted the whole island and the largest part of the house, looking for information. For hours he had stared at the sea, hoping to see a ship, so that he could at least figure out for a bit where they were. 

There were three boats in the dock, but there was a large fence around it and it was always guarded by armed men. It was the only place that was guarded. The boats weren't large; just a little bigger than speed boats, which meant they had to be close to the shore. But what shore – that was still a mystery. 

The ocean was big, and they could be at the east and west coast of the US. Or even further. He didn't know.

His glance was attracted to the dock again. He counted three man. There were machine guns hanging over their shoulders, but the men were talking and smoking and didn't pay much attention to their surroundings. And with good reason. What the hell could he do? Trying to overpower three armed man on his own? If he had been alone, he might have tried it. But he wasn't. If he failed – and he most certainly would – Dana would pay the consequences. Maddox would punish her. 

A shiver crept down his spine as he thought of Maddox. There weren't many people who could scare him, but this man did. He was so unpredictable, so complicated that Kip was alert all the time. He had tried to observe him, but it turned up nothing. He knew nothing about him, he couldn't even read his expressions. 

In the first weeks Maddox had given him a job now and then; cleaning things up or making dinner, but he had stopped with it after a few days and since then he paid no attention to him at all. As if he was invisible. Of course it was better than being ordered around, but it made him insecure. He didn't know what to think of it and all this free time drove him crazy. He was rather busy; now his thoughts wandered off to things he didn't want to think about. To his parents, who had no clue what had happened to him. To his brothers, who were with so few. And to Cherry. Always to Cherry. 

When he thought about his girlfriend, there was such a wave of emotions washing over him that he could barely control himself. Yes, he was angry with her. Furious. He still couldn't believe that she had really been so stupid to hand over Dana. Everyone should have known Maddox wouldn't keep his word! She had been there when Chibs and Gemma were killed. What in the world had convinced her that Maddox would set him free? And what if he had done that? Then what? Did she think the others would just forgive her? Had she hoped he would turn his back to the club and flee with her? That wasn't him. He had fought for his place within SAMCRO and they had became his family. 

Where was she now? He knew she had no one else. Did she roam through the streets, had she gone home and been arrested because of the arson? Was she behind bars now? Did she think he was dead? Maybe she had joined another motorclub and was she sleeping around until someone wanted to get to know her better. Like he had done all those time ago.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Dana sat down next to him and stared forward for a while without saying anything. In silence Kip watched her face. Something had changed, he could feel it. 

"Did he touch you?" Kip asked, his voice tensed.

He had known it was just a matter of time. Maddox might pretend to be a normal human being, but he was still a sick son of a bitch. 

Dana didn't answer. Her thumb rubbed the lowest finger bone of her left ring finger and his eyes went wide as he realized she no longer wore her engagement ring. 

"Did he want you to take it off?"

Dana bent her head. "No. He doesn't even know that I'm engaged."

Kip turned a little more towards her. It felt like there was a stone on his stomach that was growing exponentially. "Then why did you take it off?"

"It tears me apart, every time I look at it." She bit her lip, blinking her eyes, but there were no more tears. "And I don't want him to see that." Dana heaved a deep sigh. "I'm going to play along this game, Kip. I have to get him to trust me." Her hand found his and she squeezed. "But I'm working on a plan. I'll get us out of here."

Kip dropped his eyes. It should have been the other way around. He should have made her that promise. 

"You gonna sleep with him?" He felt how his muscles tensed and as he heard her swallow, a vibration went through his chest. 

"Soon."

Protesting, he squeezed her hand. "You don't have to, we'll..."

"It's okay, Kip," she said quietly. "I'm scared and it disgusts me, but I won't get a chance to kill him before he trusts me completely. And that will take a lot of time. So waiting... that will only endanger the baby."

Kip raked a hand through his blonde hair, that was growing too long. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to admit out loud that this was the only chance he could see too. 

"It's nothing I haven't done before," she said. "But please, Kip. Whatever changes after tomorrow, don't interfere." She lifted her head, giving him a pleading look. "For he doesn't want to lose me, but the only reason he tolerates you, is because it pleases me."

Kip gritted his teeth. "I don't know if I can do that, Dana," he whispered eventually. "Juice is my brother. My friend. I can't do nothing while you are being raped."

"He won't rape me," she answered firmly, with a dark tone. "I want this. I'm going to give myself to him."

But her words sounded hollow. 


	7. Maddox

Nervousness wasn't a feeling Maddox was very familiar with. Still there was a tightness in his chest now, and an unknown tension in his stomach. A few weeks ago he had stood here as well, in this bedroom with the candles on the windowsills, on the few shelves on the walls and on the nightstands. Back then he hadn't felt as insecure as he did now. He had been drawn by euphoria and he had wanted to claim what he thought was his. 

Dana had stopped him. She had told him that she didn't want to be touched by him before she was ready. The past days he had became more and more skeptical, slowly being convinced that she might  _never_ be ready.

But his patience had paid him off. Dana had gotten used to her new surroundings and she had given him another chance. Of course he had taken that with a pinch of salt, but a while ago she had taken his hand anyway and she had led him to the bedroom. 

That was where they were standing now side by side, a little awkwardly. They were both silent, the only thing that Maddox could hear was her breathing and his own. Somewhere in the back of his mind a question haunted him: did she really want this? But he didn't ask her, he didn't want to know the answer. 

Maddox's gaze wandered across her face. She didn't look at him, but stared at the ground. There was no fierce longing smoldering in his eyes, like there had been in the past. But her insecure stance also moved him. It turned him on, as if she was a virgin who was going to offer him her virginity. 

Carefully he stretched out his hand and cupped her cheek. Still she refused to look up. It reminded him of the role plays they had done when they were younger, when she had pretended to be his sex slave. But this time it was no game. He felt her insecurity, her nervousness. He felt his own insecurity, his own nervousness. 

"What do you want me to do?" he asked with a husky voice. 

He heard her swallow. "As-as long as you don't hurt me..."

Her words made a dull pain shot through his body. "I won't hurt you," he promised. "I will never hurt you again."

His fingertips glided from her cheek to her neck and disappeared into her volumineus blonde hair. He brought his face closer to hers until their lips were brushing. His heartbeat sped up as his tongue probed hers. Soon the longing to undress her churned inside him. His hands moved to the hem of her shirt and he pulled it over her head, breaking their kiss for a moment. Instead of putting his lips back on hers, he took the time to look at the part of her body that was exposed now. His mouth became dry as he saw her upper body. Her stomach wasn't as flat as he remembered and her breasts were larger as well. His pants tightened around his crotch as his hands glided across her shoulders and further down along her sides. 

"You're so beautiful."

Although her breasts fitted perfectly into her bra, it was too much of a torture to wait any longer. He wanted to lay his hands around them. He untied the clasp of her bra and pulled the straps down her arms. An impatient grunt slipped his lips as he grabbed her breasts and started to knead them. 

For a moment he thought to hear her whimper, but when he looked hesitating at her, her hands glided underneath his shirt. He closed his eyes as her fingers glided across his skin. Goosebumps rushed away from her touch. 

She pulled his shirt over his head and he wrapped an arm around her waist so he could feel her skin against his. A shaky sigh slipped his lips. Man, he had never known that he had missed her so much. It felt so good to have her close again. This was how it was supposed to be. She belonged to him and he belonged to her. This was how it always should have been.

He kept one arm around her waist, his other had cupped her breast again. He pressed his lips against the skin below her ear. As he heard her gasp, he smiled. That hadn't changed. He knew exactly what she liked, how he could satisfy her. From her neck he trailed kisses across her right shoulder, down to her breasts. It felt like he could feel her heart pound against his lips and his grasp on her body tightened. Her muscles tensed as his tongue swirled around her nipple and he sucked on it until he heard her moan. 

He moved his mouth to the other nipple, and he felt how her hands ran across her back, pressing her nails into his skin. Spreading kisses across her bosom, he reached her cleavage and let his tongue slide through it. Then he lowered himself, further and further down, until he was sitting on his knees. 

He had arrived at her pants, which he ripped down in a fit of lost self-control. He breathed heavily as his hand hugged her ass; it felt just as firm as he remembered. As he held her, his fingertips reached out to the front, expecting to feel her excitement. However, her thong was dry as a bone and a little dazed he looked up to her. 

Although her fingers were toying with his hair, she wasn't looking at him. With a empty look in her eyes she stared at the wall, the expression on her face rather depressed than swooned, and the sight of it was so disappointing that it felt like something inside his chest was exploding. 

For a moment he was on the verge of pushing her away and snarling at her, but he changed his mind and started to kiss the edge above her thong.

He knew her. He would get her wet. He would make her enjoy this, for that was how it was meant to be. 


	8. Dana

Dana's whole body cramped up. Every piece of skin that he touched burned and itched and she wanted to scratch until she was bleeding. She tried to flee to a far corner in her mind so she could free herself from her body, but she couldn't. 

He had pushed her on the edge of the bed and had taken off her thong, pushing her knees apart so he could sit between them. His lips were around her clit, sucking firmly. 

Dana had laid her hands upon his head, her fingers woven through his short hair. A little compelling she kept him down, afraid he would look up and see that she was about to throw up. With all her willpower she tried to feel something else than the revulsion. She called up memories of all the times Juice had loved her this way, whereby she had curved her back with pleasure. She remembered how her hands had glided across the tattoos on his head, how he had looked up now and then, with glistering eyes and a teasing grin, until she begged him to continue. 

But the thoughts of Juice only made the torture worse. She missed his hands that ran across her breasts, his lips descending down her neck, the pressure of his body against hers. She missed his dazzling smile, his tight embrace, his enthusiastic voice and the sometimes almost childlike glimmer in his eyes. Since the day she had left him bleeding in the cathedral, a cold had slipped into her that froze her whole body and Maddox would never be able to change that, no matter how hard he tried. 

A whimper left her lips as he pushed two fingers inside her. No matter how careful he was; her body just bolted, making everything painful. 

Maddox looked up. There was a dark glow in his eyes, causing a shiver down her spine. "I'm sitting on my knees for ten minutes now," he grumbled. "Are you even trying?"

Dana let out a shaky breath. She would't escape the pain, she knew that now. She just wanted to get over with it for tonight. "You raped me, Maddox," she told him. "For a year. I try not to think about it, but my body just cramps. I can't help it."

With a sigh he stood up. Frustrated he rubbed his neck. " _You_ wanted this."

Dana gritted her teeth. The powerlessness flared up so suddenly that she could't fend it off. "You killed my mother, my friends! You sent my brother to jail, you kidnapped Kip and me. Do you really think I want this? You know damn well that I would do  _anything_ to get back to Juice. I love him and even a soulless person like you should be able to realize that you can never take his place. When he touched me, I could feel the heat in my toes and if it had been his tongue teasing me, I would have came within a minute, and thereafter three more times! But I disgust you, every touch burns my skin as if you got poison on your mitts and all I was doing the past half hour, was trying not to puke because you would beat me up if I did! You wanna know why I wanted this? Because I knew you would rape me again anyway and I just hoped to save myself a lot of pain!" Tears jumped into her eyes. "I hate you, Maddox, of course I hate you!  She crawled backwards on the bed and spread her arms in despair. "So come on, take me. Do whatever you want with me. I can no longer pretend that I want to do anything else with you than killing you."

Maddox said nothing, but his glare scorched her body. His jaws tensed. 

"Fine," he said on a threatening low voice. "If this is what you want."

Dana's lips were quivering. Fear waved through her body as the mattress was sagging because he laid down on it and crawled on top of her. She closed her eyes as his hand grabbed her throat and squeezed. However, a few seconds later his fingers relaxed again.

"Wouldn't we start over?" he whispered. "Wouldn't you give me a second chance?"

A tear slipped through her eyelashes and rolled down her cheek. His lips caught the drop. 

"I don't want to hurt you, Dana. Believe me, I really don't. But I... I just need to get inside you. After that, everything will be better. I'm sure of it. I promise you." He positioned himself between her legs, his thumbs brushing her cheeks. "I'll be gentle. Okay? It will be just like old times, just like the beginning of our love."

In disbelief Dana shook her head as more tears streamed down. He really was crazy. None of the things she had just told him, had gotten through to him. 

"Everything will be all right, baby. Spread your legs a little more." Again he kissed the tears from her face. "You don't have to be afraid. We have done this so many times before, right? There's no need for these tears. Look at me, baby."

Sobbing, Dana looked up to him. Although she had intended to refuse everything he would ask her, she couldn't help herself. She was just desperately looking for consolation, for liberation, even though she knew he was the last person on earth who would give it to her. 

Still his thumb was stroking her cheek, then he moved it to her shaking lower lip. 

"Ssh. You'll be all right. I know you will."

Dana swallowed with difficulty. She could already feel his penis pressing against her skin. Again her whole inside cramped, and the pain was so sharp she was afraid it could cause a miscarriage. Stress... stress wasn't good for the baby at all. She couldn't fight with him, she had to surrender herself to his whims. 

"Okay," she whispered with a shaky voice. "Okay."

His lips curled into a smile. "Good girl." He leaned with one elbow on the mattress as he moved closer to her. Dana spread her legs a little more. "Yes, you're doing great baby."

Dana squeezed her eyes as he penetrated her. It felt strained and it hurt, just like she had expected. His hand glided across her breast and squeezed it as his breathing became heavier.

"Kiss me," he moaned. "Kiss me, Dana."

Dana thought about her unborn child again, about all the risks she was taking if she didn't obey. And so she pressed her lips against his, allowing his tongue. It distracted her a little from the scalding pain below, where he was still thrusting inside her. His pace might be slow, but every movement still hurt like hell. 

"This feels so good baby. Can't you feel it?" he asked with a gravelly voice, coming closer to his climax. "We fit perfectly, you and I. You're around me like a second skin. We belong together, Dana. I knew that all along. Can't you feel it?"

Dana knew what he felt. 

She had felt it too – but not with him. There was a stab in her heart as she thought of Juice again.

_Juice..._

 


	9. Juice

Juice stared into his glass.

Another day had gone by. Another day wasted.

All day long he had watched security footage; of random shops, of ports, of highways. Everywhere he could hack his way in to. It was a hopeless search, there was no trail to follow. She was gone for three months. Three months in which his world had lost all its colour, whereby only shades of gray had remained. He got a headache from all the hours of staring at a screen, from the grief that he was pushing away because he was afraid he would end up at the floor of his apartment again if he didn't.

He was sitting at the bar all alone. His friends had given up on keeping him company a long time ago. He didn't even want them around. There were no jokes that could hoist the corners of his mouth, there were no memories that could give him the tiniest bit of warmth. There was nothing but anger and despair and a deep, gruesome pain that never subsided. Very occasionally it slumbered for a brief moment; but it always came back, hitting him even harder than before.

His brothers weren't in a much better shape than he was anyway. Clay and Jax found it just as hard that the murderer of their wife and mother was nowhere to be found. They were just as embittered as he was, but contrary to him, they could deal with the pain. They were making progress during their bereavement while he wasn't moving forward at all. Every time he saw a girl with blonde hair, he hoped it was her. Whether he was out on the streets, in the supermarket or in the clubhouse; again and again his world stood still for a brief moment – before it all blasted apart ruthlessly.

"You're still sitting here?"

Juice felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned away his upper body so the touch disappeared and drank from his glass with a grim face. A girl hoisted herself on a bar stool next to him and leaned with her elbow at the bar. He looked briefly at her, but her face didn't look familiar. Although that wasn't saying much: for weeks all faces passed by in a blur. He turned his head away from her and stared forward.

She slipped off the stool. For a moment he thought she was leaving, but she kept standing next to him. Her fingers glided around his hand and she moved it to her breast. Right through her thin dress he could feel her hard nipple.

"A man like you shouldn't be here on his own." She bent over to his ear and whispered: "Take me. Do what you want with me. I promise you I won't disappoint you."

Juice tore away his hand. The thought of sex made him feel sick. He didn't want sex. Not ever again. Not as long as Dana was forced to...

"Go away," he grumbled.

Instead of leaving, her hand glided to his crotch. "I can make you forget about her. You need to relax. You..."

Juice grabbed her arm and tore it to the side. There was a loud snap, where after the girl started to scream. "My arm! You broke my arm!"

He snorted, immune for her tears and sobs. "I could do whatever I wanted with you, right?" He emptied his glass, slammed it on the bar and stood up, a little wobbly. "Stupid whore." He spitted at her feet and rushed past her. Her screeches followed him, but he didn't care. He never wanted to see her face again.

In his dorm room he fell down on his bed. He turned on his side and caressed the side of the bed where she had slept. Closing his eyes, he pretended she was lying there. Her face towards him, a smile around her lips.

"I love you, Juice."

He reached for her cheek, but his fingertips met nothing but emptiness. There was nothing, she wasn't there. Breathing out heavily, he rolled on his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. Hot tears glided down his cheeks and he screamed and screamed. The pillow muffled his voice, making sure nobody would come to calm him down. He kept sobbing and screaming until he was so out of breath he feared to choke.

As soon as that thought really hit him, he rolled himself into a ball and kept sobbing quietly. "I can't go on like this, Dane," he cried. "I can't go on without you anymore."


	10. Dana

Beads of sweat stood on her brow. Again and again the punching bag caught her fists. Her fingers were burning, but she went on and on until she was out of breathe. Panting, she leaned on her knees. For a moment there was nothing but a stabbing pain in her sides and a tiredness threatening to take every feeling away. 

Kip handed her a bottle of water. "Ten minutes. Then we continue."

She took off the boxing gloves and lifted the corner of her mouth. "You're tough today."

"You wanna compete with me, right?" He showed her a crooked smile, took off his shirt and started to beat the bag, without gloves. Dana took a sip of water. She watched how his muscles tensed as he was throwing punches, and it didn't take long before his blonde hair stuck to his face. 

Looking at Kip's body wasn't exactly a punishment; she rather looked at his body than at Maddox's, that never stopped at watching.

She caressed the small bump of her stomach. "Doesn't uncle Kip look hot? Although mama dares to bet that daddy would have looked way hotter if he'd been showing off his boxing skills here." She looked at Kip and saw the grin on his face. 

"At least he would have tried really hard to make it worth watching. Of all the Sons he's the one with the most KO's." 

He threw a few good punches before he looked at her again. She sensed that he liked to talk about his brothers today. It changed with the day: sometimes he didn't want to hear anything about them, on other days he did. Dana knew that feeling all too well. At some moments Juice's name couldn't even slip her lips, and on other moments she fed on memories about him. 

"By you?"

Kip smirked. "By everyone."

"Probably because I wasn't there to cheer for him." She smiled lightly. It wasn't hard to imagine how Juice would lose to Happy or Opie. They would have gotten him down on the ground with one punch. 

"Let's leave it at that, before that little Ortiz will get a daddy complex."

"Don't listen to him," she said, rubbing her belly. "Your daddy is a really tough man, although he certainly has his sweet moments."

The door swung open. Immediately the atmosphere changed and they both froze. Her heart pounded in her chest. Had Maddox heard them? She hadn't told him about her pregnancy, although she couldn't imagine he didn't know. On the other hand; there were more things he was blind to. She could see him convincing himself that she was't pregnant at all. 

Still she had to tell him; then she no longer needed to be nervous because of it. She however didn't want him to find out this way. 

"Well, show me something." Maddox leaned against the wall. With one piercing glance he told Kip to leave. She saw his muscles tense. His eyes shot towards her and she nodded reassuringly, although she felt anything but relaxed. 

She knew why Maddox was here. Although she had asked for her own room, he had visited her two days ago to watch her while she was boxing. It had turned him on and he had fucked her right here on the floor. 

That was probably what would happen in a few minutes again. 

Just like the past two weeks she tried to accept the situation. Nothing was more important than her baby. She no longer cared what he did with her body, as long as her child was safe.

She put on her boxing gloves again and started to live up on the punching bag. At her request the bag had been hung in this room, so she had a little bit of privacy, a place to retreat to. Kip had told her that he had been a Junior Lightweight Champion, so she had asked him to teach her to box so she could learn to defend herself. Maddox clearly saw no danger in it, for he had bought the attribute for her and all the hours she spent with Kip here, didn't seem to bother him either. 

On the contrary, the heat that was radiating from her skin after a boxing session called up a lechery inside him convincing her that he was pretending that he was the reason why she was sweating. 

Dana didn't look at him while her fists were hitting the bag. The muscles in her arms were burning, but she was so consumed by the activity that she even forgot that Maddox was in the same room. 

She was only reminded of that when she felt his hands on her hips. By reflex she turned around to punch him, but laughing he fended off the blow as if it was all a game and he lifted her up. A moment later he pushed her against the wall. He had already taken off his shirt, his tattooed skin stuck to her sweaty stomach.

"You're so hot," he whispered, where after he bit her neck and sucked her skin until purple marks would appear. His hands kneaded her breasts right through her crop top, then they glided down until they settled around the small bump. 

Dana froze. Skittishly she looked up to him. 

"Did you hear us talk?" She had wanted to sound neutral, but her voice cracked. 

"You think I'm stupid? Did you really think I wouldn't notice that my girl is pregnant? I just hoped you had the guts to tell me."

His fingertips arched, his nails cutting in her skin. She wanted to push him away, but instead she bent her head. "I was afraid."

"Whose is it?"

Confused she looked up. What did he mean,  _whose is it_? Had a miracle happened and was he fertile again? "Can you..."

"Is it his?" Maddox nodded to the door through which Kip had disappeared. 

"Kip's?" she asked, so surprised that she forgot about the fear for a moment. 

"I have no idea what you two are doing here."

A bit skeptical Dana raised her eyebrows. "Bullshit. If you really believed Kip and I had something romantic going on, you would have killed him a long time ago."

"So it's from Juan Carlos."

She felt a pang in her stomach as she heard her fiance's real name. That had been something intimate between them, there had only be a few occasions on which she had called him that way. 

"Yeah," she said softly. "It's Juice's."

Maddox breathed in sharply. That knowledge seemed to piss him off more than the thought that it could be Kip's. "Does he know?"

"No," she whispered. "I found out when I got here, after a few weeks. I thought the nausea and my delayed menstruation were caused by stress."

Sighing, Maddox caressed her cheek. "You could have told me. You shouldn't go through something like this all alone."

Dana didn't know what to answer. Kip had supported her, but she rather refused to think about her future. About what would happen when the baby was born. There was no hospital around, no nurses... and who knows what Maddox would do with it.

"Do you want to tell him the big news?"

"W-what?" Dazed, she looked up. 

The back of his finger caressed her cheek. "Do you want to tell Juan Carlos that he is going to be a daddy?" He pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. 

 


	11. Juice

Juice had a pounding headache. He sat in a corner of the clubhouse, his laptop in front of him. Again he had watched security footage all day long. It only made him feel more depressed. Rubbing his face, he sighed and looked around. At one of the stripper poles a Croweater was teaching a new girl how to do a pole dance act. He thought back to the only time he had seen Dana perform such an act, on Tig's birthday. He had known her for two weeks, and it had been that day that he had started flirting with her. He could still picture her on the stage, wearing her black and red bustier and his cut. Man, she had looked so hot. Somewhere that night he had decided he wanted to go after her, even though she had ended up in bed with Jax just a few hours later. 

"Juice..." A hesitating voice pulled him out of his memories. He looked over his shoulder. A dark haired girl looked skittishly at him. 

He raised his eyebrows. Since he had broken an arm of one of those whores, they left him alone. The message that he didn't want them, had finally landed. 

"There... there's someone on the phone for you. At the bar."

Narrowing his eyes, he pulled his burner out of his pocket to see if there was a missed call. There wasn't. "Who's it?"

"I... I think it's better if you just take the call now."

Something cold descended in his stomach. His breathing increased. He could think of only one person who would call him like this; Maddox. Immediately his head was filled with dark images; in which he heard Dana's screams as she was raped, or in which he heard a gun shot, followed by silence. 

Did he really want to take that call? 

Despite the fear that was washing over him, he knew he wanted it. If not, he would feel regret for the rest of his life. With legs that felt weak, he walked towards the bar and took the phone. The device was shaking in his hand as he pressed it against his ear. 

"Yeah?" Even though he had wanted to sound grim, his voice was just a whisper. 

 "Juice?? 

As soon as he heard her voice, he flinched. He grabbed the edge of the bar to keep himself from falling. "Dana?" he asked dazed, his voice sounding smothered. 

For a brief moment there was silence. Then he heard her sob. He pressed his lips together, but it was impossible to control his emotions. He started to cry too. "Where are you?" he asked, sobbing. "Are you hurt? Did he..." He gritted his teeth. He couldn't let his emotions take the lead now; he had to figure out where she was. "Tell me – tell me where you are. Did you... did you discover something?"

"The phone is on speaker. I can't say anything about that, otherwise Kip will pay for it."

Juice ran a hand across his face, shaking his head. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that he was really talking to her. There were so many things that he wanted to know, but none of his questions passed his lips. 

"I'm okay baby," she said quietly. "Maddox is trying really hard. I'm not locked up, he hasn't hit me."

Gratefully, Juice closed his eyes. Tears slipped between his eyelashes. "And did he... did he rape you?" he asked on a whisper, even though he already knew the answer. Still he prayed for a miracle. 

A silence fell. 

"No," she said in a small voice. "We have been intimate but... but I wanted it."

"Oh Dane..." His legs could no longer carry him. He dropped down on the floor, the phone in his hand. Of course that asshole was listening, she couldn't be honest with him. 

"It's okay," she said on a soothing tone. "All things considered I'm fine, believe me. I'm not depressed, I'm not crying in a corner, I'm not tied up. Okay? We live in a house like a normal couple and..." He heard her voice falter. "O god Juice, I miss you so much. Please talk to me, I need to hear your voice."

The shiver in her voice made his whole body cramp up. He could imagine how tears filled her eyes, how her lips were quivering. Taking a deep breath, he tried to do what she asked. 

"I miss you too." He forced himself to keep breathing. What could he tell her? He wanted to be strong for her. "We all miss you. We –"

"Enough!" a voice barked. "Tell him the reason you're calling."

It felt like the blood was freezing in his veins. A nasty feeling aroused inside his stomach as a new silence fell. 

"Juice?" Her voice was only a whisper. "He forced me to call you, to tell you this." A sob escaped her lips. 

Juice wrung his fingers inside the sleeve of his hoodie and clenched a fist. "What... what do you have to tell me?"

"I..." He heard her gasp for breath. "I'm pregnant."

Stunned, Juice stared forward. "W-what?"

"With you. Sorry. I don't know... if you'll ever..." Again she started to cry. "Our baby..."

Juice couldn't utter a single word, it felt like something was wrapped around his throat. As if someone had put out the light and pulled all the warmth out of the room, out of his body. 

Before he could say something, before he could promise her that he would find her, the line went dead. 

"Dana?!" he yelled into the phone. "Dana??"

But she was gone.  
  
  



	12. Kozik

Kozik's heart broke as he found Juice sobbing on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees, leaning with his back against the bar. The phone was lying on the floor next to him. A jolt of pain went through his chest. What had happened? Had somebody found Dana's body? With an enormous lump in his throat he crouched down in front of the man and laid a hand on his knee. "What happened?" he asked in an intrusive tone, afraid he wouldn't be able to cut through Juice's grief otherwise. 

Juice pulled away his leg, so Kozik's hand glided off. He suppressed a sigh. His brother clearly wanted to be alone, but Kozik knew it wouldn't do him any good. His thoughts would keep spinning until he was lost in them, like he had seen so many times the past weeks. 

"Was it Maddox?"

Juice turned his head away from him and breathed loudly. Was he angry at him? Or did he no longer want to show his tears? The first weeks after Dana's disappearance he had been a wreck, a mess that hadn't been able to do anything. In the end he had tore himself away from his grief and he had showed his face around the club again. However, the past days his face had grown dark, the lines had became deeper. Bitterness filled his heart, he had even broke a girl's arm without remorse. Kozik had been afraid that he was growing cold, that he was extinguishing. 

Now it looked like the boy was ashamed of his tears. As if his mask was broken and showed him in all his brokenness. Kozik didn't know what version of Juice was worse. Both terrified him.

One because there would be a day on which he could no longer bear the pain, making him look for a definitive way out. 

The other because there would remain nothing of the old Juice.

Still Kozik didn't let himself scare away. He sat down next to the boy, his head leaning against the wood supporting the bar. He clenched the fingers of his right hand and relaxed them again, over and over again, afraid he would shake up the boy and scream for an answer otherwise. The frustration kept gnawing on him, desperately he raked a hand through his blonde hair. "Juice," he tried again. "What happened? Who called you? Is she... is she..."

"She's pregnant."

Kozik's eyes widened. That was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "Ooh..."

It didn't happen often, but he had no idea what to say. 

Juice turned his head to the side. With red, puffy eyes he looked at him. "He made her call me. To tell me she was pregnant. It's... It's..." His voice was shaking. 

"It's his?" Kozik complemented his sentence hesitantly. 

"It's mine."

 _Oh fuck._ Kozik rubbed his forehead. Of course he was happy Dana wasn't carrying a child from that asshole, but this would break Juice again. It was no longer his fiance alone who was in the hands of that psycho, but also his unborn child. 

And within a few months his born child.

Sighing deeply, he ran his hands across his head. Juice stared at him, lost, as if he expected a solution for this drama from him. But there was nothing Kozik could do about it.

The situation was so shitty he barely felt relieved that Dana was still alive. This would change everything for her. Soon it wouldn't be her own life that was at stake, but that of her child. Juice's child. She would do everything in her power to get away from Maddox and the possible consequences made him shiver. 

Was Maddox insane enough to hurt a little baby? 

A baby belonging to the woman he thought he loved and the man she loved? 

There was no doubt. Maddox would despise the kid. Kozik couldn't imagine that he  _wouldn't_ beat it to dead, the moment it was born. And the panic and fear radiating from Juice's face, told him his friend knew that all too well. 


	13. Dana

Fingers were stroking her hair. 

Numbed, Dana looked to the side. For a moment she believed it was him; that he had found her. It wasn't Maddox who was touching her, his fingertips felt different. Through a blur of tears she saw blonde hair and terrified blue eyes. 

It wasn't him. 

She turned her face away from Kip and started to sob. Oh, if she could just feel Juice's arms around her for a while, or listen to his voice a little longer. Taking in his scent, looking into his eyes...

The call had broken her. For a long time it had felt like Juice wasn't real; as if he was just a figment of her imagination, a way to keep this life bearable. But hearing his voice, his sobs... the pain and his absence rolled through her again. Sobbing, she sat up straight. She was still in the room with the punching bag. Her back hurt and there was a burning sensation between her legs. Her head was pounding. Dazed, she stared at her wrists that were covered with red welts. 

Apparently she had just been raped. She saw fragments of his furious face, felt his fingers around her throat... but the images were blurry, as if it had happened a long time ago. Her hand glided across her stomach and she thought about Juice again. About how his voice had sounded; so full of hope and despair at the same time. 

She looked at Kip. There were tears in his eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Dane," he whispered. "Next time I see him, I'll strangle him."

"Don't," she answered quietly, her voice broken. "If you – if you hadn't been here, I would never have gone through these days." She leaned into him. He swung his arm around her and pulled her close, until their heads were resting against each other. 

"And I can't live like this. I just have to find something sharp so I can jam it in his head, the next time he isn't paying attention to me."

"He's always paying attention."

Kip sighed. 

"He knows where you're up to, what I'm up to. At night he always locks the door and checks the room to make sure there are no weapons." She rubbed her eyes. The skin between her legs hurt like hell. What had happened? Had Maddox lost his mind when she was talking to Juice? Did he finally realize that she would never love him? Imagines shot through her mind. His fingers grabbing her hair, slamming her head to the floor, his snarl that she was his, dat nobody but him would ever fuck her.

 "I think I was fully unconscious this time," she muttered. It felt like a blessing that he had slammed her head against the floor. 

Kip said nothing and stared forward. There were deep lines on his forehead and the look in his eyes was embittered. He looked much older than twenty three years. Her eyes wandered to his clenched fist. She spread her fingers across his hand, squeezing it, but he kept staring into the void. Hatred was churning in his eyes and it made her shiver. 

"Please Kip," she whispered. "Don't do anything stupid."

But a few days later, he did. 

* * *

It was during another boxing practice that Maddox entered the room. With a grunt the man told Kip to fuck off. He bent his head and turned away immediately, but the moment Maddox passed him, he wrapped an arm around his neck and dragged him backwards. 

Dana froze. 

Maddox leaned into Kip. The man got him in a headlock and punched his eye. Maddox grumbled, trying to free himself. 

Dana could do nothing but stare. Could Kip win this? Could he really end their misery? 

Maddox's face was turning red. He pushed himself away from the ground and threw Kip backwards, so his head was slamming against the wall. Still the man didn't let go of him. With gritted teeth he kept strangling their abductor. Wildly Maddox tried to fight off the other, but Kip had done martial arts for years  _and_ he had gone through an extended military training. 

For a moment Dana really believed they had a chance. Her hands clenched around her stomach, as if the baby was also watching. 

In a flash, she saw how Maddox pulled a knife. Dana yelled Kip's name, but it was too late. Maddox turned around with a last effort, stabbing the knife in Kip's side. 

His arms lost their strength immediately and Maddox broke away from the deadly embrace. He turned around, pulling out the shank and wrapping his fingers around the hilt. 

"No!" Dana screamed. "No, stop it!" She ran towards the two men and clung to Maddox's arm. "Don't kill him. Please," she cried. 

Maddox breathed loudly. Anger was smoldering in his eyes. His fingers paled around the hilt of the bloody knife. Kip had stepped back, his hands pushing against the wound. His eyes were wide with shock, as if he didn't realize what had happened. 

"Please," Dana whispered. "Please, Maddox. I beg you. Let him live."

With a grunt he tore away his arm. "You can sew him yourself," he snarled, where after he turned around and strode away.

 


	14. Dana

Dana pushed her hands against the wound, from which the blood was pouring. What should she do? What the hell should she do? Tears blurred her sight at Kip's white face. He looked so pale... was he dying? She tried to keep control of the fear, tried to find strength so she could help her friend, but again and again her thoughts froze, making her stare petrified at the blood gliding through her fingers.

Kip moaned. "Sorry," his lips whispered. "I..."

Dana shook her head, she didn't want to hear his words. She wanted to give him no room to say goodbye, he couldn't give up. Without him she would never survive this hell. 

"I'm going to get help."

She swerved as she stood up, fell and maintained her balance with help of the wall. 

_Help. Are you serious, Dana? Where the hell would that come from, huh?_

Maddox – Maddox had to help her. She had to convince him. She started to run, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She felt Kip's blood sticking to her hair. She rounded a corner, saw him just going upstairs. 

"Wait!" she yelled. 

He turned around. She fell on her knees on the ground, grabbing his shoes. "I'm sorry... Please Maddox, spare his life. I will do whatever you want. Please.  _Please._ "

She doubted he could hear what she was saying, every word was drenched in suffocating tears. 

He snorted dismissively. "Why do you think I  _can_ save him?"

"There has to be someone around with medical skills," she sobbed. "We live in such a remote place... Please Maddox. I can't – I can't lose anyone else."

"You don't need him." He stepped back, pulling his shoes away from her trembling fingers. "You have me. You don't need anyone else."

Dana bent her head, more tears gliding down her cheeks. What else could she say? What else could she beg? "Please," she whispered sobbing. "Please Maddox. You told me – you told me you had changed. Don't become that harsh, inaccessible man again. Please, spare his life."

With a sigh, he sat down at the stairs. His hand cupped her cheek as he lifted her face. "All those tears... they never would have been there if you had stayed with me. If you never had left me. You brought this upon yourself, Dana. His blood is on your hands."

Anger raged through her, trying to extinguish the despair. She wanted to launch herself at him, beat him, scratch him, slam his head against the stairs until his skull was bursting. But it wouldn't help her, it wouldn't save Kip. 

She however didn't know what would. 

She laid her fingers across his as she tried to pour all her conviction into her words. "Please. I know I don't deserve your help, and that he doesn't deserve to live. But please, show him mercy. Please – give me a glimpse of that man that I have fallen in love with a long time ago, who I once loved. Not this harsh shield."

He stared at her. Dana barely dared to breathe. Would he freak out again? Or would he just ignore her? Or had she just reached that tiny remnant of his heart?

His face became softer, for a moment she even thought to see regret in his eyes. Then he stroked her cheek. "Okay, I'll go get the doctor."

Sobbing, Dana hugged him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

She felt his hand move hesitantly between her shoulder blades. She squeezed her eyes. Why couldn't he always be this way? Why was this harsh, insane side of him always dominating? She pulled back a little, laying a hand on his cheek and giving him a kiss – the first genuine, grateful kiss. 

His eyes widened and she saw that he felt the sincerity as well. Slightly frowning as if he was confused, he stood up and walked past her, down the stairs, heading to the door. With wobbly legs Dana stood up as well. She ran back to Kip, and with every step she took she became more and more afraid that she was too late, that he was already gone. 

As soon as she ran through the door, she dropped on her knees in front of him and grabbed his hand. "Kip! Kip!" she yelled, laying a hand in his neck. 

Slowly his eyes opened. He moaned as he lifted a hand to stroke her cheek, then they dropped down again. Her glance moved to the side, to the enormous pool of blood. She took off her shirt, propped it together and pushed it against the wound. 

"Help is coming. Help is really coming." Raking through his clammy hair, she kept repeating the sentence until she heard hasty footsteps enter the room. 

Maddox came in, together with an armed man that usually stood guard at the dock. Relieved, Dana breathed in. She had been right, Maddox had kept a doctor close. He wasn't stupid, he knew he was sharing a house with two people who wanted him dead. 

When Maddox came to stood next to her, her hand slipped into his. Not even to do him a favor, only because she was still afraid that Kip would die right before her eyes. She needed someone's support.

After a while Maddox pulled his hand away from hers, wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close. He pressed his lips against her jaw, next to her ear. 

"Will he survive?" Maddox asked the man. 

Grateful for his question, Dana leaned into him. 

"If he's the least of a fighter, he will."

Dana closed her eyes. A tear slipped between her eyelashes. 

A fighter he was. They all were.


	15. Juice

**. . .**

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

****. . .** **

Juice felt the pressure of her back against his stomach, her bottom against his waist. Her breathing sounded right next to him and with a satisfied feeling he snuggled closer to her, until the strands of her hair were tickling his nose. His hands glided up from her hip to her breast and a little dazed he discovered that she was still wearing a shirt. Just like him.

As soon as he realized it wasn't Dana who was lying in his bed, he pulled back his hand immediately and sat up straight. The girl muttered something, turned around and looked up to him. A slow smile spread across her face. 

"Who the hell are you?" he snarled. With his foot he shoved her to the side, so she almost fell out of bed.

Although most people sped away lately when his face turned into a grimace, this blonde wench didn't flinch. "Lotte." She sat up, with her back against the headrest of his bed. "Calm down. We haven't done anything."

Suspiciously, his eyes wandered across her pretty face and from there to her upper body. Before he met Dana, there was no doubt he  _would_ have done something with her. "Then what the fuck are you doin' here?"

Although he had gotten used to croweaters who always wanted to touch him, Lotte's hands rested on the blankets, folded. "We talked last night. A lot. You were pretty drunk and I think you took more than alcohol alone. Don't you remember?"

There was something soothing about her voice, which made him relax a little. He closed his eyes, ignored the pounding of his head and tried to see something in the dark wood of which his memories of yesterday consisted. Then he shrugged. He didn't remember her face.

"You told me that you had trouble sleeping, because of that girl. That you tried to find some rest after taking pills and alcohol, but that you still woke up every hour and panicked. Then I told you that it might be wise to not fall asleep alone, so that you aren't continuously reminded to the fact that she isn't around anymore. I told you that my boyfriend died during a car crash, and that I had trouble sleeping alone too." She looked at him, there was a sympathetic smile on her lips. "I think it helped."

Juice bent his head. He remembered barely a thing from last night. Only – that she had been with him. But she hadn't been there at all. Her absence filled him again and sharply breathing through his nose, he pressed his lips together. 

"Now you feel bad," she said softly. "I get that. But at least you had a good sleep for once. If you do that more often, you will see that things are lighter during the day as well, because the lack of sleep makes you more emotional."

Juice didn't know what to say. It felt like he had betrayed Dana by sleeping with someone else, even though it had been sleeping alone. They had been lying close together, in an intimate way. Like he only wanted to lay with her. But he couldn't ignore the truth: he'd had more sleep than every day before. 

"And now?" he huffed. "You want me to share my bed with you for the rest of my life?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "That sounds like a long time." She gave him a slight smile. "But maybe until sleeping goes better, so that we can phase out again?"

Grunting, Juice ran a hand across his face. What was she, a fucking shrink? If he needed a therapist he would find one, but he knew he was so fucked up that even a therapist wouldn't know what to do with him anymore. "Why you doin' this?"

"Because I know how you feel, Juice," she said quietly. 

Juice clenched his fist and hit the wall, right next to her face. Pain flashed through his fingers and the girl flinched. "You have no idea how I feel," he snapped. "I wished she'd been under a fucking truck, instead of in the hell she is now!"

"That does not alter the fact that I know how it feels to be not able to sleep. To feel that your whole world crumbles down every morning, when you discover that the one you love is no longer with you." Her voice sounded controlled, despite his outburst. Not scared – and not heated either. Just gentle, and it calmed him down a bit. "You suffer, Juice. Everyone sees that and nobody knows how to help you. I'm around the clubhouse for two weeks now, a friend brought me here. As soon as I saw you for the first time, I felt your pain, I recognized that lost look, that longing for someone who is no longer there." Her hand glided to his and even though he wanted to pull it away, he didn't. "I know the other girls want to help you by offering their bodies – that's just how they are. I'm not like that, Juice. I might hang out here, but I haven't slept with your brothers and the only reason I slept with you, is because I knew you wouldn't want sex. You just needed someone to displace the loneliness."

A lump formed in his throat. He stared at her fingers that were on top of his. The gesture wasn't compelling, it was soothing and he felt the longing rise to bury himself in her arms, to feel a little bit of love after Dana's love had been torn away from him so brutally. 

Scooting a little closer to him, she laid her head against his shoulder. "It's not my intention to replace Dana or to make you forget about her. I just want to be the friend that I wished I had in that dark period of my life." She squeezed his hand. "Maybe our situations are nothing alike, but we both feel that emptiness inside us. That emptiness of which we know that nobody will ever be able to fill it. I will neither be able to fill that void, Juice, but I can help you deal with it."

Juice took a deep breath. Tears were on the edge of his tear duct again. For weeks – no for months he had been looking for ways to get his life together, to recover from that horrible loss. The alcohol and pills had brought him nowhere, nor had his anger. It wouldn't harm to try this, right? His head dropped to the side, until it rested against hers. 

"Okay," he said so soft it was only a whisper.  _I got nothing else to lose anyway..._


	16. Dana

Tears filled her eyes as the same thing happened to him. His thumb was shaking as he caressed the little cheek. A trail of moisture reached from the corner of his eye to his jaw. 

"What's his name? Or her name?" His voice sounded unsteady, awkwardly. It weren't his emotions alone that were coloring his tone; it had been weeks since Maddox had allowed her to visit him and he hadn't spoken since. 

"I called her after my mom. Tabitha."

"She's so beautiful."

With a touched smile Dana looked at the broken man who was now holding her daughter in his arms. It meant so much to him – and also to her. Nobody else had held her baby and she neither wanted someone else to touch her. 

"She's six days now," she told Kip. Her hand was on his knee. His eyes were focused on the baby, whose little hand he carefully stroked.

"Did everything go well?"

Dana nodded. "Yeah." It had been heavy – really heavy. Giving birth to a child could already be traumatizing in normal circumstances, but she had been all alone. The nurse Maddox had brought here, hadn't been comforting at all. There hadn't been a mother giving her advice, no brother helping her get through it with harsh words. No Juice who was almost crushing her hand, being even more stressed than she was. Never before she had felt so lonely – until the child was born. Until she had held her in her arms. A little piece of her. A piece of Juice. The seal of their love. 

She looked at Kip again, to her little girl that was lying in his muscular arms. She imagined a tan skin and more tattoos. She could easily picture his wide, brown eyes, in love with this little miracle, but at the same time so afraid to do something wrong, to drop it. 

Quietly sobbing, she wiped her cheeks. Kip's hand moved to hers and squeezed. They both knew Juice should have been the one holding the baby now. 

"Did he make you call again?" Kip asked quietly. 

Sniveling, Dana breathed in, shaking her head. "No."

"Would you want it?"

Dana bit her lip. She had asked herself the same question many times. Would it do him any good, knowing that his daughter was healthy? Sure – for a while. Until he realized again that they were beyond his reach. He had to let her go, had to forget about her.

"I think it's better if I don't," she sighed. "Not only for him. I haven't forgotten how Maddox abused and raped me after the last time I spoke to him. I can't take the risk. Not with her." Her fingers stroked the small foot of the child. 

Kip caught her glance. "How did he respond? On her?"

Dana swallowed. "He doesn't want to hold her. On the one hand I'm happy about it – but it scares me. The way he sometimes looks at her..." A pang went through her chest. Her face had to tense, for he carefully handed back the baby. 

She placed her daughter in her arms and pressed a shaky kiss to her soft forehead. A tear slipped down her cheek. "I'm so afraid, Kip," she whispered. "I"m so afraid that he will hurt her. She's so fragile, so powerless." She held Tabitha a little tighter. "Every time I can't get her quiet, his face becomes dark and it frightens me so much..."

The little girl felt her fear, her grief and she started to sob. Quickly Dana stood up and cradled her in her arms, walking small circles through the room.  

"Ssh," she whispered. "Ssh sweetheart. Everything's fine." Her own heavy breathing contradicted her words. She tried to fight off the panic, but her fear went so deep and was so real that she couldn't find any calmness. 

Kip stood up and wrapped an arm around her, kissing her cheek. "I'm going to get you out of here, Dane. The both of you. I've been long enough in this room the come up with a plan."

Skittishly she looked at him. They were stuck on this island for almost nine months now – and his last attempt to overpower Maddox had been so reckless that he had almost died because of it. "If you fail..."

He took a deep breath. "We'll do it when there's no other choice anymore. If you are sure that he will harm your child."

Dana looked at her daughter again. She restlessly moved her head from left to right, making soft sounds, but she wasn't crying anymore. She was strong, just like her parents. Taking a deep breath, she looked at Kip again. "What's your plan?"

"I need a knife, or even a fork. Can you get me one? And something like a safety pin."

Shaky, she nodded, wiping her eyes. "You know – you know what will happen to you if things go wrong, right?"

"Things won't go wrong. It won't be an impulse move this time." He laid a hand against her cheek and gave her an intense look. "I'm going to get you and the little on out of here, okay?" His beard pricked her skin as he gave her another kiss – this time on the corner of her mouth. 

Dana breathed in sharply as they looked at each other. She had almost forgotten how it felt to be kissed by someone who she didn't hate. She saw the hesitation in his eyes – and she knew he could read it in her eyes too. 

He loved someone else – just like her. 

But all of a sudden, she craved for his lips, for a little bit of love, for something else than Maddox's cold touches. A little fist pressed against her breast, distracting her. A blush spread across her cheeks and she quickly turned around, blinking away new tears as she left the room. 

Shivering, she pressed a kiss on Tabitha's forehead. "Mommy will never love someone like she loves your daddy," she whispered. "Never forget that."

She squeezed her eyes.  _Indeed, Dana. Never forget that. Kip can never give you what you miss so terribly._

She knew it was true. But maybe he could fill the gaping hole in her chest a little bit. Just a little bit.


	17. Juice

Things were going a little better. 

There were still sleepless nights, anger issues and sudden crying jags when he was alone, but no longer sleeping alone helped a little. Lotte was like an angel. She didn't insist on anything, nor did she mind when he cuddled up to her during the night. 

Most times he wasn't aware of it – but more and more often he did it on purpose. He felt guilty about it, even though their intimacy didn't go further than an embrace. But sometimes – very occasionally – he longed for more. 

Dana was gone for ten months now. Whenever he left the clubhouse he looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, even though he knew she couldn't be anywhere close to him. Maddox had locked her up somewhere far away and things would stay that way until one of them was dead. Slowly he started to accept that there was a big chance that he would never see her again and that it might be better if he tried to deal with his loss. 

And still it felt so wrong – trying to move on while she wouldn't be able to move on. Locked up by an insane man, with their child...  _his_ child. 

The past weeks he had almost gotten a heart-attack, every time the phone at the bar had rung. He however hadn't heard from her and even though he knew it would be better for his mental health if things stayed that way, he still wished that Maddox allowed her to call him once more. He would give his arm for hearing her voice one more time. 

He took a pile of pictures from his nightstand and watched them for the umpteenth time. His thumb brushed her smiling lips, his eyes fixing on hers; they were shining. A lump appeared in his throat.

Ten months. They were apart for ten months. 

They were almost longer separated than they had been together.

The door of his dorm room opened and Lotte slipped inside. In the clubhouse they never hang out together; Juice didn't want anyone to think that he was cheating on Dana, even though most of his brothers had pushed him to find distraction with one of the girls more than once. 

Lotte showed him a friendly smile as she sat down next to him. On a whim he wanted to put away the pictures, but she pushed her fingers against his hand.

"Can I take a look at them?"

Juice hesitated. She was encouraging him to talk about Dana for a while now, but he found it incredibly hard. Up to now she had however proven to be good support and after a deep sigh he handed her the pictures.

Lotte put a pillow behind her back and shoved closer to the wall. Her arm was touching his, but she didn't pull it away. Nor did he.

"Wow, she is so pretty. You both look so happy," she said softly. "The chemistry is dripping from the pictures."

His lips bent into a sad smile.

She chuckled as she looked at the Halloween pictures. He felt a pang in his stomach and he quickly wiped his eyes. "We had picked each other's costumes. Before I knew her, the guys once dropped me in a diaper in front of the police station after I had passed out after taking some pills. She wanted to see me like that too." Again he gave her a watery smile. "I proposed to her, that day. Only wearing a diaper. In a Ferris wheel." He sucked in his bottom lip as the lump in his throat increased. "I was so nervous and it came so totally out of the blue that she was kinda shocked."

"But she said yes." Lotte winked. 

"Yeah. Thank God; she said yes. We hid until after closing time and then we sneaked into the haunted castle to celebrate our engagement. The sex with her was always great, but that time we were in a churting mood, tears of laughter streaming down our cheeks while we were trying some crazy things." He wiped a tear off his cheek. Man, he loved this woman so much. He would never find someone like her again.

"We should be glad that we have both experienced true love." Lotte squeezed his hand. "Not everyone finds that. It might have been volatile, but you'll never find more passion in your life."

Juice let out a shaky sigh, bending his head. "Am I an idiot for still hoping that she'll come back to me?"

"Of course not, Juice. It would make no sense if you didn't." She was quiet for a while. "I saw Jasper's body, I know he's dead. Still I often hope that it's all a misunderstanding, that I have just lost my mind and that his death isn't real. It's stupid, and deep down I know the truth. But sometimes pretending that he is still alive somewhere, is the only way to keep my heart going. And Dana isn't even dead, Juice. Of course she can come back to you. Maybe she'll manage to escape again, maybe Maddox will come to his sense, letting her go. But maybe none of these things will happen. Hope can destroy a person. You shouldn't wait for her, you should move on with your life and when she does come back, you'll live your life together again."

 _And if not, I'll have to do it alone,_ he thought, sighing. He stared at the pictures again. 

"Tell me about her," Lotte encouraged him. "What was she like? What are the reasons that you love her so much?"

Juice didn't answer immediately, he had barely talked about Dana since she was gone. But while talking about her, just a minute ago, he had felt a little bit of warmth. 

"She was so strong," he said quietly. "So incredibly strong. As long as I know her, that psycho was after her. Although she had her weak moments, she pulled through. Her bad memories didn't stop her from doing anything; every day she found something that made her smile. And her laughter..." His lips were quivering, his eyes started to itch. "I miss her laughter so much, her voice... her positivity... Despite the continuous danger we were so happy. Our fights never lasted longer than a day. We could forgive each other, we... we loved each other." He swallowed with difficulty. "We love each other." With his thumb he stroked the arrow that was tattooed on his hand. "I don't understand how someone can be so selfish to lock her up, claiming that he loves her. I really don't get it. He hurts her so much, both of us, and our baby... My kid is there with that asshole and – and..." He breathed in heavily, trying to get his thoughts straight again. "My father was never there for me. I wanted – I wanted to give my kid what I missed all those years, but I can't. I can't find him or her. What terrible father am I? I can hack my way into basically everything, but I can't even find my own girl, my kid." Suddenly he couldn't breath anymore. The room was spinning around him and he clawed in the blankets on his bed. 

Vaguely he noticed how Lotte let go of his hand and sat down on his lap, her face towards him. Her thumbs caressing his cheeks as her eyes tried to hold his glance, just like Dana had done so many times.

"Easy, Juice," she said in a calm tone. "Someone who is so worried about his child, about his girl, can't be a bad father. You are just as much a victim as they are. Sometimes – sometimes we just have to face powers we can't deal with, but that doesn't mean that you're weak." Her hand rested on his cheek and he closed his eyes as he tried to control his breathing again. 

Sometimes he wondered if this girl was even real; if she wasn't just a figment of his imagination. The way she talked, the way she looked at him was sometimes reminding him so much of Dana that it made him shiver. 

He looked up again, in her green blueish eyes. His hand caressed her cheek and the warm skin underneath his fingers made him breath in sharply. Very slowly their faces came closer. Their lips were touching and even though he felt a stab in his stomach, he didn't pull back his face. Contrary; his fingers raked through her long, blonde hair. 

She however did pull back her face, giving him a sad smile. Her eyes were worried. "I'm not Dana, Juice. Kissing me won't make you feel better."

He bent his head. Of course she was right. "Sorry. I – I don't know what happened."

"I do. You miss her, you're looking for comfort. I want to offer you that comfort, but not... not like that."

"Sorry," he whispered again.

"It's okay." Her hand was still cupping his cheek and she lifted his face a little. "You're confused, you're hurt... and I'm reminding you of her, right?"

He sighed. "It's just... talking about her..." He shook his head as his eyes started to itch again. 

"It's okay, Juice, don't worry. This is part of finding closure." She kissed his forehead and slid off his lap. "You're dealing with your pain, with your loss, and if I look back to the past month, you're really making progress. This was the first time that you could talk about her." Again there was that sweet, sad smile. "You'll become the man you once were again, Juice, trust me."


	18. Kip

He was in love with her. 

He had fallen in love with her and he had kissed her. 

It had only been a kiss on the corner of her mouth, but it had startled her. Kip hated himself for it. Three weeks had passed since the kiss, and he hadn't seen Dana since. Did Maddox forbid her to see him or had it been her own decision? The not knowing was frustrating and he could barely think about something else since he was locked up is this shitty little room. Once a week Maddox let him out to take a shower and to empty the bucket in the corner of the room; but every other minute there was a chain around his ankle allowing him to take just a few steps. He however couldn't even get anywhere close to the door. 

And he was held captive for months. 

_Months!_

He wasn't surprised by his feelings for Dana; hoping to see her had been his only light the past weeks; the only thing he could look forward to. The only thing that dragged him through this misery. 

He felt ashamed for his thoughts about her. She was the fiance of his brother; in her eyes he was like a brother. There had been nothing wrong about kissing her cheek – but pressing a kiss to her mouth? 

Sighing, he raked a hand through his long, greasy hair. His scalp was itching. He felt like a filthy animal and without Dana's help he would never be able to leave this place. If she didn't want to see him anymore... then he would probably never get out. 

It was not making any sense, he knew that very wel. Dana wouldn't be pissed because of one kiss – Kozik had smacked her right under Juice's nose and the two had stayed friends nevertheless. But doing nothing, the waiting, it just messed with his head, making him doubt everything and going through every possible scenario. 

* * *

Numbed, Kip looked up as the door opened. As soon as Dana entered the room, he forgot about his painful joints. Worried he studied her face, but there were no injuries, no tears.

"Hey," she said softly, kneeling across from him and swinging with a key. "Gonna free you."

"What?" he stammered baffled. 

"I behaved very well the past weeks. Maddox will leave the island for a week and when I begged him to let you out of this room for this week because you wouldn't be able to hurt him anyway, he agreed."

Kip swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn't want to think about the things she had been doing to get him to agree. 

"Thank you," he said in a hoarse voice. 

She offered him a smile that caused a twisted feeling in his stomach. It was unbelievable that she was still able to smile after all this. She was so different from Cherry, who had been driven into a corner and betrayed them all. Although Dana had been desperate too, she pulled through time and time again. 

"How's Tabitha?"

"Good. Maddox seems to get used to her." 

He saw the relief in her eyes. A little awkwardly he rubbed his upper arm. "I'm sorry about last time. When I kissed you."

She didn't look away. "Don't be."

Relieved, Kip took a deep breath. She clearly hadn't been angry. 

"Go take a shower, you smell."

Although that wasn't his fault, shame washed over him. "Is Maddox really gone?" he asked as he had loosened his chain and walked up to the hallway. "Is he really letting us... just walk around freely?"

Dana shrugged her shoulders. "We can't go anywhere anyway. He said he had some business meetings."

Kip could barely believe that Dana was freed from that asshole for a whole week. He had probably tightened up the security, but Kip still wondered if there would ever be a better moment to escape.

* * *

Ten minutes later Kip was showering. He sighed contented as the warm jets loosened up his stiff muscles. Would he finally sleep in a bed again, instead of on the ground? 

The question disappeared with the water in the drain as the door to the bathroom was opened. He couldn't see much through the steamed glass, but there weren't much people who could walk in. A little dazed he stared at the condensation until the shower door was opened and Dana stepped in. 

Kip couldn't believe his eyes. Before he could say or do something, she pushed him with his back against the cabin and her lips crashed on his. His whole body responded as her hand stroked his chest, as her tongue invaded his mouth.

Still he pushed her away. "Dana... I... what are you doing?"

She bent her head, a blush appeared on her cheeks. "I thought – I thought you wanted this too..."

"Juice is my brother! My friend! You're his fiance, I can't..."

"But Juice isn't here!" she answered, glaring at him. "Juice isn't here, okay? A man who I hate is touching me for ten months! I want... I just want..." She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes. "Never mind. I was selfish. I just wanted sex with someone I care about for once. Someone I have feelings for – something else than hateful feelings."

Kip stared a bit sheepishly at her. "You have feelings for me?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Why wouldn't I, Kip? I like you, I feel comfortable around you and well, you have quite a body. When you kissed me... I wanted more. A real kiss."

"But Juice..."

"I'm constantly fucked by someone else than him! I need this – I need a little bit of fun. And you need it too. If we ever manage to get back to Charming, Juice will get over it."

Kip hesitated. "But if Maddox finds out..."

"He won't. He isn't around and I convinced him that you're just a friend. Can't we just forget where we are, for just one week?" She stepped closer to him, so close that her hard nipples touched his soaked chest. He breathed in sharply as her hand stroked his erection, pulling it softly. "You want this too. You're hard as hell, and the look in your eyes is telling me that you want me."

Kip knew it was true. After having been locked up for so long, her presence was just overwhelming. And if it would make her feel better, if it would make  _him_ feel better, then why not? 

Stroking her cheek, he stared into her eyes for a while, convincing himself that she really wanted this. Her arms slid around his neck and when she kissed him again, he stopped holding himself back. 

His hands wandered across her hips, her breasts. Her skin felt warm, soft... it made him gasp for breath. 

After a passionate kiss she led his hand downward while looking up to him. Seeing her pleading eyes, he gave in. His fingers played with her, glided inside her, while she leaned with her head and back against the shower cabin. Her lips were parted, she looked up to him through her eyelashes.   
  
"It's... it's for the first time in months that I want sex," she said with a gravelly voice. "It feels... It feels so much better than..."

He silenced her with a kiss, he didn't want to hear Maddox's name. 

Or Juice's.

The thought about the man however made his stomach cringe again. He was betraying him; he should have protected her from rape and instead of doing so, he was just about to fuck her himself. 

She moaned as he shoved his fingers deeper inside her. He was also burning with desire; he kissed her neck and her breasts. As he sucked her nipple, she started to jerk him off. It was such a long time ago that someone had touched him that way that he was sure he wouldn't last long. With one hand he turned off the shower, afraid that he would lose his grip otherwise, then he lifted her and backed her up against the cabin. 

Hesitating, he looked at her. Shouldn't he say something? That he thought that she was beautiful – that she looked damn sexy? He didn't want to be like Maddox by just taking from her what he wanted, even when she wanted the same. 

"Are you sure you want this?"

"Didn't you feel how wet I am?" Her lips touched his, she sank her teeth in his bottom lip. "Let me come, Kip. My last orgasm was ten months ago, let me enjoy sex again."

Although there was still a nagging feeling in his stomach, he lifted her a little higher. She tilted her pelvis and he pushed himself inside her. As soon as he felt her around his tip, a soft moan slipped his lips. "We don't have a condom," he realized. 

"I'm at the end of my period, it will take at least a week before I'm fertile again," she assured him. She pressed herself against him so that he slid deeper inside her. He had wanted to pick up a slow pace, but once he trusted inside her and their eyes locked, he lost control. 

Before he knew it, he was done.

"Sorry," he muttered as he slid out of her. "It uh, was a long time ago."

Would she compare him to Juice now? Would she conclude that this wasn't what she had been hoping for? Fuck – he had really done it. He had fucked his brother's old lady – his  _fiance._ Suddenly he was disgusted with himself. However, he couldn't leave yet; she wasn't done yet. To avoid to look her in the eye, he started to kiss her again, his hand gliding between her legs where he satisfied her until she drove her nails into his shoulder blades and arched her back. 

How was it possible that she wasn't plagued by guilty feelings? He knew how much she loved Juice. Or was it different for her, because she was forced to have sex almost every night?

"Thank you," she panted in his ear after she had reached her momentum as well. "That felt amazing."

He lowered her on her feet again, still not looking at her. 

Her hand glided across his chest as she tried to catch his glance. "Didn't you like it? Or – or is it because of Cherry?"

Kip had barely thought about Cherry, not for a while. Thinking about Dana had made him feel guilty, but thinking about Cherry... that only hurt. A lot. 

"I don't know," he muttered. "It feels like I've betrayed Juice."

And it didn't just feel that way. That was exactly what he had done.


	19. Dana

They slept next to each other – but they had no sex again. They however had kissed two more times, spontaneous kisses, which had made both of them blush a bit. Dana's feelings for him were an enormous mess. Sometimes there were butterflies, sometimes she just longed for an embrace – but most times Juice was the only one who she could think about; making her miss him terribly and feeling so much regret about her erotic shower with Kip that the shame was almost killing her. Still she tried to ward off thoughts like that; her life was already hard enough. 

"I think we should do it tonight," Kip said on the forth day that Maddox was gone. 

Dana breathed in sharply. They had discussed the plan three times now, resulting in various nightmares. Still they had to try it. There would be a day that Maddox would hurt Tabitha, she was 100% sure. 

And even if he didn't, Kip would end up in the sea sooner or later. Especially when her feelings for him kept growing. As soon as Maddox would catch a longing glance, Kip would die. 

"If we wait, the chance that he will find us will only increase."

"Yeah, you're right," Dana muttered. Nervousness squeezed her heart. If it went wrong...

"Hey, everything's gonna be all right." Kip cupped her cheek with his hand. "You're going back to your man. Juice will finally be able to hold his girls. Both of them." He kissed her forehead. "Everything will be fine, Dane, I'll make sure of it. We thought this out really well."

That was true – but there were still lots of uncertainties. 

"There won't be any risk for the two of you. The only thing you need to, is lure the doctor into this room."

Breathing in deeply, Dana nodded. She could do this. She'd be doing this for Tabitha, for Juice. For herself. For Kip. For Kozik – for everyone she knew. 

"You know the numbers, right?"

Dana nodded; she had learned them by heart when she had been in Mexico.

"Good." He gave her a convincing smile. 

* * *

Dana could barely listen to it anymore. Tabitha was crying for two hours now and still Dana kept away from her daughter. She felt a terrible mother – even though she did it with the best intentions. 

It wasn't before an hour after midnight that she went to see her daughter, smearing some drops of ketchup on her chin, her collar and blanket. 

"Sorry sweetheart," she whispered, pressing a kiss to her heated forehead. "Just a li'l longer."

A shiver traveled down her body as Tabitha started to scream even harder when Dana turned away from her again. Tears piled up in her eyes. 

_Come on, Dane. At least they will hear this at the dock too. She won't die because of a few hours without your comfort._

But it felt terribly wrong, using her helpless child to get away from here. 

Squaring her shoulders, she bit her knuckles until the tears jumped in her eyes. Immediately she called up her worst memories. Opie's dead, Juice's tear-stained face when she walked away from him, his broken voice that she had heard through the phone... The tears became larger and she started to sob. Kip squeezed her shoulder, then she ran outside, to the dock, barefoot and only wearing a nightie. 

"Help!" she yelled. "Help, my little baby!" She grasped the bars of the fence and started to rattle them. "Please! My daughter, she's sick! She's drooling blood! Please, let the medic come with me!"

In the shadows she saw some movements; deep voices sounded. A door was opened, and after a minute she saw the man who had patched up Kip more than half a year ago. 

"Please, help me!" she begged him, shedding more crocodile tears. 

"I'm coming," he grunted. "Calm down."

Dana tried to push away the excitement and kept allowing the bad memories inside her head until she felt sick. Together with the man she sprinted towards the house, heading for the bedroom. She went in first. They had moved the crib a little; closer to the door behind which Kip had hid himself. She stood still besides her crying daughter, giving the man enough space to lean over. As soon as he looked inside the crib, Kip left his hiding place; a kitchen knife in his hand. Right before the medic could pick up Tabitha, Kip wrapped an arm around his chest and hooked his foot around the man's ankle. In one movement he pulled the other backwards, moving his arm across the man's face to smother his screams. With his other hand he jammed the knife in the medic's neck, ripping it out and striking again, until blood gushed down across his shoulder and the man's body collapsed. 

A piece of flesh dangled from Kip's arm where the man had bitten him, but he wiped it on his pants nonchalantly, inspecting the dead body and pulling the machine gun from his shoulder. His hand slid inside the man's pocket and a second later he handed her the phone. 

"See you in a few minutes," he said in a low voice. With his unharmed arm he pulled her close and gave her a brief kiss, then he hurried away with the machine gun. 

Dana's fingers were shaking as she typed in Juice's number. Pacing through the room she waited until he picked up, even though it was past midnight. 

Voicemail. She took a deep breath, swallowed the paralyzing disappointment and tried Kozik's number. Again voicemail. 

"Hey Koz," she whispered. Her throat felt soar. "Kip and I are trying to escape, but if we don't succeed..." She took a deep breath, trying to catch gun sounds, but except for Tabitha's cries she heard nothing. "We're on an island in the middle of the ocean, one square kilometer at most... with a coast nearby since they can get here with speedboats. There are five guards, uh, four now, and Maddox is on a business trip until Saturday." Her lips started to tremble. There were too many emotions plaguing her to tell him more, and she wanted to save a few words for Juice. "I gotta go now," she muttered, wiping her eyes. "Bye."

She ended the call and dialed Juice's number again. She swallowed with difficulty as she listened to his voice; the merry sound made her heart squeeze. 

"Hey baby," she said, clearing her throat. Then she broke, as she had already expected – the reason she had wanted to answer Kozik's voicemail first. For some time she just sobbed, until she had regained control of herself. "Sorry," she muttered. "I just miss you so much. Not an hour goes by that I'm not thinkin' about you. I – I love you so, so much." She took a deep breath. "Kip is tryin' to take out the guards right now, we managed to get a machine gun." Tabitha's crying distracted her. Shame crept on her cheeks and she lifted the little child. "I – I'm talking to daddy," she said, clamping the phone between her ear and shoulder. "We have a daughter, Juice," she continued. "I called her Tabitha. She – she has your eyes. Your nose." She pressed her lips together when another sob escaped her lips. 

Suddenly Tabitha was quiet; she was looking at her mother with wide eyes, if she realized to who she was talking. A shaky smile appeared on Dana's face. 

"I'll try to send you a picture. You have to see her." She wiped her eyes. "I love you, Juan. I can't wait to be with you again, to hold you. That – that's the only thing keepin' me sane." She took a deep breath, nervously listening to a sign of Kip. 

_Please, let our plan work. Let us get out of here..._

"I have to get myself ready to leave," she said in a tiny voice when she started to fear that her emotions would become too intense to move another muscle. "Goodbye my love. I hope to see you soon."


	20. Kip

It was such a long time ago that he had carried out a violent action and there was so much at stake that he could barely concentrate. Although there had been countless times in which he had held a gun, it felt awkward this time and for the first time since Iraq he was afraid to miss his target. 

It had to be possible. Five guards who didn't suspect anything. Or would they still be alert after Dana's cry for help? He couldn't imagine that Maddox had hired the first group of idiots that he had came across, so he assumed that they would be waiting for him. 

Not that it mattered much. He couldn't carry out much strategies on his own, so with the night as cover he sneaked towards the dock and searched for a good hiding place. As soon as he had found one, he checked if the muffler was tightened well enough, took position and waited. 

After ten minutes one of the men called for a cigarette, where after the other walked up to him. The nicotine needing man took a few step to approach his pal, and as soon as they were both within shooting range, Kip started to fire. 

Satisfaction made his lips curl up as he hit both men in the chest, who went down in silence. Two men were left. Hope spread through his veins. Slowly he moved closer to the fence, ready to shoot as soon as the other guards showed up. It didn't take long before another guard appeared. He was shooting blindly, but Kip saw him clear and put a bullet in his brain. One more. 

Only one!

Excitement made the gun shake in his hands. He could already smell freedom, could feel it itch underneath his skin. 

And then the door slammed shut. 

There was silence, no movement to be seen. 

Kip kept sitting there crouched down for ten minutes. Twenty minutes. He thought about Dana, who was waiting for him in the house, the nervousness driving her crazy. And he thought about the man in the boathouse, that really needed to die before they could escape. 

Suddenly there was a deep voice. "Lay down your gun or I'll blow up that cute little baby's face!" 

Kip froze, his breathing stuck in his throat. That was bluff, right? He had kept an eye on the entrance the whole time, there was no way that he had gone to the house to get Dana and Tabitha. Or was there another entrance? A direct passage to the house? 

"Show me you got her!"

The only reaction he got in return, was a mocking laughter. 

Kip knew that the other was bluffing, he was 99 percent sure.

But not 100.

He took a deep breath, holding the gun even tighter. "Sorry Dana," he whispered. He had to try it. He knew Tabitha had no future here, not with all the dead people around him now. Maddox would be furious and the easiest way to punish Dana, was by hurting her defenseless daughter.

He had no choice. Zigzagging he ran to the fence. Bullets rained down around him, filling him with relief for the first time in his life. At least Dana and Tabitha were still safe. For a moment the thought to send Dana shot through his head; the remaining guard probably wouldn't dare to shoot at her. 

But maybe he would. Maybe he felt so cornered that he would kill her and flee. Even if Kip  _did_ manage to escape, he would never be able to justify his deeds to the club. Juice would never look at him again, he might be voted out or even get Mayhem. 

He kept running along the fence until he had found the dead angle of the shooter, grabbed the top of the fence an swung his legs over it. The spool of razor wire grabbed his pants, but he tore himself loose and fell down. He landed clumsily upon the gun, which went off, making dirt spatter in his face. Quickly he jumped up, sprinted to the door and slammed his shoulder against the wood. 

There was no resistance, it swung open like it hadn't even been closed. Kip stumbled through the hallway, fell on the ground and when he tried to get on his feet again, he felt the barrel of a gun against his head. 

" _Bang bang,_ " a voice sang. "Nice try, cowboy."


	21. Juice

Juice was holding his breath as his hand shoved upwards across her side. The fabric of her black nightdress felt smooth underneath his palm, and he wondered if her bare skin would feel even smoother. She held his glance, seemed a little breathless as well. There was a lazy smile around her lips, but she didn't make any move herself. 

He had never touched her like he was doing now. They had cuddled, she had slept in his arms, but this was the first time his fingers had taken this road to discovery. Maybe it was something innocent; for him however it was a big step and his feelings were all messed up. 

On the one hand he wanted to feel her skin right beneath his fingertips, on the other hand that longing only filled him with shame. He didn't even know what had made him do this; it was 5 A.M. and suddenly he hadn't been able to control himself anymore. Maybe there had been a dream leaving traces behind in his mind; he couldn't remember. 

Lotte had became his reality, he realized. She was here every night, he could touch her whenever he wanted, could talk to her, see her smile. And Dana... Dana felt like a chimera, a figure from his dreams, untouchable, unreal...

His hand had reached her breast. His thumb was stroking the side, through the fabric he could see her hard nipple. 

"Juice..." she said softly, but with a hoarse tone. "Are you sure you –"

"I want you."

Suddenly all his self-control was gone. He rolled on top of her, his hand gliding underneath her dress, grabbing her breast. She gasped for air, and as soon as he heard that, he pressed his lips on hers. It was such a long time ago... He had a feeling he wasn't ready mentally, but his body surely was. While he was still not sure if he should go through with this, he was already kissing her passionately, squeezing her tit and he noticed that his other hand was pulling down her panties.

His lips wandered to her neck, sucked her skin, and the next moment he thrust inside her. It didn't even cross his mind to figure out if she was ready too; his body seemed to act alone. 

"Ow," she muttered wronged. "Juice...!"

"Sorry," he whispered in her ear, but he didn't stop, he kept thrusting inside her, faster and faster. She was lying beneath him like a sack of potatoes. Memories of Dana shot through his head; her laughter, her teasing whispers, her hot touches... He growled, feeling nothing but frustrated. 

Suddenly the door of his room slammed open. In a daze he looked over his shoulder, still buried deep inside Lotte. 

"Wow... okay..." Kozik stared a little dazed at them, then he shook off his bewilderment and swayed with his phone. "Dana... Dana called, a few hours ago. I assume she called you too."

_Dana..._

"This uh, this isn't what it looks like," Juice muttered in confusion. 

Something which he might have been able to claim if Kozik had been a few minutes earlier, but he didn't fully realize what he had done yet. Kozik's words didn't really dawn on him either; it took a few seconds before a jolt went through his body. "She – she called?"

"Yeah, she left a message. They're trying to escape. She probably left you a message too."

Juice climbed over Lotte and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. There was no missed call. Immediately he called his voicemail, but there were no messages, new ones nor old ones. Defeated, he dropped the device. 

"She... she didn't call me." Suddenly it felt like someone was strangling him. Did she know about Lotte and him? Did she think that he had cheated on her? Was there still a croweater in the clubhouse reporting to Maddox? 

 _You_ did  _cheat on her, Juice._

With a grunt he silenced the voice in his head. 

"Leave," he snarled at Lotte, who studied his face with a worried look in her eyes. 

"I'm not some kind of..."

"Get out!" he snapped, grabbing her wrist and pulling her off the bed. "Fuck off, you whore!"

For a moment there was a fierce look flaming up in her eyes, then she sighed, turned away from Kozik awkwardly and pulled up her panties again. Then she left.

Juice sat down on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. 

She hated him. She hated him, if not she would have called him.

"What... what did she say?" he muttered. "You think – you really think there's a chance they'll escape?"

The mattress sank down as her brother sat down next to him. He put his phone on the speaker and played the message. 

"Hey Koz," a tensed voice whispered. "Kip and I are trying to escape, but if we don't succeed..." She took a deep breath. Tears were brimming in his eyes as he heard a baby cry. His baby. "We're on an island in the middle of the ocean, one square kilometer at most... with a coast nearby since they can get here with speedboats. There are five guards, uh, four now, and Maddox is on a business trip until Saturday." There was a short silence. "I gotta go now. Bye."

No word about him, nor about his kid. He didn't even know if the cries he had heard were from his son or his daughter. Even the message addressed to Kozik sounded cold. He wiped his eyes, breathing shakily. 

Kozik laid an arm around his shoulders. "Maybe she just lacked the time to call you," he said quietly. "Chin up, Juice. It's the message that counts. We finally have a lead where she might be, and maybe she'll call later with some news. It's four hours ago, maybe she's on her way right now. And hey, she might just be lacking your number."

"She would have left a message on your phone," he muttered. "She's mad at me. She... she knows." He looked down, stared at the ring that she had bought him for Christmas. His engagement ring. 

And just a minute ago he had been inside some bitch – he was disgusted with himself. 

Taking a few breaths, he tried to concentrate on the message. She was on a island not far from the coast – and maybe she would escape. Maybe she would come back to him. That was more important than anything; he would figure out later how to make things right with her now he had cheated on her. He stood up and picked up his laptop so he could start his search immediately. "Did you try to call her back?"

"As soon as I woke up, but she didn't answer."

Juice tried to ignore the nasty feeling in his stomach, without knowing what was causing it; the thought that Dana's attempt to escape had failed or the disgusting thing he had just done himself...


	22. Kozik

Kozik wished that his computer skills also reached beyond opening an internet browser and typing an URL in the location bar, then he would have felt less useless than he was doing now. While Juice was trying to locate the call, Kozik aimlessly walked around the clubhouse. For a moment he stood still in front of the wall with the picture frames. More than half of his brothers were dead or in jail, he noted with a sigh. He thought about Happy. Should he visit his friend, tell him about the call? Or would it do him no good, especially when Dana  _hadn't_ escaped? For he had to admit in all honesty that the fact that she wasn't picking up the phone was disturbing him. Or was she somewhere on open sea, far away from every phone tower?

Suddenly he noticed that he wasn't alone. He didn't know if it was a sound that he had caught or that he was sensing someone's presence, but he turned around. After his eyes had darted through the dark room, they settled on a figure huddled against the wall in the farthest corner. In a whim he walked towards the stranger, softly sighing as he recognized the girl that Juice had sent away a few minutes ago.

"Hey," he said quietly, squatting in front of her. "Don't feel bad about it. He has these asshole moods throughout the year. It's a miracle you haven't experienced them before."

Wiping her eyes, she looked up to him. There was something fragile about her, something sweet, something he hadn't seen often around Croweaters. "Usually I can calm him down when he bursts into a rage."

Kozik's hands slipped inside his pockets, he had no idea what to say. "You know about Dana?" he asked after a while. 

She nodded, staring at her hands. "He showed me pictures and told me about her."

In surprise, Kozik raised his eyebrows. He hadn't expect to hear that at all. "He did?"

Biting on her lip, she moved her attention back to his eyes. "After my boyfriend died, I had trouble sleeping too. When I saw how tired he was, I wanted to help him. So we slept together – which helped him. We just slept next to each other, cuddled at most, and we never did anything more than that – until tonight. I know it was loneliness encouraging him to have sex with me, but I also noticed that it did something to me... that I might have developed feelings for him. If not – if not his snark wouldn't have bothered me so much." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "It's stupid, 'cause I know he loves Dana. It's just... I never had feelings for anyone since my boyfriend died."

Kozik still didn't know what to say. She seemed to be a sweet girl, but he had other things on his mind than the life story of a girl he didn't know. "I'm sorry for you," he said eventually to the girl, who was still staring at him, a lost look in her eyes. "I think you should pick one of the others guys. There's no way  that Juice will be ready for a new relationship anywhere in the near future."

"Pick one of the other guys?" she repeated, in a tone sounding more angry than he'd expected. "What do you think I am, a Croweater?"

"Yeah..." he admitted.

"I'm not like that."

"Okay... whatever you want, girl." He shrugged – he couldn't care less about how she defined herself or how he should define her. "Sorry – got bigger problems on my mind now." 

He turned away from her and headed for Juice's room again. The only light was coming from Juice's laptop, to which he was staring with a pale face. Kozik's phone was lying next to him, goosebumps spread across his arms as he heard Dana's voicemail message. 

Kozik turned on the light. "Found something?"

"No," he sighed. "Couldn't trace the call."

A silence fell. The look in Juice's eyes told him that he had aimed all his attention to Dana's voice. Once more his heart squeezed at the sight of the desperation radiating from the young man. After swallowing a sigh, he sat down next to him. "You okay?"

Juice dropped his eyes. "I feel guilty."

"She said it was the first time..." Kozik tried to weaken his guilt, knowing that feeling wouldn't help him to heal. 

"It was. I don't know what happened. The past month... we grew really close." He swallowed, taking a deep breath. "But today..."

"Don't take it too hard. You needed a distraction, nobody will blame you for that."

"No, it wasn't like that," he muttered. "It was more. It felt... like I was trying to move on with my life. As if I was accepting that Dana would never come back to me. And right at that time... Dana called." He blinked away a few tears. The voicemail-message replayed. "I was giving up on her. While she was fighting for her life."

Kozik laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "She's gone for ten months, Juice, and you've been through hell. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you made a mistake – maybe you didn't. She – she seemed nice."

"She is. She's nice, and sweet..." Juice muttered, wiping his eyes. "But she isn't Dana." He heaved a deep sigh. "I should apologize to her."

From the corner of his eye, Kozik looked at his brother. Fair is fair – the girl clearly had awakened something inside Juice that nobody else had done since Dana was gone, for despite his regular whims, Kozik had never heard him apologize to anyone, despite the consequences of his rage. "Yeah, I think you should do that. She was crying in the clubhouse."

Juice dropped his eyes. "Great. Right now there are only two women who mean something to me and I've hurt them both."

"You don't know if Dana..."

"I do," he answered shortly. "She knows my number by heart. I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't call me, unless she knows that Lotte is sleeping in my bed for weeks."

Kozik said nothing. He however doubted Juice's words. Dana knew Juice loved her, and that another girl would only be like pain meds because  _she_ wasn't around. She had surrendered herself to Maddox to save Juice – he could see her being angry, but not telling him about their kid? There was just something off...


	23. Dana

The floor creaked. 

Footsteps were coming closer. 

A shiver glided down her spine and she pressed Tabitha a little tighter against her chest. She was sleeping – finally she was sleeping. It felt like she hadn't stopped crying the past 24 hours, as if she knew their attempt to escape had failed. Their last chance to leave this horrible place. 

Someone had surprised her by entering the house, holding them at gunpoint. After he had grabbed the phone out of her hands, he had locked her up in the room where Kip had been held captive during the past months. What had happened to her friend, she didn't know. He was probably dead.

Ever since, she sat hunched up on the ground. Her stomach was growling, her throat burning, although she would feel too sick to eat something. She had tried to breast feed Tabitha, but stress had ruined the ability to feed her daughter before and usually she made a bottle. However, nobody had paid attention to Tabitha's cries now and in the end the exhaustion had became too much for her.

"Sorry," she whispered again to the little creature that she loved so much, her dry lips trembling as she pressed them against Tabitha's temple. "I wish I could do more for you. That I'd been a better mommy." Her chest stung. "And that we could go to daddy."

She couldn't imagine how Juice must feel now. Perhaps it had been better if she had never called him, if she had never sent him that picture of Tabitha. Now she had only brought up his pain, tearing his heart to pieces again. She was creating wounds that would never ever heal. 

Dana's thoughts silenced as the door handle went down. For a moment she thought that somebody would finally bring them some food or water, but even before the door was opened, she knew this wasn't the man who had locked her up in this room. 

It was Maddox.

Skittishly, she looked up to him. The sight of him paralyzed her, her limbs suddenly feeling so heavy that she could barely hold Tabitha.

He closed the door behind him, and it felt like he was extracting all oxygen from the room. Even before he said a word, tears were stinging in her eyes, the lump in her throat so big she could barely breathe. 

He knelt down in front of her, his sweet scent making her retch. Immediately the first tears rolled down her cheeks. Oh, as long as he didn't hurt her little girl...

"Haven't I been good to you? Haven't I given you everything you asked for?" His voice was soft, but the cold glance in his eyes showed her how he really felt. Whatever she would say – there was no way to soft his heart. Not anymore. 

"You have," she whispered nevertheless, her eyes aimed at the ground. "But I... I just wanted to go back to my old life. To my friends. To J-" She swallowed the rest of his name, knowing she would detonate a bomb otherwise. 

"To Juan Carlos?" His voice sounded menacing, like the prelude to an infernal thunderstorm. Grabbing her chin, he lifted her face. "You are never going back to that Juan Carlos of yours. You're mine, you hear me? Everything went so well between us, was that all an act? All this time, you were just looking for a way to abandon me?  _Again_?"

Dana said nothing. She was feeling ice and ice cold. 

"I tried to be a good partner for you. I have been very tolerant, but clearly that wasn't enough for you. It's  _never_ enough for you. I assume you do need someone dominating you, enforcing obedience. Is that what you want from me? You want to be punished?"

Dana's lower lip started to tremble. "N-no... I don't want a punishment. I'm sorry - I was confused, I..."

"Enough!" he barked. "I'm sick of your lies. Do you love me, Dana?"

Dana clenched her jaws. "You know who I love."

His dark glance held hers. "Yes, I do. And I'm going to make sure that he will hate you. And you will hate him. Your love is a joke, a shred of what I could have given to you."

Stretching out his hand, he caressed Tabitha's head. Dana tried to pull the girl away from him, hissing that he should stay the fuck away from her. Before she could do anything, he gripped the little skull, his long fingers covering her head easily. 

"Don't touch her!" Dana yelled. 

His grasp only tightened and Tabitha started to cry when he squeezed his fingers.

Dana screamed, kicked, slammed with her fists – but he punched her in the face and tore the baby from her arms. 

"It's time for the little Tabitha to go to her daddy." A maniacal fire was burning in his dark eyes. "In a trash bag."

With all his strength, he squeezed his fingers. Dana jumped up and launched herself on him, screaming, hitting him wherever she could. Roughly he hurled her to the side. Right through her own cries and that of her baby's, she heard a snap. 

Wildly, she looked up, looking through the blonde strands of hair hanging in front of her face. The cries were dying away. The head of her little girl was deformed, pressed together like she was made of clay. 

"NOOO!" Dana screamed. "No no no!!"

With a thud, the small body dropped on the ground, right in front of her. Motionless. Dead.

Dana didn't notice anything anymore. Weeping, she lifted her girl and pressed her to her chest. She could only sob, rocking her in her arms as if that could make her heart beat again. 

But that would never happen again. 

No matter how loud she screamed, how hard she cried. Nothing could ever make her daughter to open her eyes again. She would never grow up, she would never be part of the family Juice and she had both longed for. A family that would never exist.


	24. Kip

Kip stared at the lifeless body, at the mutilated head.

He felt cramped, inside and out. He couldn't utter a word, couldn't move a muscle... All he could do was stare. To that innocent little girl, that single piece of joy on this godforsaken island. And...

Kip jumped up as the door opened. The shreds of his nightmare slowly faded away, although that didn't change the cramping feeling in his chest.  _It was just a nightmare. Tabitha and Dana are fine. All this is my fault, I caused this. I'm the one that will be punished._ Taking a deep breath, he let the oxygen flow inside. His whole body was shaking, his sight hampered by tears called up by that lifelike dream. Who had entered the room, he couldn't see. 

Although it could be only one person.

He had came in earlier, a few hours ago. Had given him a choice: Maddox would tear his eyes out or he would crush Tabitha's skull. There had been no second thoughts. Of course he would protect the little one, at all costs. Besides, he already knew he wouldn't get out here alive. What did it matter if the man took his eyes? 

"Go comfort her," a grim voice sounded. 

Dazed, Kip looked up. "W-what?"

A hand grabbed him by the collar and dragged him on his feet. Maddox's pitch black eyes drilled into his. "I can't lose her. If she kills herself, I'm not responsible for the consequences. You are. I will let her brother get raped by every guy around, I will let her former lover drown in the blood of his new whore and I will burn your own ratting bitch alive."

Every threat stabbed him like a knife in the heart as images of Happy, Juice and Cherry flashed by. Kip looked away. His fighting spirit was broken,  _he_ was broken. He had failed, he had made Dana's life ten times worse.

"Why... why would she want to kill herself?" he muttered. "Tabitha... did you..."

"Yeah, that little parasite is gone."

"But you said... you said I had to choose... between myself and her..." With wide, defeated eyes he stared at the other, his brain being unable to process his words. The kid couldn't be dead... that wasn't what they had agreed. 

Maddox snorted disdainfully. "You tried to take her away from me. You really think I'll ever do you a favor? The last thing I want, is meeting your requests."

Kip bent his head. If he had told Maddox to kill the baby, keeping his eyes intact, would the opposite have happened? Would Tabitha have been alive? Was this another way that Dana could blame him for her loss? 

A hard push against his shoulder forced him towards the door. He should lash out at the guy, should try to murder him until his final breathe, but there was no spirit inside him anymore. He was empty, burnt out. And Maddox's threats were raging in his head. Cherry's burnt body... 

In silence, Kip dragged himself through the hallway, until he ended up at the room where Maddox had held him captive for months. There she was sitting on her knees, the child rocking in her arms. The movements of her lips told him that she was sobbing, that she was screaming, but it felt like he had gone deaf. He couldn't hear a single thing – and as it seemed she neither heard him. 

For minutes he was standing in the doorway, his heart crumbled as he watched how the woman he had fallen in love with, was going through the deepest pain a human being could experience. Guilt was burying him, he didn't dare to move.

He had sworn to protect her daughter, that he would take them away from here. He hadn't. If he hadn't been as steadfast to play the hero, Tabitha would have laid in her crib right now; Dana standing next to her with a sweet smile on her face as her finger caressed the soft cheek while she told her daughter about her father and how badly he wanted to see her.

* * *

Kip had no idea how long he was staring forward. At some point, Dana felt his presence and looked up. The moment she looked him in the eye, his knees started to feel weak. His lips trembled, and even before he could try to man up, he was crying like a baby. She looked so lost, so heartbroken. Without knowing whether she wanted him close or not, he walked towards her, kneeling down beside her. He ran his hand across his chin, across his mouth, but the sight of the mutilated little girl was so gruesome that his fingers cramped up against his lips. 

Bent over, he leaned against her, feeling her shaking shoulder against his. Sobbing, he caressed the cold, stiff hand of the little girl with his thumb. 

"We did this, Kip," she cried. "We did this. All because I was so selfish. All because I wanted to go back to Juice."

Her self-recrimination torn his heart. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. Sobbing she leaned against him, her baby in her arms. He didn't know what to say, not a single word slipped his lips. Instead, he held her as tight as he could, just as desperately as she was holding her daughter, like an inconsolable, devastated family. His heart was bleeding as the tears kept running down his cheeks. How could she ever overcome this? 

And again the images flashed by. Of Happy. Of Juice. Of Cherry.


	25. Juice

Juice had no idea how he had gone through the past couple of days. His eyes were stinging because he hadn't slept since Dana's voicemail message. His body felt heavy – really heavy. Still the redeeming darkness didn't show itself while the fear was wrapping itself tighter and tighter around him. 

Her attempt to escape had failed, that was the only possible explanation for them not hearing from her again. The first day after the call he had hoped that her phone had been dead, but in the meantime she should have reached the mainland and there were phones everywhere.

No, they had failed to take out all the guards. And the thoughts about what Maddox would do to her in his rage, paralyzed him, showing him horrible images all day long, leaving him unable to do anything. 

From the dark corner of the bar where he was drinking his scotch, he felt that someone was watching him. As he turned his face to the side, he saw Lotte, cowered in the shadows, just like him. When their eyes met, she dropped hers immediately. 

Juice suppressed a sigh. He still had to apologize to her – after the other night he hadn't talked to her again. He didn't even know what was holding him back. Shame? Because of how he had treated her, or because Dana knew about it? Whatever it might be, he still owed her an apology; the past month she had been really good to him. He glided off the bar stool, the wobbly steps he was taking told him that the alcohol and his tiredness weren't the perfect combination. Or maybe they were. Maybe he would finally pass out.

"Hey," he said a little awkwardly as he had approached her. 

She looked up briefly, then she turned her face away. Apparently he had hurt her deeply. But she knew what Dana meant to him, right? She shouldn't be  _that_ surprised that he had flown off? 

"Can we talk?" He looked around, talking to her while having the feeling that someone was reporting all his movements to Maddox, made him feel uncomfortable. 

"Isn't that what we're doing right now?"

 When he didn't answer, she stood up sighing, muttered something he didn't understand and headed outside where no others were around. There she sat down on the picknick table. He hoisted himself on the wood next to her. For a moment his eyes flashed to her hand and he felt the urge to grab it, but he shook off the feeling. 

"I'm sorry."

"About what exactly?" she answered embittered. "You took quite some time to think about it."

"For calling you a whore," he muttered ashamed. "You're not."

"I was, in your eyes. You just continued when I told you that you were hurting me. I was just a body for you, a way to get rid off your frustration."

Juice bent his head. "That wasn't how it started. I don't know what happened. I liked stroking your body but suddenly I just lost control. I'm sorry, Lotte. I really am." Skittishly, he looked at her. Her hurt face didn't leave him indifferent. The emotions were still so high that a lump appeared in his throat. "I miss you," he admitted quietly. 

Even though it called up mixed feelings, he wished that she would wrap her soft arms around him, that he could hide his face in her blonde hair. 

"You miss her."

"I do." There were no doubt about that. It had been Dana who had been stuck in his head the past days, and not Lotte. "A human being can miss more than one person."

Lotte stared at her knees. She looked so hurt and sad and he knew it was his fault. 

"I deleted the voicemail message."

It was nothing but a whisper, but it felt like the earth was erupting and he grabbed the edge of the picknick table. "W-what? Why would you do such a thing?"

She avoided his glance. "Because I have fallen in love with you. I don't know what I was thinking, I did it before I realized it. Maybe I was afraid that your feelings for her would flame up again, or maybe I just wanted to spare you the heartache when things would go wrong. Which they did. If Kozik hadn't barged into your room, then you wouldn't have been so upset now. You were getting better."

Juice clenched his fists and relaxed his fingers again to keep himself from punching her in the face. Various emotions raged through him; an immense relief because Dana didn't hate him, anger because Lotte had the raw nerve to touch his phone, surprise because she dared to confess this to him... It was this last astonishment that made him stare forward. 

"What did she say?" he asked in a raspy voice. 

"She snapped the moment she said 'hey'." Lotte heaved a sigh. "She said that she misses you terribly, and that not an hour passes without thinking about you and that she loves you a lot." She wiped her eyes. Juice noticed his own eyes had become wet too. "You have a little girl. And she said that you were the one helping her to pull through and that she can't wait until you hold her in your arms again."

The moment he heard about his daughter, he started to cry. Lotte's hand glided soothingly across his back, although he didn't know if he hated her right now or not. 

"I'm so sorry. I feel so ashamed. It's tearing me apart for days, even when I was angry because you had pushed me away. I was a jealous bitch – no, much worse."

She could have kept the truth to herself. She could have kept him in the dark, hoping that his feelings for her would grow. Instead of doing so, she had taken this risk, telling him what she had done. Taking into account his current temper, it took a lot of courage and despite his anger he appreciated her honesty. 

"I tried to be a good friend for you, but I can no longer deny my own feelings. I get it if you don't want to see me anymore," she muttered. 

He swallowed, wiping a few tears from his cheeks. "I meant what I said. I miss you."

She looked up to him. For a moment his breathing faltered as their eyes locked. Even now, after what she had done, after what  _he_ had done, he was drawn to her lips. Proof of how fucked up he was. There was not one emotion he could control these days, and the longing for solace was stronger than everything else. 

"Juice!" a voice called from the doorway. 

A little relieved, Juice tore away his glance and turned around. It was Chucky, who was holding a packet in his hands with the seize of a shoe box. "I've found this in the office. Think I forgot I put it there earlier today."

Juice raised an eyebrow. What should he do with it? 

"Your name is on it," the man stated. "Juan Carlos Ortiz. That's you, right?"

His stomach cramped. Nobody called him that way. His muscles tensed, he couldn't get up. What was in it? A body part of Dana?

"Take it easy..." Lotte took his hand. "It can be anything."

Juice didn't even feel her touch, he felt nothing but a horrific fear.

 


	26. Lotte

Lotte's heart leaped in her chest. His hand felt clammy in hers, but it was hard to tell who was to blame for that. Actually she wanted to drag him out of the clubhouse. Whatever would be in that box – it would break him. And he had already gone through a lot. Every time she looked into these defeated eyes, another piece of her heart crumbled. Oh, how she wished she could help him.  _Really_ help him. 

"Maybe you shouldn't play along," she suggested softly. "And throw it into the trash." The suggestion made her cramp inside – if Maddox heard her words, she would pay heavily for it. But she couldn't stand it any longer, she knew the man would destroy him – even more than he had already done.

"I can't," he muttered. "What if her head is in it? I can't dump it in the trash, right? Maybe one of the guards killed her, out of self-defense."

Tears filled her eyes. She didn't add another word and laid a hand on his back as he took the box from Chucky and carried it inside. As he put it on the table, she bit her lip. His hands were shaking as he cut the tape with a knife. 

"You want me to look first?"

It was a pointless question – there was no way around this. But she just didn't know what to do anymore, she felt so powerless. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, to protect him from more grief. It however weren't her arms he needed, that he wanted.

He didn't answer while his hands moved across the box. With brute force he opened it. Lotte didn't look at the contents, instead she monitored his face. His eyes widened, his lips trembling. 

A paralyzing feeling spread through Lotte's body. Then he started to scream – to squeal. It sounded bestial, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, and his cries chilled her to the bone. His legs collapsed, he dropped on the ground and kept sitting on his knees, his shoulders shaking, screaming like the devil had gotten into him. Running footsteps sounded, some of his brothers knelt beside him, shouting what was going on.

Lotte's eyes were drawn to the box which was spreading a sickening smell. Between the cardboard flaps she saw skin, a small torso. Little legs. "Oh God," she whispered. 

Immediately she put a hand over her mouth, but it didn't stop her from vomiting. Her stomach contents splattered on the ground. Her ears were ringing – and right through the noise she heard his sobs, the desperate cries.

Through the blur of tears she noticed how Kozik had knelt beside him. His voice sounded deceptively calm, but Lotte knew that none of his words would dawn on him. She crouched down next to him, wrapped her arms around Juice and rocked him softly, like he was an inconsolable child. 

A child... Her eyes shot back to the box. His child was in it. Dead.

Again bile gathered in her throat. Squeezing her eyes, she pressed her face against his shoulder as she was crying too. Even after everything Maddox had done, she couldn't believe that he was capable of such cruelty. Taking an innocent life, to punish Juice for... for what? For the love for a woman who he had already lost.

* * *

Two hours passed, and Juice didn't say a single word. Kozik called the police and surrendered the little corpse to them. Juice didn't even notice, he had completely gone away inside. He was just a shell filled with grief. In shock he stared forward, not being able to respond to anything.

"Will you stay with him tonight?" Kozik asked. His voice sounded hoarse, although she hadn't seen him cry.

Lotte nodded quietly and followed the men outside. Kozik and Bobby were supporting Juice, who couldn't even lift his feet anymore. She sat down on the backseat while Kozik sat down behind the wheel and drove to Juice's apartment. Never did she think that  _this_ would be the way to get inside.

When she asked Juice for his keys, he didn't answer. After Kozik helped him out of the car, Lotte quickly searched his pockets until she had found the keys. The door was cracking as she swung it open. Lotte felt cold as she entered the dark house. Juice and Kozik stumbled inside, just a few steps behind her. Now and then she heard how Kozik tried to get through to his friend, but he wasn't responsive. All he did, was staring forward, moving slowly and choppy – like a machine. Like someone whose emotions had died. 

As soon as Kozik had laid him on the bed, Juice rolled on his side. Lotte sat down next to him to take off his shoes and Kozik was getting a glass of water and a few pills. 

"He'll pass out with this." Kozik looked at her, hesitating. 

"And then?"

"I have no idea." The man rubbed his eyes, his shoulders slumped down in defeat. "I really don't know what to do. How the hell he should ever recover from this."

Lotte bent her head. There was only one person who could help him right now – the one who knew exactly how he was feeling. This shared grief connected their souls even more than before, strengthening their bond – and their pain.

Kozik put a hand on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "Thank you for looking after him tonight. I'll be back tomorrow morning."

Lotte nodded blankly. She looked at Juice; the pills Kozik had forced him to take were effective. He had fallen asleep – or maybe he was unconscious, she didn't know.

Only when the front door closed, she dared to bent over Juice and kiss his lips very lightly. "I'm sorry baby. You deserve so much better."

After those words she went to the hallway, grabbed her phone and scrolled down until she had found the right contact. Sitting down on the stairs, she waited until he took the call without saying anything.

"I'm in his apartment."

"Good." His voice sounded cold, causing a stab in her stomach. "You know what to do."

"I do," she whispered with shaking lips. 

If she wouldn't do it, she would be the next one receiving a box with a dead family member.


	27. Dana

**. . .**

**TWO MONTHS LATER**

****. . .** **

Her eyes were glued to the synchronously moving bodies, merging into each other in one rhythm. She couldn't see his face; he was lying on top and kissing the girl, his fingers tangled in her hair, the muscles of his back and bottom tensing as he thrust inside her. Their moaning came from everywhere around her; even when she pressed her hands to her ears she couldn't escape the sounds.

Dana didn't want to look at them. She however couldn't look away either.

It had been that way for days – or even weeks. A few hours a day Maddox locked her inside this room, plaguing her with videos of Juice. 

The current one wasn't the worst – not by a long shot. With tears in her eyes Maddox had forced her to watch how Juice had been lying on the ground, too drunk to get up. She had seen his violent outbursts, his sudden cries. Twice she had even seen him overdose. Crying and screaming she had been sitting on the ground, her hands clawing through her hair, praying that someone would find him. And thank god, someone had found him. Both times the blonde girl had found him and called the ambulance. 

Without her, Juice would have been dead. 

Dana had learned to love that unknown girl, she had wished that Juice and she could build something beautiful, for he needed her. He needed the loving arms of a woman, the soothing whispers when he was having a panic attack. 

Two weeks ago Dana had seen them kiss for the first time. 

Today – or actually she was watching the video of last night – they had slept together for the first time. 

But no matter how badly she wanted him to be happy – seeing the two together still hurt.  _She_ wanted to lie underneath him, to feel his fingers glide across her skin, his lips on hers, he buried deep inside her. She wanted to look into his eyes as they made love, hearing his excited breathing, seeing that happy smile. She missed him so much that she almost seemed to burst out of her skin and there was nothing she could do about it. In fact, it only went worse, thanks to all the hours Maddox was locking her up. 

And still this was no torture. 

It distracted her from that deep, dull pain. That hole in her soul, her love for the little child that was no longer there. 

_Tabitha._

Her little miracle. Her little girl. Forever a dagger in her heart – and in Juice's.

The door opened. Dana didn't even look over her shoulder. Since he had killed her daughter, all appearances were gone. Just like in the days before she had met Juice, he was raping and beating her up whenever he felt the need to. She never resisted – not anymore. There was no point in it, there was nowhere to go and he could still hurt Kip if she was disobedient. 

"See? Your love doesn't mean anything. He already replaced you."

From the corner of her eye she saw that he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed. 

"He's trying to fill the void. It's almost a year since you took me away from him."

"If he had loved you, he would have stayed loyal. Like I did, when you were gone."

Dana turned towards him. "Is this supposed to break me? Watching him fuck another girl?" She let out a cynical laugh. "Actually it's giving me peace, knowing that he's reasserting control over his life . You will never let me go anyway. Did you think that I wanted him to be alone for the rest of his life? I love him – I want him to be happy. Even without me."

His jaws tensed, his eyes glowing as those of a predator. 

Dana didn't care. Provocatively, she looked back to the video that was repeating itself again.

"He doesn't love you, Dana! Can't you see it!" he snapped. "He doesn't deserve your love!"

"Oh and you do?" she answered fiercely. "You killed my  _baby._ You rape me, you beat me. Where's the love in  _that_?!"

"You think I enjoy that? I wish things were different too, but you're forcing me to treat you like that , just because you can't get that unfaithful prick out of your head. He replaced you, Dana. He's fucking another bitch and you can't convince me that you don't care."

Of course she cared – but she wasn't mad at Juice. How could she? She had done the same with Kip, she had also longed for a little bit of love and she would never blame Juice for doing the same.

"I do care," she answered, straightening her shoulders. "It does me good to see someone cares about him."

"You think that bitch cares about him?" Maddox scorned, taking a step towards her. "Where do you think those cameras are coming from? That whore works for me. She doesn't give a shit about him and the moment he thinks he's enjoying life again, she'll kick him back in that deep dark hole. You're mine, Dana." His dark eyes rested upon her, making her stomach cringe. "And he's mine too. She will slid his throat with a snap of my fingers. She doesn't care about him, she thinks he's just a pathetic mess of a man. And he'll know." His lips crept into a sickening smirk. "As soon as that heart of his is healed again, she'll smash it ruthlessly to pieces." Holding out his hand, he placed his cold fingers against her cheek. "And this time, there will be nobody to take him to the hospital when he overdoses. He'll die there on the floor, all alone, wallowing in his own misery." His fingernails cut into her flesh. "And you will watch. You will watch while the last shred of life slips away from him."


	28. Lotte

Like every time he wasn't at the clubhouse and neither at his apartment, panic squeezed her throat. Two times she had called an ambulance for him after an OD, and they had been just in time to pump his stomach. What if he realized that she was the only reason that he was still alive? Had he gone to the hills, convinced no one would find him there? A few weeks had passed since his last attempt, but now they had slept together yesterday, she was terrified that the guilt would plague him again.

She hadn't even wanted to have sex with him. Not in that house, not with the knowledge that Maddox would make Dana watch. Maddox however didn't care about what  _she_ wanted. If she didn't do as he said, her little sister would suffer. In the beginning she had tried to ignore his instructions, but she had changed her mind after a video in which her sister was raped by two men at the same time. She had lost her battle. She wasn't as strong as Dana. That girl had made the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to escape from her tormentor and even that hadn't been enough. Lotte knew that Maddox was holding the same power over her. Being obedient was all she could do. 

And so she had kissed Juice, two weeks ago. 

And yesterday she had whispered sweet words in his ear, encouraging him to undress her. He had been more careful than during their first time, but he had still been focused on his own pleasure, not noticing how uncomfortable she felt. She didn't blame him; she had been the one who had wanted to take their relationship to the next level. If it was worth the term 'relationship' at all... Juice wasn't ready for a new relationship, and if Dana would ever return he would dump Lotte without thinking. They both knew that, and they had both peace with the fact that she was just a replacement. But a replacement he needed; someone who looked after him, who loved him. Who worried about him – like she was doing now. Not only because her sister's throat would be slid when Juice died without it being recorded on camera; also because she loved him. Because she didn't want to lose him, even though it was inevitable that that day would come. The strong feelings he called up inside her, worried her. She knew she wouldn't be able to kill him when Maddox would give her that order. Not even when she had to choose between her sister and him. Of course she should choose her sister, but making that call was very different from murdering someone herself. Even when that person had tried to take his own life more than once.

Lotte left the car in the parking lot. It had been her first instinct to go look for him in this remote place. She walked under the stone arch and followed the path along the rows of graves.

Graveyards had always given her a creepy feeling, but since her sister was abducted she saw her name carved in every headstone.

Gravel grind underneath her feet as she turned left. Relief washed over her the moment she saw him; leaning against the tombstone of the little white grave. Her eyes were stinging; the sight of a lost father at the grave of his deceased child smashed her heart to pieces. 

 _In loving memory, our dear daughter TABITHA ORTIZ_ , she read on the marble. 

Swallowing with difficulty, she sat down next to Juice. With red eyes he stared forward. Around him laid the remnants of a bouquet of lilies which he must have torn apart in a moment of rage. He didn't respond on her presence, only when she took his hand, he pulled it away without looking at her. The smell of alcohol and pot was surrounding him. She didn't know how much he had drank this time, but she had learned to leave every initiative to him at moments like these.  
  
"Sometimes I hate her," he said after a long while, staring at the sky. "Sometimes I hate her so much I believe she deserves all this misery." 

His voice sounded hoarse, as if he had been screaming for hours.  
  
"She should have protected our girl. At any cost. But that makes me a hypocrite, huh? I couldn't protect them either. Not even one of them. But she should have left me to die in that church. Then our baby would have been safe."

"Then he would have tracked her down anyway," Lotte said softly. 

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" he yelled. 

Lotte cringed as his saliva spat against her cheek. She bowed her head but didn't leave. "She didn't know she was pregnant, Juice. At that moment she loved you more than anything in the world."

"And still I hate her," he answered, clenching his fists. "And I hate myself for hating her. Because I wish she would die, so all of this was finally over. And I hate you too because you're a fucking whore who should stop tryin' to save me."

Lotte knew it was the alcohol speaking to her, just like it was the alcohol who sometimes encouraged him to get violent, to beat her. 

She never resisted. For she knew she deserved it – every beat up, every curse. She was the one keeping his wounds fresh, the one who was deepening those of his lover. 

As more curses rolled over his lips she just listened in silence, until he was exhausted; leaning against her and crying again. 

In silence she wrapped her arms around him while he mumbled apologies.

"It's okay baby." She pressed a kiss to his forehead.  _You have every right to treat me like shit._

 


	29. Maddox

If he could turn back time, he would. But he couldn't. He had to live with what he had done – something that was so gruesome that it had taken a few weeks before he had  _really_ realized what he had done. He didn't know where that realization had come from. Suddenly he had been disgusted with himself, with what he had done to Dana – with what he was still doing to her.

A few days he had distanced himself from her to make peace with himself. He hadn't locked her up in the video room anymore, he had just avoided her, sitting for hours at the beach, staring at the waves, thinking about a way to make things right. He wanted to see her smile again. He wanted her to love him again. That was the only thing he had wanted since he had taken her to this island. She however had never given him a  _real_ second chance – the biker had always been on her mind. And now he understood why: she had carried his child. Breaking the last tie between them had felt natural; so logical that he had reacted instinctively by crushing that skull. 

 _I had no choice,_  he told himself. She would have kept trying to return to the father, an obligation she must have felt towards her child. The only solution had been removing the child from her life.

But it hurt her so much. He saw it every day; in her staring eyes, her slumped shoulders, the grim expression on her face. She had grown cold; sometimes he had the feeling that he was fucking a corpse when she was underneath him. The baby had lighted up her world – maybe a new one would do that too. He however couldn't give her a child himself, he needed the help from someone else.

Maddox didn't know how to put his proposal into words. She never talked to him lately; shunning him during dinner, when they were watching tv and when they were having sex. Sometimes he wondered if she was even  _able_ to speak, making him listen at the other side of the door when she was with her friend. Then she did talk – softly and inaudible for his ears. But at least it showed him her vocal chords were still working.

In the end he decided to talk about it when they were lying in bed on a random day. She had turned her back towards him, but he felt that she was still awake. More careful than usual he laid his hand on her side. She tensed underneath his touch and he suppressed a sigh. 

"I'm sorry Dana. For what I did."

She didn't answer.

Gently he stroked her side, hoping to attract her attention. "I – I wasn't myself. I don't know what came over me."

Her silence annoyed him. In a moment of frustration he grabbed her arm and turned her around roughly. 

Her eyes stared coldly into his. "What do you want to hear?" she taunted. "You murdered my baby, Maddox. Do you really think your pathetic excuses change anything about that?"

"No," he answered honestly. "But that doesn't mean that we can never be happy together."

She let out a bitter laugh. "God, you really are insane. I won't even try to reason with you anymore."

"I want to start a family with you," he answered stubbornly, ignoring her anger. "I've always wanted that; a child that we can both love."

"Well thank god you're infertile."

There weren't many sentences that were able to make him cringe, but this one was. He had wanted to see his own son or daughter grow up so badly, but that would never happen. "It could happen with help of a donor."

"You wanna ship a sperm bank?" she mocked, turning back her head and looking at him. After a few seconds her eyes widened. "Man, you're really serious huh?"

"I think it will be good for us. New life. Someone we can both love."

"So you can crush another skull?"

"Of course not," he answered peevishly. "Your first child was an unwanted parasite. But we would choose this one together. I will love this child."

"You can't love anyone."

He clenched his fingers to a fist and breathed in sharply, but managed to keep his calmness. "I love you, Dana. Even if it doesn't feel that way, but it's true. Without you I'm nothing."

She snorted.

"After every sexual contact I will love you myself. Then it will feel like it was my sperm that impregnated you."

She shot up in bed. "After every sexual contact?? What the hell are you thinkin'?!"

"I won't mind if you do it with someone you trust. So that you feel comfortable. It will increase the chance that you will get pregnant anyway."

For a moment she stared speechlessly at him. "You – you really are insane."

He gritted his teeth. Why kept she saying things like that? All he was trying to do, was making things as comfortable for her as he could.

"There's only one person here I trust. Are you really suggesting that I should sleep with  _Kip?!_ "

"You can pick one of the guards too," he shrugged. "But I thought you'd prefer Kip."

Her face turned pale, for a moment he thought she would throw up. "You hated Tabitha because she was Juice's, but you do want a child that's Kip's?!"

"This will be our child," he answered calmly. "Kip is just a sperm donor. I don't like the thought of you sleeping with someone else, Dana. But I want this family, the three of us."

And the thought that Dana and Kip had no romantic feelings for each other, helped a lot. Kip would find it horrible to impregnate Dana and he would feel guilty towards his friend. Guilt was good, it would keep him from enjoying the deed. This was a business transaction, nothing more and nothing less.

"I'm not going to do this, Maddox," she answered with a fierceness turning him on. "You're insane. So fucking insane."

Maddox however knew perfectly well how to get things done from her. "Then there's no use in keeping him alive any longer."


	30. Dana

Dana knew she had no choice.

She tried to look at the bright side: she could spend more time with Kip. Maddox allowed him to touch her, to make love to each other – a longing that had grown stronger and stronger the past months. Of course they had to create the impression that they hated to have sex with each other, but she knew Maddox found it hard to share her and it would hurt him too much to watch them. Knowing him, he would tell himself that there was no intimacy between them, like he had created all those other lies he truly believed in. 

Quietly, she closed the door behind her. She had no idea how to tell Kip about Maddox's wish. His feelings of guilt where darkening his world – since Tabitha had died, he seemed to have even suffered worse than she. He blamed himself, he blamed himself for every horrible act taking place in this house. He still believed that he should be some invincible hero, a true Son. That there was no Son who had ever been able to stand up against Maddox, didn't seem to land.

Kip glanced briefly at her as she entered the room, then he bent his head again. His defeat reminded her of Juice. Seeing men who had once been so strong, so shattered now caused a lump in her throat. She sat down next to him, taking his hand in hers. His fingers felt heavy, lifeless. 

"Maddox wants me to get pregnant again. He – he wants to be a family."

Kip sighed, staring at the chain around his ankle. "Well that's not a surprise. He wants to claim you in every possible way."

"He can't have children himself, Kip. He wants... us to..." She closed her eyes.

His fingers tensed underneath hers. "What... what do you mean?" His voice was just a weak whisper, matching his emaciated body. 

"He wants you – or one of the guards – to be his sperm donor, after which he will pretend that he was the one impregnating me."

Kip was silent for a long time. He didn't curse, he didn't even made a comment about how crazy Maddox was. They already knew that – nothing should surprise them anymore.

Skittishly, Dana looked to the side. "Will you do it?" she asked quietly. "I get it if you don't want to."

"What if I don't want it?" His voice sounded embittered. "Will he let the guards rape you?"

"I guess," she muttered. "And he also made very clear that you will no longer be of use to him."

He gritted his teeth. Dana knew dying would be a relief for him, but at the same time he hated that thought. For a Son, suicide was one of the most dishonorable things in the world.

"This is so fucked up," he said in a graveled voice, desperately raking his fingers through his hair. "Where do all those insane ideas come from?"

Dana had no answer. A little awkwardly she shifted her foot across the floor. She felt stupid for thinking this would be easy, for thinking they could enjoy this intimacy. Kip didn't want her – and with good reason. She had dragged him into this misery, she was the one who had once been in love with this psycho.

"I never expected him to allow you to sleep with someone else. And especially not with me."

She shrugged her shoulders. "He wants me to feel comfortable, he believes that will increase the chance that I will get pregnant." She stared at the ground. "And he knows that you don't want to touch me. That the idea to have sex with me disgusts you."

Kip didn't disagree, and unexpectedly that knowledge stung. In fact, he wasn't saying anything at all, he just stared forward, defeated. 

"What happens when you get pregnant?" he asked quietly after a long time. "If we will have a baby? What will he do with it, if he loses his temper again? What will he do with me, once the baby is born? He will never tolerate me, he will kill me."

"He will also kill you if we don't do this," she muttered.

"Maybe that's for the best."

Dana looked up to him, but he avoided her glance. He was messed up, he knew they would never leave this place. If it was up to him, all this would end today – and keeping him alive just to decrease her loneliness was selfish beyond words. "Okay. I get it. Then uh, then I'll ask him to send one of the guards."  
  
She wanted to stand up, but he squeezed her hand and looked at her. Tears were shining in his eyes. "No..."

"It's okay," she assured him with a calmness surprising herself. "It won't mean anything. It won't be that different from all the times Maddox was raping me. I never should have burdened you with this."

Again she tried to get on her feet, but he was still holding her hand tightly. "Do you want it to be my child?"

"I do," she said honestly. "You are the only father he or she can be proud of." She took a deep breath and pulled through: "I want to tell him or her that I loved the father, that it wasn't a cold transaction, no forced deed. Which it is, of course – but it's more. I  _want_ you to touch me, Kip. I want you to kiss me, to feel your hands all over my body, I want you to love me. Somehow I hoped that you wanted that too – that we would be able to forget about all the horror we're in, that the world outside the bedroom just disappears for an hour. It's an illusion – I know that, and the idea of touching me is probably disgusting you but..."

"I'm in love with you, Dana," he blurted out. 

"W-what?" she asked a little overwhelmed.

"Touching you would never disgust me, whatever others do to you. That changes nothing about the wonderful person you are. Somewhere during the past months I have fallen in love with you and I would want to love you if nobody forced us to do so, if I wasn't betraying my brother..."

"Juice is with someone else too," she said softly, hoping it would decrease the guilt he was feeling. She hadn't told him before, she hadn't said a word about the room in which Maddox had locked her up. "They're together for a few weeks now. Maddox made me watch them while they were having sex." She dropped her eyes. "It's okay. I'm glad he's moving on. I'm gone for a year now and I don't think I'll ever see him again." Even the knowledge that his new girlfriend worked for Maddox, didn't alter her feelings. She had seen the panic on the girl's face when she found Juice lifelessly on the ground. Maddox could tell her whatever he wanted, but Dana knew the girl  _did_ care about Juice and there was no doubt in her heart that Maddox was pressuring her, was threatening her like he had done with Cherry.

She searched for Kip's eyes, which were expressing confusion now. "I want to move on too. I want you, Kip. For as long as it may last. It wasn't any different with Juice – I knew it would end like this and still I enjoyed every moment with him. Those are the best memories of my life, they made my life worth living. You are my only light in this place, and I'm your only light. Can't we shine together? Create something beautiful, even if we have to stay in the shadows?" She straddled on his lap. The whirl of emotions he must be feeling, almost overflowed his eyes. She laid a hand on his neck and kissed him, putting the last warm feelings she had into it. "There's only a little bit of love left inside me and I want to give it to you, Kip," she whispered. "Before that dies too."

For a moment she held her breath, afraid he would still push her away. Then he raised his head a little and kissed her back – carefully and tender. 

It was a brief kiss; their tongues had just met when he pulled back his face and looked at her. "I want you too," he said softly. "For as long as it lasts."

The first shaky smile since Tabitha's passing reached her lips. It was reflected on Kip's lips too and for a moment – for a very brief moment, the subsequent kiss wiped away all the horrible memories and fears.


	31. Juice

With clouded eyes Juice stared at the girl on his waist. He couldn't even focus on her face – and he barely felt her either. Her moaning and the way her hips moved showed him that she did enjoy it, but he felt numb and considered it as a miracle that she had managed to get him hard at all. 

"You want on top baby?" she asked as she seemed to realize that she wasn't giving him the pleasure she should. With a grunt he rolled over, thrusting deep inside her. There was no affection; his lips didn't explore her neck, he didn't look into her eyes – it felt like routine, even though it was for the first time in over two years that he had sex with a girl that meant shit to him. He focused at the deed itself; at her walls closing around his dick, increasing the friction until he felt nothing but his orgasm for a few seconds.

Without saying anything, he rolled off her and started to clothe himself. It was 2 AM. His phone showed him three missed calls from Lotte, but he didn't call her back. Stumbling he left the room, needing the support of the wall to keep him from falling. His surroundings were spinning around him, but somehow he liked that sensation. 

The clubhouse was empty. Nobody stopped him when he mounted his bike a few moments later. He knew he was too drunk to ride, but why would he care? He had no problem crashing into a tree. Plus it was just a short ride – he would make it. 

* * *

When he came home, Lotte launched herself at him immediately, swinging her arms around his neck. "I was so worried!"

As she started to sob, he pushed her away annoyed, not in the mood for her drama.

"I've called you a dozen times! Why didn't you pick up?"

"I was busy."

"At midnight? With what?!"

"Fucking a whore."

"W-what?" Her voice sounded fragile. 

He shrugged his shoulders and stumbled towards his bedroom. When her light footsteps followed him, he clenched his fists. 

"Juice... you can't just walk away now! I thought that we – that we had something!" She started to cry again. "You told me you had feelings for me!"

Juice tripped over his feet and his knee crashed against the footboard of his bed. Grunting, he fell down on the mattress. "I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now," he snapped, struggling on the bed to crawl higher.

"You never are! And it's not bullshit! You have been drunk non stop the past days. And now you are cheating on me too and you don't even care?!"

"I was already cheating on someone," he grunted. "With you."

"That's not the same! Dana and you are separated for more than a year, while we had just agreed to start a real relationship." She sat down next to him. "Is that the reason you cheated on me? Because you feel guilty about us? Were you trying to prove yourself that you have no feelings for me?"

Snapping his head to the side, he glared at her. "Go away with that whore face of yours! I was just dying for a good fuck. Stop acting like a fucking shrink. I don't give a shit about you.  _That's_ the reason I banged someone else."

"I don't believe that..."

Before he knew it, he had grabbed a handful of her hair, yanking her head backwards. "What is there not to believe? You think I love you?" Snorting disdainfully, he tore at her hair. "You think I would do this if I'd loved you?"

Her sobs were the only answer he received. 

"Your tears don't bother me. Now get the hell outta here." He pushed her backwards until she fell off the bed, her head hitting the wall. 

He let out a hollow laugh. 

"I know it's the alcohol talking right now," she answered stubbornly, getting on her feet again. "And that you will regret this tomorrow. You need help, Juice. You can't go on like-"

"God you really don't know when to shut up, huh?" he yelled. "Just leave me alone man! Go fuck someone else!" Wobbly, he had left his bed, grabbing Lotte's throat. "Go away. I don't want you anymore. I'm able to fuck others again so I no longer need you."

With tears in her wide eyes she stared at him.

For a moment he saw someone else's eyes – Dana's. 

She had to go – she was only making things worse. 

"If you don't leave now, I'm gonna beat the hell outta you," he said in a dangerously low voice.

"You need me, Juice. You know you need me." She laid a shaky hand against his cheek. "I love you. I'm not going to leave you."

 _I love you. I'm not going to leave you._ How many times had he spoken those words to Dana? 

It were those words that drove him mad, forcing him to grab her shoulder and to lash out at her face until she was lying on the ground like the pathetic mess she was. Without remorse he stepped over her and flopped down on the bed. 

* * *

Carefully Juice moved his swollen fingers. His head was pounding and he had an upset stomach. Smelling puke, he raised himself. There was a pool of vomit next to his bed, and closer behind it were other dark stains – blood. 

"Oh fuck," he grunted as images of last night plagued him. "Oh shit!"

His head was about to explode when he jumped out of the bed and ran towards the living room. The sharps stabs made it hard to think and frantically he looked around, trying to orientate. 

She was lying on the couch. Her face was beaten to a pulp; there was not a single piece of skin on her face that wasn't bruised. Crouching down next to her, he took her hand into his, tears filling his eyes. 

_I'm a monster._

From between her swollen eyelids she looked at him. With difficulty she raised her hand and stroked his cheek, but her touch called up so much guilt that he felt sick. He turned away and threw up. Wiping his lips with his arm, he sat down on the ground, pulling up his knees and bending his head. Softly he started to cry. 

"You should go, Lotte," he muttered. "Please, just go. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I'm doing."

As she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him, he squeezed his eyes. "I can't leave you. It's true; I love you."

Juice breathed in sharply. He didn't deserve her love. "Have you looked into the mirror? What if I break something next time? What if – what if I kill you?"

"You won't. I know you care about me. You know that too – even when you're drunk."

Juice had his doubts. Tonight he had felt nothing but a deep hatred. Most of the day he felt only hatred – towards everyone, towards everything.

"I don't want this anymore Lotte. I don't want to wake up every morning like this. This wasn't the first time and I won't be the last time if you stay here." He looked up to her. Seeing the bruises again, squeezed his throat. How could he have done such a thing? Why had he done it? There was nothing but chaos in his head. "If you really love me, like you say you do, you'll leave. You know it's better for the both of us."

"I can't leave," she whispered. "I can't leave, Juice." Her voice sounded desperate. "I just can't."

Juice stood up, grimness was now obscuring his self-reproach. "This is my home. You have no choice. I don't want you around any longer, end of story."

He turned around and headed for his bedroom. After slamming the door, he sat down on the edge of his bed, staring at the floor. This time there were no tears. Now he just felt empty, deprived of every emotion.


	32. Kozik

With wide eyes Kozik stared at Lotte's bruised and swollen face. 

"He did this to you?" he asked before she could even greet him. He however already knew the answer – he couldn't think of another reason as to why she would show up at his door at a Sunday morning. 

"He was drunk," she told him. Her lips were swollen and split twice, which had to make talking painful. "He cheated on me last night and when I said something about it, he beat me up. This morning he felt regret – but he doesn't want me around anymore."

"That's at least one wise decision he's still able to make," Kozik grumbled. Again he stared at her injuries. He thought back to the funny guy he had met years ago; who had tried to find his place among the others by awkward jokes. He had always been more innocent than the others, clumsier – younger. He never thought he would turn into someone who would assault his own girlfriend – or whatever she was in his eyes. 

"You have to stay away from him," he stressed. 

The distraught look in her eyes however told him she didn't even consider to stay away. "I can't give up on him, Kozik. I'm too afraid... that he will..." 

Kozik sighed. There was no need to complement that sentence. Juice didn't have much since he had lost Dana. He was distancing himself from his family, from the club... The others tried to be patient with him, but a year had passed now and there was no improvement. They couldn't count on him, he couldn't move past what had happened and the fact that he had tried to kill himself twice should be a reason in itself to vote him out. 

It however was a subject nobody talked about. Everyone was afraid that the kid would really end his life when he lost the club, and at the same time they felt guilty because none of them had been able to do  _anything_ for Dana.

Lotte had kept him from dying after an overdosis two times. He understood her fear, but he knew they couldn't continue things this way. 

"Is he sober now?"

"He just left the bed, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is on the bottle again."

"Stay here." He handed her the key of his house. "I'll make sure he isn't alone, but until he can think straight again, you stay away from him. You got that?"

The girl stared at the ground. "I love him," she whispered.

Laying a finger below her chin, he lifted her face so she would look at him. "The fact that you love someone, is no excuse to be beaten up him. He has lost his mind man, I don't care how fucked up he feels – Sons don't hit women."

 Anger forced its way through his veins as he took in Lotte's battered face one more time. In a flash he saw Dana's face, bleeding and bruised. He gritted his teeth. Couldn't Juice see in what he was changing? Maybe that knowledge would help him to accept help. 

With his thoughts still with Dana, he pulled the girl close and kissed her forehead, then he quickly walked past her while a nasty feeling spread through his stomach. For a brief moment it had felt like Dana was back. He took a few deep breaths to control his emotions before he mounted his bike. 

* * *

Kozik was surprised when the door was actually opened after he rang the bell. He didn't know how to interpret the look in Juice's eyes, it seemed like he was feeling guilt which he tried to sweep underneath the carpet of indifference. 

"Let me in," Kozik growled. 

Juice stepped back, saying nothing. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he strolled to the living room where he leaned against the dinner table. 

"Lotte was at my door."

The name of the girl turned out to be enough to make Juice bend his head. Quietly he stared at the floor. With a sigh Kozik looked at him. Sure, part of him felt sorry for the guy but his distress didn't justify his aggression. 

"You know of who she reminded me? Of Dana."

Wildly, Juice looked up. Something turbulent was churning in his eyes, like the name of his former lover had became a curse inside this house. "Don't speak of her."

"I do speak of her." Suddenly he could no longer hold back his anger. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Juice?! Beating up a girl like that!"

"I know man!" he snapped back. "I regret it."

Kozik rolled his eyes. "Well, it's great that you feel regret. What if you had killed her, you think your regret would have made it any better?"

Juice gritted his teeth. 

"You really don't see it, huh? Your coldness, your anger issues... you turn into the man you hate so much. Imagine Dana coming back now and seeing you like this. What will you be, her new Maddox?"

Instead of answering, the man stepped forward and pushed him against the wall. Kozik grabbed his wrists before he could lash out and brought his face close to his. "You'll become a monster like him if you don't change your behavior."

"I'm nothing like Maddox! I don't force Lotte to stay with me, hell all I want is her being safe and far away from me!"

"Banishing the people who care about you won't help you to get a hold of yourself again. You are the one who needs to change his way of living. Get help, Juice. Make an appointment with a therapist, go to rehab. Take this from an ex-addict: you can't do this alone and we can't help you either."

The man yanked back his arms and stepped back, huffing but without making an attempt to attack him again. "C'mon, you really think there's a therapist able to help me?!'

"Of course there is. Those people are trained to help you. Juice, I get that you're going through hell, but you're really not the only one who needs to deal with a trauma. If they benefit from help, you will too – or you should at least  _try._ Unless you change, you will lose  _everything._ Lotte. The club. Us. And yourself – you will turn into a monster, the same kind that did this to you, to Dana. Get yourself together man. That we barely make progress, doesn't mean that we have given up on her. Hap is on something. Just make sure that you're... you again when we need you. When Dana needs you."

Juice squeezed his eyes. His words were clearly worsening his hangover, but it was time someone spoke the truth to him. For far too long they had looked the other way, their hands bound while they all knew their brother was on a downward spiral.

Juice hoisted himself on the table and stared at the ground for a long time.

"Okay," he said in the end. "I'll try to get myself in rehab."

Kozik had enough experience with addicts to know that direct action was needed. "Go shower. I'll make you breakfast and after that I'll take you to a clinic where I've been at for a while too."

Juice looked skittishly at him. Various emotions flashed in his eyes, but eventually all he did was nod in silence before went to the bathroom. 


	33. Dana

"You want to make an arrangement?" With raised eyebrows Maddox looked at her. His tattooed arms were leaning on the desk, an expensive looking pen nonchalantly between his fore and middle finger. 

Dana sat on the chair at the other side of the desk, her back straight, her head held up high. "Yes. I want it in writing."

It was a bold move, she knew that very well. She wasn't exactly in the position to make demands, to insist on a counterpart but at the moment there was more to gain than to lose. 

 "And what would be in that arrangement?"

"You have to include that Kip will donate his seed voluntarily and that he will renounce paternity, and that you will take care of the child and consider it as your own. The three of us all need to sign it."

Maddox held her glance, calculating. She knew he would agree with these measures and that an official looking document would contribute to the idea that they both wanted this – that they were really going to build a family. But he was no fool; he knew she wasn't doing him a favor just for nothing. 

"And what else?" he asked.

"I want you to let him go once the child is born. I want you to take him back to the mainland, leaving him alone. There is nothing he can tell the others, we've already told the club everything we know about this place and that was nothing."

He studied her face for a while. "You really want this? Losing your only friend? I know he's your shoulder to cry on."

"Isn't that a role you should fulfill, once we start a family together?" She didn't try to flatter him; her tone was cold and matter-of-factly. "I know that  _you_ want to be the father of our child, Maddox. And we both know you will never bear the thought that the sire of your son or daughter will walk freely in our house. So you would want to kill him, and I'm done with losing the people I love. Just do me a favor for once and set him free. And not in a spiritual way – set him literally free. Breathing and healthy. Alive. As a compensation of what he is giving to you – a child. A family. For he obviously doesn't  _want_ to sleep with me."

A few long seconds passed by. 

"Fine," he said eventually. "I agree. I will drop the boy in Charming once the child is born."

* * *

"You really think he will keep his word?" Kip sighed that same night. The three of them had signed the agreement Maddox had made, with the demands Dana had pointed out.

"I do," she said honestly. "Sometimes he makes promises he doesn't fulfill, but that's because these are all word games to him. But signing an agreement... that means something to him. His honor will not allow him to violate it."

Kip stared her in the eye thoughtfully. "Well, I guess only time will tell."

Dana nodded slowly. A little awkwardly they sat next to each other on the edge of the bed. They both knew why they were here, what Maddox was expecting from them. And although Dana had longed for intimacy with him, it felt anything but comfortable now. Their feelings might be mutual, but it was hard to ignore the fact that this had never happened without Maddox's interference. 

His hand glided across hers as he looked up to her. "I would hate to leave without you. And not only without you, also without the kid... without  _my_ kid."

"I know." Her thumb stroked across his. "But we also know that both you and the baby will be in danger when you stay here. I – I can't lose another child. Maddox needs to learn to love the child and I can't see that happen when you are around, when you constantly remind him of the fact that it wasn't  _his_ seed that gave life."

"Yeah... you're probably right."

An awkward silence fell. In the past those silences had never been there, but the situation was so ridiculous that neither of them knew how to deal with it. Maybe they should stop talking – maybe they had to let go of their words and search for the feelings that were there, despite everything.

Dana decided to take the initiative. She straddled on his lap and laid a hand against his cheek to raise his head. She read the doubt in his eyes, the pain because they were forced to do this. 

"I don't know if I can do this Dane," he whispered. "I hate it. I hate this."

"You have to stop thinking that it's Maddox who's forcing us into this," she answered quietly. "You told me you were in love with me and I have feelings for you too. It's not only Maddox who is using us, we are also using  _him_ to be together. He believes that he's breaking us by forcing us to have sex, but we've done it before, Kip. We wanted this before he came up with this crazy plan. We are the ones playing  _him,_ baby. Think about it that way."

She saw that he wanted to raise a protest; that he would never give up his child in other circumstances, but Dana didn't want to hear it – she had to believe this truth, otherwise she would break. Softly she pressed her lips against his, and after a short hesitation he kissed her back.

For a long time they were just kissing. First hesitating, later more determined, more passionate. Tinglings danced across her skin as his hand glided underneath her shirt. His eyes searched for hers, doubting like this was their first time. She showed him a shaky smile, where after their lips reconnected. She closed her eyes while his hands were continuing their exploration – and she loved his touch, she enjoyed his hands around her breasts, his fingers softly pulling her nipples. Her breathing sped up when they both took off their shirts and the straps of her bra slid down her arms. 

Kip rolled her on her back and leaned over her, his lips gliding down her neck, her breasts, around her nipples. Dana had the feeling she was on fire – and for the first time in months she enjoyed the feeling. She wanted more, she wanted all of him. She fiddled on his pants, he on hers, and a slight smirk crossed her lips as her hand glided inside his boxers and folded around his erection. 

"I want you inside me," she whispered. "I want you inside me baby."

Again there was that hesitation in his eyes. A battle was still raging inside him and she wanted him to let go of his doubts, she wanted him to surrender to her. Softly but compelling she started to jerk him off, meanwhile kissing him and leaving teasing bite marks in his shoulder. His fingers intertwined with her hair while he struggled out of his pants and laid himself on top of her. The pressure of his warm body was wonderful and her hands moved across his torso, being aware of all the weight he had lost. 

"You're still hot," she whispered, knowing his long imprisonment had destroyed his confidence.

He looked up, in his blue eyes his conflicted feelings were still gleaming. 

"Surrender yourself baby," she said softly. "We deserve this, this little bit of love. Nobody can blame us, all people we know would have done the same if they had been in our situation."

Even Juice, she knew. For he had sought comfort at someone else too. 

He held her glance for moment, then he nodded. His fingers were trembling as he moved them between her legs, touching her hesitantly. She smiled, pressing kisses to his lower lip, softly sucking it now and then. 

She laced her fingers with those of his free hand and squeezed. His hand glided away from her waist and stroked her cheek. 

"Does this really feel nice for you?" he asked softly. 

"I love your touch," she said honestly, rubbing her waist against his. His fingers wandered across her breast as he positioned himself better between her legs. Softly he pressed his manhood against her entrance. 

She pulled up her knees and stroked his back. His lips touched her forehead as he pushed himself deeper inside her. It felt a little sore, but the pain paled with all the times Maddox had been inside her. As she turned her head to the side, he kissed her neck and slowly thrust inside her. Her stomach cramped as her eye caught the tattoo on his arm – the reaper, the same tattoo Juice had on his arm. For a moment his face was all she could see; his half open mouth, his dark eyes that always looked at her like she was the most beautiful being on earth, and she could hear his dark voice as he whispered how fucking good it felt. As the tears pressed against her eyelashes, she squeezed her eyes. 

"Am I – am I hurting you?" Kip stopped moving immediately. "You don't like this at all."

"I do," she said softly. Her voice sounded fragile. "Precisely because it feels good, I was reminded of Juice." She blinked the tears away. 

He bent over until his face was leaning against his shoulder. "I can't do this Dane. I'm sorry," he whispered. 

A shiver traveled through her body as the tears dripped on her skin. His tears, this time. 

"You want me to take the lead?" she asked, raking a hand through his blonde hair. 

They had to pull through – they had no choice.

"Okay," he said quietly, his face still pressed against her skin. 

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him for a long time until they had both pulled themselves together again. Then she rolled him over so she was on top and started to kiss his chest, his stomach, his hips and eventually his member, which she stroked softly until it became hard again. Slowly she lowered herself on it, until it completely filled her. Kip looked up to her and she gave him an encouraging smile while she started to move her hips. His breathing fell heavier as she rode him slowly, his fingers reaching out for her breasts, playing with her nipples.

Dana moaned softly – there was no need to fake her sounds. It felt good, she enjoyed it, and she closed her eyes as he laid his hands on her hips, grabbing her a little more determined.

As a moan slipped his lips too, she opened her eyes again. His were closed, his lips parted a little. A tenderly smile crossed her face and she sped up her pace until his fingers were digging in her flesh and his body started to jolt. For a little while she continued, then she laid down on his chest and felt safe in his arms. His lips quivering as he kissed her temple.

The silence between them was vibrating with heat, but neither of them made an attempt to break it, as if it would chase away the little bit of magic that was floating in this room now. After all, she knew what would happen the moment Kip left the room – then Maddox would want to love her too. 

"Stay with me a little longer," she whispered eventually without lifting her head from his chest. 

"As long as you want," he answered softly as his finger tips glided up and down her spine. "Besides, I'm not done with you yet."

A slight smirk crossed her lips as she kissed his shoulder. "That's what I like to hear."

He rolled her on her back. As she looked up to him, there was more colour on his face than in the past days and she stroked his cheek. "Well... make this girl go wild now like a true Son."

He showed her the first smirk in months. "Yes ma'me." Then he dipped his head and kissed her chest and further down to her waist. Dana closed her eyes as she felt his tongue and lips moisten her most intimate parts and for the first time this year she curved her back and squeezed the blankets because of the pleasure rolling over her. 

Her lips however were pressed together, so nobody outside this room would ever know how much she enjoyed this. 


	34. Dana

 "I want to show you something."

His sudden voice startled her, getting her out of balance and making her miss the basket. Instead of turning around, she took a few steps forward, caught the ball and clutched it between her elbow and hip. 

The past weeks she had gotten back to her former hobbies; playing basketball and guitar. Maddox gave her everything she asked for, he genuinely didn't want her to get bored or being consumed by grief. 

She however felt lonely. She wasn't exactly in the mood to play basketball with Maddox – in fact she had never seen him hold a ball, she didn't think he was talented in sports – but the loneliness made her sad as well. Kip was still locked up in one of the rooms, although it was on her orders now. Maddox had even offered to give him a little more freedom; it had been Dana who had shaken her head, claiming that she found it too hard to be with him in the same room after their sexual encounters – she had told Maddox that they both felt awkward around each other and that their intimacy had destroyed their friendship. Of course that wasn't the real reason, she was scared to death that Maddox would discover that there  _were_ feelings in play. By now they had loved each other a couple of times, so the uneasiness had slipped away. Sometimes they had no sex at all; they would just lie in each other's arms or talk quietly. Maddox would never know. 

Shaking off the thoughts, she looked at Maddox. Like most times, his face was blank and without saying anything she walked with him. A nasty feeling settled in her stomach as he opened the door to the video room. He pointed to a chair and Dana sat down. She swallowed. It had been a while since she had been here; since she had told Maddox that she was happy that Juice moved on there hadn't been much satisfaction in forcing her to watch the videos. 

This time the sound was on. She saw Juice entering his bedroom, stumbling, tripping over his feet and falling on the bed. Lotte followed him, tears gliding down her cheeks. 

"I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now," he snapped.

"You never are!" The girl yelled back. "And it's not bullshit! You have been drunk non stop the past days. And now you are cheating on me too and you don't even care?!"

"I was already cheating on someone," he grunted. "With you."

"That's not the same! Dana and you are separated for more than a year, while we had just agreed to start a real relationship." She sat down next to him. "Is that the reason you cheated on me? Because you feel guilty about us? Were you trying to prove yourself that you have no feelings for me?"

He jumped up. Goose bumps spread across her arms, something cold descended in her stomach. "Go away with that whore face of yours! I was just dying for a good fuck. Stop acting like a fucking shrink. I don't give a shit about you.  _That's_ the reason I banged someone else."

"I don't believe that..."

Suddenly he had grabbed a handful of her hair, yanking her head backwards. "What is there not to believe? You think I love you?" Snorting disdainfully, he tore at her hair. "You think I would do this if I'd loved you?" He pushed her backwards so she fell off the bed, her head hitting the wall. 

He let out a hollow laugh. 

Dana bent her head. A shiver crept down her spine. He sounded so... not like Juice. She barely recognized the man in the video. When she heard the girl scream, she was forced to look up. Bile crept up as she watched how Juice attacked the girl until she laid still on the ground. Then he went to bed, as if his violence was the most normal thing in the world. 

Tears rolled down Dana's cheeks. "Why do you want me to watch this?" she whispered. 

"I know you think that I'm a monster. But do you really think he is any better? Look what he did. This is the man you love. Someone who assaults his girl. I know that I'm not perfect, and that I make mistakes – a lot. But I would never have done this to you."

"No you murdered my child," she answered through gritted teeth. "It had been more humane to break my bones one by one." With a sigh she turned towards Maddox. "Why do you keep harassing me with these videos? How can I ever move past him if you keep confronting me with my feelings for Juice? I will never hate him, Maddox. You have to accept that, like I accept that I will never be with him again. Do you want to repair our relationship? Then stop terrorizing me with images of Juice. You have to give me the chance to move on – and the same goes for him. When I know that he's happy, it will be easier for me to let go of him, so I can concentrate on our own family."

Pensively, Maddox studied her face. She felt that he was rational now and that he was seriously considering her words. "Maybe you're right."

Dana nodded slowly. "Let me talk to him one more time, Maddox. So we can find closure. So I can tell him that he doesn't need to feel ashamed for his feelings for another woman, for the girl is right – those feelings are the reason that he drinks so much, because he believes he's betraying me."

"He  _is_ betraying you."

"No Maddox," she sighed. "I'm no longer his. I'm yours, remember? You know that, I know that, and he does too. He has to move on, he has to build something with that girl for I can see that she truly cares about him, despite the orders you give her. I just want him to get on with his life, that he will make peace with the fact that I will never come back to him. Just allow me one more phone call and leave him alone."

* * *

Her words must have touched him, for half an hour later she sat on the beach, in her own, with the phone and the number Maddox had given her. She had sworn that she would tell him nothing about the cameras and Lotte's role, and Dana didn't plan to betray his trust, knowing the consequences would be unforeseeable. 

Nervously she pressed the numbers that were on the note. She didn't exactly know what she wanted to say to him, somehow she just hoped to give him some peace. With trembling fingers she pressed the green icon and waited. 

"Yeah?" she heard after a few seconds. 

The moment she heard his voice, tears filled her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she tried to man up. This was her only chance. 

"Hello?"

She swallowed, although her throat felt dry. "Hey baby. It's me."

He gasped for breath, she imagined how he clutched the phone against his ear. "Dane?"

"Yes, it's me baby." She took a deep breath. "Maddox said I behaved well the past weeks and he gave me permission to call you. He even trusts me enough to leave me alone with the phone."

"You mean... that nobody is listening in?" His voice sounded quiet, fragile and she squeezed her eyes. 

"I'm alone. I'm sitting on the beach. Where uh, where are you?" By asking simple questions, she hoped to get a conversation going, without their emotions getting the best of them, resulting in sobs alone. 

"I uh... I live outside Charming for a while. For two weeks now."

Dana frowned, realizing that Maddox had shown her old videos since she didn't believe that Juice was lying now. "Oh... why's that?"

"Uhm..." He heaved a sigh. "I couldn't keep away from the alcohol, most days I was just drunk. So Kozik sent me to this place – I'm in rehab now. Got lots of appointments with therapists and shit. I'm not... at my worst now."

A tear glided down her cheek, which she wiped away with her thumb. "I'm proud of you," she said. "That you took that step. That had to be hard. You uh – you got support? Apart from Koz?"

Nervously, she held her breath. Would he be honest?

"There uh... there's a girl I met in the clubhouse and we became friends a few months ago." His voice sounded shaky, and then he started to cry. "I slept with her. I'm so sorry Dane. I tried to be faithful but..."

"I don't mind," she answered in a tiny voice. Talking was a lot harder now she had heard him cry. "I don't know if I will ever leave this place, Juice, but I don't want you to wait for me. If you have feelings for another girl I understand, I even support it. Please don't feel guilty about it. We had a great time together, you and I. I know what we have was something special. But we're not together anymore. You have to move on, you have to try to become happy. That's – that's all I want." A tear itched her cheek and she wrapped her arms around herself. "There's a guard here who's here against his will," she lied. "We became friends too and I know that I have feelings for him. It's nothing compared to what I feel for you, but especially in this horrible time we have to grab the tiniest bit of happiness baby. I really don't blame you for building a life with another girl. Just consider it as a way to stand up to Maddox. He wants you to wither away, to no longer being able to lead a normal life. Prove him the opposite."

He was silent for a while. His heavy breathing told her that he was close to tears again. "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too, Juan. I miss you. But I'm so happy with the memories I have."

He sighed softly. "I hate myself. I've done horrible things."

"Don't think about them, baby. What's done is done. You can't change the past. Try to find some good energy. What's the best memory you have about us?"

He sobbed quietly. "There are so many. The first time when you were at my house, when you fell asleep while leaning against me, when we were sitting in front of the PlayStation... When I shot myself, you remember that?"

"Impossible to forget." She chuckled quietly. "Maybe we never would have been a couple if you hadn't blown up half of your ass. It was pity persuading me to go on that date with you."

She heard him laugh softly, which ended in a sob. "Our date at the drive in cinema. Where you refused to kiss me before you had finished your pizza."

"And where you refused to tell me your real name before you had kissed me." Her thumb stroked the ring finger where she had worn her engagement ring. "The best memory I have... well you proposing to me in a diaper, of course. Or that time that we had sex on the beach and lost our clothes. When you had to rob an old lady to make me wear that ugly flower dress."

Her heart ached when he chuckled. "I will never forget the look on her face when she found me naked at her front door." He let out a shaky sigh. "I love you so much. All those things... I'm sure they wouldn't have happened with someone else."

"You're right," she admitted with a watery smile. "Only the two of us are that clumsy."

"Yeah... We were perfect together."

She pressed her lips together when he said that in the past tense. It hurt, but at the same time there was resignation in it. It was okay. 

"How are things over there?" he asked after a while. 

"Maddox... is changing. He lost it when Kip and I tried to escape and he did the most horrible thing he could have done, but I believe he truly regrets it. He's trying really hard to make me feel comfortable." 

Those were half-truths, but she didn't care. As long as he believed it.

"He sent me her body," Juice muttered. "She was so small... She has a beautiful little white grave and a memory stone. I... I often visit her."

Dana clenched her hands to fist. A scorching pain flamed through her body and in vain she tried to swallow the tears. She had known that Maddox would send him Tabitha's body, but hearing him talk about it broke her heart.

"I'm relieved to hear that she has a resting place," she said softly. "And that you can visit her." She rubbed her eyes.

"You uh... you think he'll allow you to call me more often?" he asked, almost inaudible. "It feels so good to finally hear your voice again."

She swallowed. Talking to him was both a torment and a blessing. "I'm afraid that more calls will change his mood. We have to move on, Juice. The both of us. The past year was horrible, for you and me both. But you have to be strong now, you have to deal with your loss. Your own happiness is your strongest weapon."

"You are so strong," he said between two sobs. "I don't know how you do it."

"I refuse to give him more power over me. Physically he can do whatever he wants with me, but you are the one my heart is beating for and he will never break my willpower. Every time I can bring myself to smile, it feels like a little victory. You have to learn to look at life in that way too baby. Don't feel guilty because you're still able to smile; consider it as a victory. And if you dare to move on with your life, if you dare to love someone again, to build a future... then that's the biggest victory."

She heard him swallow. Her eyes were burning – she felt that it was better to end the conversation before her emotions became too strong, making her words lose their strength. 

"We've never been able to say a proper goodbye. So this is our goodbye, my dearest Juice. I might be able to escape one day, but don't wait for me. Collect victories, get your life together. Find your happiness and know that you will always be in my heart, wherever I am, with whoever I am."

"You'll always be in my heart and mind too," he whispered. "Thank you for being such a beautiful person. You have no idea how much this strengthens me. I will try to become a better man. I will try to be happy again."

"I'm relieved to hear that baby. You deserve to be happy. Our time together was wonderful and I cherish the memories, but our story has come to an end now. Maybe it was a short story, but it was a beautiful one that I will always wear close to my heart." She heard him cry and bent her head. 

"I wish I could give you beautiful words like these too. But – but all I can tell you is that I miss you terribly and that I love you more than you can ever understand."

"It's okay baby. Your love is all that matters to me. You're such a wonderful person, please make another girl happy with your love. It's a waste to bury it deep inside you."

A heavy silence fell, one that made her heart beat painfully. 

"Thank you," he whispered in the end. "For this call. Not a single therapy can compete with everything you just said to me."

She smiled sadly. "And that's like a bandage around my own heart too. Be well, darling. I love you. My heart is forever yours."

His breathing changed; coming out in panicking little jolts now. She felt that he was close to begging her not to hang up, but all he muttered was: "I love you too. I always will."

Then she ended the call. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stood up and returned to Maddox. She felt no shame for the pain she was feeling. 

"Thank you," she said quietly as she gave him the phone. "We both needed this to make peace with the situation."

His dark eyes rested on hers for a moment, then he nodded in silence and kissed her forehead.


	35. Kip

He had hold many girls in his arms, but only two of them had meant something to him, whose touches had been able to make him forget about everything. It was a gift, one he eagerly exposed himself to. He loved to hold her close, to feel her warm skin against his, her fingers thoughtlessly stroking his hand. After being locked up for more than a year, every touch was intenser than ever before and holding her in someone else's bed gave the same satisfaction as whatever intimate touch. 

The only thing he was wearing right now was his boxers, and all she wore was a thong. Their dalliance had ended in a loving embrace and right now neither of them felt the need to go further. Just holding each other, being together, that meant just as much to them. Maybe it meant even more, since nobody forced them to sit like this. The only reason they were doing that, was because they wanted it, because they longed for each other's closeness.

"Maddox allowed me to call him yesterday."

"What?" Kip sat a little straighter. He had already sensed that she rather wanted to talk than having sex, but he hadn't seen this coming. 

Dana sighed softly, slightly turning on his lap so she could lean with her cheek against his chest. "He showed me a video first. Of Juice being drunk and beating his new girlfriend. Maddox tried to convince me that he was a monster."

Hesitating, Kip raised his hand and raked his fingers through her blonde strands, not knowing if he had to say something or if he should give her the room to continue. 

"I asked him why he kept terrorizing me with those images and I told him it would be better for everyone if he gave both Juice and me the chance to make peace with things. I persuaded him to call him." She bit her lip. "He's in rehab. Apparently he realized too that the things he did were unacceptable."

"So Maddox showed you old material?"

She nodded. "Yeah... I guess he doubted for a long time if he wanted to show me the video or not. I think he wanted to protect me, but in the end his... insecurity triumphed."

"His insecurity?" Kip repeated with raised eyebrows. There were a lot of words to describe their tormentor but "insecure" certainly wasn't one of them.

"It's not like he doesn't feel ashamed about his behavior," she sighed. "For all the things he's doing to us. He admits that he makes mistakes. And he knows that I love Juice, and I think he hoped that it would be easier for me to forgive him if he showed me that I was also able to love a man who assaults his girlfriend." Dana's fingers spread across his hand. "Things are different than before. Before I ran away he considered me as his property, but now he's really trying to connect. He wants me to love him. He's lonely."

"Well he's the one who's holding us and himself on this godforsaken island." He didn't like the way she was talking about the man. If there was anything he was truly afraid of, it was that she would develop the Stockholm syndrome. That she would  _choose_ to be with him in the end. "How did Juice react?" he asked, since he rather talked about that than listening to her explanation of Maddox's behavior. He had accepted in a very early stage that that guy was completely insane and that it was a waste of energy to try to understand him. 

"It was a tough talk, but a good one. We said our goodbyes. I told him to pursue his happiness and that he needs to find someone with whom he can share his love. During the video Maddox showed me, I found out that he was so drunk and angry because he was unfaithful to me. I hope I have at least taken that conflict away from him." She looked up to him, a sad smile crossing her beautiful face. "We've spoken beautiful and deep words to each other. Hopefully I managed to give him some peace."

Kip didn't doubt that. If someone was capable of doing that, it had to be Dana. She was also the only reason why he hadn't crawled into a dark corner being depressed all the time. "Did you tell him about us?"

"I told him I had feelings for a guard, hoping to decrease his guilt. I didn't dare to say something about us."

_Because it would hurt him. Because I'm betraying him._

Kip felt selfish, wishing that Dana  _had_ told him. Not because he wanted Juice to suffer even more, but because he knew he would confess it the moment he would look Juice in the eye, once he was back in Charming. It might have been better if Dana had already eased him into the idea than that Kip would throw it at his feet. And even worse; he would have to tell him that he had knocked her up too and that he had left her alone with their child. 

"Well let's pray he doesn't put a bullet in my brain the moment he finds out," Kip muttered. The whole thing bothered him too much to ignore it. "He will be furious if I return without you, let alone how he will feel if he discovers that I fucked his girl."

Dana's eyes narrowed and she created a little more space between them. "I'm no longer his girl. And don't talk about me like I'm a Croweater; like you have no feelings for me."

Kip dropped his eyes. Juice wouldn't give a shit about his or her feelings.


	36. Juice

The past months Juice had been confronted with a lot of different emotions, but the last time he had felt nervous he couldn't remember. And the last time he had held a bouquet of roses in his hands, was even further in the past. He couldn't remember he had ever given them to Dana.

His hands were clammy while he was waiting in the lobby of the clinic, his bags lying next to him on the floor. Three weeks had passed since he had seen her – her face all bruised because he hadn't controlled his anger. Twice she had tried to visit him, but he had refused to see her and he had only answered her texts sporadically. 

Not because she had done anything wrong, but because he couldn't handle the shame. After what he had done to her, he didn't dare to look her in the eye again. The conversation with Dana however had encouraged him to ask for another chance. He knew Lotte deserved a lot better than him, but still... still he hoped for her forgiveness.

He missed her. Which was conflicting, since he also missed Dana. Still he kept repeating the words she had spoken to him; that he had to collect victories, that he had to share his love with someone, that she  _wanted_ him to build a future with someone else. He found it hard – but he wanted to try it nevertheless. For her.

And so he hadn't objected when Lotte had asked him to pick him up when he was dismissed from the clinic. 

His eyes shot to the door when it was opened. A warm feeling erupted in his chest – it felt new, making him a little shy. This time he didn't fight it; there was no nasty voice whispering that he was betraying Dana.

A shiver crept down his spine when their eyes met and she gave him a warm smile. Raising himself he wanted to kiss her cheek, but she gave him a squeezing hug. A little awkwardly he held her close, the bouquet of roses pressed to her back. 

"Umm these are for you," he muttered, holding out the flowers. He wanted to tell her how much regret he felt, but he knew this wasn't the best place for it. 

"That's really sweet." With a smile she looked up to him. 

Juice didn't know how to react and instead of saying something, he picked up his bag and headed outside. 

"Actually eh, actually I'd like to take you somewhere," he said after putting his bags in the trunk. 

"Oh!" Her eyes were shining.

He didn't understand why she looked so happy and it still took a lot of effort to look her in the eye. The last time he had done that, her eyelids had been a dark purple and swollen. 

"You drive?"

Juice nodded hesitantly and took the key from her. 

Luckily it was a short drive, for the silence between them made him nervous. It however didn't seem to bother Lotte; as always she was so patient that it gave him the shivers. 

Fifteen minutes later he parked the car close to the beach. He didn't know exactly why he had wanted to go there. Maybe because Dana had been sitting on the beach, the last time he had spoken to her. Somehow he hoped to feel connected to her, as if she would give them her blessing. 

As soon as the sand was beneath their feet, his hand laced with Lotte's. She gave him a soft squeeze. At a quiet spot he sat down and stared at the waves. 

For a while they were sitting there in silence, until he realized the words he wanted to say to her wouldn't slip his lips themselves. Turning towards her, he rubbed his thumb across hers. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Lotte. I barely dare to look at you, actually I would want to tell you to stay far away from me..." He took a deep breath. "I know our relationship has always been difficult. Especially because I still... love Dana. But she's not here, and you are..." Hesitating he searched her eyes; there was a friendly look in them. "I wanna be with you," he said, his voice shaking. "I don't know if you'd still want that or that you rather stay friends – if you want that at all. But still... still I want to ask you to become my girl. My old lady."

She raised his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "You know I love you." For a moment she was silent. Nervously he drew lines in the sand with the fingers of his free hand. There was obviously a 'but' on the way.

"I'm really relieved that you went into rehab and I can see that you have changed... and I don't want to doubt you but I  _do_ fear that you will fall into old habits."

Juice nodded slowly. He understood. "Usually I'd been afraid of that too. But I spoke to Dana on the phone last week. It was a difficult and heartbreaking conversation, but it did give me peace. She said – she said that I shouldn't wait for her. She wants me to be happy with someone else – with you. And she told me that I don't have to feel ashamed of my feelings for someone else and that it will be good for me. That I will fight Maddox by falling in love again, by moving on."

To his surprise, a tear rolled down her cheek. She turned her face away from him and took a deep breath. A little overwhelmed Juice stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"Sorry," she muttered, wiping her eyes. "More than half a year I've tried to help you get you life back, and it's just... hard that you feel so peaceful after one call with her. She has to be very special..."

Juice dropped his eyes, her absence eating his heart. "Yeah. She is." Shakily, he breathed in, then he softly squeezed her hand. "I have no words to express how grateful I am for everything you did for me, Lotte. You've been of a great help, no less than Dana. But I think I just needed to hear these words from her... that she wants me to let her go. That she's okay with me falling in love with someone else." He gathered his courage, told himself once more that Dana supported this and added: "You were right when you said that I cheated on you because my feelings for you were bothering me. I know my heart was numb the past months, but somehow you managed to get in. And I felt ashamed of it since it felt like I was betraying Dana. But now – now I see that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that she doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if you still want me..." He looked up to her. "But I do want you." With his thumb he stroked her cheek; he felt how she shivered, it felt like their last touch was months ago. "And I hope that you can forgive me. For the pain I caused you."

She laid her hand across his. For a moment he was afraid she would pull it away, then she shoved it a little to the side, so her lips were touching his fingers. 

"I forgive you, Juice," she said softly. "I want to be your girl."

She held his glance, then she leaned into him and softly kissed his lips. For a moment his heart ached, like this kiss was a definitive goodbye to Dana. 

Then he cupped her jaw with his other hand and kissed her back. Tenderly, lovingly; carefully allowing the feelings he had banished for months. 


	37. Juice

The rest of the day Juice took the time to be with Lotte; he wanted to show her that he was serious, that he really wanted to be with her. They stayed at the beach until dusk fell and had dinner at a restaurant with ocean view. There after he took her to his apartment, lifted her up as soon as he had dropped his bags on the ground and carried her to the bedroom where he made love to her in a way he had never done before. 

The morning after, it was time to fix other things. The past months he had never went to the clubhouse before the end of  the day, but this time it was before 9 when he entered the building, holding Lotte's hand. He was nervous, there was no way around that. For months he had snarled at everyone around and the brief glances that he received showed him that he wasn't the only one who remembered his shitty behavior. It hurt that nobody greeted him, even when he knew it was his own fault. 

At Juice's request Clay called everyone to church and fifteen minutes later they all sat around the table. Well,  _all..._ There were still a lot of empty chairs. Happy, Tig, Chibs, Opie, Sack... Some seats were taken by prospects who had gotten their top rocker without his knowledge, but he could still feel the absence of their predecessors. He could picture their faces so vividly that he felt a jolt of pain in his stomach when he remembered their deaths or their imprisonment.

When Clay's eyes fell upon his face, Juice nodded, cleared his throat and sat up straight. Usually apologizing would have made him nervous, but suddenly he felt remarkably calm. 

"I owe you an apology. A big one. I was lost since the moment Dana was taken from me and things became much worse when the body of my daughter was sent to me. I know that none of you dared to count on me – and with good reason." He dropped a silence and looked around. The others watched him closely, they even looked surprised and he continued: "I'm much better now. It's been three weeks since the last drop of alcohol, I feel peaceful and I have an old lady who keeps an eye on me. I hope that you will be able to forgive my absence and that I can come back; that you can give me another chance."

Jax tapped the ash of his cigarette in the ashtray. "You've always been one of us, Juice, even though your status was inactive for some time. We're happy to see that you pulled yourself together again."

The others nodded in agreement. Kozik shoved back his chair and spread his arms. "Come here brother. It's good to have you back, we all love you."

Juice got up and headed for the man to hug him; and after Kozik the others pulled him in an embrace too. His eyes were stinging. He had forgotten how the warmth of his friends felt, of his brothers; his family. 

He sat down on the chair again and let the others fill him in about the things that mattered; the fact that they were still looking for new buyers for the guns since the old buyers lost trust after seeing the club falling apart. Jax also told him that Tig and Happy were on something which could lead to new information about Maddox, but that it all went very slow. 

After Juice had caught up, the men glanced at each other a little awkwardly. Juice shoved in his chair, leaning forward as he looked from one to the other. They were keeping something from him, he could feel it. Didn't they trust him anymore? Before he could say something, Kozik heaved a sigh. 

"There's something else, Juice."

"Yeah, I already sensed that." He glanced bashfully at the Sergeant at Arms. For the first time he realized that his friend had taken over that role from Tig, for who knows how long...

"Your mother was here last week."

Juice's jaw dropped. He didn't know what he had expected to hear, but certainly not  _this._

"My mother?" he repeated in disbelief. He hadn't spoken to her since he had left Queens and that was fifteen years ago. "What the hell did she want?"

Kozik studied his face. "Dropping off your nephew. As it seems, your sister got five years and your mother didn't want custody. She left the kid in the clubhouse and disappeared."

"My nephew?" Suspiciously he frowned. "I don't have a nephew."

But a woman who left her grand child in a clubhouse full of whores and bikers? Yeah, that definitely sounded like his mom...


	38. Juice

Overwhelmed, Juice stared at the toddler who had gotten off the couch. With one hand he was holding a worn-out stuffed dinosaur, with the other he rubbed his eyes, looking drowsy. 

"Uncle Juan?" he asked quietly. 

A shiver crept down his spine as she heard the fragile voice. The sound barely drowned out the episode of Spongebob that was on the tv. Lotte laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. He shook off the bewilderment and took a few steps forward. 

"Yeah uhmm... that's me."

What was he supposed to do? Lift him up and put him on his hip? Give him a kiss? There had always been kids growing up around the club, but never before he had met a child that shared his blood. Not a living one, at least. 

 _This is Tabitha's cousin,_ he realized. Taking a deep breath, he tried to blink away the tears and placed a hand on the head of the boy.

"Hey Mikey." He hesitated for a moment before he scooped him on his side. Before he had gone to the apartment of the croweater who had looked after the kid, he had looked into his nephew to make sure dropping off a random kid wasn't some sick idea of Maddox. 

But it was true. His sister had indeed a four year old son and she was sentenced to five years in jail because she had shot her ex boyfriend. There was no proof for self defense, but the father had already lost custody by being an alcoholic. 

That knowledge caused a bitter taste in his mouth. He himself was just released from rehab for the same reason. A year ago he would have judged people like that without thinking, but after what he had done to Lotte himself, things were different.

Juice felt moved when the boy pressed his face shyly against his shoulder. 

"This is Lotte," he told Mikey when she stroked his dark hair. "You can call her auntie."

"You mother didn't leave a lot of stuff," the croweater sighed, handing Lotte the bag. "He's very quiet. I'm glad that you're back, Juice."

Juice nodded in silence. All this was still hard to understand. Right when he finally got his life together again, he had to take care of a kid. A small kid – one that definitely needed care and attention. 

"We're going home, okay?" he spoke softly to Mikey, pressing a kiss to his temple. It was strange that he felt already so attached to a child of which he had just discovered that they were family. He carried the boy to the car and fastened his seat belt, then he sat down next to Lotte. 

"Why don't we go to my apartment? I have an extra room."

Juice nodded absentmindedly and heaved a sigh. Suddenly he felt exhausted. How was he supposed to do this? Care for his sister's son for five years? His whole life had turned upside down in the blink of an eye – again. He might feel better, but he knew there was still a lot of shit he had to deal with and he was nowhere near the man he used to be. He however didn't dare to share his insecurities, not as long as Mikey was on the backseat. More than anyone he knew what it felt like to feel unwanted as a child, and the last thing he wanted was giving his little nephew that feeling. That his own grandma had left him in a complete strange town, was already traumatizing for the kid. 

* * *

A few hours later they had bought some toys for Mikey. Juice was sitting on the couch with Lotte while the boy was playing with Lego a few steps away from them. 

"You think you can do it? Look after him?" Lotte asked softly. She laid a hand on his thigh and gave him a worried look. 

"I don't know," he muttered. "It doesn't really land. You think – you think I can do it?"

She glanced briefly at him and nodded. "Yeah. Together we can."

Juice dropped his eyes. He had buried his own daughter a few weeks ago; the final proof of his destroyed future with Dana. Having to raise a child with Lotte now, was way too fast. But how to do it without her help, he didn't know. 

Sighing, he bent over and rubbed his face. 

Lotte leaned with her head against his shoulder. "We will be all right," she said softly. "Maybe this fits to a new start, don't you think?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders. His head felt crammed full, he could barely think. A jolt of pain went through his stomach as he realized that he was longing to the numbness the alcohol had given him and he squeezed his eyes.  _Please not again..._

More than ever he had to keep the alcohol away, now he knew that Mikey's father was a drunk. 

"If you're not ready for this, you have to be honest about it," Lotte said. "We can bring him back to your mother, or maybe there are family members willing to help on his father's side."

"No," he muttered. "When I was his age I've gotten so many beat downs... I don't want him to live under the same roof as my mother. My sister knows that; that's why she sent him to me. If there had been a better solution, she wouldn't have entrusted her child with the brother she hasn't seen in years – and who didn't even know about its existence."

"But there are also host families, people who..."

"No. I don't want him to move from family to family. I want him to feel loved. Wanted. Around his family." He looked to the side. "I have no idea how to give him a stable life the next five years, but I'll find a way. I can do this."

He stood up and knelt beside Mikey. Touched, he looked at the concentrated face of the little one, which was clearly sharing similarities with his sister. 

"You want me to help you?" he asked the boy. 

Mikey looked thoughtfully from the Lego to his uncle and back, then he nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! We can build a car!"

"Let's do that! A big, fast car!"

He felt Lotte's hands on his shoulders and she kissed the top of his head. "I'll make lunch for these hard workers."

Juice watched her as she walked to the kitchen. A stifling feeling arose inside him as he imagined it was Dana opening the fridge, and that it was his own daughter who was sitting next to him. 

A tear itched down his cheek as he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to make sure that his sister wouldn't lose what he had lost. 


	39. Lotte

Lotte sat on the edge of the bed, staring at her phone. She had to call him, filling him in about the changes. But she was so sick of it – she couldn't live with herself, with the betrayal. Especially now Juice had gone into rehab and wanted to start over, she didn't want this to ruin their relationship. 

She however had no choice. She couldn't let her little sister suffer because of her feelings for Juice. Sighing she looked for the right number and called it. Like every time she was listening to the dial tone she felt ice cold. Before every call she was afraid that he would give her the final order – to kill him in his sleep.

"Yeah?"

A shiver traveled through her body as she heard his cold voice. Tears stung in her eyes. "I don't know how much longer I can take this," she whispered. 

She hadn't wanted to speak out that thought, but somehow she never controlled her thoughts when she was speaking to him. 

"You think he will kill you?"

"What? – No," she answered baffled. 

She heard him snort. "He's no longer beating you?"

"No. He's just back from rehab, he's doing well. He told me Dana had called him." She held her breath, afraid that mentioning the girl's name stirred up his darkness. There however was no doubt that Maddox expected her to mention the call, whether he already knew about it or not. 

"I know. Dana wants to distance herself from him."

"Yeah..." Her voice was shaking. "I think he made peace with the situation."

At least that was what Juice was thinking. Lotte had her doubts. She had the feeling that the fact that he wanted to be with her now, had little to do with his feelings for her; he was rather fulfilling a promise he had made Dana. He was doing this for Dana, and not because of her.

"His sister has been sent to prison and he has to take care of his nephew now." She found it hard to share the information; the last thing she wanted was putting little Mikey in danger. The thought however of what Maddox would do if he found out she had kept things from him, was much more terrifying. She wanted to offer him transparency; that was the best way to keep everyone safe. "He moved in with me because I have an extra room." She took a deep breath. "You want me to move the cameras?"

"Hmm. Just buy some new ones for your house."

She bent her head and squeezed her eyes. A pounding headache was coming on. "How long do I have to keep doing this?" she whispered. "How much longer before you finally release my sister?" She wiped her eyes as they were filled with tears. "Dana is with you for over a year. And all this time Charlie..." Her lips were quivering. "Please let her go."

"Be careful you're not starting to annoy me, Lotte. I already rejected two customers who were interested in her."

She pressed her lips together. Once he had sold her, it would be impossible to track down her sister. Bile was burning in her throat. She still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he did this to a fifteen year old girl.

She started to sob, no matter how hard she fought against it. The secret she was keeping was weighing too heavy; she no longer knew how to keep her head above the water. She wanted to tell Juice what was going on, but as soon as Maddox would get wind of it she would lose her sister. For good. While she was going through even worse things than Dana did. 

"Haven't I proven my loyalty?" she whispered. "I'm always obedient. I... I... Please Maddox. Take her away from that place."

He was silent for a while. She didn't know whether he was angry or seriously considering her pleas. 

"If you will show your best behavior the next couple of months, I will make sure she gets another job."

"Job? What job?" Her voice cracked; she was afraid that she was only making things worse for her sister.

"A job where she doesn't have to spread her legs," he answered coldly. "I will personally see to the fact that men will no longer touch her. Does that reassure you?"

She pressed her lips together and took a deep breath through her nose. He had to be in a terrifying good mood if he offered this. "Yes," she whispered. "Where – where will she go?"

"You ask a lot of questions, Lotte." There was not only disapproval in his voice, she heard that it also amused him. "My girl will need a bit of help after giving birth to our son or daughter. Being a nanny instead of keeping the bed of old men warm; isn't that an improvement?"

A shiver crept down her spine. So Dana was pregnant again. That poor girl. 

Despite the pity she felt, there was also something else, something that gave her a nagging feeling in the stomach. For some reason she felt jealousy. Not because she was a prisoner, but because she could bear so much suffering without breaking, because she could help Juice with one call while her days were blacker than night for more than a year. Giving up just seemed a word she didn't know. Lotte admired her, but there were sparse moments that jealousy took over. 

She herself had the feeling that she was a vase full of cracks that would shatter at the slightest touch. 

"I had expected a little more enthusiasm."

His dark tone made her shiver again. "I – I am grateful," she whispered. "It's... It's a very generous offer. I'm just... I'm just afraid that I will ruin it for her."

"Keep in mind for who you are doing this, Lotte." She could easily imagine his wink. "If you behave like a good girl, I will bring your sister to a safe place. Is that enough motivation for you to handle your stolen life again?"

 _Stolen life._ Her stomach hurt and she felt sick. It was a painful accusation; that she had stolen Dana's life. She had seen the look on Juice's face when he had played with the Lego while she was making lunch. He had wished that it had been Dana who had been in the kitchen, and that their daughter had been sitting next to him instead of his nephew. 

In a way it was true; she was a replacement for Dana and she had stolen her life, her boyfriend. But only because a psychotic dark soul had forced her into it. 

And if Juice would ever find out, he would hate her for it. Then she would lose everything – her lover, her sister... maybe even her life. 

The skin of her face started to burn as if the invisible scars were lighting up. He had beaten the shit out of her just because she had been angry with him for cheating on her. What the hell would he do with her when he discovered that she was spying for Maddox? 

Suddenly she heard the front door open. Quickly she wiped away the tears, trying to control her breathing. "I have to go."

"I believe that you first need to tell me something."

"Lotte?" she heard from the living room. 

Lotte tried to think, but she was scared to death that Juice would enter the bedroom, somehow knowing what she had done. Hanging up was neither a possibility – people would get hurt if she ignored Maddox's question. 

Suddenly she knew what he wanted to hear. 

"Congratulations. With the fact that you will become a father."

She got an amused, satisfied laugh in return. "Thank you. We're not there yet, but it won't take long. You can go now, Lotte. We'll be in touch."

The door of the bedroom opened. Quickly she lowered the phone and stared at Juice. 

"Who was that?" he asked. She could feel his scorching, searching gaze. 

"Um, my sister," she said, slipping the device in her pocket. 

"I didn't know you had one."

She nodded absentminded, feeling a warm glow creep up to her cheeks. "She lives on the other side of the country." Quickly she stood up. Was she seeing spooks now or did Juice look suspicious? "You got your stuff?"

"Enough for the next days," he muttered. "After that we'll see."

A shiver crept down her spine as he turned around. Her heart was racing in her chest, so wildly it hurt. Maybe it was because she had just spoken to Maddox, who was always poisoning her mind and scaring her, but suddenly Juice didn't seem as loving as he had been earlier today. 


	40. Juice

Juice was sitting on a swing, slowly moving his feet forward and backward. His eyes were aimed at the letter which he had found in his mailbox. 

_Dear brother,_

_I'm sorry for asking mom to bring you Mikey. Believe  me when I say I didn't see another possibility. I don't know what your life looks like those days, maybe you even have a family yourself. But I know Mikey will be safe around you_ _– and I don't need to explain to you why he wouldn't be safe with mom. I'm sorry for burdening you with my shit. I hope that you're well and happy._

_I miss you, Juan. There are many things I'd like to say to you, but I can't find the right words yet. I hope we can restore our relationship once I'm out again._

_I love you,  
Suzie_

Juice glanced up and looked around the playground. Mikey rushed down a slide, clumsily landed on the ground and got on his feet again, where after he waddled back to the stairs. Juice blinked his eyes to get rid of the blur. The letter felt so surreal. 

Right after he had fled from Queens, they had called each other a few times. In the end he had decided that it was too dangerous for the both of them to stay in contact, and with the promise that he would let her know when things were safe again, she had agreed to drop contact. 

He had never fulfilled that promise. His life in Queens had been pushed to the background, the dangers waiting there for him nothing but memories of a dark nightmare. He had never called Suzie  _–_ afraid that he would awake old demons. It was a period in his life that was far in the past, but this letter showed him how tough things had been for his sister and now he felt ashamed for neglecting their relationship. He shoved the letter into his pocket, intending to answer it soon  _–_ she had written down her contact information on the back. Maybe he could even visit her one day, together with the boy. 

"Let's go back," he told Mikey. 

One last time his nephew went down the slide, then he ran towards Juice and grabbed his hand. "We're going to eat? I'm hungry." He rubbed his stomach.

Juice lifted the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, I'm sure aunt Lotte made us something delicious."

There was a nasty feeling in his stomach at the mentioning of Lotte's name. Since he had interrupted her phone call, his thoughts were itching inside his head. She had looked like he had walked in on something  _–_ or was that just his imagination? Maybe he was getting paranoid. But still... The last time he had ignored his intuition, it had led to Dana's abduction. Again he felt the urge rise to look into Lotte's family, to see if there really was a sister whose existence she had never mentioned. Sure, it could be  _–_ he had never told her about his sister either. Even Dana and he had only talked a few times about his family. 

But still... Looking into his own girlfriend felt so wrong. Then he would give in to his distrust, to the power Maddox was still holding over him. 

Nevertheless the unrest kept gnawing. It had been her suggestion to go to the playground with Mikey. Juice had been too deep in thoughts to have a serious conversation with the kid and he was glad that he knew how to enjoy himself. But had there been a reason that she had wanted them out of the house? Did she want to finish that call? 

Suppressing a sigh, he tried to shake off his distrust. 

* * *

Juice and Mikey walked around the house to the backyard since Juice lacked a key of the house. As soon as he opened the garden door, his eyes widened. The whole garden was filled with people and there were colorful streamers between the trees. The moment the crowd became aware of them, his brothers and a group of croweaters started to cheer. Shyly, Mikey pressed his face against Juice's leg, and he lifted the boy and put him on his hip. 

"The hell is this?" he asked overwhelmed. 

Lotte made her way through the crowd and kissed his lips. "It's a little welcome home party. For you and for Mikey." Her eyes held his. "And because of our new start, but nobody needs to know that," she whispered. 

Juice felt the heat rise to his cheeks. The past two hours he had thought a lot of shitty things about her while she had been organizing  _this_ for him. Ashamed, he stroked her back as she turned around and together with Mikey he followed her. He put down the boy around Jax and Opie's kids and felt that he was getting emotional again. He still barely had a hold over his emotions, causing him to take a few deep breaths as he watched how the kids and the other guests showered Mikey with welcome home presents. Every time the boy opened another box, his smile grew. 

Juice pressed a kiss to his head and headed inside, walking past the barbecue. Lotte was busy in the kitchen and smiled at him as he neared her. 

"So it wasn't your sister who you were calling?" he asked.

"No, I just couldn't come up with a better excuse, I didn't want to tell you that I was calling Kozik to organize a last minute surprise party. 

Relief washed over him. On a whim he pushed her against the fridge and pressed her lips on hers. After an intense kiss he leaned with his forehead against hers, feeling immensely grateful. 

"I don't know how to thank you, Lotte. For everything you've done for me  _–_ and for what you're doing for Mikey now. You're an amazing woman."

Her fingertips brushed the stubble on his cheeks as she looked at him with a warm smile. "The three of us will be alright. I promise you that you will feel happy again, even if you have to take little steps."

He closed his eyes while leaning into her. "I love you," he whispered. 

It hurt to admit, even when he knew that his feelings for Lotte didn't change a thing about the love he felt for Dana. He however couldn't deny that Lotte was sweet beyond words and he didn't want to think of the mess his life would have been without her. 

As he opened his eyes again, he saw tears in hers. Once more he realized how little he had given her compared to what he had taken from her. 

"I love you too," she said softly, her fingertips stroking his cheek as their lips connected again. Tenderly they melted together in a kiss full of hope and gratefulness. 


	41. Dana

 

_Three months later_

His hands felt cold against her stomach. 

"It's unbelievable that something is growing in there. Something of you and me."

 _Something of Kip and me, you mean._ Dana however kept that thought to herself. Two weeks ago she had discovered that she was pregnant again. Until a few minutes ago, she had only told Kip – she had wanted to share the moment with him; now he was still around. 

Although they had seen it coming, they had both cried when the pregnancy test showed the positive result. During the days after they had still been intimate, sharing their love a little longer, knowing that it would be over the moment that Maddox found out she was pregnant.

She however hadn't dared to wait much longer. Maddox was still blind to her feelings for Kip and she was afraid of what would happen if he found out that she had purposely waited with telling him the truth about the baby so she could spend more time with Kip. 

"Yeah..." Her voice sounded fragile. She didn't want him to touch her, she didn't want him anywhere near the baby.

Maddox pulled back his hand, glancing up to her. "You don't sound very happy, Dana."

She heard the indignation in his voice, although she had gotten used to that. "I'm afraid, Maddox. You murdered my last child in front of my eyes. You can't control yourself when you're angry, and I fear for the fate of this baby."

His face seemed to soften a bit. Lifting his hand, he stroked her cheek. "You don't have to be afraid, my love. This child is mine. I already explained that to you. I already love it." His fingers glided underneath her shirt again, touching her stomach in a tender way. He created the impression that he could already feel a heartbeat, while there wasn't even the smallest hint of a bump. 

"You love me too," she whispered. "But that doesn't keep you from hurting me."

Maddox's face grew dark. Dana knew she was on thin ice now, but if he really believed that they could live like a normal family, they needed transparency.

"You know that's an act of love, Dana." His voice sounded stern, like he was talking to a little child. "You have always been a rebel. All I do, is give you a little bit of guidance."

She tried not to roll her eyes and kept silent, making him think that she agreed with his stupid beliefs. 

"But I also reward good behavior, you know that. I will keep my promise and take your friend to Charming."

"What? Now?!" Baffled, Dana stared at him. For some reason she had believed that Kip would stay with her until the end of her pregnancy. 

"Of course. He fulfilled his duty, didn't he?"

Her breathing sped up. She hadn't seen this coming – the had thought that she would never see Kip again after today. She had been convinced that he would be around to support her in the tough months that were in front of her – and maybe she had never truly believed that Maddox would  _really_ set him free. 

Despite the knowledge that his departure would tear her to pieces, she knew it was for the best. He could go back to his old life, to his brothers. Furthermore, they would no longer risk the chance that Maddox would pick up on their feelings – and she also believed it would help Maddox to love the child if the biological father wasn't around. 

So yes, it was a wise decision, but the thought that she would lose Kip and that she would be alone with Maddox for the rest of her life, ripped up her soul. 

"Go tell him the good news. I'll make sure the boat is ready."

A nasty feeling nestled inside her. He really was in a hurry...

* * *

Kip looked up when she opened the door, rushed inside and threw her arms around his neck. 

"Wow, calm down," he chuckled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and kissing her lips, smiling. It felt so familiar that it caused a shiver down her spine. This would be the last time...

His smile faded as he caught the look in her eyes. "What's going on?"

"You can leave." Suddenly a tear dripped down her cheek, and she buried her face against his shoulder. "Sorry. I'm happy you can finally leave this shitty island. But the thought that I might never see you again rips out my heart."

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, holding her for a while. "No matter how horrible it has been here; if me staying here wouldn't have jeopardized the life of our child, I would have stayed with you."

_Our child._

Once again, the father wouldn't be there when she gave birth. Again she was separated from someone she loved. It all felt like a déjà vu; she had hoped she'd never have to go through this again. 

"I love you," she said quietly. It wasn't the first time they told each other those words, but it felt like she had never been so confident about them as she was right now. 

"I love you too." He pulled her a little closer, kissing her forehead. "I will find you."

"No." Dana took a deep breath and grabbed his hands. "Our child will be in danger if you try to find us. No matter how horrible we feel; he or she is more important than us."

Softly sighing, he leaned with his forehead against hers. "You're right. God I hate that you're right. It's no longer about us."

"One day I will find a way to get away from here," she whispered. "But I can't do that before he lets his guard down and before I'm 100% sure that I will succeed. That will probably take years." She laid a hand against his cheek. "Don't wait for me. Don't make the same mistakes Juice made, but be there for each other like brothers are supposed to do and try to go back to your old lives, before I rushed into that clubhouse. 

"You know that's impossible, Dane. We are not the same people anymore, too much has happened."

Dana heard footsteps in the hallway, and quickly she stepped back. His words echoed through the room, giving her an ominous feeling. Before Maddox could enter the room, Kip already walked to the door. The two men nodded at each other, she thought to see suspicion on both faces. 

"I'm ready to go," Kip said shortly. "Don't have any luggage."

Maddox said nothing and led them to the dock. Surrounded by armed men, Kip pulled Dana in his arms one more time.

"You're strong, Dane," he whispered. "It's his love for you that allows me to leave now. One day he will let you go too."

For a second she was terrified that he would kiss her, but in the end he only pressed his lips against her forehead. 

"I love you," she whispered once again. "But tell Juice... Tell Juice that I love him too."

He showed her a hint of a smile. "He already knows. But I will tell him."

For the last time she pulled Kip close, closing her eyes, memorizing the pressure of his body against hers, breathing in his scent once more. 

He stroked her cheek, then he raised his voice. "Take care of your child. This is your chance on a good life Dana, on a loving family. Grasp it with both of your hands."

She knew that he only said that to flatter Maddox, but his words hurt nonetheless. Her eyes flashed aside to the man, who handed something to the skipper. 

"Goodbye my love," he whispered. 

Then Kip went on board, and the engine was started. Maddox showed up next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. In silence they watched the boat disappear. With every second passing by, it felt like Dana's heart was feeling heavier. 

She looked op to the man standing next to her. There was a sinister grin on his face – one that made all the little hairs in her neck and arms stand up straight. Suddenly feeling sick, she stepped away from him. 

"What did you do?" Her voice cracked. 

There was a cold glance in his eyes. "I just took a precaution. Nothing you need to worry about."

"You promised to set him free! You promised to keep him alive!" 

Anxiously she held her breathe, she expected a distant gun shot any moment.

"I will keep him alive, Dana. Wipe those tears away, there's no reason to cry."

"But what  _did_ you do?!"

"Nothing you need to worry about," he repeated – this time in a threatening voice. "Trust, my love. That's still a difficult concept for you, hmm?"

"It is when you are clearly keeping things from me!"

He glared at her. "Are you saying that I'm the only one keeping secrets?"

Her cheeks started to glow. Did he know about Kip and her? She no longer dared to say anything. Instead, she bent her head and rushed towards the house, Maddox's sinister smirk vividly in her mind. 

She should have known there had to be a catch, that he wouldn't let Kip leave just like that! Tears of frustration dripped down her cheeks. And there was nothing she could do to find out what Maddox had done – or what he planned to do before the day would meet its end.


	42. Juice

It felt surreal to see his sister after all these years. When he left Queens, she had been around her twenties. Now she was nearing her forties. Although she had always stayed young in his imagination, it now seemed like time had caught her. Her cheeks were hollow, her glance exhausted – although her eyes lit up when Mikey and he entered the visitor hall. Briefly they hugged each other; she took a little more time to pull Mikey close. The boy didn't understand the situation all too well and more than once Juice had tried to explain to him why he could no longer live with his mom. Right now he didn't seem to care too much; patiently he answered all Suzie's questions about his new home and his new friends. After ten minutes he got bored, and Juice handed him two toy cars to play with. 

Juice didn't know what to say. He himself had been in jail two times so he knew how things were, but he had always been in the company of some of his brothers. Suzie however was all alone,  and even though she had no enemies since she wasn't tied to the Sons, he doubted this was paradise for her. 

"How you're holdin' up?" he eventually asked in a soft voice. From the corner of his eye he looked to the side, but Mikey was in his own little world.

"I manage." She sighed, with watery eyes looking at her son. "I just miss him so much. Are you really okay with looking after him?"

"I'm fine, don't worry. He's a good kid." He dropped his eyes for a moment, thinking about his own daughter who would have been almost six months by now. 

"How are you?"

The past months they had been writing each other a lot. After some hesitation, he had told her about Dana and that she was abducted – and in the letters that followed, everything had just came out. It never had been his intention to put her up with his shit, but it had given him so much peace to write it all down and let it read by a person who wasn't club related.

"I'm okay," he answered. He really was. He couldn't call himself happy – how could he, as long as Dana was held captive? – but he had gotten his life together. He had found his place in the club again, the work at the garage kept him busy and things went well between Lotte and him. "I'm glad that he's around," he said softly, looking to the side again. "Sometimes it is hard because of Tabitha... but I believe that my responsibility regards him keeps me sane, it keeps me from grabbing the bottle. I think I need that," he muttered.

Suzie showed him an understanding smile. 

For some time they kept chatting – about serious and less serious matters – until visiting hour was over. 

"We gotta go kid. Give mommy a big hug," he said to Mikey, squeezing his shoulder. 

With wide, confused eyes the boy looked at him. "Is mommy not coming with us?"

There was a dull pain in his stomach as he shook his head. "No kid. She gotta stay here a little longer."

"Why can't we stay too? I want to stay with mommy." He started to rub his eyes, tears trickled down his cheeks. 

With an uneasy feeling Juice watched the kid, not knowing what to say or do. He hadn't been sure that it was smart to take Mikey with him, but he neither wanted to keep him away from his mother for five years. 

Suzie knelt in front of her son so she could look him in the eye. "Mommy did something wrong. She did it to protect you, but it was still wrong. That's why she needs to stay here, to make things right. But as soon as she can go home, she'll pick you up Mikey. Until then, you can stay with uncle Juan a little longer."

Sniffling he breathed in, then he nodded and reached for Juice's hand.

"I'm proud of ya, little man," Juice smiled as the boy wiped the tears off his cheeks and squared his shoulders, something he tend to do more often those days – making him wonder if he was copying that behavior from him. 

He kissed his sister's cheek, then they left the hall. 

It was a long way back to Charming, and halfway they spent the night in a hotel. Mikey was quiet, but Juice had the feeling it was because he felt tired and not so much because he was feeling sad – although the situation definitely sucked.

* * *

When he came home, they had dinner with Lotte, where after she put Mikey in bed. Juice went to the clubhouse, he was in the mood to spend some time with the others, hopefully the tight feeling in his chest would go away. 

Together with Bobby and two guys who were just done prospecting he enjoyed a game of pool, and for a brief moment everything seemed to be like in the old days. That illusion was not even broken by Unser when he entered the clubhouse – he used to stop by to tip them off all the time. 

However, the moment Juice saw the person who was standing next to him, looking around with wide confused eyes, the cue dropped out of his hand and clattered on the ground. 

"Sack?" he whispered, completely bewildered. Immediately he ran towards the door and looked around the lot. His heart was racing in his chest. Dana – was Dana there too??

In the middle of the parking lot he stood still. There was nobody there – she hadn't come back. Breathing heavily he turned back to Sack, who stared past him with an empty look in his eyes. Juice grabbed his arm. 

"Where is she?" he snapped. 

The man stared him in the eye, confusion radiating from his face. Then he pulled back his arm, looking irritated. 

"He doesn't know, Juice," Unser sighed. "One hour ago someone dropped him off at the office. He doesn't know where he has been the past months. He doesn't remember anything at all. Not even his own name."


	43. Kip

Kip. Edward Kip Epps. 

That was his name – that was all he knew. But only because a cop had just told him that. He didn't feel anything about it, it had no meaning to him. Although there were only a few thoughts crossing his mind, there still seemed to be too much of them. He didn't know what to think. What to feel. Where he was.  _Who_ he was. 

Who all those men around him were. 

And why that guy with the mohawk was yelling at him. 

Juice – that was what the cop had called him. Was that name supposed to ring a bell? Apparently he was supposed to know him – but Kip was convinced that he had never seen that man before. Staggering he turned away from the crowd and stumbled to a bar stool. His legs felt stiff, like he had been sitting on his knees for hours. 

There was no way to tell if he had really done so. He remembered a few flashes of green, as if they had been driving through fields of grass. Then he had found himself in the middle of a strange town, and after freaking out someone had taken him to the police station. 

And now he was here. In a smokey place smelling like beer and where dozens of half-naked women were walking around. He noted that he didn't mind to watch them, making him assume that he was straight. Again a little bit of information about himself. Had he a girlfriend? Someone who had missed him during the months that he apparently had been missing? 

He looked up when a heavy hand landed on his shoulder. "You gotta go to the hospital kid."

* * *

In the hospital they didn't find much. His blood levels were a little odd which they would delve into, and he had lost a lot of weight, but there was no need to stay. So he returned to what turned out to be the clubhouse of a motorclub where he flopped down on the couch. He could feel someone's scorching gaze, and when he looked over his shoulder he recognized the man who had been so angry with him. His dark look gave him the feeling that he blamed him for losing his memory, as if he had done that on purpose. 

He nodded gratefully to the man who had introduced himself as Kozik and took a glass of water from him. His stomach was upset, he doubted he could keep something else inside. He stared at his knees, not knowing what to say. 

"So... I guess I am Kip," he muttered after a while, hoping that saying that name out loud would do something to him – but it didn't. 

"We called you Half Sack."

Frowning, he looked up. What kind of name was that? "Why?"

The man shrugged his shoulders. "You only got one ball."

Kip bent his head, as if he could see right through his jeans if that was true. He hadn't studied himself that well – he actually had no idea what he looked like. "Where can I find a mirror?"

Kozik stood up and led him to a room behind the clubhouse. "This was your room, even though you didn't use it very often."

There was a man-sized mirror on the wall and he walked towards it. Confused blue eyes stared back. Blonde hair stuck to his head, a wild beard was taking half of his pale face from sight. With trembling fingertips he touched his face. 

"How old am I?" he muttered. 

"Twenty-four."

Kip heaved a sigh. For some reason he felt much older. He sat down on the edge of the bed, not being in the mood to return to the noisy clubhouse. 

"Who is Dana?" he asked after a while. Since that guy had freaked out because he didn't know where Dana was, her name was racing through his head. It felt like a memory was itching in his skull, but there was no way to reach it. 

Kozik sat down next to him. "Around two and a half year ago she came to the clubhouse. She's the little sister of one of your brothers; Happy. He's in jail." The man seemed to search for words. "She was on the run from her ex. Together with Juice – the guy with the mohawk – they found shelter in Mexico. Dana was his girlfriend. Or still is." He briefly shrugged his shoulders. "After more than a year her ex found her and took her. Since then, we haven't seen her."

Kip stared at the ground. Not a single word of what he had said, called up a memory. "And that ex took me too?" Confused he aimed his glance at the biker again. "Why?"

Kozik sighed. "I think you should rest."

"Why did he take me?" Kip repeated. There was a strange knot in his stomach. He didn't want to sleep, he couldn't imagine he would fall asleep at all as long as he felt this confused. 

"I think to pressure her. You two were friends."

Kip felt that the man was keeping something from him. Furthermore, he saw the pain in his eyes when he talked about that Dana. "You were her friend too. So why did he chose me?"

With a sigh, Kozik leaned back. Before he could answer, the door was slammed open and someone rushed into the room. 

"Juice..." Kozik objected. "He knows nothing, he..."

The man ignored him, his jaw clenched, his shoulders broad. With a thud a pile of pictures landed on his lap. 

"Look at her. For a fuckin' year you've been the only one who has seen her. There must be  _something_  you remember! The climate, the race of the guards, the name of a boat or the helicopter or whatever vehicle they used to get you here!"

In silence Kip watched the pictures. There was radiating so much anger from that man's face that it was hard to recognize him in the guy on the pictures. There he saw a young man showing a smile that created the impression that it was impossible to wipe it ever off his face. His eyes rested upon the girl. 

She was really beautiful, he thought. Without realizing, his thumb stroked her cheek. There were no images popping up, but there was this warm feeling that bubbled up. Yeah, deep down he was convinced that he knew her, but every route to that knowledge seemed to be blocked. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" Juice grunted, tearing the pictures away from him. "Don't touch her like that."

"Juice," Kozik said in a stern voice. "It's just a picture."

"Just a picture? That's the only fucking thing that's left of her!" he yelled. "That fucking asshole over there has been with her for a  _year_ and now he's pretending he lost his memories? That's fucking bullshit man! Shit like that only happens in movies, there ain't such thing as wipin' memories in real life!" Suddenly Juice grabbed his collar and pulled him on his feet. Intense, dark eyes stared at him, full of hatred. "This another one of his stupid games? He made you act like you remember shit to prevent that that fucking bitch of yours is gonna be cut to pieces?! Well guess what, she deserves all the pain of the world and you  _know it_!" He spit in Kip's face. 

"That's enough!" Kozik jumped up, dragging the flipped out man away from Kip. "Go home, Juice. He can't give us any information about Dana, maybe his memories will return later."

Past Kozik, Juice gave him a venomous stare. "When I find out you're really fakin' this, I will rip you open and jam your guts down your throat, you got that?!"

A shiver crept down Kip's spine. He was so overwhelmed that he couldn't utter a word. 

Only when the door slammed shut, he dared to exhale. 


	44. Juice

He didn't want to cry. 

He didn't want to shed another tear because of that sick son of a bitch. He however had to do  _something_ with all the emotions raging through his body, and the moment he entered the house he grabbed a vase off the table and smashed it against the wall. Furiously he breathed out, all his muscles burning because he felt so tensed. The next thing his grabby hands found was the candy bowl, which met the same fate. 

"Juice!!!"

Two hands pushed against his chest. The only thing he could see, was a dark haze and before he knew it, his fingers were squeezing the soft flesh of someone's throat.

A hand slapped his cheek, dragging him out of himself.  The shadows were replaced by a face, and the moment he recognized Lotte he let go of her and stumbled backwards. 

"Fuck. Sorry. Sorry baby."

And there they were nonetheless – those fucking tears. 

She rubbed her throat, glaring at him. "You can't do this Juice. Next time go to your own house when you're having a tantrum. Imagine Mikey had been in the room!"

Shame made his cheeks glow, and the anger faded. He had been raised in a violent home, was he really on his way to do the same to his nephew? Tears stung in his eyes again, and he blinked them away. He refused to cry again. It wouldn't help him anyway.

He cast his girlfriend an apologetic glance and started to pick up the shards of the vase and bowl. 

"Let me clean it up." Softly, she squeezed his shoulder. "Take a shower and tell me what happened when you're done. Okay?"

She talked to him like she used to talk to Mikey which annoyed him. Nevertheless he headed to the bathroom, took off his clothes and got into the shower cabin. He turned the water so hot his back was burning, his skin becoming red, but he forced himself to swallow the pain, helping him to control his breathing again. As he left the shower, he could think a little more straight. He put on sweatpants, forgot about a shirt and sat down on the couch, next to Lotte. Not too close, for he didn't know if she wanted to touch him after what he had just done. When she however cuddled up to him and laid her hand in his, he felt relieved. With questioning eyes, she looked up to him. 

"Sack is back," he sighed. For a moment his fingers squeezed, but not in a way that it would hurt her. "But he can't remember anything."

"Jeez." A shocked expression crossed her face. "Other than that – is he okay? Healthy?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't paid any attention to it. The fact that he had returned without Dana, had been the only thing on his mind.

"He's had a rough time Juice," Lotte said softly. "You have been a little understanding, right? You know that horrible things happened to him."

"He doesn't remember them anyway," he grunted. Bowing back his head until it was leaning on the backrest, he stared at the ceiling. "He doesn't remember her. At least that's what he says." Slowly, the suspicion was gurgling underneath his skin again. "You think something like that exists? A way to erase someone's memory? What if he's faking it?"

"If it's exists, it's illegal. And if there's someone who knows his way around the underworld, it's Maddox."

Juice bent forward, staring at his hands. "What if he erased  _her_ memory too? If she doesn't know me anymore? If she forgets about all the things he has done to her?" He pressed his lips together and blinked fiercely. Those fucking tears.

"Would that really be that horrible?" she asked softly. "If she no longer remembers the rapes, if she can forget about seeing her daughter being murdered? If she no longer has to miss you?"

"But who are we without our memories, Lotte? We're no one. We might just as well be dead. I wouldn't want to lose them, no matter how horrible some things are. But not remembering her at all..." Quietly, he shook his head. "I'd rather wish she would die than being brainwashed."

He shut his eyes for a moment. Those words hurt. Nevertheless he caught himself wishing she was dead more and more often. He just wanted her suffering to be over. Especially now she had lost her only friend, he just wanted her to find peace.

Lotte turned a little, lying a hand on his back and slowly rubbing it up and down. "But you don't know if the damage is permanent. Maybe Sack's memories will return."

"I can't imagine," Juice huffed. "Half measures ain't his thing." He stared forward for a while, barely feeling Lotte's touch; he felt cold and numb. 

The hope that had flared up when he had seen Sack, had been indescribable; the disappointment afterwards so enormous that something had died inside him. 

"I wonder if it's real or that he's just pretending. I can see Maddox threatening him to hurt Cherry if he doesn't dance to his tune."

"I haven't seen him," she answered softly. "Did he look nervous? Was there a reason to assume that he was faking it?"

No – but it was much better than the alternative. 

That Maddox really had the means to wipe someone's memory, and that he would do the same to Dana.


	45. Maddox

The idea to erase Dana's memory had crossed his mind many times. The problem however was that she would lose  _all_ her memories – and then she would no longer be his Dana. He loved her as she was, but without her memories her character would change. Furthermore, the stuff wasn't that long in circulation and the long term side effects hadn't been mapped out yet. He couldn't care less about the influence it would have on Kip, but Dana... No, he didn't want to expose her to any danger. 

From a distance he watched her. She was sitting on the beach, staring at the sea, as she often did since she was here. Being so deep in thoughts she looked sad, and the sight of it cut through his heart. 

He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to like it around here. 

Now and then he even considered to bring her back to Charming, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He knew himself well enough to know he would regret letting her go. Then he would start looking for her and take her away from her friends again. And then she would have to undergo the same pain. 

He no longer blamed her for leaving him. 

He mainly blamed himself for having been so immersed in his business that he had neglected her, that he hadn't noticed how her love for him had died. Still he believed that she had truly loved him, and that that love was still there; buried somewhere deep inside her. He just had to find a way to reach it. Hopefully their child would be a first step. 

Maddox sat down next to her in the sand. Something he had never done before. The last time he had sat on the ground at all had to be in his early childhood. Dirt on his clothes had always been abominating. 

He didn't say a word as he stared into the distance as well. He had seen her sit with Kip like this, without the two of them talking. For some reason their friendship had grown into something more too. Dana had been trying to hide it from him, but he had been aware of it, every time she had been with Kip. Her cheeks had been rosy, her eyes shining. 

He had never hated Kip for it. He had no doubt that the man had tried to fight his feelings, but Maddox couldn't imagine there were straight guys who  _wouldn't_ fall for her after sleeping with her so many times. 

After a short hesitation, his shoved his hand across hers, very lightly, so she could pull it away if she wanted. She didn't respond, but she neither seemed to get sick of his touch. He leaned a little to the right and pulled some copies out of his pocket, handing them to her. "He's fine."

Dana looked up. She unfolded the papers and looked at the pictures Lotte had taken for him. Since Kip had left the island, Dana's face had been grim and he didn't want her to keep worrying.

"I... I don't understand," she muttered. "You acted like you were going to hurt him."

"I only said I took precautions. Which I did. I told him that I would find his girlfriend if he put his friends on the right course to find us. I doubt he has any information, but it's better if he doesn't try too hard to find you. He has to forget about you. They all have to forget about you."

Dana glanced briefly at him before she aimed her eyes at the sea again. Did she believe him? There weren't many things he had lied about. But admitting that he had taken Kip's memories away? She would hate him for it. And she already hated him enough.

He listened to the breaking of the waves, which kept coming endlessly. After a while he laid a hand against her cheek so she looked up. 

"I hope you can put it to rest now, Dana. I want you to smile again. You're having our baby, it should fill you with joy."

She turned her head away from him and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I feel lonely. You are always working. I miss them. Kip. Cherry. Opie. Juice. My brother."

Maddox didn't know what to answer. He could track down Cherry, but he knew Dana would never want her friend to live in captivity, no matter what she had done. 

"I can work less. Spend more time with you."

That wouldn't be that hard. One of the reasons he spend so much time in the office, was because he felt awkward around her. But if she  _wanted_ his company...

"And then what?" She sighed. "You wanna play board games? Video games? You'll play basketball with me, do archery? In all those years I have not the slightest idea how you relax, apart from having fancy dinners and sex."

Maddox bowed his head. He had always found himself too good for those things, but now he realized that he didn't even know how to spend time with his girlfriend. Had she done those things with Juan Carlos? With Kip? Was that the reason she had developed feelings for them, because they'd had  _fun_? 

"Tomorrow afternoon I will take the day off. Then you can decide what we will do, okay?" He leaned towards her, laying a kiss on her temple before he scrambled on his feet. 

She looked up to him and he showed her a genuine smile. 

She didn't smile back, but Maddox refused to be discouraged by it. 

They would work things out. Soulmates always forgave each other, no matter how hard it was. That just happened when you were made for each other – it was the only way for them to be truly happy. 

Eventually, Dana would be happy too. They would both be happy. 

Together, with their little one. 


	46. Dana

_Two months later_

Dana had never heard him sing – and she had never expected to hear him sing. 

Still, he was really sitting next to her on the couch, a microphone of the WII in his hand while he tried to sing along with Smells Like Teen Spirit. 

Doing karaoke with your kidnapper.

It was fucking ridiculous. Nevertheless, Dana had seen another side of Maddox the past months; one she doubted anyone else had ever seen – himself included. She felt how it was confusing him – having fun just was something he was unfamiliar with. Especially in such an informal way. By now he had freed himself of his inhibitions a few times, letting go of the image he was always clinging to. At those moments, he seemed to be a completely different person. 

"It's your turn to choose a song."

"You surprise me," she said, shaking her head. "I'd never expected to hear a single note from you, let alone wanting to sing more than one song."

He shrugged his shoulders, a little embarrassed and Dana regretted her words. She didn't want him to go back to his shell. 

She flipped through the rock songs and smirked as she saw Paradise City. "We can do this one together," she grinned. "We've listened to that song so many times it's crazy." She configured both of the microphones, stood up and pulled him on his feet as soon as the music started to play. 

It didn't take long before they were both headbanging. Dana tried some impossible high voices while she looked at him from the side, making funny faces. 

It made him laugh – and for a few moments she stared baffled at him. 

Had she ever heard him laugh? Sure, she had seen his smiles; both dark and friendly ones, but hearing his laughter? She couldn't remember. The corners of her mouth curled up as he stretched his own vocal cords hitting the next notes. It sounded out of tune, but he didn't seem to care and neither did she. 

His smiling eyes made her hold her breath for a while, and she caught herself wishing the song took longer to end. The next one was Paradise by the Dashboard Lights, and to her surprise Maddox still made no attempt to stop. 

Dana didn't know what exactly happened. When they were both joking around during the chorus she wrapped an arm around his waist and once he looked down, she kissed him. This time she wasn't disgusted, and when his hands glided up her neck she didn't feel the urge to turn her head away. 

It just felt like this man was someone else than the one who had caused her so much pain. As his hands glided underneath her shirt she held her breath, and he took a little distance to look her in the eye. He had never cared about her reaction to his touches, but this time he did. She nodded eagerly, pulling his shirt over his head. A soft sigh escaped her lips as they sat down on the couch, Dana straddled on his lap. As his lips explored her neck, she bent back her head. His hands glided across her baby bump while her fingers stroked his inked skin, and his hands climbed higher until he unhooked her bra. 

Another sigh escaped her lips as he took her breasts in his hands and started to knead them. As his lips closed around her nipple and started to suck, she buried her nails in his shoulders. Pushing him on his back on the couch she started to unbuckle his pants, kissing her way down. 

A little later she lowered herself on top of him. For the first time she was excited enough to feel no pain when he entered her, and he clung to her as she moved her hips. 

"Oh baby," he moaned. "This feels so... good. You're so hot."

Her breathing faltered. There were other images trying to break through the wall she had built around her memories, but she ignored them. She didn't want to think about Juice. Nor about Kip. Nor about all the times Maddox had forced her to have sex. 

This was someone else, she told herself. This wasn't the person who had murdered her child, who had raped her, who had forced her to kill her friend. He was mentally ill – there were two persons inside one body and this one... this one she liked. This one she could love. This one she had to  _learn_ to love. 

The thoughts faded as he started to massage her breasts again, not as roughly as he had done in the past, but in a tender way. She sped up her pace until he lifted her up. His legs were shaking as he stepped away from the couch and backed her up against the wall. 

"I want you to cum first," he panted. With one hand he lifted her leg a little higher while thrusting deep inside her. She had wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips pressed against his hair. Softly moaning she closed her eyes, surrendering herself – and for the first time she didn't fake an orgasm.

He came right after her. Both feeling a little weak because of the heavy release, they laid down on the couch a little later, their bare bodies sticking together. 

"I love you," he muttered against her sweaty skin. 

Dana didn't want to lie to him at this moment, so she didn't return the words. To be honest, she had no idea what she felt. She still hated him – she would always hate him. This was just an attempt to gain his trust, to make things as comfortable for herself as she could. 

And still that wasn't the full truth. This version of him – it did something to her. It called up more feelings than just the urge to strangle him. 

 


	47. Maddox

It was no whim, nor did Maddox have the feeling that she was playacting. Of course he kept that possibility in mind, but during the weeks following their karaoke adventure, he saw a change in her. Never completely – always partially. As if a part of her kept hating him persistently and another part of her was slowly letting go of her dark feelings. 

He knew how it felt to have an inner conflict. The change he saw in himself, hadn't escaped his attention. On the moments they were laughing together he felt... happy. A little uncomfortable because it felt like he had lost control, but it wasn't suffocating him. There was something special between them. He had always known that, but now he truly believed that Dana was starting to feel it too. Maybe some day she would be able to forgive him. 

As he was thinking back to the past weeks, he leaned on his elbow and watched her sleeping face. She looked so peaceful. Before he realized what he was doing, he stroked her soft cheek with the back of his fingers. Tinglings shot through his hand and he held his breathe. She made him feel so... alive.

Her eyes fluttered open. In the dusk she looked for his eyes. For a while she studied his face, as if she was looking for something. In the end she seemed to have found whatever she had been looking for, for she cuddled up to him and pressed her lips against his chin. He wrapped an arm around her.

"Why are you awake?" she asked with a sleepy voice. 

"You're more beautiful than whatever dream."

She rolled her eyes, although a slight smirk crossed her face. After a while it faded, and she heaved a sigh that made the little hairs in his neck rise. 

"What is it?"

She shoved an arm underneath her head as she looked at him. Her fingers laced with his. "All this feels so... ridiculous. I should hate you. I  _do_ hate you. But still... I have feelings for you. For a part of you. Sometimes you just seem to have two personalities."

Maddox didn't know what to answer. He experienced the same feeling. That soft side, the side she liked, was new. One he kept secret from the rest of the world, something he saved for her and their future child. While doing business he had to be ruthless, as soon as people started to think that he was weak it would destroy him. 

"I thought uh... Maybe we can think of another name for you? I will always hate Maddox, so I will also hate you as a person. But the hatred... it's wearing me out. It makes me unhappy. So I thought... if I call you different when you're like this... things will get easier for me. I hope."

She didn't look at him. Maddox rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. There was a nasty feeling in his stomach. "You mean like Smeagol and Gollum? Is that how you see me? A monster and the ghost of the person that monster used to be?"

"I don't wanna see that monster anymore," she said quietly. "I want it to die."

For a long time he was silent as he contemplated her words. "You think I'm insane?" he asked after a while. "That I have some mental illness?"

"You think you haven't?" she asked. 

Her answer made the anger flare up; he wanted to raise his hand and beat the shit out of her because of it. He however resisted the longing and took a few deep breaths until the anger melted away. 

"You think it's normal to lock up your ex at an island? To make her murder her friend? To kill little babies and send their bodies to their fathers?"

"I did it because I love you. Because I want to be with you."

"That doesn't make it normal. Or healthy." Her hand glided away from his. "Yes, I do think you have a psychiatric disorder. Maybe even more than one."

He had expected the cold to creep back into his body, but it didn't. He appreciated her honesty. And well – it wasn't out of the blue. He knew he had done things he never should have done, but at those moments his conscience had been silent. His actions had felt nothing but logical, justified. He had always been that way and he knew that would never change. He didn't even know if he  _wanted_ to change. He had achieved a great deal, he was satisfied with himself. She was his weak spot and here, where they were alone, he didn't mind. But outside the island... he needed to be hard, needed to be immune to the pain of others. For that was what his whole existence was built upon. Empathy had always been foreign to him – she was the only one who could elicit such feelings. And that was conflicting – it always had been. 

"You feel pity for me?" he asked. "Is that the reason you stay with me?"

She let out a disbelieving sound, something between a huff and a cynical laugh. "I stay with you because you have locked me up. Because I have no choice."

He suppressed a sigh. He hated it. That she wouldn't stay with him if he gave her a choice. He wanted her to choose to be with him, he didn't want to lock her up at all. But then he would lose her.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. "I wish I could give you that choice, but I can't. I would regret it and all this would start over. I can't do that to you again." His hand glided across her baby bump. "And our child... our child will need its father. We will stick together. The three of us. Forever."

"I know that, Maddox. That's why I try to deal with this whole fucked-up situation. That distinction between your dark and light side... I need that to stop hating you, so I don't feel the need to stab you in the neck, every time I'm buttering my bread." She laid a hand on his hip and rolled him forward, so he was lying on his side again and she could look him in the eye. "That's why I brought it up. If I can... name your light side, I might be able to tore it away from all those dark memories. Then you will no longer be Maddox... then you will be someone else. Someone with whom I can laugh, with whom I can talk without being strangled, whose touches don't chill me to the bone. Leave Maddox in that office of yours, I'm not allowed to go in anyway. And outside that room... just be someone else. The person you are now, who is such a contrast to the man who murdered my baby girl."

Maddox thought about her words, tried to understand them. Maybe it would help him too. Distinguishing the two persons he seemed to be now, who were always fighting. 

"Aaron," he said. "My real name is Aaron."

"Aaron?" she repeated, surprised. 

"I was called after my dad. I hated him, he was weak. When I turned thirteen, I let everyone call me Maddox."

"Why was he weak?"

Maddox looked past her. He had never spoken about that day, with no one. Not even with the many therapists he had been forced to go to. "Some things better stay buried."

She came a little closer, laying her head on his shoulder. Absent-minded, her hand glided up and down his side. "You never told me anything about your childhood. Casper and you... you both refused to say something about it. I've asked about it so many times. Why don't you tell me now? If that part of your life belongs to Aaron and you want to become Aaron now, I will have to get to know him."

Maddox sighed. Hearing his real name leaving her lips... it chased a shiver down his spine. It called up a deep, displaced fear making his breathing fall, and he concentrated on her warm body to calm down a little. 

If he told her... would she understand why he was the way he was? Showing her his weakness... It conflicted with everything he had fought for the past years, it kicked the legs of who he had wanted to become from under him. But at the same time he felt the longing to connect with her on that level too.

His arm glided around her and he pulled her closer, his lips touching her forehead. 

"I was four, Casper was a baby. I was playing in the sandbox when the garden door opened and three men entered the backyard. My mother yelled that I had to come inside. Before I could get on my feet, one of the man lifted me up, carried me inside and put me on the couch." He swallowed, taking a deep breath. "People were screaming. My mother was furious with my father. It was about money – blackmailing... I never found out who they were or what they wanted. Anyway, the men wanted money and my father couldn't give it to them. As payback, they tied my mother to a chair, drenched her with gas and burnt her alive. I was forced to watch; there was a guy sitting next to me, pushing the point of a knife against my neck every time I closed my eyes. Her screams... the shaking of her body as she tried to escape, the smell of her burning flesh..." His voice died away and he was silent for a while, trying to recompose himself. There were only short flashes he remembered. "They gave my father a week to get the money together, if he failed I would be the one on that chair." He looked at her eyes, saw how wide and shocked they were. Her fingertips stroked his cheek soothingly. "A week later he still lacked the money and hung himself. For years I was afraid that the men would return to burn me alive, but I have never heard from them again. I hated my father for getting involved with people like that, for his inability to protect my mother, for not avenging her death and killing himself. He left Casper and me to die. He should have found a way to get them the money, rob a bank or something. But he did nothing. He was a coward."

Dana was silent for a long time. There were tears in her eyes. "That's horrible," she said eventually. "I never expected such a thing. I can't believe you've kept it to yourself all this time." 

He shrugged his shoulders. "It's been a long time ago. I've put it behind me."

"It's still consuming you," she muttered. "Your hunger for power... the fact that you lose your mind the moment you lose control... it can all be traced back to your trauma. You make sure that you pull the strings now, you've made enough money to have anything you want so that the lack of it will never cause you pain again."

He leaned back. "I've moved up in the world. Maybe I should be thankful to my father. If he hadn't been such a miserable example, I might never have tried so hard to be his counterpart."

"And now you want me to call you Aaron? Just like the man who you hate so much? Who turned you into the man I  _hate_?" She shook her head. "What's your mother's name?"

"Ruby."

"Hmm." Her fingers stroked his chest. "What about Ruben?"

His nose stroked hers as he softly kissed her lips as if he wanted to taste the name that had just rolled off. "Ruben... sounds good."

She rolled on top of him, keeping his glance. "Then you'll be Ruben from now on and you will leave that ruthless Maddox in your office, okay?"

He wrapped his arms around her. Never before it had felt so good just to hold her. "Okay." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you, Dana."

She rested her head on his shoulder, her blonde hair tickling his face. "I'm glad you are still capable of loving someone after what they did to you."

Ruben closed his eyes as he heard her fragile voice. "And I hope you will be capable of loving Ruben one day, despite the things Maddox did to you."


	48. Happy

_Six months later_

With a hand underneath his head Happy stared at the ceiling. Cobwebs were hanging down in the corners. "No news?" he asked. 

A few hours had passed since Kozik had visited Tig. If there had been any news, his brother would have told him by now, but Happy still felt the need to ask. He hadn't want to talk about it in the dinner hall, he didn't want to mention Dana's name when other people were around. Tig was the only person he trusted. Even his two brothers from Tacoma he didn't fully trust, since their pal was the reason they were here now. And his father – well after two and a half year he still didn't know what to think of him. Up to now, he wasn't worth his trust. The only way to get Happy's forgiveness, was by getting Dana away from her abductor. 

"No. Sack is still doin' that hypnosis shit but without results," Tig answered from the lower bed. "He doesn't remember anything."

Happy didn't think that was gonna change. Not after such a long time. "We've waited long enough. We've waited way to fucking long."

She was a prisoner for two years now. And her cell was much worse than his. Kozik had told him that she had given birth to a kid, that Maddox had killed it and send the body to Juice. Some asshole had believed it was funny to send Happy some pictures of the corpse. During his life Happy had met a bunch of insane people, but Maddox surely was the worst.

Even though Happy was usually very talented in ignoring his feelings, the powerlessness and anger because of what had happened to his little sister never left his body. It was always scalding underneath the surface, always looking for a way out. It didn't want to be locked up; it wanted to smash things to pieces, wanted to rip heads off, wanted to crush every skull in this god forsaken place. He however could do shit without getting deeper in the hole. And still he would do it. He couldn't care less if he would end up in solitary or worse – as long as he'd get the information he needed. 

"You wanna set the plan in motion?"

There was not a shred of doubt in Happy's thoughts. "Yeah."

* * *

The plan had been there for a long time, and they had discussed it many times. When they had heard that Sack had escaped or was released, they had decided to wait to see if that would lead to new information. 

For Happy's plan was solely built on a gut feeling. An instinct. And even though he was used to follow his instincts blindly, there was a lot at stake this time. If he was wrong, it was done. He wouldn't get another chance.

Ever since he was inside, he had kept an eye on the guards. He knew some where on Maddox' payroll; the question was which of them. One man had stood out; looking more nervous than the others and Happy always felt his glance. The moment he answered his looks, the man always turned his head away. 

He was hiding something or he was fucking gay, it was hard to tell. But given the circumstances, the first theory seemed the most obvious. There was a big chance that Maddox was paying him. 

How to isolate a guard was a trade in its own. Reluctantly he had allowed his father's help. He had already been inside when Maddox was still in elementary school and the past two decennia he had built his own contacts among the guards. It were two of these guards which were now accompanying the third as they ran towards a staged fight in the showers. Without much of a struggle the two guards let themselves being pinned down by some inmates who belonged to Happy's father's group. Happy himself took care of the nervous guard that was left. After two strikes at the head he fell down, and Happy took his weapons. Then he dragged him to a corner.

The other men kept their distances. Most knew about the conspiracy, and the ones who didn't were curious to what would happen. Nobody would stand in his way by clobbering a guard. 

In the corner of the shower room Happy clamped his knee into the man's throat. It was a fat guy, cold sweat already trickling down his forehead. 

 "You know who I am?" Happy asked in a low voice. 

The man stared back with wide, scared eyes. It made Happy doubt. Why the hell would Maddox hire a coward like this? He put a little more pressure on the neck, although he made sure it wouldn't snap. His fingers groped for Happy's boot, but the pressure of his toe was enough to make the man gasp for breath. 

"Well?"

He thought to see the man nod and looked over his shoulder. Tig and his father crouched down next to him, pushing the shoulders of the man against the floor. Happy took a box of needles from his father which one of the corrupt guards had brought with him, bent his knees and took off the lid. 

"Tell me everything you know about Maddox."

"W-who?" the man whispered through quivering lips. 

"Every time I think you lie, I'ma do this," Happy continued. He grabbed the man's hand, place the point of the needle under the nail of his middle finger and pushed. 

The hand of his father was covering the guard's mouth, muffling his screams. Behind them some men cheered, but after an angry look over his shoulder they shut their mouths and understood the party was over as soon as other guards showed up. 

"I know you're working for Maddox," Happy bluffed. "Even when you're so scared that you puke out your intestines, I won't stop. He has my sister and you're the only lead we have." He moved his hand a little, holding the next finger and pushing another needle into the flesh. 

The man's body was jolting, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. His father's face showed him that the guard had bitten his hand while trying to breathe. His father however didn't move. The glance in his eyes was ice cold – and for the first time in his life Happy saw a similarity between himself and his father. 

"How do you contact him? Lift your other hand when you're ready to talk, if not I just continue." He took another needle from the box. 

Right when he grabbed his pinky, the other hand was lifted, shaking. Happy moved his attention to the tear-stained face. 

"Get them out," the man whispered, staring at the pieces of needle that were still visible. 

"How does he contact you?"

"He – he calls me," the man floundered. "Always with a number that is untraceable."

"How does he pay?"

"He – he doesn't." The lips of the man were quivering, his voice just a whisper. "He has my daughter."

Happy saw that the man was telling the truth. It explained why he was such a nervous mess. Still Happy didn't feel empathy; he was still on the wrong side of this fight. 

"Tell me everything you know."

"I barely know anything. I hired a private investigator when my daughter disappeared two and a half year ago. She was in a relationship with a guy for a few weeks and the investigator concluded that her boyfriend had taken her. I had to consider the fact that her abductor was engaged with the sex industry. Maddox is trading women, I think."

Happy clenched his jaws. They had looked into the weapon and drug dealers, but the sex industry? He hadn't thought about that for a single moment – which was stupid, for nothing sold better than sex. And as it seems, it wasn't just a normal brothel he was owning. He was probably coordinating various whorehouses, delivering unwilling girls to rich, perverse men who found no satisfaction in fucking normal whores. 

He clenched his hands to fists. If Maddox ever grew tired of Dana, he would ditch her. In a filthy brothel in some god forsaken shed where nobody would ever find her. And now he also understood why Maddox had access to a way to erase memories. That might be helpful, when one of the girls escaped or were returned after collecting ransom. 

Happy stood up. This was all the information he would get. If the guy had known more, he hadn't still been dancing on Maddox's tune. 

Right when he was standing again, his father bent over. Happy saw the flash of  a knife, before the blade was buried in the guard's neck. 

Happy pulled his father's arm. "The hell are you doin'?!" he grunted.

"I make sure Maddox will never know he talked," he answered simply. "I got this, son."

* * *

And it turned out that he was right. Happy never heard a single word about the killed guard. He however neither heard a word about his father. In the days that followed he was nowhere to be found, and only three days later, right before he finally had the opportunity to meet with Kozik and tell him what he had discovered, he heard that his father was locked up in solitary for at least a year. 

A miracle – Happy thought. He dared to bet that anyone else would have gotten death row. 

**. . .**


	49. Juice

The laughter of children echoed around him. Juice stared forward. His nephew was somewhere in the wooden ship in front of him, but his thoughts had wandered to sadder places; to a silent fantasy where his little girl climbed foot bridges and Dana was following her, laughing. And he was watching them from below with a pounding heart, scared to death that Tabitha would somehow fall. 

A squeeze in his knee dragged him back to reality. Like every time after such a daydream, disappointment was washing over him when he realized that it wasn't Dana who was sitting next to him, but Lotte.

He loved her – he really did. 

But not like he had loved Dana – like he still loved Dana. He enjoyed being with Lotte, she always calmed him down. But they never laughed until the tears were running down their cheeks. They never talked until the sun came up. Her touches didn't set his skin on fire, her kisses didn't make him forget about everything, her laughter didn't reach the depths of his soul. 

She was more than a good friend, but she wasn't his soulmate. She wasn't Dana. 

He knew he had to let go of it; he had to stop comparing them all the time. But he couldn't help it. Every time he was enjoying something, he thought of how much more he would have enjoyed it if Dana had been with him. Every time when Lotte was holding him in her arms when he was having a rough time, he wished that it was Dana who was holding him. Those longings just didn't go away. He was really trying and there were days he was genuinely happy about their relationship, being able to see all the steps he had taken the past months – but the day after everything crumbled down again, giving him the feeling that he was running and running without his destination coming closer. 

"Your mind is racing again," Lotte said softly. 

Juice took a deep breath and nodded. His eyes searched for Mikey and he found the boy on a stairs. When he reached the platform, he turned to another boy and chatted to him; as it seemed he had found a friend at the playground. 

Her hand glided in his and she rested her head against his shoulder. "You think you ever want another kid?"

Juice felt his muscles tense; a tightening feeling arose in his chest. 

"I don't mean now," she said softly. "Just... ever. I get it if you don't."

"But you do want a child," he understood. Actually, he had never thought about it. Tabitha had neither been planned, although Dana and he had talked about kids. 

Her staring at the floor confirmed his words. If he didn't want another child – did that mean that she would leave him? If it was her desire to have a child, he didn't want to stand in her way. But a kid with him? Although Dana had told him that he shouldn't let Maddox control his life, he didn't want to lose something so precious again. He was already worrying about his nephew, afraid that Maddox would hurt him. But having a child of his own... he was way too scared to lose it again. 

"Maybe when he's dead," Juice muttered. "Or when it's been years since I've heard from him."

But the first option would mean that Dana would return – and the second that she was probably dead.

He swallowed. "I get it if you don't want to wait for me. I already have such a big influence on your life, I don't wanna be the one who destroys your dream just because I can't control my fear."

His phone went off, and he gave Lotte an apologetic glance. "Yeah?"

"Are you home?" Jax asked. "We got new intel."

"About – about Dana?" he asked breathlessly. 

"Yeah, about Maddox's activities."

Immediately Juice jumped up. New energy flew through his veins. "Mikey!" he yelled. "We're leaving!"

Lotte looked at him with wide eyes. "What's going on?"

"Maddox. They have something on Maddox."

* * *

Until deep into the night Juice was working on his laptop. Lotte had already gone to bed. He knew it was better to continue next morning, but he just couldn't turn away from the screen. Finally he was able to do something. Finally they knew something. 

Maddox earned his money within the sex industry. He was trading girls, Happy told Kozik. And so Juice hacked into different police databases, making a list of all the women between 18 and 30 who had gone missing the past two years – assuming they would make the most money. By reading witness accounts and combining the places where they were last seen, he hoped to discover a pattern. Maddox had to find those girls somewhere... As soon as he knew more details, he would dive into the dark web and find some contact information. Maybe he could pretend to try to sell a girl and find a way into that sick world. 

His eyes glided down the list of names and widened at the name  _Bakker._ Lotte's surname. Since her father was Dutch, it was a very uncommon name. He opened the file, his hands suddenly feeling clammy. This had to be a coincidence, right?

As soon as he saw the picture of the blond haired girl, he froze to the bone. That had to be Lotte's sister. They looked a lot like each other. He dug deeper into it, searching for her family members and discovered that she indeed had an older sister. Anne Lotte Bakker. It was right there.

For at least five minutes Juice stared at the screen, trying to understand what he was seeing. She had never said a word about a missing sister, she... 

Then the realization hit him like a truck. 

Maddox had taken her sister. 

All this time she had known how Maddox earned his money; how they could find him. And all this time she had pretended to love him, to...

With a growl he jumped up, pushing over the table so it tilted and hit the floor. His laptop fell down on the floor as well. 

Juice didn't care. All he felt, was an intense anger blazing through his body because the girl he had finally opened up to had betrayed him. 

She didn't give a shit about him. She was employed by the man who had destroyed his life. 


	50. Lotte

Lotte wasn't fast asleep. 

Since the moment Jax had called, she felt restless. She hadn't dared to ask too much questions, afraid that Juice saw through her. Now she however was kept in the dark about the things the men had discovered. She had considered to call Maddox to tell him they were on something, but she hadn't dared to; too afraid that Juice would catch her again. 

As she heard a disturbance in the living room, she left the bed. Was there a burglar? Had Maddox already discovered that Juice was on something, taking matters to his own hands? Or was this another of Juice's rages? The last one however was months ago, and she hadn't seen him drink alcohol today. 

She just entered the hallway when she bumped into him. His eyes were smoldering, the lines of his face so tensed it looked creepy. He grabbed her throat and slammed her head against the wall. Pain flamed through her shoulders and head as she hit the stone. Tears slipped down her cheeks. This time it was no drunken rage; this time he knew really well what he was doing. 

He knew. 

He knew that she had been spying for Maddox. 

"You filthy backstabbing whore!" His fists rained down on her arms, which she had crossed in front of her face to protect herself. She sank on the ground, flinched and cried. He didn't care about her tears. He grabbed her hair and yanked back her head. "I'm pouring my heart out to you for months and you told all my shit to that fucker? You enjoyed seeing my pain, hmm?"

"I had no choice!" she sobbed. "I had no choice! He has my sister!"

"Bullshit. We could have found a way to get Dana  _and_ your sister back. Fuck it, if you had told us months ago that Maddox was trading girls we might have found her by now!" His fingers intertwined with her hair again and he slammed her head against the wall. 

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I didn't dare to take the risk! Every time he heard nothing from me, he showed me videos where multiple men were raping my little sister! She's only fifteen!"

For a moment Juice's grasp weakened. For a moment she thought to see compassion in his eyes. Lotte didn't try to crawl away from him, nor did she try to escape. Instead, she started talking. 

"I love you, Juice. That was never an act."

"Right," he huffed. His fingers clenched into a fist again, but he didn't hit her. Instead, he sat down on the ground, leaning against the opposite wall. The look in his eyes was ice cold. The love he had shown her earlier today completely vanished. "Tell me everything."

Lotte took a few deep breaths and nodded. "My sister had a boyfriend, they were dating for a few weeks. She was thirteen back then, and he was seven years older. My parents didn't approve. It caused a lot of stress at home and in the end she ran away with him. She never came back. Months later I entered my apartment and a complete stranger was sitting there on the couch, waiting for me. He told me to follow his instructions if I ever wanted to see my sister again. If not, he would keep renting her out, eventually selling her to a rich guy somewhere far away. I had no choice. I really had no choice." She wiped her eyes. "I had to become your... new whore, he said. He never told me why, I only found that out when you told me about Dana. Now and then he called me to hear how you were doing. I never understood what he was looking for, what he really thought to gain from this." She doubted as she thought about the cameras, but she didn't dare to admit how much she had violated his privacy. He might conclude that Maddox had used the images of them having sex to torment Dana and she was afraid that he would lose his mind again. 

"In fact, I didn't do that much," she whispered. "I fell in love with you, I really did Juice. I was always afraid to receive the instruction to kill you in your sleep. I know I could never do that."

He snorted disdainfully. "If you did all this for your sister, you would have killed me too." He was silent for a while, then he frowned. "Your boyfriend who died in a car crash. Does he even exist?"

She bent her head. Her lips were trembling. "No. But I – I knew how you felt nevertheless. I was going through exactly the same shit as you, Juice! Only did I receive instructions to get my sister back. Wouldn't you have done the same if you had been in my shoes?"

"I would have fought that beast together. Like I thought we were. But you betrayed me. Damn it Lotte, for fuck's sake, why  _didn't_ you tell me? How can I ever trust a single word from you again? You might be lying now too!" The muscles in his arms tensed, he squeezed his eyes. "It wasn't jealousy that made you delete Dana's voicemail message, huh? Did you – did you call him when you found out they were trying to escape?!"

Lotte stared at the ground. There was no point in denying it; the guilt was already surrounding her like a halo. "Yes, I called him."

A few dead silent seconds passed by. Then Juice jumped up, grabbed a hand full of her hair and pulled her on her feet. He grabbed her chin. "You are the reason she couldn't escape! You are the reason my daughter is dead!" His breathing fell heavier, tears were shining in his eyes. He blinked them away, the sadness was quickly replaced by anger. 

_He's going to kill me._

She had no idea how she could defend her action – she didn't even know what had happened that night. Maybe they had been caught before she had called Maddox – and maybe they had indeed escaped if she hadn't informed him. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wanted to tell you the truth so many times, but I was too scared. Maddox would know. He always knows." She sobbed quietly. "I love you Juice. I really do."

"Stop lying to me!" he snapped. "You came to me like a fucking whore, you played me, you used me..." His hand moved to her throat and clenched around it. Anxiously, she looked into his eyes. There was nothing but a pitch black hatred. 

_He's going to kill me. He's really going to kill me._

And her sister would have no future, she would be condemned to the worst imaginable hell for the rest of her life. 

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out. 

It was a low blow – it was a lie, but it was the only thing she could think of to save herself. 

"Yeah?" he huffed. "Well, a child from a whore like you and a sick, twisted asshole like me will never be happy to be alive." For a moment he held her glance, then he moved his face closer. "And it's another fucking lie, huh? Even now you're still lying to me, you crazy lying bitch." His fingers squeezed, she could no longer breathe. "And using a baby as an excuse to live while my own child was brutally murdered... that's fucking sick." He spitted into her face. "You are fucking sick."

Lotte went into respiration distress. She tried to gasp for air, was pulling on his hands around her neck. Her eyes were protruding, her lips forming words he couldn't hear.  _I can't breathe. I can't breathe._

She started to sweat. All she could see, where his hateful eyes; the determination in them, the determination to squeeze the life out of her. Her throat was burning, like he was jamming daggers in it. She tried to punch him, kick him. Black spots danced before her eyes. Her arms started to feel heavy, her legs collapsed. She fell. A knee in her stomach pinned her to the ground, with his hands he was still strangling her. Reflexively she tried to kick him away from her, but she didn't even know if her legs were moving at all. Her chest cramped, she felt shaky and lightheaded. 

All lights went out. Everything became dark. 

The last thing she heard, was a heartbreaking sobbing. Whether it was Juice who realized what he had done, Mikey who had been attracted by the noise or that she was catching a glimpse of the misery that was awaiting her litter sister; she would never know. 

 


	51. Juice

"No!! No no no no!!" His hands were shaking as he pressed them against her chest. Tears were clouding his vision so he couldn't see if he had placed them on the right spot, although it didn't matter much. He had no idea how to resuscitate someone. He tried to remember what he had seen in movies and started to put pressure on her chest, his hands flat on top of each other. 

Nothing happened. 

On his knees he moved a little, tilting her head and placing his lips over hers. He blew. This time he neither knew if he was doing it right. He couldn't think anymore, all he saw were her wide, dead eyes. 

Was that a movement? He jumped up, oversaw her body. His hands found hers and he squeezed. "Please Lotte," he whispered. "Please come back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Yeah – he was pissed. 

He was furious. 

But he didn't want her to die. Whatever horrible things she had done; there had been countless moments where she had been his only tower of strength. Without her he would have died months ago. And now, his rescue had led to her death.

No – she wasn't dead. He had seen her move. Felt her move. Hear her move. 

He had no idea what he had truly experienced.

Sobbing, he caressed her cheek, her skin still felt warm. That was a good sign, right? Feeling encouraged, he pressed his lips against hers once more, breathing into her.  _Please. Please come back._

Juice had no idea how long he kept trying. Hours maybe. At some point his lips were swollen, his muscles stiff. Crying, he dropped down on the ground and clung to her body. 

This was a nightmare, a hallucination. He had turned to alcohol again. 

Lotte would never betray him and he would never kill her. 

Not in the real world. 

* * *

A door opened. His back hurt, his shoulder too. Dazed, Juice sat up straight and discovered that he had been lying in the hallway. 

"Why – why are you sleeping here?" little Mikey asked. 

Juice rubbed his neck. "Dunno kiddo. Guess I drank too much." He aimed his attention to the body that had been lying in his arms and wanted to wake her up. The moment he saw the welts and bruises on her neck and face, and the wide eyes staring accusingly at him, he shrunk backwards. His back hit the wall. Bile shot up into his gullet, he bent over and puked. Even before the heat had retreated from his face, he remembered everything. 

Her betrayal. 

His anger.

"Why does auntie Lotte look so strange? Is she sick?"

Juice aimed his face into the direction of the voice, but he couldn't see the kid. There was only a blur. It was hard to breath – experience told him that he was having a panic attack. 

"Go to your room," he managed to say to Mikey. "NOW!" he snapped when the kid kept tarrying. 

Quick footsteps sounded. The door was closed. 

His legs collapsed. He dropped down, gasping for breathe he wrapped his arms around his knees. He imagined Dana's soothing eyes, her gentle voice.

The only eyes he saw were Lotte's; the only sound he heard her begging. With his fingernails he scratched his scalp, but the pain didn't distract him. He saw himself knelt down on the ground, felt his hands around her throat while he squeezed and squeezed as she tried to struggle away from him. 

Kozik's voice echoed through his head.  _"You really don't see it, huh? Your coldness, your anger issues... you turn into the man you hate so much. Imagine Dana coming back now and seeing you like this. What will you be, her new Maddox?"_

Sobbing, he cradled himself, pressing his hands against his ears to shut out the words. "She deserved it," he muttered. "My little girl is dead because of her. My little girl is dead because she called Maddox."

He however wasn't sure; her phone call might never have made a difference at all. 

_That doesn't matter! She was willing to jeopardize your daughter's life!_

Whatever he told himself, it didn't help. All he could think of, were all the times she had comforted him; her sweet smiles, her tender embraces. And now she was dead. He had killed her single-handedly. 

What should he do? Nobody could find her body, nobody could know what he had done. He however knew he couldn't do this alone; he had no idea where to take her. He thought of Dana, who had called Kozik after she had been forced to kill Opie. The man had never blamed her. 

Would he also understand his situation?

If he was honest, he didn't care that much. He wouldn't refuse a bullet in the head. Not if Kozik promised to look after Mikey and keep searching for Dana. Still he lacked the courage to really end his life; especially because it had been Lotte who had helped him to get rid off his suicidal thoughts. 

But if Kozik believed that he deserved to die... he wouldn't struggle. 

With an enormous effort he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Kozik. 

"Hey man. You alright?"

His heart ached as he heard his friendly voice. Would his friend hate him after today?

"No," he whispered. "I – I did something terrible and I don't know what to do and..." He took a deep breathe, trying to suppress the panic that was flaring up. 

"You're home?"

"Ye-yeah," he muttered.

"I'll be right over. Stay where you are."

Juice lowered his hand with the phone. He stared at Lotte's lifeless body. It felt like he had blew all his life force into her the day before – he felt exhausted now. He couldn't get up, he couldn't even yell or cry. Instead, he curled up into a little ball. With trembling lips he stretched out his hand to hold hers, but she was too far away and he lacked the strength to move closer to her.

She was unreachable. 

Forever. 

He had killed someone. 

He had killed  _her._

His own girlfriend. Someone he had loved. 

Someone he still loved, despite her betrayal.

 


	52. Kozik

Kozik tried not to assume the worst. Juice was doing well those days, Kozik had believed he had his life back on track. But maybe the hope to find Dana back had flared up now they were on something, causing conflicting feelings. Especially because Juice had felt okay the past months, Kozik was worried now. A gnawing sensation followed him as he went on his bike and rode to the man's house, and the feeling worsened as he neared the front door.

"Fuck," he grunted as no one answered the door bell. He thought back to all the times he had found Juice on the floor, blind drunk and stoned. His indifference, his anxiety, his anger; his emotions always seemed to peak. What would he see this time? Had he taken another overdosis, or had he cut his wrists this time? Kozik cursed himself for asking him no further questions. He should have figured out if an ambulance was needed.

He walked around the house, climbed over a small fence and tried the back door. This one was open. He entered the house, the silence that greeted him causing a pit in his stomach.

"Juice?" His eyes shot through the room. There was no one around. The dinner table however was turned over, the laptop upside down on the ground.

Cursing, he continued his search. He had only been a few times in Lotte's house and he had never been further than the living room. It however wasn't a villa, so it couldn't be that hard to find Juice.

As soon as he rounded a corner and entered a hallway, he froze. A torrent of curses left his lips as he saw the two lying on the ground. Nausea battled a way to his gullet as he smelled puke, and the moment he saw Lotte's face, there was pang in his chest.

"Fuck." He fell on his knees next to the girl, pressing his fingers against her neck to find a pulse, although he was pretty sure that she was dead. His fingertips stroked the welts in her neck.

He had strangled her. 

His glance wandered to the side. Juice had curled up like a little child. For a moment Kozik feared he was dead too; the look in his eyes was emptier than ever. Then the man however sat up straight, his whole body shaking as he rubbed his eyes. 

"What have you done?!" His emotions were distorting his voice. Lotte had been such a sweet girl, he couldn't understand how Juice could have done this to her.

Sobbing, the boy rubbed his eyes. Kozik however had grown tired of his tears; he had seen too many of them. He had seen too many regrets while the kid never changed his behavior. 

"I don't know what to do with you anymore Juice. I really don't."

Juice stared at his feet. "She was working for Maddox. When I made an overview of the missing girls last night, I saw that her sister was one of them." Juice looked up, his eyes were gleaming sadly. "I loved her. But she played me. She spied for Maddox. She – she called him when Dana tried to escape. It's – it's her fault that my little girl is dead."

Kozik felt his whole body tense as he took a deep breathe. God, when had that guy suffered enough? He sat down next to Juice and pulled him into a hug. A lump appeared in his throat as Juice started to cry again. 

Now he had lost two women he loved. And again, Maddox was the one to blame. 

"It's okay," Kozik answered softly when Juice started to ramble about how everyone would hate him for this. 

It wasn't okay, of course it wasn't okay. But what else could he say? He had no idea what he would have done himself if it had happened to him. It wasn't only Juice she had played; nobody had found it suspicious that she had been so concerned about Juice. She had seemed to be a sweet girl – and Kozik blamed himself for not having had any suspicions. The fact that Lotte had stayed with him despite all the beat-ups should have alarmed him. 

"It's okay?" Juice repeated, looking up. "I murdered a woman. I murdered my girlfriend!" Again, the pain flashed across his face. 

Kozik knew he had to temper his guilt, whether it was justified or not. This time Lotte wouldn't be around to pull him through and he doubted anyone could take her place. He didn't want to see Juice turn to the alcohol again, but he also knew that Juice wouldn't open up to another girl anytime soon. 

Everything Lotte had healed inside Juice, she had destroyed now. 

"I'll be honest with you, Juice – I don't know if I had done things differently. I think we all would have reacted this way. She betrayed you. Whatever was going on; she betrayed you. So don't feel ashamed of your anger. Although we could have used her connection to Maddox, maybe giving him false information or something, set a trap..." He sighed.

"I know," Juice muttered, his hand running across his mohawk. "I never wanted to kill her Koz. Not really. I was... it was just..." Sobbing, he breathed in. 

"There's nothing you can do about it kid," Kozik stated simply. He knew that Juice needed space to deal with his loss, but right now he rather looked at the situation from a more practical perspective. There was a dead woman in the hallway and somewhere in this house was also a little boy. 

"Where's Mikey?"

"I sent him to his room."

"Did he see it happen?"

Juice shook his head. "He found us here, this morning. I was broken, I held her throughout the night."

Again, tears were glistening in his eyes. Kozik laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "We gotta bury her somewhere. Give her a little funeral." They couldn't take her to a regular graveyard; the autopsy report would turn Juice into a suspect. He doubted anyone but Maddox knew that she was here, so nobody would miss her. 

"We're gonna find her a good spot tonight, okay?" He looked around. "But we have to hide the body until tonight. I'll ask Amy if she can look after Mikey today, okay?"

Juice nodded blankly. 

Kozik lifted the dead girl, went through the open bedroom door and laid her down on the bed. With a sigh he looked at her sweet face. How must she truly have felt, the past months? Living together with a drunk, someone who loved another woman while her little sister was held captive? She had seen Tabitha's body. She knew what would happen to her sister if she disobeyed Maddox. 

He understood the girl – but he understood Juice as well. Especially if she had been the cause of his daughter's death. Who knows what they could have achieved if Lotte had came clean from the beginning...

There was actually just one person he blamed for this drama, and he was far away from here, still out of their reach, happy in his twisted little fantasy with the woman he desired so much he was oblivious to her hatred. Feeling powerless, Kozik clenched his fists. It was unbelievable how many lives one man could destroy. 

Trying to calm himself down again, he took a deep breath and left the bedroom. He heard soft voices coming from the next room and walked towards the door. Mikey was sitting on the edge of the bed. Juice had squatted in front of him, his hands holding those of the little boy. Kozik listened to Juice's shaking voice as he told his nephew that Lotte had become very sick all of a sudden and that she needed to go to a special hospital far away from Charming. 

Kozik had to admit that he was impressed by the way Juice dealt with the boy; as it seemed the kid calmed him down a little. 

Still he was afraid that his love for the kid wouldn't be enough to heal the wound Lotte had left behind. 

 


	53. Maddox

Maddox didn't know why he still watched the tapes, but every few days he watched pieces. Maybe to make sure that Juan Carlos was okay. Now he understood how important it was for Dana to know that he was happy, he wanted the guy to be happy too. The boy had had his punishment. He knew that hurting him more would only hurt Dana, and he didn't want to hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her again. 

Things finally went well between them. Finally she was giving him what he had craved for all this time – her love. 

He however noticed he found it hard to let go. He still needed some control over her ex. After all, he was still afraid that Dana was playing games; that she was still looking for a way out. And that's why Lotte had been a safe solution. Just in case things went wrong. 

And now, that safety net was gone. 

With wide eyes he had just watched how Juan Carlos had strangled his girlfriend. Maddox had never known he had it in him, but once again Dana had fallen for a man with a dark side. 

There was a tight feeling in his chest – and he didn't know what to do with it. Feeling compassion was foreign to him, but he thought it was sad how Lotte had met her end, and somewhere deep inside him the guilt was gnawing on him. Especially when he thought about Charlie. 

A few weeks ago he had brought the girl here. He had doubted for a long time, afraid that Dana would get attached to someone else now Maddox wasn't the only one around her. But after the birth of their son, she was in need of some help and she had been grateful. 

Furiously at first, later grateful. 

_"Are you out of your mind??" Her beautiful face was red because of the anger she was feeling. "You take a fifteen year old girl away from her family just to keep me company?!"_

_"Of course not," he answered resentfully. "She was working in a brothel. A young girl like her shouldn't be there; so I took her away. There however was no family she could turn to."_

_Suspiciously, she stared at him. "So that's how you make all that money? You own brothels? You're hiring underage girls?"_

_"No," he answered, irritation flaring up. His fingers cramped; the urge to hit her in the face was hard to suppress. He however couldn't hit his pregnant girlfriend._

_Plus, she was right. Fifteen, sixteen year old's just made the best money. Something he would never confess to her. "I own some brothels. In different countries, some... exotic places for men to visit, with girls from various nationalities. It's a big business, yeah. But it's legal; sometimes however an underage girl ends up in those places."_

_The suspicion didn't leave her eyes. "Why have you never been honest about this? If it's all so legal, if those girls do the work voluntarily, why keeping it secret?"_

_He shrugged his shoulders. "It's a shady branch. I was afraid you would be disgusted by it."_

_She rolled her eyes. "My ex and brother possessed a porn studio. For months I have lived in a clubhouse filled with whores. I'm no saint."_

_My ex... She had never referred to Juan Carlos as her ex before. The annoyance he had felt slipped away; he stepped closer to her and kissed her cheek. "Sorry, my love. I just know there are many things you wouldn't be proud of. I don't want to give you new reasons to hate me."_

_She looked at him, her hands spread across her big baby bump. "I'm not sure if you're honest with me right now, Ruben, but please understand this; soon you might have a daughter yourself. Just imagine how it would feel if she ended up in that business of yours."_

It had got him thinking, and in the end he had decided to sell the company. He would make a lot of money, enough to give his girl and kid everything they needed. Maybe it was better to disappear – not only for the bikers this time, but for the whole world. 

The things had already been set in motion; he was already looking for another place to live. Another island. It had been a wise decision, he knew now. Especially now the Sons knew how he made his money. Cutting the ties would keep them away – and Dana would stay with him. 

Now he however was stuck with Charlie. Lotte's sister. He had wanted to bring her back to the mainland once they no longer needed a nanny, but now he couldn't – he felt obliged to take care of the girl. He owed Lotte that. He owed Dana that.

Charlie knew she had to keep silent about certain things. He had ordered her to pretend that her parents had died during a car crash and that she had no siblings; if she disobeyed, he would not only send her back to that whore house, but her sister as well. It had been enough motivation for her to keep her mouth shut. When Dana would discover that Charlie was Lotte's sister, she might feel the need to try to escape again. 

Sighing, he leaned forward and rubbed his face. A pounding headache was setting in. His son had been crying all night and he had wanted Dana to get some sleep after she had fed him. 

It was a cute kid – called after his brother; Casper. It had been Dana's idea. Perhaps because she felt guilty for killing his brother, or maybe because she hoped he would feel more attached to the kid. 

Her worries were unnecessary. He had loved that little guy since the moment he had held him in his arms. Although he knew deep inside that it was impossible, he still thought to recognize some facial traits similar to his. Maybe the doctors had been wrong. Maybe the radiotherapy hadn't made him completely infertile. 

He stood up, leaving the room behind. He found Dana in the living room, nursing the little one. Sitting down next to her, he laid an arm around her and looked at the little miracle. 

With a tender smile she looked up. "You look tired. Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

He nodded absentmindedly, thinking back to what he had seen an hour ago. Should he tell her? She wanted them to be transparent, but he really had no idea how she would react. 

"Hey, what is it?" Worried, her eyes wandered across his face. "I feel something is bothering you. You wish I had gotten out of bed tonight?"

"No no," he said quickly, kissing her shoulder. For a moment he looked at the small lips around her nipple, that were firmly sucking. He pressed his lips against her jaw and rested his head against her's. With a deep sigh, he stared at the peaceful child. 

What had happened, weighted heavily upon him – much heavier than he had expected. 

"Lotte is dead," he said. 

Dana stared at him, her eyes full of disbelief. "W-what?"

"Somehow Juice discovered that she was working for me."

Her face turned pale, her eyes wide. 

"He strangled her, Dana. He choked her to death."

 


	54. Dana

Dana tried to judge who was sitting next to her; Maddox or Ruben. 

Maddox would tell her this hoping that she would start to hate Juice.

Ruben would tell her this because it was bothering him, because he felt sorry about it. 

His eyes seemed to show a mix of feelings, as if both personalities were still fighting to get priority. 

She bent her head and looked at the little boy in her arms. Her thumb stroked his chubby cheek. "I don't want you to say things like that around our son, Ruben."

Of course the little boy couldn't understand, but she couldn't get rid off the feeling that violent words would reflect badly on her child. She got up and carried Casper out of the room. She focused on her son, defending herself against the horrible thing Maddox had just told her, as if her thoughts could influence the little one as well. 

"Charlie?"

Quick footsteps came down the stairs. "I'm here," the girl said timidly. 

Her eyes were aimed at Casper. She never looked Dana in the eye – and she definitely avoided Maddox's glance. Dana had tried to talk to her, knowing she had gone through horrible things, but she wasn't ready yet. Being around Casper however always did her good, it was the only time she was smiling now and then. 

Carefully, Dana handed her the baby, then she returned to the living room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, a wall was created between her and her child and Ruben's words were echoing in her head again. 

Juice had murdered Lotte. Had strangled her.

It was horrible – and still she didn't feel the horror. It was just too unbelievable, too impossible to understand. She thought about the sweet guy who had tried to calm her down, that night that she had been wandering through the clubhouse in the middle of the night, terrified. He had always been so careful, had always been so afraid to hurt her. That he had choked a woman now, just couldn't get through her head. 

She sat down on the couch. "Was he drunk?"

Ruben's hand slid to her thigh. She didn't like his touch, grabbed his wrist and laid his hand on the couch. "I don't want anyone to touch me right now."

"Okay," he said quietly, convincing her that he had pushed Maddox to a far corner of his mind. It eased the tightening feeling in her chest a bit. Ruben cleared his throat. "He wasn't drunk. He had been working on his laptop for hours, found something and knocked over the table. She was attracted by the noise, he pushed her against the wall and started to beat her... in the end they talked for a while; then she made him angry again and he lost control."

His voice sounded distant, as if he had just heard the story from someone else. Pensively, Dana looked at him. She tried to picture it, tried to imagine that conversation. She couldn't. 

She could ask for the tapes, but she knew those images would never leave her mind. Seeing Juice strangle someone, wasn't the way she wanted to remember him.

"And then?" she asked. 

"He tried to resuscitate her. Bring her back to life. When he failed, he was holding her body for hours." 

Ruben had bent his head and stared at the ground. 

Dana rubbed her eyes. God, how was she supposed to deal with this? The past months she had somehow made peace with her situation. It had been bearable. Mainly because Maddox had shown her his soft side, but the knowledge that Juice was feeling better had been just as important. 

And now he was back to square one. No – he was probably feeling much worse. Lotte had given him an edge, and her betrayal must have broken him. The little piece of trust that was left after what Cherry had done, was crumbled now. 

He wasn't good on his own, he needed someone who cared for him, who loved him. 

But as long as he was afraid that Maddox would send another girl, he would confide in no one. As long as Dana was his prisoner, Juice wouldn't open up to anyone. His alcohol addiction would return, he would blame himself again for not being able to find her, he would build these walls around himself again...

A tear slipped down her cheek. She wanted to protect him so badly; there was nothing she wanted more than making him feel better. She however couldn't. He had to move on without her – and as long as she was locked up, he couldn't. His grief and powerlessness chained him to his misery; he couldn't free himself, couldn't find closure. 

"I am so sorry," Ruben said softly. 

Dana forced herself to believe him. She had to believe that he was changing, that Maddox was slowly disappearing. Maybe he would set her free one day – or becoming so weak hearted that she could end his life. 

She looked up to him. The struggle was still visible in his eyes. Yes – part of him felt sorry. Another part of him however was mainly frustrated that he could no longer control Juice. 

Dana thought about Lotte. She had been in the same situation as Cherry; she had also tried to save someone she loved. Could she blame her? Maybe not – but Lotte and Juice had been together for months and she had believed that Juice had already known the truth; that he understood her, that he had forgiven her. 

But Lotte had never told him the truth, and Dana knew she had dug her own grave because of it.

And no matter how sorry she felt for Lotte – her heart ached for Juice. The knowledge that Maddox had turned him into someone who was able to murder his own girlfriend, chilled her to the bone. He had broken that man, had completely destroyed him. 

Again, a tear slipped down her cheek. Sniveling, she breathed in. 

He had to let her go, and this time for real. There was only one solution. Maybe it turned out to be the last straw; maybe he would really end his life but then his suffering would at least be over. By now two years had passed and things only went worse for him. She had to offer him a chance to heal – and this was his only chance to heal. 

"You have to kill me, Ruben."

"W-what?" His voice cracked. 

She took a deep breath, knowing she was throwing away the chance that they would ever find her. "He has to think that I'm dead. And he needs to get the chance to say his goodbyes." She took his hand and looked up to him. "I want them to think that I died. He will never be able to trust another woman as long as you have power over me. My death is the only way he will find closure."

"You want them to think you're dead?" he repeated, his tone skeptical. 

"I do. Dana Lowman should no longer exist. I'm not leaving you, Ruben. You won't let me go and I wouldn't dare to take your son from you. I don't want them to keep looking for me for the rest of their lives; to hope and get disappointed all the time, to suffer without an end. I want them to mourn for me, so they can say their goodbyes and get the chance to heal. I'm sure that Clay and Jax are doing better than Juice, because they have moved on after a period of mourning. But Juice hasn't. Time is standing still for him. He keeps suffering because he thinks that I'm suffering; he will never know peace." She squeezed his hand. "Please, do this for me baby. Give them a farewell, I know that you have the power and money to fake my death."

He lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "If you really want this, I will arrange your fake death. But it will take some time."

"It shouldn't happen too fast anyway; I don't want him to think that you killed me because of what he did to Lotte."

He nodded slowly. "I will let him know that I could no longer bear the thought that you loved him more than me." His eyes searched for hers. 

Her heart was racing in her chest. What was he expecting now? That she denied his words? Was he testing her? She decided not to respond at all, and instead said: "Thank you. For doing this for me." She laid a hand against his cheek. "You're a good man, Ruben."

She closed her eyes, her lips  brushing his. 

Her thoughts however were with Juice.  _Sorry baby. One cruel blow for you; then it will be over. Be strong, my love. You will get through this, like you've gotten through everything. You have a guardian angel who's watching over you. Our little angel._

 


	55. Juice

Juice was sitting halfway a small hill. Grass flowed down, until the shore of a small lake. They found themselves deep in the woods; there was a slight chance one would ever find this place. Still he had decided not to bury her; he didn't want wild animals to dig up her body. They had taken the body to the morgue. Skeeter had a habit of burning bodies they needed to get rid off, and just like the former times he had asked no questions. Juice had taken the ashes and scattered them across this peaceful place. In a garden centrum he had bought the statue of an angel, which he had placed a few feet away from the shore. A marker – even though only a few people knew its meaning. 

Sighing, he wiped his eyes. It still felt so surreal. He knew what he had done, but at the same time it felt like a dream, a nightmare. When he would roll up the garden path later today, he would think that she was cooking. When he would enter the house, he would wait for the embrace he would never get.   
  
"It's a nice final resting place." Jax sat a little behind him and squeezed his shoulder. 

They were all here – all his brothers, and their support was more noticeable than ever; perhaps because he allowed their comfort this time. An hour after they had dropped off Mikey, Juice had confessed what he had discovered the day before and that he had killed Lotte because of it. His tears had underlined his regret, but even without his remorse, his friends wouldn't have abandoned him. Most of them admitted that they would have done the same; and that they wouldn't have given her a goodbye at all. 

But Juice knew that Lotte had loved him. Maybe never as much as he believed, otherwise she would have told him the truth, but she had been a great help to him and he would never forget about that. 

Bending his head, he looked at the bouquet of purple colors in his lap. A last farewell. With a deep sigh he stood up and slowly descended the hill. In front of the sculpture of the praying angel – a child, as some silent promise that he would look for her sister – he lowered on a knee and laid down the flowers. 

A tear slipped down his cheek. 

In silence he bent his head.  _Please forgive me Lotte. I hope you have found your peace now._

His lips started to quiver as imagines flashed by. Her soft lips touching his, her fingertips stroking his jaw. He squeezed his eyes even more, and for a moment her touch felt so real he forgot how to breathe. Then he saw her eyes, which were looking at him full of remorse, full of fear. 

"Don't forget what she did to you, Juice."

At first he thought to hear his own thoughts, then he felt the hand on his shoulder and recognized Kozik's voice. 

"It's all very tragic. But you're not a monster for killing her. Her betrayal led to the death of your little girl; never forget that."

Juice stood up. He didn't know what hurt more – the fact that she was gone forever or the way she had betrayed him. 

His friend squeezed his shoulder. "C'mon, lets go get your nephew."

They turned around and climbed the hill. Once he was on top, he looked over his shoulder once more. He didn't know if he would ever return, but knowing that there was a place that was connected to her, was a soothing thought. 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later Amy opened the door for them. Before today, Juice had never seen the chubby woman and he was actually curious to her relationship with Kozik. When she went to the kitchen to make tea, he decided to ask his friend. Distracting his thoughts from Lotte seemed to be a good idea anyway. 

"So eh... how did you met?" he asked when they were sitting on the couch. "I don't think I've seen her before and I doubt she's the sweetbutt type of girl."

Kozik lifted the corner of his mouth. "She's definitely not a sweetbutt. She's recovering from a hernia. When I saw her dropping her groceries and noticed the painful glance at her face, I carried the boxes to her home. She moved to Charming a couple of weeks ago and doesn't know a lot of people, so she has to do a great deal herself while she actually can't. So I help her a little now and then."

Juice's eyes flashed to the kitchen, where she was still busy. Despite her large size she had a cute face. "You sleep with her?" he whispered, a hint of a grin crossing his face. 

Kozik's glance wandered to Amy as well, as if he wondered if that was something he wanted. Then he shook his head. "Nah, we're just friends."

Amy returned to the room, putting down a tray on the table. 

"There's lemonade, guys!" Although her voice didn't sound very loud, he was sure the kids would hear it. Mikey got on his feet in a corner of the room where he had been playing with a train together with Amy's son, and the boys walked towards them. 

Mikey climbed on his lap after taking a biscuit and Juice laid a hand on his side. 

The boy looked over his shoulder. "Aunt Amy and Toby are very nice," he whispered. "Can I play here more often?"

Juice raked a hand through his hair, pressing a kiss to his head. "I'm sure you can."

When he aimed his eyes at the woman again, she showed him a shy smile. He smiled back; he was grateful that she had taken care of Mikey today without knowing him or the boy. At their return she had neither asked questions, and Juice had a feeling that she would be a great old lady. 

He'd be happy for his brother if they would get together. His own love life was the biggest mess one could think of, but hopefully his friend would do better. 


	56. Dana

Dana's fingertips stroked across the ink. The points of the wings started close to her armpits, the tail disappeared between her breasts. The crow covered the whole area between her neck and her breasts – and even though she had chosen this design for its meaning, she had to admit that it looked good on her. She had always wanted tattoos; she just never knew what kind.

This one wasn't for Juice alone; it was also for Koz, for Kip and for her brother – even though the latter would never see it. It showed her gratitude for everything the club had done for her and it was a sign of the love she felt for those four men. It was her way to say farewell to them, when they would be looking at her coffin. 

It hadn't been very difficult to persuade Ruben to get the tattoo – after all, he loved ink. That the design symbolized the club didn't seem to bother him; that it was a way for a woman to bind herself to a Son, was something he didn't know. She knew that Juice had wanted her to wear his Crow, and she hoped that he would realize once more how much she loved him and how badly she had wanted his tattoo on her skin. 

Her decision to fake her death had placated Ruben – and also Maddox. Two days ago he had taken her to the mainland to visit a tattoo artist. She hadn't managed to discover where they were, but she had noticed that it was in a town where they spoke Spanish. The idea to flee however hadn't crossed her mind – her little boy had stayed behind at the island, and when she would try to escape again she was afraid that Maddox' love for his son would die very quickly. 

Turning away from the mirror, she put on the black dress she had chosen. The neck was low-cut, but not that much that she would look like a whore. It however gave a perfect sight on her tattoo; her farewell to the Sons. 

The door of the bedroom opened and Ruben stepped inside. Approvingly, he looked at her, with the back of his fingers stroking her cheek. 

"You look beautiful." His lips found hers and while he kissed her, he pushed her on the bed. As soon as her back touched the mattress, his mouth glided along her neck, further down to kiss the new ink. His fingers curled around the neck of her dress, pulling it down together with the cups of her bra so that his lips could follow the tail disappearing between her breasts. 

"I'm wearing the dress for my funeral, Ruben," she objected, trying to push him away. "You're ruining it."

"I'll buy you something new." 

His hungry voice made her stomach cramp – she suspected that it wasn't Ruben who was lying on top of her now. The compelling way his hand moved underneath her dress and pulled her thong to the side, called up bad memories. 

"Maddox stop. You know I don't want to sleep with you when you're like this."

He looked up, his eyes dark. "I want you. Now. Ruben is always getting all the fun."

With a tearing sound, he ripped open the dress and tore away her thong. His left hand buried in her hair, the other fidgeting with his pants until he had freed himself. Roughly he pushed her legs apart and crawled on top of her. 

Dana closed her eyes. 

_It will be over soon. Just stay strong for a couple more minutes._

It however was such a long time since he had forced himself upon her that fleeing to a far corner of her mind wasn't that natural anymore. 

* * *

"Sorry." 

His fingers stroked her hair. 

Dana kept lying with her back towards him, staring at the wall. Her wrists felt bruised, down under everything hurt. Tears stung her eyes. 

She would never get used to this. 

And now she was about to ruin her chance to be found by the others. 

"You hear me Dana? I'm sorry, I really am."

"That doesn't make the pain go away," she grunted. 

She felt how he rested his head on her shoulder. His arm glided around her and he held her close. 

"I don't know what happened. I thought that I controlled him."

Dana said nothing. She was sick of this game – she no longer knew what he was really thinking, what he was really feeling and what was just an act. He had always been insane, but this... this just made her feel sick. 

"Can I make it up to you? Please..." His hand stroked her side. 

She squeezed her eyes. Tears were almost suffocating her, but she didn't want to cry. 

"Why are you asking that over and over again if you refuse to grant my wishes anyway? You know what I want you to do."

"I can't release your brother. I'm already letting go of Juice, I need collateral."

"Why?" she huffed. "They will think that I'm dead anyway. I'm going nowhere."

He sighed. "I can't take the rist. As long as Maddox is controlling my thoughts, I'm afraid that you will try to leave me again. Next week. Next month. Next year. Knowing your brother will suffer if you leave me, will keep you close."

"You're a sick motherfucker, you know that? You both are."

He rolled away from her. "I'm trying to be a better person Dana. I really am."

"Maybe we should kidnap a family member of yours and let it get raped or murdered when you misbehave."

"My family is already dead. You killed the last one."

Dana shrugged her shoulders. Her sympathy for him was long gone. 

"Just arrange that funeral and buy me a new dress." She turned on her side. "And allow me at least to call my brother. I want to say goodbye. I have – we have to work things out before I'm gone." She held his glance. "And maybe... I'll forgive you for what you did today."

"Okay fine, I'll set up a call with your brother." He leaned into her to kiss her, and reluctantly she allowed his lips on hers, although she didn't kiss him back. 

Displeasing him would lead her nowhere and it wasn't worth the risk – not now he had promised her a call with Happy. 


	57. Happy

 

There weren't many things that could throw him off guard. 

Hearing his sister's voice after two years however surely was one of them. When a guard had picked him up because there was a phone call for him he had been suspicious; he was sure that Maddox had something to do with it. But that it would be Dana herself on the other side of the line... no, that thought hadn't crossed his mind for a second. 

With his forearm he leaned against the wall, his face buried in the cavity as he took a few deep breaths. He knew better than to cry in jail. 

"Hey." His voice sounded gravelly. 

He had no idea what to say to her – and she had only uttered a greeting herself too, he doubted she thought differently about it. Her breathing sounded heavy as well. 

"Why callin' me?" 

It sounded rude, but no other words crossed his mind. What else should he ask? How she was doing? He already knew the answer. 

"I behaved well the past weeks and got permission to call someone."

He was quiet for a while. "Why not callin' the idiot?" He was sure there was a lot more she could say to her lover. 

"I wanted to talk to you. You're my brother, Hap, and we haven't had a normal conversation in years."

"And you think this is the best moment? Talking by phone while I'm in jail?" He snorted. 

"You may not have noticed, but I don't have many opportunities."

In the past she would have snapped these words at him; now she rather sounded tired. 

"I miss you. And I know that's weird since we haven't spend that much time together. I've always been a selfish, stubborn and self-righteous little bitch. Sorry for that. Our relationship could have been so much better if I'd been a little more mature."

Happy still didn't know what to say. He preferred to hung up, he hated this emotional shit. He however also knew this could be the last time that he could speak to her. If there was something he wanted to tell her, he had to do it now.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For underestimating him. For falling for that stupid trap and not being able to protect you. You came to me for protection and I failed."

"I never should have come. So many people have died because of me. So many people are broken now."

He squeezed his eyes when he heard her quiet sobs. He wished there were comforting words, but there weren't. He couldn't tell her that things would be all right and even the promise that he would find her he couldn't live up to.

"It ain't your fault," he said nevertheless. "The club made some bad decisions. You were the only one who didn't underestimate him. I'm sorry girl. I'm sorry." His bottom lip started to quiver. All the shit she went through right now... none of it would have happened if they hadn't treated her ex like an average arrogant prick. She had warned them; it had been their own arrogance leading to their downfall. 

"I'm sorry for what I yelled at you. That time you dragged me out of his house. When I screamed that you were a rapist, that you used to beat me up."

The memories stung. He had always shaken them off, but the accusations had been going around for a long time in their home town. "You were just a dumb teen."

"Yeah..." The lighter tone of her voice showed him that she was slightly smiling. "I know I never said it to you, but I love you Hap."

He pursed his lips, a tear rolled down his cheek. 

"Don't make this sound like a fuckin' goodbye." His voice was shaky. "Dane you can't give up. We're gonna find you, we..."

"Maddox cut his ties with the sex industry and sold the brothels. You won't find him. Your brothers have wasted two years of their lives on me; it's enough now."

"You gotta kill him," he grunted. 

"I can't."

"Of course you can!" he snapped. "We share the same blood, the same blood like or father. Fuck it, you've killed someone before!"

"I don't wanna argue again, Hap. I know what's best for me, for all of you. Trust me. And let me go."

Angrily, he shook his head. "Fuck you. I can't..."

"Exactly. You can't do anything. You're locked up. If they ever set you free, you shouldn't throw away your freedom. I'm going to tell you the same as I told Juice; your own happiness is your strongest weapon. Break Maddox's control over your life by accepting your loss and pursuing another kind of happiness."

Happy clenched his jaws. He would never accept his loss, never. 

That wasn't who he was. Maddox would pay for what he had done to his family. 

He didn't know how, he didn't know when – but it would happen. He swore it on his own life.

"I have to go. I love you Hap. Never forget that."

He gritted his teeth. 

_I love you too kid._

The words were on the tip of his tongue. He however couldn't say them out loud; it would sound like he was giving up on her.

Something he would never do.

* * *

Dana ended the call when he didn't say anything. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she cried quietly. She had thought that the conversation would bring her peace, relief, like the time she had said her goodbyes to Juice, but she had forgotten how stubborn her brother was – how different he was than Juice. Beautiful words would never convince him of anything. His heart wasn't wounded like Juice's had been; his was burning with hatred. Time could heal wounds, but could it also extinguish the flames of hatred? 

One day, she would look him in the eye again. 

One day, she would tell him that she had killed Maddox. Then his eyes would beam with pride, his lips would form a satisfied smirk. Then they would finally be able to restore their relationship. 

But to get to that point, she needed to be patient. 

And she needed to die. To completely surrender herself to Maddox, so he would fully surrender himself to her too.

 


	58. Juice

There were good and bad days. There were moments on which he was clinging to Dana's words, trying to collect victories; the silent resistance against Maddox she had mentioned. In the end it was Maddox who had given him this blow, who had forced Lotte into his life and he was trying really hard not to turn into that aggressive drunk again. He didn't distance himself from the others and spent a lot of time in the clubhouse, and on other days he went out with his nephew. 

There however were also days things didn't go that well. Days on which he was getting drunk, days on which he couldn't leave his bed while he was plagued by a horrible loneliness. Often he could see these darker periods come, so he was able to call a croweater to take Mikey to Kozik or Amy. 

Two months had passed since Lotte died. Slowly the grief had been replaced by a cold resignation. Every morning he told himself that she had betrayed him, that she had played him and that she had never  _truly_ loved him; and in turn, she had never been anything but a cheap replacement for Dana. 

It helped. The guilt was slipping away, but the loneliness, the absence stayed. He spent all his nights alone; it felt safer to stay away from girls. They could all be on Maddox's payroll. The first time he hadn't noticed her true nature; why would that be different this time? He hated being alone – but it was also protecting him from getting hurt again. 

And so the days passed by. Battling the loneliness. Battling the urge to seek company. Of course his brothers were there for him, but it wasn't the same. They couldn't offer what Lotte and Dana had given to him. 

At most days he stayed in the clubhouse until 8, then he put Mikey to bed and watched tv until he could no longer keep his eyes open. It was an empty life – but at least he was alive. Sometimes he was still navigating through the dark web, although it was rather a moral obligation than that he really thought to find a lead. Undoubtedly Maddox had dug himself in now they had discovered the link with Lotte's sister.

"You guys got mail." Chucky walked towards them with a pile of envelopes in his hands, dragging him out of his thoughts. "There's even a letter for me!"

They were just done having lunch, and the man handed them the envelops one by one. Juice froze when he saw his full name written on the front. His eyes flashed around to see if the others were just as suspicious as he was. Since he had received that horrible package a year ago, the mailman was filling him with fear at the most random moments. 

Jax was the first one opening the envelop. Juice watched his face, the letter shaking in his hand. The moment Jax's eyes flashed to Juice, he knew who had sent the mail. 

"What?" he asked, feeling short of breathe. "What is it? Some – some invitation? For their wedding?"

Wouldn't that be typical Maddox? Marrying Dana and somehow forcing him to watch? 

"No," Jax muttered, dropping his eyes. 

Juice's whole body started to shake. It was a message from Maddox, he could feel it. 

"What is it?"

Jax didn't answer.

There was a tearing sound; Kozik was sitting diagonally across from him, pulling a card out of the envelop. An enormous ice cube was growing inside Juice's chest; suddenly he was plagued by such a deep fear that he couldn't even see what was on the card. His breathing sped up in a dangerous pace when Kozik pressed his hands against his face and started to cry, his shoulders shaking. 

Juice could only stare at him, feeling paralyzed. 

He had never seen Kozik cry. 

Never. 

He had no idea if the others were talking, whether they were saying things to him. Suddenly he heard nothing but a dull static, as if someone had turned down the volume. 

He bent his head. 

_This doesn't have to do anything with Dana._

Maybe something had happened to Kozik's daughter. 

Juice felt sick of himself; hoping for a way out like that. 

With shaking fingers he opened the envelop. There were two cards in it.  _Congratulations_ was written on the first, the letters wreathed with roses. He turned the card around . 

_Dear Juan Carlos,_

_With deep regret I have to inform you that you won. Her love for you exceeds her love for me. Congratulations, I guess. I will give her back to you. Take good care of her. She loves red roses._

_\- Maddox_

A pang went through his chest, he tasted bile when he read the name of the man he hated so much. What was this all about? He glanced at the other side of the table. Had it been tears of joy? Everyone however was watching him in silence, with such an intensity that he forgot how to breathe. Swallowing, he put the card on the table and glanced at the next. His head seemed to overflow, thousands of thoughts entangled. 

Still, every thought died away when he looked at the card. 

It was a photo of Dana, depicted in shades of grey; she was sitting on the beach and staring forward. Next to it were three white blocks of texts.  _Dana Lowman,_ was written in the upper one. Below her name were two dates, and at the bottom stood  _forever in our hearts._

Juice opened the card; searching for the joke, for a threat written down on the inside. The text however was short.  _Her endless love led to her early death._ Her name was below it, and on the left side a text was written. Only after reading it – it was a description of the date and place where they could say their goodbyes; tomorrow – realization hit him like a truck. 

She was dead. 

She was dead because she couldn't stop loving him. 

By reflex, he pushed himself backwards, away from the letter of condolence, away from the truth. His chair dropped on the ground, but he didn't feel his head and back hitting the floor. All he felt was a raw, deep pain; more horrible than anything he had ever felt before, and he screamed, lashing out to stop the pain – as if her death was a monster that was tearing him to pieces, which he could kill as long as he would fight it. 

 


	59. Juice

A heavy hand landed upon his shoulder. Juice didn't know how, but somehow a voice managed to seep through the chaos in his head. 

"We don't know if it's true, son. Might be just another trick to fuck with our minds."

Juice rubbed his eyes. Hopeful, he looked up to his president. Could that be true? Was this just another prank Maddox was pulling? Was it a warning; a sign of what would happen if they kept trying to find Dana?

His breathing slowed down a bit, and the pain he had felt was expelled by shame. It was so easy. Maddox just had to clap his hands and they were all freaking out. His eyes shot to Kozik. He didn't know why, but if his brother believed that Clay could be right, he would believe it too. 

With a nod, Kozik agreed with Clay. Even though his eyes were still red, he seemed to have pulled himself together again. "Yeah, there's  a good chance you're right. After all, all this is just some sick game to him."

Juice rubbed his face, taking a few deep breaths. Clay offered his hand and pulled him on his feet. Juice's eyes shot to the card that was still on the table. Again he felt a stab in the chest, and with his fist he rubbed his ribs. It didn't make the pain go away. What if it was true? Would Maddox really kill the woman he went through so much trouble for? All this time he had raped her, why the hell would he care about her feelings now?

Or had it happened in a whim? Like the time he had killed Lotte? Like Maddox had murdered his daughter?

Again his hands started to shake and he couldn't breathe. Clay wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led him to the couch. Once he was sitting, someone pushed a glass of water and some pills in his hands. 

He was only partly aware of how he laid down on his side, clenching a cushion to his chest. Then he slipped into oblivion. 

* * *

Juice had no idea how he had gone through the night. With lots of panic attacks, that was for sure. When he sat next to Sack in the black van the next morning, not being able to ride, he felt completely exhausted. He felt empty. The thought that all this could be a trap, didn't bother him at all. If Maddox had wanted him dead, he would have died a long time ago. But he didn't want Juice to die; he wanted him to suffer. To suffer without an end. 

Juice didn't say a single word as they drove to Bakersfield. The last time he had been there was at the funeral of Dana's mom. That day he had realized that he loved her; when she had disappeared after a shooting on the cemetery. Opie had saved her back then. 

And now he was dead. 

And she might be as well. 

His life felt like a horror movie. 

From the corner of his eye he looked at Sack. He didn't talk either. He wasn't the same man as before; back in the day he had constantly made comments that even made Juice feel smart, and there had always been a grin on his face. Now he however hadn't smiled or smirked in months, as if the memory of how to do that had vanished too. 

Juice knew he still blamed the guy for his memory loss, even though he knew his brother couldn't do anything about it. Those memories however were still somewhere in his head – and a part of him was convinced that the man would find them back if he tried hard enough. 

* * *

Juice's legs could barely carry him as they walked to the funeral home. He had never been inside; he had only been on the adjacent cemetery. All Sons gathered in front of the entrance, awkwardly looking at each other. 

"I'm gonna take a look inside," Jax said. With a nod of his head he gestured Bobby to follow him. 

Juice paced in front of the door. Voices sounded from inside the building, although he had a feeling there weren't a lot of people. Now and then someone left the house, wiping his or her eyes with a tissue. He however was too stressed to be able to recognize people from the last funeral. 

Huddled together, they waited until Jax and Bobby returned. Jax sighed deeply as he laid a hand on his shoulder. 

"It's her. I'm so sorry brother." He pulled him in an embrace, kissing the top of his head.

Juice couldn't move. His breathing, his heart – everything just seemed to stop. His legs collapsed, but his VP caught him and helped him to sit on the ground. 

Juice stared forward. 

He even felt too numb to cry, to scream. 

He just wanted everything to cease to exist. He wanted to be dead too. Then all this would finally be over – for once and for all. 

For a long time he stared forward, feeling sedated, feeling defeated as he was sitting in front of the funeral home. In the end, Kozik and Clay pulled him on his feet. 

"Come, let's say our goodbyes to her." Kozik's voice sounded small. 

Juice let them drag him along. It felt like his feet were walking without his brain giving them the order to do so; all his emotions seemed to be paralyzed. 

And there she was, in a coffin. Eyes closed, hands laced on her waist.

Fluid itched down his cheeks. Apparently his tear ducts were working again.

"It looks like she's asleep." His voice sounded shaky. There were no traces of a fight.

Kozik didn't answer. With wide eyes he stared at the girl. The girl that he had known since she went to elementary school. 

Juice grabbed the edge of the coffin and looked at the huge tattoo on the column of her throat – the Crow. 

It was really her. It was his girl that was lying there. His fiance. 

His lips were quivering, he held out his hand and stroked her cheek. "Oh Dana..."

Sobbing, he clung to the wood. It was so unfair. Of all the people he knew, she was the one who deserved to be the happiest. Tears dropped down as he leaned over her and kissed her lips. They seemed to feel warm, as if she had died just a couple of minutes ago. 

Maybe it wasn't even his imagination. Maybe Maddox had killed her an hour ago while he had done nothing to find and save her. 

As usual. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, caressing her cheek, her hair. "I'm so sorry."

He clenched his other hand into a fist, pressing it against his mouth. 

It had been two years since he had seen her; since she had left him behind in an abandoned church, bleeding. And now she was dead. She had never wanted to die – no matter how tough things were, she had always wanted to live.

His fingertips glided down her neck, across the ink that looked new. Ink that should have bound the two of them together – but that would perish now, with the rest of her body. He kept stroking her skin, kept pretending that she was sleeping, that she would wake up now he had finally found her. All this had to be a trick  to return to him, so that they could finally be together again. 

But slowly, the cold truth crept into his heart.

If they would ever be together again, it wasn't in this world. 

 


	60. Kozik

Seeing his friend so broken, somehow helped Kozik to control his own emotions. A few tears were dripping down his cheeks, but dragging Juice through this awful pain gave him a purpose, a mission, something to keep his thoughts away from this horror. Gently, he shook Juice's shoulder. After Lotte had died, Juice had clung to her body for hours, so he doubted Juice would let go of Dana without a little encouragement. 

More people were waiting. Family members, he assumed. People she hadn't talked to in years. People around who she had grown up, who had gone to school with her. None of them had really known her – none of them knew that Juice was her fiance, nor did they know what horrible things had happened to her the past two years. 

Kozik's grasp around the man's shoulder became a little more compelling. "Come on kid."

He shook his head. "No. No I don't wanna leave her. I don't want to. I wanna stay with her."

The despair that coloring his voice, made Kozik's heart squeeze. 

"She's gone," he said quietly. "She found her peace. She's with Tabitha now. She's holding your little girl in her arms."

Juice wiped his cheek with his shoulder, although it didn't stop a single tear. "I need to... I need go to them too. They're waiting for me, they..." He took a deep breath. Fluid glistened underneath his nose. 

"Not yet. You have to tell everyone how amazing she was, you have to make sure nobody will forget about her, so that she will never  _truly_ die. You have to keep the memory of her alive." He squeezed his shoulder once more. "It's only you and me, brother. Sack doesn't remember her and Hap can't even say his goodbyes to her."

Juice pursed his lips. Once more he caressed her face, burying his hand in her blonde hair and pressing his forehead against hers. After kissing her lips, he stood straight. "Goodbye my love," he whispered. "Give Tabitha a squeezing hug from me. I love you both."

Wobbly, he turned around and shuffled away. Kozik saw that Bobby was waiting for him at the corner, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

Kozik gave himself a minute. In silence he looked at the girl he had sworn to protect. His true feelings for her had always been a mystery, but the thought that he would never hear her laughter again, that he would never hear her joyful voice again, cut through his heart like a knife. 

Before the grief would paralyze him, he laid a kiss on her forehead. "Farewell sweetheart. The world lost a little of its beauty today."

After these words he took a deep breath and turned around. He noticed that Half Sack had waited for him to finish, and with his head he gestured the man to come closer. 

The blonde biker came to stand next to him and stared into the coffin. His eyes wandered across her face, almost desperately. How would it be to know that someone was supposed to mean a lot to you, but that you weren't able to feel it? 

Sighing, Sack turned away from the coffin. "I hoped that seeing her like this would trigger a memory, but there's nothing. Nothing at all..."

Kozik squeezed his shoulder. "Maybe it's a blessing that you don't feel this pain."

"Maybe..." He muttered. "But feeling nothing... hurts too."

* * *

After the funeral, Kozik went to Clay and Jax; their glances told him they had already been waiting for him. 

"You okay brother?" Jax asked. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

He looked past the men. It was Juice he was worried about. He was sitting on a bench, staring forward without seeing anything. Bobby was sitting next to him so that he wasn't alone, and Kozik didn't plan on leaving him alone anytime soon. 

He aimed his glance back at the two men next to him. 

"You wanna come with us when we're going to interrogate the undertaker?"

Kozik hesitated. If he was honest, he felt too emotional for an interrogation; he didn't want his emotions to control him, causing an innocent person to suffer. "Think it's better if you do. I trust you. Lemme know what you find out."

Jax nodded, hugging him shortly. Clay nodded to him and Kozik returned to Juice. He sat down next to him. 

"You shouldn't be alone now Juice," he said carefully. "None of us should. How about living at my place for a while? You need someone around you – and to be honest I need that too. And I'd be able to keep an eye on Mikey when you're having a hard time."

Juice didn't move. He still stared forward, sedated. Kozik doubted the man had heard him at all, until his lips started to move. 

"Yeah," he said in a gravelly voice. "Guess you're right." Skittishly, he looked op. "Thanks."

Kozik wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulder and leaned with his head against his. "I need you just as much as you need me."

Only the thought that Juice was at his house, would already keep him from constantly worrying that the guy would OD again.

"Let's go home," he said. "I know that we both feared this outcome, but at least it's over now. We don't have to fear that every person we meet is one of Maddox's accomplices, and we no longer have to feel guilty for not being able to do anything while she's... going through hell. She found her peace now. Wherever she is – it can't be worse than the place she escaped from."

Juice looked up. Tears were shining in his eyes. "So many times I have wished that she would die... And now I feel guilty. You know – at first she didn't want a relationship with me at all because she was afraid of what Maddox would do to me. And now – now her feelings for me have led to her own death. If I hadn't persuaded her, if I hadn't..."

"He still would have found her, Juice. She still would have hated him, leading to the same outcome. I'm sure your love is the most beautiful thing that has happened to her. You should never regret that. Cherish it."

He dropped his eyes. Despite the tears, the corners of his mouth curled up a little. "It feels like she's talking to me now."

"We might have lost contact for a couple of years, but our bond ran deep. I know her. I know she would have agreed with me."

Juice nodded slowly and stood up. Kozik did the same, and he was a little surprised when the man gave him a squeezing hug. He felt Juice's body shaking against his and realized how much he needed someone who was there for him, who told him how to move on.

"Sack's gonna take you to my house, okay? I make sure Mikey spends another night at Amy's."

He had told the woman what had happened, and she had offered to look after Mikey for as long as was needed. He liked the thought; he knew how hard it had to be for a child to see a fatherly figure being torn apart by grief. 

Juice nodded and the two men said their goodbyes and promised to see each other at his house a few hours later. 

* * *

Around eight, he opened the door for Jax and let him in. Giving the man a beer, he sat down on the couch next to him. 

"Is Juice here?"

Kozik nodded. "He's asleep. I'll tell him later what you have discovered."

"Which is not much," Jax sighed. "Like always, he erased his tracks very well. The guy who had arranged the funeral, went home sick two hours before the building was opened to the public. His colleague took his place, but all he had to do was being the host. We went to the first undertaker, but he wasn't able to tell us anything anymore."

"He's dead?"

"Lost his memory."

Sighing, Kozik leaned back in the couch. Of course he had. "There were no other data?"

"Random addresses and phone numbers. The undertaker that was around today, looked into the autopsy report and told me she was poisoned."

Kozik wasn't surprised. He had seen no signs of struggle. 

"Then it was a quick death," he mused. "And now? We're letting him go?"

He knew Jax was still thirsty for vengeance since the man had killed his mother.

"I don't think we have a choice," Jax muttered. "We're trying to find him for two years now. The only moments of contacts were on his initiative and were only meant to torture us. His game is over now. And we lost."

"Yeah." Kozik leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his face. "Hap's gonna disagree."

The thought about his friend made his stomach ache. He had his hands full with Juice, but he was just as worried about Happy. He would dig his own grave just as easily. Not because he could no longer bear the thought to live, but because his anger and powerlessness would be so devastating that he would lash out to every inmate or guard until he got death row. 

"There ain't much Happy can do about it."

Kozik snorted. "He's gonna believe otherwise."

 


	61. Kozik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed chapter 58 was missing, which is a super important one so I'd recommend to read it. :)   
> Sorry!

Kozik wiped his clammy hands to his pants. He told himself that he had gone through this before, the day that he had to tell Happy that Maddox had found his sister. This time, Happy would already know. Since Dana's only living relatives were in jail, the news must have reached them days ago. The fact that his request wasn't denied, meant that Happy hadn't messed it up as much as he had feared; he hadn't ended up in solitary or death row. That was a good sign – right?

Nevertheless, Kozik had the feeling that he was on his way to a bomb that could explode any moment, without anything to protect himself. There was no doubt in his mind that Happy blamed him personally for not finding his sister. He would blame them all – he would blame the whole world, he would hate everything and everyone around him.

The pieces of paper he had taken with him, were shaking in his hand. The moment he sat at the table, he put them down. He didn't want Happy to see his trembling hands, it was better to keep his nervousness to himself. The papers were a request for a transfer of Dana's grave. Dana's father couldn't sign it; he was separated from the rest of the world for at least a year – he was in legal terms dead, by which the pen ended up in Happy's hands

They wanted to move the grave to Charming. Not only because it was easier to visit, also because her daughter had been buried there. There was even a spot available next to the little girl. Juice wanted it really bad – the two together, so he could visit them at the same time. A little family reunion. He in the world of the living, them being dead.

Kozik found it hard to read Juice – not enough time had passed to decide how he was doing. Yesterday had been the first day he had been able to see his nephew again, and Kozik believed he found comfort in the little boy. The kid convinced his uncle that he couldn't just leave this life. He had nobody else and it gave Juice a purpose, someone to care for.

Whether it would be enough for Juice, Kozik didn't know.

Especially when the summer break would be over, when the boy would go to school again. When the pain would be less sharp; changed into a heavy burden, making every move hard. A burden that might be too heavy to bear one day.

Kozik was dragged out of his thoughts when Happy sat down across from him. His face was blank, although that shouldn't surprise him. Whether he would walk to the electric chair or the aisle, Kozik doubted his facial expression would ever change.

As if the papers were crinkled, he smoothed them over. "You holding up?"

Usually he would have hugged the man, but instinctively he felt that it was better not to touch him.

"I'm fine."

Kozik tapped with his fingers on the table, not knowing what more to say. There was no reason to lie and Happy's calmness worried him; it was a sharp contrast with the time Kozik had told him that Dana was gone.

Taking a deep breath, he shoved the papers forward. "Juice wants to transfer her grave to Charming. To their daughter."

Happy nodded slowly. He read the paper and signed it. Then he aimed his glance back to Kozik. It felt like he was trying to break into his thoughts, as if he was looking for information.

"She ain't dead," he stated.

The words were so unexpected that it took Kozik a few seconds to hear what the man was saying. And then he understood. His calmness, his stoicism. Happy hadn't seen her, hadn't touched her. He was living in denial, his brain couldn't comprehend that his little sister was gone, that he hadn't been able to protect her.

"I understand how hard it must be for you," he said, hesitating. "Especially because you couldn't say goodbye, like we did."

"She ain't dead," he repeated stubbornly.

"We all saw her, Hap. I laid a kiss on her forehead. It was her."

"It was a trick."

Sighing, Kozik raked a hand through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do with this? Should he allow his friend to live in this fantasy?

"What makes you think she's still alive?" he answered eventually. "I've seen her," he repeated. "I touched her."

"That guy is capable of wiping someone's memories, why the hell shouldn't he be able to fake someone's death? Bet it makes a shitload of money; necrophiliacs don't have a lot of places to go to."

Kozik rubbed his face. "I understand it's hard –"

"She called me, a couple a days ago, before she 'died'. It was a goodbye. I know her man. She wants us to stop looking, she wants all of you to move on. You really think that motherfucker will ever kill her? Why would he? She got no place to go. He'd rather lock her up in his basement until he's in the mood the fuck her again – he has no reason to kill her." He leaned back in his chair, looking at him with a newfound fanaticism. "You know her too. Or she knows that she will never get away and want us to let her go, or she tries to convince Maddox that all the ties with her former life are cut. We share the same blood. She's gonna kill him, she's gonna let him pay for what he did to her little girl, for what he did to Juice. Maybe the fact that we would stop looking makes things easier for her. One of the last things she told me, was that I had to trust her. Now I get why."

Kozik massaged his temples. He had a point... But maybe he just wanted it too badly. Her still being alive; faking her own death to give them peace – or maybe Maddox had done it himself to get rid of them.

"I dunno..." he muttered.

"Dig her up. Prove me wrong."

Kozik's eyes shot to Happy's. Of course, his face was still blank. "You want me to dig up your dead little sister?"

He didn't blink. "Yeah."

* * *

Hey all! I've started a new Juice fic, it's called 'Roomies'. Most of my other stories are so dark or dramatic that it's sometimes messing with my mood, so I kinda wanted something lighter and funnier now the summer has started. ;D

This is the blurb (:  _Getting a room mate sounded like an easy way to save money. However, being stuck with the most annoying girl on the planet wasn't what Juice had in mind when he opened his apartment to what he thought was a decent and quiet young man._

You'd be the best to check it out! (:

Also, I'd love to hear what you think of this story, I don't even know if people are still reading it :')


	62. Kozik

The application was submitted. Instead of digging up her body, he had gone to the funeral house to ask Skeeter if he could look into the coffin before it would be buried later that day. Since the man had a habit of doing favors for the club, he had agreed without asking questions.

Happy's words kept racing through his head. What should he do when Dana's body wasn't in the coffin? Tell the others? He had no idea if Dana had a plan, so it was impossible to estimate how he could help her. He wished that she had called him too; then he could have trusted his own intuition instead of Happy's.

He glanced at the other side of the table. Juice was shoving his food around his plate. He looked horrible. There were large bags below his eyes, and even after one week he had lost a lot of weight. The hope that Dana might be still alive would undoubtedly make him feel better – but for how long? How much longer could he bear the thought that she was still terrorized by her rapist and the murderer of her child and mother? Kozik already felt how it was tearing him apart. A part of him believed Happy, and if he would find her body in the coffin tomorrow it would feel like she had died again. Hope made people feel alive – but it could be devastating as well.

The insecurity... He thought it was heavier to bear than the grief.

Every period of mourning came to a conclusion. The insecurity however never ended.

* * *

Before Kozik went to the funeral house he bought a few bouquets and visited the graves of Opie, Chibs, Gemma and Tabitha. It wasn't something he did often, but now he was here it felt wrong to ignore them.

Three friends who he had lost because of the same man. None of them had gotten justice; Maddox could still do whatever he wanted and Kozik felt so frustrated about it that he dreamed at least once a week about one of them appearing to him, calling him a traitor because he hadn't avenged them.

He shook off the dark thoughts. He had done everything he could; he was no wizard – he couldn't do the impossible. He had to acknowledge that Maddox was superior to them, as much as it was contrary to his nature. Sometimes one was confronted with enemies they couldn't defeat. That was just life.

Gravel squealed underneath his boots as he made his way along the graves. He was too early for his appointment with Skeeter, although he doubted the man would mind.

It was cold in the funeral home when he entered the building. Apart from him, there was nobody.

It didn't take long before the undertaker showed up and led him to an adjacent room where he was keeping the coffin. Nervousness was squeezing his guts as he walked closer.

What if she was really in it?

What if she wasn't?

He didn't even know what he favored; it would be a shock anyway. He had to deal with her death for the second time, or he had to accept that she was still suffering.

After taking a deep breath, he lifted the lid.

It was empty, there were only stones in it.

Dazed, he stepped back, the lid fell back with a bang. The impact of the blow traveled through his body.

She wasn't dead. She wasn't dead at all.

* * *

"You were right."

Three days had passed since he had discovered the truth about Dana's death. Ever since, his mood was darting between two opposite emotions.

Happy sighed on the other end of the line. Kozik could clearly hear his relief – apparently he had been less convinced of his own rightness than he had wanted Kozik to believe.

"What now?" Kozik asked quietly. "I haven't told the others yet."

"Better keep it that way," Happy said to his surprise.

"You sure?" Kozik could barely believe his ears.

"This is family business, not club business."

Kozik wasn't sure if he agreed with Happy, but deep down he knew this was the right decision. Not only for Juice, also for the others. What was the point in telling them that she was still alive if they couldn't do anything to get her back? Dana and Maddox wouldn't reach out to them again. There was a big chance they would never see her back anyway, and he felt how the hope for her return was already messing with his head.

"Okay. I'll keep the truth to myself."

It was silent for a while. "Thanks," Happy said. "We've tried it our way so many times and it never led us anywhere. Now I have to trust her. But I... I had to know for sure."

"Yeah..."

Kozik understood – but he felt the heavy weight of the secret on his shoulders.

If they ever found out the truth, he might lose his patch. Or his life.

But that was something he was willing to sacrifice. For Dana's safety, for Juice's mental health – and he also believed it was what was best for the club.

Now they were no longer focusing on an elusive enemy, the club could look to the future again, instead of dwelling on the past.


	63. Juice

Five weeks after Dana's funeral

_Water from his swimming short dripped on his toes as he watched her. She was lying on her back, using a rolled up beach towel as a pillow. His beach towel, he realized. Her large sunglasses were shielding her eyes. Slowly, her chest was rising and falling. Was she asleep? For a while he just admired the girl he desired so much_ _– and who was completely his. Her skin had tanned a little the past months, making her look even more beautiful. The top was decorated with black and white zig-zag lines, her bikini briefs black with black and white strings connecting the front and the back. Strings that he desperately wanted to pull loose._

 _Instead of giving in to his longing, he laid down on his stomach. The sand felt hot against his skin, although it didn't take long before the burning sensation disappeared. Leaning on his elbows, he hovered his head above hers, pressing a kiss to her lips_ _– upside down._

_"You're in my light," she muttered._

_"You **are**  my light."_

_Chuckling, she opened her eyes. "Slimeball."_

_In agreement, he licked her nose, making her slap his cheek while laughing. "Don't lick my nose."_

_"No?" He sat down on his knees behind her, his fingers gliding up from her shoulders, across her neck to her cheeks. "Then what **do** you want me to lick?"_

_"Just get an ice cream."_

_Once more he bent over, kissing her. Despite her suggestion for an ice cream, she raised her hands and slipped them across his neck, as if she was afraid that he would get up. As soon as her lips parted, his tongue slipped between them. He had never kissed her from this angle, and fanatically he explored her mouth. After a while his head started to feel heavy because of all the blood being drained to it, and it didn't take long before dizziness made its entrance. Reluctantly, he pulled back his head, blinking a few times until the black spots disappeared._

_"You still want an ice cream?"_

_"I always want an ice cream."_

_Chuckling, he had to agree. He got on his feet and held out his hand. "You walk with me?"_

_She sat up straight and looked around. "That beach cafe is a long way from here, I guess not much will be left of it if you get me one."_

_"I can be very quick."_

_She started to laugh and grabbed his hand so he could pull her on her feet. "You can be very clumsy too. Like running across the beach and tripping."_

_"Then you'd have a sand dip. I bet you like it."_

_"Idiot." Her arms glided around him, her hands wandering across his still soaked swimming suit, kneading his ass._

_Juice forgot about the ice creams the moment she pulled him close. Through the fabric of her top he could feel how hard her nipples were, and he was sure she could also feel how hard he was. Raking a hand through her golden hair, he lifted her sunglasses and put them on her head so he could look into her eyes._

_"I love you, baby.  I hope this will never end."_

_Dana smiled_ _– it was a bit of a sad smile, and his stomach cramped._

_"If that ever happens, it wasn't my choice." Her fingertips danced across his cheek as she looked into his eyes. "I love you too. I can't imagine I will ever stop loving you."_

_Her lips came closer, and they lost themselves in an intimate kiss, the ice creams forgotten._

* * *

More than a year Juice had blocked memories like these, as if he was afraid they would slip away forever if he allowed them. He had been afraid that they would hurt  _–_ and they did. It however was a sweet pain, different than the raw loss he was feeling otherwise. By reliving the good memories, it felt like he was cementing a part of her inside his heart. And there were more and more memories that were brought back – little things he hadn't thought about in months. 

Her grave was the only place where he allowed himself to dig into his memories. It felt like they were still a little bit together here. Somewhere, beyond the here and now, beyond the tangible. 

Kozik believed he spent too much time here. That he was getting entangled in the past, that he was losing sight of reality. Juice didn't mind. This was better than getting drunk, right? Better than beating pushy croweaters, better than killing himself. 

He wasn't hurting anybody with this. Mikey was at school and his brothers would call him when they needed them. They knew he would come. 

Breathing just seemed easier when he was leaning against her headstone and when he wandered around in his memories he didn't feel so cold. For now it helped him to move on – and that was what really mattered right? He believed he was doing well. Better than he had thought; he had expected to find himself somewhere in a gutter by now, but being here gave him peace. He thought to feel her closeness, just like that of their little girl. 

The crunching of gravel distracted him. He however didn't look up, he wanted to pretend that he was alone, he had nothing to do with anyone else. The footsteps however stopped in front of Dana's grave and Juice's glance slowly moved upwards. 

The moment he saw who was standing in front of him, his eyes went wide. 

A storm of emotions arose inside him, so fierce that he couldn't get a word out. 

 


	64. Juice

Juice got up, squeezing his fingers so tight it hurt. A cold hatred flared up, making him breathe hard. "Where did you get the balls to show your face here?" he snapped. 

Although the rage was radiating from his face, she didn't step back. With slumped shoulders she looked at him. "I'm so sorry Juice." She rubbed her eyes. 

"You're  _sorry?_ " he grumbled. More anger flared up in his chest and he stepped closer to her. " _You're sorry??_ If you truly felt sorry, you would have hung yourself from a tree a long time ago!"

She flinched when he stood in front of her, grabbing her arm. More tears rolled down her cheeks. "I couldn't," she sniffled. "It felt like a too easy way out. And I thought – I thought she wouldn't want me to die. I hoped – I hoped she would forgive me one day."

There was nothing he wanted to do more than strangling her, than squeezing all the life out of her. Deep down he however knew that wasn't the right thing to do – and especially not at a graveyard. He wasn't the only one seeking justice.

"Why the hell would she ever forgive you!" he snapped. "It's your fault that our daughter is dead. It's your fault that she's dead herself!" Tears of powerlessness jumped into his eyes. 

"I didn't know – I didn't know she was pregnant." Cherry started to cry even harder.

He couldn't care less. He despised her tears – she had no right to bawl her eyes out. All of this was her fucking fault,  _she_ had taken Dana to Maddox!

"I'm sorry Juice," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry." Her hairs were sticking to her face and she dropped on her knees on the ground. Her arms wrapped around her upper body, she cradled herself.

It took Juice a hell of an effort not to kick her in the face. "What difference does your regret make, huh? Are those crocodile tears bringing them back? Well?" He grabbed her hair and yanked back her head. "Well?! Is your sorry gonna bring my girls back?!" He spitted in her face. "What the fuck are you doin' here, you stupid cunt? I swore I would kill you if I ever saw your face again. You thought I was bluffing?!" By her hair, he pulled her on her feet, making her scream. "I'll never get a hold on Maddox, but at least it will give a little bit of satisfaction to jam a knife in your stomach."

Sobbing, she wobbled on her legs. "Please Juice," she whispered. "Please let me sit at her grave for a while. Please let me say goodbye. I know I made a horrible mistake, something I can never make up for. But I – I have to tell her how sorry I am. In case – in case her soul is still wandering around, not able to find peace because of what I did."

With a sigh, Juice pushed her away. She fell on her knees in the gravel and crying she crawled to the grave. Bent over, she kept sitting there. Her shoulders were shaking, her lips muttering words he couldn't understand.

With a straight face Juice watched her, his hand close to the gun behind his waistband. The moment she would try to escape, he would gun her down. This time Dana would get justice – whatever it would take.

Cherry however made no move to flee. Maybe she had already known what fate was hanging over her head. It calmed him down a little. 

After a long time, Cherry got on her feet. She looked around and her glance rested upon the little grave next to Dana's. "Your daughter," she said softly. "What happened to her?"

"What do you  _think_ happened to her?" he grumbled. 

Shakily, she breathed in, wiping her cheeks again. "I – I never expected him to be that insane."

Her words made him feel sick. "He wasn't convincing enough on Christmas Eve?"

Bending her head, she stayed silent. 

Juice grabbed her arm. "I'm taking you to the clubhouse. If you try to get away, I put a bullet in your brain."

Cherry nodded meekly. "I got nowhere to go. I haven't for a long time."

Juice couldn't call up the slightest bit of empathy. He didn't give a fuck about how she had gotten through the past two years. Being convinced that she wouldn't run away, he let go of her as they walked to the parking lot.

"You guys uh – you ever heard from Kip again?" she asked quietly. 

Juice briefly glanced at her. "He's back."

Her eyes widened. "W-what?"

He didn't give her an explanation. She would discover soon enough that he couldn't remember her. Silently she sat on the back of his bike. Her hands were shaking as she placed them on his hips. 

"Is the club gonna kill me?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"I wish I could blow up your brain right now," he answered grimly. "But I'm finally on good terms with them again so I won't let you fuck things up again. I'll follow the rules of the club and if they don't agree with your death, I'm gonna make damn sure I get justice in a different way." He started the bike. "So yeah, you're miserable life will be over soon."

 


	65. Cherry

It was strange to be back in the clubhouse after two years. It had never felt like a true home, not knowing if others considered her as a croweater or an old lady. Before she dated Kip, Clay had made her fuck him and ever since she felt used when he was in the same room. 

With Dana's arrival, things had changed. She finally had a female friend with whom she could laugh and talk about anything. She remembered how they had decorated the clubhouse with boob balloons when Tig turned fifty, and how they had played strippoker with Kip and Juice. They had even joked about having a threesome. 

But now Dana was dead and Juice wanted to slit her throat. 

How would Kip react on her return? Did he hate her just as much as the man who was walking next to her, a man so full of grudge that his heavy footsteps alone made her flinch? 

She looked around. Although she saw some cuts, she only recognized Bobby. Juice pushed her into the couch and turned away from her. With large steps he walked away, snapping at a random guy that he had to keep an eye on her. 

As if she had any place to go to.

She was living on the streets for two years now. It had been easy to fall back in old rhythms; selling her body had been the easiest way to make money. It however hadn't lasted very long; and in the end she'd gotten together with some guys – guys that kept her off the street. Despite their attention she still loved Kip, not an hour passed by without thinking about him. She had been convinced that he was dead, that Maddox had killed him months ago. 

But he had set him free.

And she hadn't known.

As she heard footsteps, she looked up. Leaving the workshop, a few people entered the clubhouse – Kozik, Jax, Clay... and Kip. Her heart skipped a beat. For a moment she didn't care how he felt about her; she jumped up, rushed towards him and wrapped her arms around him. 

"It's really you," she whispered. "Oh god, it's really you."

Tears itched down her cheeks when she pulled him closer. As soon as his scent surrounded her, she started to cry uncontrollably. 

"I thought you were dead," she sniffled. "I thought I would never see you again."

He said nothing. He had laid a hand on her back, but he wasn't really holding her. She looked up to him, cupping his jaws with her hands. He looked older – there were deep lines in his face and the playful look that had always been in his eyes was gone. 

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly. Her thumbs stroked the small hairs on his cheeks. 

"Um... I don't know who you are," he muttered. "I mean um – I know that your name is Cherry and that we used to be in a relationship – they told me that – but I can't remember you. I'm sorry."

Confused, Cherry stepped back. "W-what?"

"Maddox erased my memory."

She covered her mouth with her hand. That was... horrible! How many times had she relied on her good memories? He had lost all of them...

She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked to the side. It was Kozik. Skittishly she looked at him, but his eyes weren't full of hatred. "Why don't you two go to his room and talk for a bit? Tell him things... try to call up his memories."

Cherry nodded. Her hand slipped into Kip's and she led him away from the others. She could feel their hatred, but she was glad about this opportunity. Maybe this might save her. Maybe their anger would subside a bit if she brought back his memories – then she would finally have done something good. And maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't kill her. 

* * *

Cherry shared every memory she had. 

It didn't help. 

Gently they kissed each other, hoping to call up something else than memories. Unbuttoning her blouse, she allowed him to caress her breasts while she waited, feeling tense. 

With a deep sigh he pulled back his hand. "Sorry. I don't feel or remember anything."

She bit her lip. Somehow she was glad that he neither remembered what she had done and what Maddox had done to him, but she had always believed their love could transcend everything. But no. Everything that had ever existed between them, was gone now. And as much as it frustrated her, his clenched fists told her that it frustrated him even more. As if she had been his last hope to find back himself. 

"Maybe it will come back later," she suggested, taking his hand in hers. "If we see each other more often. Maybe it just needs time."

Maybe he would fall in love with her again, so that they could start with a new leaf. Oh, how she wished for a new start with him...

He however pulled back his hand, shaking his head. "There's no point in getting to know someone who I will lose before the end of the week."

Her heart crumbled down. He agreed with her death. 

The man she loved more than anything in the world, the man for whom she had given up  _everything_ , agreed with her death. 

Bending her head, she listened how he left the room. 

Maybe it wasn't so bad to die. Now they all hated her. Now there was no forgiveness in their hearts anymore. Because this... this wasn't much of a life either.

 


	66. Kozik

Kozik was the last one entering Chapel, closing the door behind him. It wasn't hard to predict how this conversation would go, but he would do his best to prevent another grave from being filled. 

"I don't have to explain to you what Cherry did," Clay started. Although a few members had patched in since that day, everyone knew about the tragedy that happened two years ago. "She ratted on us and we all know the price she's gotta pay."

Kozik's eyes shot to Juice. He was leaning back in his chair, his eyes dark. Between his fingers dangled a cigarette, and Kozik had to admit that he disliked his current demeanor; being so nonchalant about the death of a young girl. 

"Can't we just excommunicate her?" Kozik suggested. "She got no one else. Isn't that enough punishment?"

"She was already excommunicated," Juice grunted. "What's the point of excommunicating someone if she ignores it?"

Back then it hadn't been a club decision, but a decision Juice had made on his own. However, nobody had disagreed with him, so there was no point in bringing it up. The faces of the others told him that they were picking Juice's side, although Sack had bent his head. He might not remember his ex, but he probably knew that the  _real_ Sack hadn't been supportive of this.

"She just wanted to say goodbye to Dana, like we all did."

Juice snorted. "She had no right to visit her grave. She has to pay for what she has done. I can't stand the fact that she's still breathing while my girls are dead. Because of her."

Kozik refused to admit his defeat already. It just didn't feel right. Yeah, Cherry had made a horrible mistake – but what good was it going to do them to kill her? There was enough blood on their hands. He didn't believe that killing Cherry would give Juice real satisfaction. Not when she knew how wrong she had been and was prepared to face the consequences of her deeds. "Hasn't there enough blood been shed? Maddox took so many people from us, you really want to give him this satisfaction too?"

"This isn't about his satisfaction. It's about mine. I want her dead. I want justice."

Kozik's eyes glided across the faces of the others. Clay and Jax could easily immerse themselves in Juice's mind – after what had happened to Gemma, they understood his thirst for blood. 

"Dana wouldn't have wanted her to die," Kozik said quietly. "She would have considered Cherry as a victim, just like she was." He thought about the time she had killed Opie. That had been a similar sick game. Dana had to choose between Opie and his kids; Cherry between her old man and friend. 

"Well Dana is dead so we can't ask her!" Juice snapped. 

 _But she isn't dead. If she ever comes back, she won't forgive you for murdering her friend to honor **her**. _He was thinking about saying those words out loud; to admit that she was still alive. But then what? It wouldn't change Juice's opinion about Cherry. Plus, he was probably called a traitor too and it wouldn't save the girl. 

"You know her. You know she wouldn't want this," Kozik said nevertheless. "She made mistakes too – we all did. She wouldn't want more people to die because of her."

"Well nobody else made mistakes that killed my daughter!" the man snarled, and his face was turning red. Whether he would start to cry or smash the place up, was hard to tell. 

Kozik sighed, rubbing his face. He didn't know what more to say. He didn't want to cause a schism within the club, that wouldn't be good to anyone. Even if he would be the only one voting against Cherry's death, he knew Juice wouldn't let her go. Then he would kill her secretly, and he didn't want to burden his friend with that. 

Juice wanted to follow the club rules this time, which was already a contrast with how he had dealt with Lotte's betrayal. 

"What do you think?" he asked, looking at Sack. "I know you can't remember her, but still."

Kip glanced back and shrugged his shoulders. "We have those rules for a reason. Rats deserve to die – whether we feel attached to them or not. Isn't that how the club works? 

Kozik sighed. It wasn't as black and white as he stated. Sometimes people deserved a second chance, especially if they would lead that life far away from Charming. He however realized no one was sharing his opinion. 

"Fine. I'm down with whatever choice you make, although I don't agree."

* * *

The girl was shaking as they took her to a corner of the workshop and sent everyone but the Sons out. Kozik found it hard to look at her. Hopefully he glanced at Juice, hoping her fear would soften his heart, but the look in his eyes was steely. 

And if he went through with this, his heart would only grow colder.

When she started to cry, something broke inside him. He couldn't help but wonder what Juice would have done himself if he had been in Cherry's shoes – what he would do if he got the chance to trade Dana for one of his brothers. 

Kozik pulled Cherry in a hug, rubbing her back. "It will be quick," he promised. 

It was all he could say. His throat felt swollen – it was a horrible situation. 

Sobbing, she clung to his body. "I don't wanna die," she sobbed. "I don't wanna die, please. Please."

He thought back to what Dana had done; how she had hold Opie while killing him. Pulling his gun, he pushed it against her head while still holding her close. He didn't care if Juice wanted to do it himself. He was the SAA, this was his task. 

The gun shook against the girl's head. 

"Sorry," he whispered.

But he couldn't do it. He simply couldn't pull the trigger and he lowered his arm. Tears were stinging in his eyes. "This is so wrong!" 

Hands pulled him away from Cherry. From the corner of his eye he saw how Juice was raising his own gun. Without a shred of doubt, he shot the girl through the head. 

Kozik wiped his eyes. He had seen many people die, but it never had hit him like it was doing now. He tasted bile. 

Clay laid his hand on Juice's shoulder and squeezed. "I'm proud of you, son."

His president's words filled Kozik with disgust. 

Juice didn't say a word, he turned around and left the workshop as if it all meant nothing to him. 

Kozik looked at the girl that was lying on the ground, her eyes wide. Blood gushed out of the wound in her forehead. Sack walked past his brothers and crouched down next to his ex's body. Stroking the hair from her face, he kissed her softly. Briefly, he wiped his eyes. 

Kozik knelt down next to him. "You remember her?" 

"No," the boy muttered. "But it hurts nevertheless."

Kozik bent his head in agreement. _Yes, it does._

 

 


	67. Dana

_A year after Dana's funeral_

With wide eyes, Dana stared down. 

Ruben had gone down on a knee, an opened jewelry box in his hand. A large diamond sparkled in the light of the setting sun. 

Just like during her previous proposal, she hadn't seen it coming. In his eyes she read the same insecurity she had seen in Juice's eyes – and again she was speechless.

By now she knew her way around Ruben. It had been months since she had seen a glimpse of Maddox, but crazy stuff like this scared her again. An absolute 'yes' would make him suspicious and he wouldn't agree with a 'no'. She had no idea what kind of mind game he was playing this time. 

In the end Dana decided to be true to herself. Honesty had brought her the most, even when she sometimes told him things he didn't want to hear. As long as she kept calm and gentle, she could deal with him. 

"I just don't know what the point is, Ruben." She bent through her knees until she was on the same level as he and looked at him. "Dana is dead. She can't marry. And apart from that, we're stuck on an island together. For who are we celebrating?"

A muscle in his cheek tensed, creating a cramping feeling around her heart. Instead of shrinking back from him, she laid her hand across his and kept his glance. She wanted him to come up with a solution for this – she wanted him to finally take her away from this god forsaken island. As long as she was here, there was no way to escape. Even if she managed to get past the guards and take a boat, she had no idea where to go to. Floating around on open sea together with her little boy was an even worse nightmare than her life was now. 

"We would do it for us," he answered. "You would choose me."

"But what's the point of a wedding if nobody knows about it? What's there to choose? Why wearing rings that connect us when nobody can see them?" She sat down in the sand, searching for the right tone. Sometimes it was helpful to talk to him like he was a child, but at other times it made him furious and right now it felt like they were sailing uncharted waters. 

"Then what do you want?" he grunted. "You want me to invite your brother? Or maybe your ex?"

"Dana Lowman is dead," she repeated. "So no, that's not what I want." Heaving a sigh, she leaned back in the sand. "Do you want to stay here forever, Ruben? I still feel like a prisoner, even though I gave up everything for you. I died for you. Casper is small now, but I don't want to raise him on an island. I want him to go to school, to make friends. He needs those contacts; isolation isn't good for a child."

 _And neither for us,_ Dana thought, although she kept those words to herself. 

"Where would you want to go?" he asked after a while. 

She shrugged her shoulders. "Far away from my former life. Maybe Europe?" She wrapped her arms around her knees. "I know that it scares you, that you're afraid to lose me again. But you aren't the person who abducted me, Ruben. You know that. It's been a long time since you made me cry. But sometimes... sometimes I feel lonely. I miss having friends."

His eyes wandered to the jewelry box. "So if we would leave... if you would meet new people... you would want to marry me? I can get you a new identity..."

"And one for yourself," she said quietly. "I won't marry Maddox. I want to marry you, Ruben. I want you to leave your alter ego on this island."

He looked pensively at her, but his dark eyes didn't frighten her. Could she really convince him to leave this place? He had to see that a marriage with fake names didn't mean anything, right? But maybe he wouldn't. He was living this lie for three years now – and sometimes she did it too. Compared to the first two years her life wasn't so bad now; he treated her well. 

But still. 

Still Juice was always in her heart. More than anything, she wanted to go back to him; to him and Kip and Koz and Hap... Refusing to think about them was the least painful, but with every decision she made, her thoughts shot back to Charming. 

Leaving this island was a first step. Going back to the real world. Finding people she could trust. He was still suspicious, but Dana believed that suspicion would slumber when the days went by. Ruben had a very selective memory – one day he would be convinced that he never took her away from Juice and forced her to live with him. Only then she would start to look for a way to get rid of him. She couldn't afford another mistake, she wasn't going to lose another child. Then she rather stayed with him. 

She noticed that his glance had slid back to the ring. Her answer hadn't been clear enough and she held out her hand. "If you can promise me a new life with new friends with whom we can celebrate our wedding, I want to marry you Ruben."

He looked up to her, tears gathering in his eyes. It caused a lump in her throat. He was so sick in the head that she sometimes felt truly sorry for him. He really believed he loved her, that he could make her happy, that he  _was_ making her happy. 

The corners of his mouth were trembling as he bent his lips in a nervous smile. All this was so out of his comfort zone that he didn't really know what to think of himself. He wanted this too – more than anything he wanted a normal life, without the fear of losing her. 

His fingers were shaking when he shoved the ring around her finger. She rewarded him with a smile, where after he raised his hand and cupped her jaw. 

Tenderly, he kissed her lips. "I'm going to make you happy, Dana."

 _Yes, you will._ She spread her fingers across his hand and kissed him back.  _The moment you breathe your last breath._

 


	68. Fye & Juice

_A year after Dana's funeral_

Fye felt ashamed of the butterflies occupying her stomach. A cemetery was no place to fall in love – and nevertheless it had happened. She had never spoken to him. She however knew he sat down at the grave of a young woman every Wednesday night. Whether it was his sister or his girlfriend, she didn't know. 

It felt wrong to keep coming here. Her father's grave was no longer the only reason she visited this place; each week she caught herself hoping to get a glimpse of the biker. She even walked along the grave on purpose. 

Not that he ever looked up. He was always staring forward, sometimes drinking, sometimes getting high. Always with a heartbreaking, lost expression on his face. It made her want to sit down next to him, to cuddle him. 

She however never dared to come closer. 

Today it was raining. With an umbrella above her head she was standing at her father's grave, staring at the letters carved into the stone. The flowers she had laid down a week ago, were the only ones decorating his final resting place. Nobody else came around. Her sister didn't want to visit the grave, neither did her mother. 

After some time, the cold crept into her body and she turned away from the grave. She took her usual detour towards the exit. Despite the rain he was sitting there. His head bent, giving a clear sight on the tattoos on his scalp. Drops of water ran down his face, his clothes soaked. He didn't seem to care, as if being chased away by the rain was a way to dishonor the one he was mourning. 

Fye took a deep breath.  _Come on. Go to him. It's only getting creepier if you wait._ The gravel grind underneath her shoes as she started to move again. In silence, she sat down next to him, holding the umbrella above their heads. 

He turned his head to the side, then he stared forward again. 

Fye listened to the raindrops falling on the umbrella. His cramped hands told her how cold he felt and she took a bottle of vodka from her bag. After unscrewing the cap, she held out the bottle. 

At first she thought he was going to ignore her, then he hesitantly took the bottle and took a gulp. 

They didn't speak to each other. She thought he liked the quiet – as did she. 

* * *

The next week she took flowers for the girl he was mourning. Again she sat down next to him – just because she hoped it would comfort him. 

"Why are you doin' this?" he asked after at least ten minutes. His voice sounded rough, like he hadn't spoken in days. 

Fye bent her head. It had just been a matter of time before he would ask that question. "I often feel lonely when I visit my father's grave, making me wish someone was with me. Not necessarily to have someone to talk to – just... someone's presence."

He was silent again, twisting one of his many rings. 

"Who is she?" she carefully asked a little later. "Your girlfriend?"

"My fiance." He didn't look at her, but nodded to the side. "And my daughter's lyin' there."

Fye looked to the side and saw the small grave. The dates of death weren't the same. She wondered if the mother hadn't been able to deal with the loss of her child, but she didn't dare to ask. 

Next time she would bring flowers for the little girl too. 

* * *

Juice felt his heart beat faster at the sound of the crunching gravel. It confused him. Their contact was simply bizarre – although she had kept him company at Dana's grave for at least four weeks now, they hadn't said much to each other. He didn't even know her name. 

Still her presence made his heart feel a little lighter, every time he went home. 

He visited the grave once a week. Actually he felt the need to go more often, but this frequency helped him to keep his thoughts straight. This was the only moment of the week he let his guard down. The only moment he allowed himself to cry, to miss her. Sometimes he talked to her for hours. 

The moment he left the cemetery, he put up his walls again. 

His deepest feelings were intertwined with this place, and away from here he could handle his pain. He believed he was doing well – the club thought he was doing well. Everyone but Kozik believed he was doing well. 

Juice wasn't sure why his friend disagreed. Maybe it was because Clay had stripped off his SAA patch when he wasn't able to kill Cherry, after which he had given it to Juice. 

He was the Sergeant At Arms. Who would have imagined? 

It wasn't hard to understand why Clay had done it. He wanted him to use his pain in a way the club benefited from it; and killing assholes was satisfying and had turned out to be a good outlet for his anger. Clay believed it had made him stronger. Kozik believed it had destroyed the person he once was. 

Juice agreed with his president. There had been nothing left to destroy anyway. 

The scent of flowers brought him back to the present when the girl sat down next to him. His breathing sped up a little when their elbows touched. Carefully, she laid down both bouquets before she looked up to him and showed him a shy smile. 

Juice wanted to smile back, but he couldn't. With a pit in his stomach he turned his head away. 

She was really beautiful and unbelievably sweet. 

It called up a deep longing inside him – something that hadn't been there since Lotte. 

He felt attracted to her, even though he had promised himself to never fall in love with a woman again. But he felt lonely. He however didn't know if someone could ever truly fill that void. 

Not after what had happened to Dana. After what Lotte had done to him and what he had done to her. 

"I'm Fye," she said after a while. 

He looked to the side. Felt awkward. Fuck – why did he feel so clumsy? It didn't fit who he was now, girls shouldn't make him feel insecure. He took what he wanted from them – that was all. 

"Juice," he answered. His voice lacked confidence. 

She had seen him at his weakest moment – she had  _only_ seen him when he was vulnerable. It made her different from the rest of the world. 

She fidgeted with a bracelet around her right wrist. It consisted of small silver roses. "Would you uh – would you like to go get a drink with me some day? So we can uh... so we can meet each other under different circumstances?"

Juice didn't answer immediately. Something warm slipped into his heart. It scared him – he didn't want to feel attached to a woman again, he didn't want to lose someone again. But the loneliness – it was making him tired. 

"Okay," he said quietly. 

He hated the tremor in his voice. 

He felt weak. He was still on a place where he allowed himself to be weak, but suddenly it bothered him. Although she had sit next to him before, it felt like she had disturbed the peace he was used to find here. Restlessly, he scratched his forearm, not knowing where to look or what to do. He wanted to back out, but he couldn't find the right words. 

"Great!" Her voice sounded melodic, light. Very different from the slight husky edge of Dana's voice. "Friday at Harvey's? At eight?"

Juice noticed that he was nodding. Quickly he stopped doing so, but she already showed him a sweet smile conforming their appointment. 

"See you Friday!" she said. Very briefly her hand touched his knee, then she stood up and walked away, as if she was afraid he would change his mind otherwise. 

Juice watched her leave, his eyes wide because he felt so overwhelmed. 

Had she really asked him out at the grave of his fiance? 


	69. Fye

Fye had changed clothes three time before she had gone to the bar. It wasn't something she had done before; asking a guy to have a drink with her. Not that she lacked the abilities; her sister was the biggest slut she had ever seen. They shared the same blood, so somewhere deep inside she had to know how to hit on a man. She had never been very successful around men. Sure, there had been boyfriends, but they had always taken the initiative. 

And now she had made herself pretty for a man whose name she hadn't even known three days ago. Someone she had asked out at the  _grave_ of his former lover. She must be nuts. It had never been her intention to ask him out; the question had just slipped her lips. And after he had agreed with modest enthusiasm, she couldn't get away from him fast enough, afraid for a new type of awkwardness. 

And now she was sitting here, at a booth in Harvey's, feeling so nervous she was half an hour too early. Every time she glanced at the clock, the hand barely seemed to have moved. Of course she was focusing the attention on herself by sitting here all alone. 

After fifteen minutes a man who was at least ten years older than she, felt bold enough to sit down next to her. "You want something to drink honey?" Although it was still early, the smell of alcohol was surrounding him. 

"I'm waiting for someone," she answered, hoping he would leave. She kept staring persistently at the door. 

"While waiting we can have some fun, right? You and me?"

She shivered when he placed his hand on her knee. Quickly she shook him off. "Leave me alone. I'm not interested."

Again she focused her attention at the door, by now she was mentally begging Juice to hurry up. All she wanted now, was him saving her from this creep as if he was some kind of knight in shining armor. 

Luckily the man took his hand away, although he didn't leave the table. 

* * *

Finally it was 8 PM. The man was sitting at the bar again, even though she could still feel his scorching gaze. It had been stupid to come so early, all alone. That she felt so nervous, wasn't making any sense either. They would just have a drink together, talk a bit. His fiance had just died, he wouldn't be in for a new romance anytime soon anyway. 

The clock showed 8.15.

8.30

9.00

Juice didn't show up. 

Again she rejected that nasty guy. 

And she was still waiting – maybe he had mistaken the hour. 

At 9.30 she stood up and left the bar. Tears were stinging in her eyes. It was ridiculous, crying because of a man she barely knew. But she had waited two hours in a bar for someone who hadn't shown up. 

Maybe he had just forgotten. He was mourning; he wouldn't be the first one forgetting things. 

But when she didn't see him at the graveyard in the weeks that followed, she understood it had been a conscious choice to stay away from the bar. The only reason he had probably agreed to meet her there, was to get rid of her. And with good reason. Who did that – sitting down next to strangers on a graveyard? He undoubtedly believed that she was strange; he had rescheduled his visits to make sure he wouldn't see her again.  

She felt ashamed. 

Still she couldn't get him out of her head. Again and again she saw him sitting there, all alone in the rain, cold and numb. It hadn't been some physical attraction that had convinced her to sit down next to him. She had believed there was some connection between them, a connection neither of them understood. Now she realized that it had only existed in her imagination. 

It took a lot of effort to stay away from the graveyard at other days. She however knew she would really turn into a creepy stalker if she started to look for him. And so, she let him go, trying to forget him. 

It worked – until she drove home after work one day and heard a rattling sound. Pulling up her car at the side of the road, she walked around the vehicle. The tailpipe was hanging down, scraping the asphalt. Sighing, she raked a hand through her hair. How late would the shop close? At five or six? 

It was close to half pas five. She had no idea if it was dangerous, driving with a broken exhaustion pipe. The shop however was within a five minute drive, so she put on the direction indicator and headed to Teller-Morrow. 

Of course she knew Juice was one of their mechanics. She just hoped he wouldn't call her a stalker, even though she had been here in the past, before she had known him. Still her hands felt clammy when she rolled up the lot. 

"Are you already closed?" she asked after rolling down the window. Two men had been talking, their hands covered in grease. 

A blonde man leaned towards the car so he could look through the window. "Hey. Uh, actually we are."

"Okay, I'll come back tomorrow. You think driving with a broken tailpipe is a bad idea?"

He glanced at his watch. "If you get me some food at the take away on the corner of the street, I'll fix that car for you."

Fye smiled. That was sweet. "Okay, deal." She got out of the car and handed him the key. 

While turning away from him, she heard him say to some young boys that they weren't done yet and that they had to fix her car first. 

In a calm pace she headed for the take away, ordering two portions of shawarma. She had no idea how long the reparation would take, so why not getting herself some food? 

Back at Teller-Morrow she headed for the workshop. The Son who had told her to get some food was instructing two others, so she walked towards him with the food, not knowing if he wanted to eat it here or somewhere else. 

"Those two are getting it done without my help," he told her. Instead of taking the box from her, he nodded towards the door. "Let's sit down."

Fye followed him to the picknick table. After sitting down across from each other, they opened the Styrofoam boxes and started to eat. 

"I'm Kip by the way."

"Fye."

They talked a bit about casual things while they were eating. Now and then she caught a glimpse of one of the others Sons in the doorway. Juice however stayed out of sight. 

After Kip was done with his food, he returned to the workshop to keep an eye on the two student engineers. Fye gathered the packing material and dumped it in the dumpster close to the door. Once she was there, she couldn't keep herself from peeking inside. 

There was a bar around which some men had gathered; furthermore she saw a sitting area and there were some stripper poles on a stage. Around some tables men were sitting, most of them accompanied by one or two half naked girls. One guy was sitting behind his laptop – it was Juice, she realized a moment later. 

Not sure what to do, she kept standing in the doorway. 

As if he could feel her glance, he looked up. Feeling a little caught, she waved at him.

For a few seconds he stared at her, then he focused on the screen again. 

Fye gritted her teeth. That was really rude, and suddenly the indignation arose because he had let her down that night. 

She however didn't dare to go inside – maybe their clubhouse was sacred and was she supposed to do some kind of erotic dance before she was allowed in their sanctuary. That would at least explain why all those girls were dressed up like whores.

"Can I help you?" a voice sounded next to her. A chubby guy gave her questioning look, although he didn't look unfriendly. 

Her eyes shot back towards the clubhouse. "Could you ask Juice to go outside?"

The man shrugged his shoulders and entered the clubhouse. 

Fye turned away from the entrance and sat down at the picknick table, her back towards the clubhouse. She felt crazy for waiting for him  _again._

"What are you doin' here?"

She looked over her shoulder. There he stood; he blew out a puff of smoke. His voice sounded cold, completely different than it had sounded at the graveyard. The vulnerability he had shown her there, was neither visible this time. It felt like she was looking at his evil twin. 

"They're fixing my car." She nodded to the workshop. "But now you're here anyway: a few weeks ago I waited for you for one and a half hour. You could have turned me down when I asked you to get a drink, instead of letting me down."

He didn't answer and took a drag from his cigarette. The silence was getting on her nerves and made her angry, still she stayed seated and stared at him, waiting for his response. 

In the end he heaved a deep sigh. "I wanted to go. But there was some club shit I needed to take care of."

Fye tried to read his face, but his expression was inscrutable. It was impossible to decide whether he was speaking the truth or not.

"I haven't seen you since. You've been avoiding me. Why don't you just tell me what you want and think? You're such a bad ass, right?" She nodded to the patches that were sewn to his cut. "You could have send me away all those times. It's not nice to keep a girl waiting at a bar."

He didn't answer. For a moment she thought he would just turn around and walk away. "If I'd had your number, I might have sent you a text."

His voice sounded a little warmer. She studied his face. "Is this some dumb attempt to get my number?"

He snorted. "Where the hell would I need your number for?" He nodded backwards. "Haven't you seen those chicks over there? Why would I need you?

His words hurt her. However, she didn't believe he meant what he said; it felt like he was keeping up appearances around his brothers. 

"Maybe for the moments you're sick of having meaningless sex. I'm sure neither of us ever thought of sex, all those hours we were sitting next to each other." She took a pen from her purse and grabbed his arm. 

He glared at her, but he didn't pull away. 

She thought to feel sparks when she touched him, which made her feel nervous again. Still she pushed the pen against the skin of his forearm and wrote down her number. 

Then she looked up to him. For a moment confusion seemed to shimmer in his eyes, as if he was conflicted, not sure which mask he wanted to wear this time. 

"You can call me in case you have a bright moment on which you realize that you have some amends to make."

She let go of his wrist and walked towards the workshop to see if Kip was done with her car. She thought to feel his eyes upon her, but she forced herself to look forward. Her sister had explained her many times how she  _wouldn't_ get guys like him, and that was by begging for their attention. 

Maybe he would use her number, maybe he wouldn't. 

At least she had given him the chance to show her that he was more than the dickhead he was pretending to be now. 

 


	70. Juice

Juice's finger floated above the screen. Already a week had passed since she had written her number on his arm. Within and hour he had scrubbed the ink off his skin, but not without saving her number. For some reason he had been afraid that one of his brothers would think it was funny to give her a call. 

It had never been his intention to contact her. Why he had still kept the number, he didn't know. He didn't want a girlfriend, she would be nothing but a burden. A weakness. Still, his thoughts kept wandering to her. It wasn't just because she was beautiful – there were more than enough hot chicks around the clubhouse. 

But maybe that was the difference. She wasn't super hot. He didn't feel the urge to rip her clothes off. Her own words that she could call him whenever he wanted something else than meaningless sex, kept racing through his head. 

A part of him wanted that. 

But then what? What else could she give him? He was fine, he wasn't as broken as the time Lotte was forcing himself on him. He just didn't want all that crap – and right when those thoughts stormed through his head, he wondered why the hell he was looking so far into the future. She had asked him to grab a drink, not to marry her. They had been sitting at a grave together for hours and none of them had had problems with that, so why the hell was he making such a big deal out of a drink?

He couldn't deny that he had enjoyed her company, that she had called up some sort of feelings inside him. She had made his heart beat faster – since Dana no woman had managed to do that. Not even Lotte. 

But all that had happened on the graveyard, the only place where the old Juice still existed. That had also been the reason why he hadn't wanted to face her after that cancelled date; the moment she'd asked him out, he had been blindsided, being a prisoner of his grief and he had liked the prospect of her consoling presence. 

Outside the cemetery, he didn't like it. Outside those gates he was a different person and there was no doubt in his mind that she wouldn't be too fond of that other person. But no matter how blunt he had reacted on her a week ago; it hadn't scared her away. 

Somehow he appreciated that. Somehow it was the reason that he was still staring at that blinking cursor. 

 _Oh fuck it._ He grumbled because of his doubting. If he wanted to see her, he should stop being such a wuss and just tell her. And so he typed:  _Hey. I know it's a week ago, but is that offer for a drink still standing? - Juice._

She didn't answer immediately. He headed for Mikey's room and watched the kid from the doorway. He was sitting on the floor in front of the tv, the controller of the playstation in his hands. Juice had bought it for him a while ago so he didn't have to entertain him all the time. 

"Dinner almost ready?" Mikey asked without taking his eyes off the screen. 

"I'll fix something." 

He wondered if he had been so glued to the TV as well if they'd had the money when he was young. There was no doubt he and his sister would have demanded less attention of their mother, resulting in less beat-ups. 

His phone was buzzing.  _Okay. Where?_

Juice hesitated.  _You got time today?_ It was last-minute, but there was a chance something came up otherwise. He didn't want to let her down again. 

_Yeah. Same time and place?_

He agreed and tucked away his phone. 

* * *

Juice took Mikey to Amy. The boy was more often there than at home, but as long as the woman wasn't complaining, he was fine with it. The only one nagging about it was Kozik; he believed it wasn't good for the kid. Juice didn't care much – it was not his fault that his sister was in jail and that her ex wasn't permitted to see his kid. He did his best to take care of the boy, but he refused to turn his whole life upside down because of it. If Kozik really wanted to have a say in it, he and Amy should stop doing their little waltz. Right now, she wasn't his Old Lady and he had nothing to say about her. 

The moment he entered Harvey's, he saw her right away. Her eyes were lighting up when she noticed him. It caused a strange feeling in his stomach – it didn't happen a lot that someone was looking forward to his company. Even the Croweaters preferred one of his brothers if he left them a choice – he hadn't got a good reputation with two dead old ladies. 

Once he stood at the table, he didn't know how to greet her. He used to send Croweaters to his room with one word, Lotte and he had never dated and with Dana... His thoughts shot to their first date, at the drive-in movies where they had been lying in the grass, spending more time kissing than watching the movie. The memories faded when Fye stood in front of him. A sweet, fresh scent surrounded him. Fuck, she smelled so good. As her lips touched his cheek to greet him, he felt the urge to press his on her mouth immediately, but he kept himself in order and sat down after murmuring a greeting. 

Great – and what now? It just felt like he didn't know how to spend time with a normal woman anymore. What did she want? Interrogate him about his dead fiance and daughter? He had promised himself to never tell the tragedy to someone new. On the advice of his therapist he had started to visit Dana's grave with regularity, and that was the only place where he wanted to surrender himself to his memories. He had buried them there, with Dana and Tabitha. 

"What do you want to drink?" she asked. 

"I'll take a beer."

She nodded and walked to the bar. As she moved away from him, he checked out her ass. She was wearing a black dress reaching to her knees. The fabric looked much fancier than what the croweaters were wearing and she looked damn good in it. 

When she returned and put the bottle in front of him, he still didn't know what to say to her. She seemed to look for words as well. After a few sips, he heaved a deep sigh. This had been a stupid plan. 

"Look. You seem like a nice girl, Fye. I'm gonna be honest with you – I'm not a nice man. Maybe you think that I'm sweet and sensitive because you've only seen me grieving at a grave, but that's the only place where I'm like that."

A small smirk crossed her lips. "Not showing up at a date and avoiding her the next couple of weeks, isn't exactly what I call sweet and sensitive. So I already figured that out."

Her words filled him with shame. Quickly he took a drink. Not going back to Dana's grave at the day he was used to, had been a drastic decision. He however hadn't been in the mood for a confrontation, especially not at Dana's grave. 

He had no idea what to answer and felt the urge to get up and leave the place. This was just stupid. He wasn't ready to sit at a table with another girl, let alone more, and he might never be ready. 

As if Fye picked up on his doubts, she started to talk herself. "How long ago did you patch in? With the Sons?"

Juice needed a bit of time to get his thoughts straight. Now he thought about it, he couldn't even remember when he'd had a normal conversation with a woman. Or any person in general. His thoughts kept spinning around and he hated himself for it. It felt like he had became afraid of people, as if he didn't know how to deal with them anymore. 

"A little more than ten years," he answered. 

"You've grown up in Charming?"

He shook his head. "No, in Queens." He wasn't in the mood to elaborate on that and asked: "You?"

"We moved from Charming to Providence when I was five. So I grew up relatively close to you." She winked and moved her glass to her mouth, a few curls slipped off her shoulder at the movement. "My dad got a job offer. He moved back to Charming after his divorce, three years ago, and since he was sick I went with him."

Juice caught himself enjoying the sound of her voice; it was light and melodious. It encouraged him to ask more questions. "What line of work are you in?"

"I'm a photographer, mainly nature. I traveled a lot before my dad got cancer. These days, I'm doing a lot of weddings, although I hope to travel again soon. I just love to see more of the world. Did you ever leave the country?"

"I've lived in Mexico for a while," he answered – a little hesitating because he wasn't sure if he wanted to share it with her. After all, it had been out of necessity. 

She sat up straight. "That's so cool! I made two reports there! If you like it, I can show you them another day?" A rosy glow spread across her cheeks, apparently the question had slipped her lips. 

Something in his chest seemed to ignite. A tiny splinter of his heart that was still there. Agreeing with it however was too hard, and a little evasively he answered: "We'll see."

When she cast her glance down, he regretted his nonchalance. Quickly he came up with a question, hoping to make it right. "Which other places have you visited?"

"Phew, a lot! I've been in Brazil, India, Morocco, Sri Lanka, Taiwan... Any place you'd like to go someday?" She revived again when the conversation continued, and before Juice knew it, they had been talking for an hour. 

* * *

A little past midnight they left the bar. He walked with her to her car while looking for words. He had enjoyed spending time with her. She had told him interesting stories and her enthusiasm was infectious. Somewhere deep inside he wished he could join her on one of her journeys – just being away from this life for a while had to be a relief. Now he thought about it, he had seen so little of the world... 

As they reached her car, he shoved his hand into his pocket. Actually he wasn't in the mood to return to an empty house, and he neither wanted to drag some slut into his bed. Actually, he wanted her...

"You eh – you wanna come to my place?"

He felt a little awkward, but he didn't want to take her to his clubhouse dorm. 

"I think it's better if I don't," she answered.

He bit the inside of his cheek. Apparently she hadn't enjoyed the night like he did. 

At the sight of his wronged face, she chuckled softly. She kissed his cheek. "No meaningless sex I told you, remember?"

"Well we can make it meaningful," he smirked. 

"You're nowhere ready to sex that means something," she said. "Which is okay; I get that. I like you, Juice. It would be a pity to rush into anything, ruining something that might have led to something good. I have to admit I never asked a man out before." She blushed. "I'd never planned to ask you. It just... happened." Embarrassed, she raked a hand through her hair. "If I'm honest, I'm not sure what we're doing right now since you're still mourning your girlfriend. But I had a good time tonight, I hope you did too."

Juice shrugged his shoulders indifferently. When he saw the disappointment on her face, he shoved his foot across the ground awkwardly. Why was he hurting her? It was one o'clock, if he hadn't enjoyed it he would have left a long time ago. 

"I did too," he admitted. For a moment he pressed his lips together. His pulse was spiking when their eyes locked. She had such a sweet face, such innocent eyes – and yet she wasn't too timid; she dared to be honest. "Maybe uhm... maybe we can go out again?"

Her smile made his chest vibrate. Man, she was so beautiful. What the hell was she doing with an embittered asshole like him? 

"I'd like that," she said. "You can text me when you've time again."

Again she kissed his cheek, her hand resting on his chest for a moment. He wondered if she could feel his raging heart. 

"Sweet dreams, Juice. Drive safe."

"You too."

When she got into the car, he turned around and strolled to his bike. A year ago he had never thought it would happen again, but slowly his lips bend into a smile. 

 


	71. Juice

They went out for a drink a couple more times. Juice noticed that he was looking more and more forward to see Fye; it did him good to know there were still women who were interested in him after wandering around in the darkest regions of life. Not that she knew anything about it. Although there weren't a lot of silences when they were talking, there were a lot of things Juice kept from her. He told her nothing about Lotte and Dana; actually he acted like the past years have never happened. He didn't know if this could lead to anything serious if he kept that part of himself in the dark. At the same time he neither thought that would happen if he completely opened up to her and told her that he hadn't been able to protect his one girlfriend and had killed the other. If anything, he wanted to keep his damaged soul to himself. He wanted her to love the man he was now, not the man who he once was. That was only a shadow, a ghost. A broken men who had died together with the women he'd loved. 

Now he had started over, he had buried his ancient fears deep within him. He had a new rank within the club, had a kid he had to take care of, a new house... and yeah, maybe he should consider the possibility of a new Old Lady as well. That was also part of a new life. 

Deep inside he knew he wanted it. Being together with someone again, sharing that unique thing which he had shared with Dana. The fact that he hadn't experienced that with anyone else, still chained him to his old life. He had to surrender himself to someone else again – which was hard. Actually he wasn't sure how to do it – he had a feeling that their current trail was leading to a friendship and not to something more. Even though they saw each other once or twice a week for a month now, they hadn't even kissed. 

He however did fantasize about it. He wondered how her lips would taste, what her naked body would look like, how it would be to have sex with her. The last time he had banged a Croweater was already two weeks ago – it had left him with a hollow feeling, convincing him that he was looking for something else at the moment. 

He wanted more. 

He wanted her. 

She however had told him she wanted to build things up slowly, and he wasn't sure if she had secretly meant that she wanted to be nothing more than friends now she had gotten to know him a little. 

All in all Juice felt quite insecure when he stood in front of her front door for the first time in his life. She had invited him over for dinner. He hated the prickling sensation in his stomach, underlining his uncertainty – and at the same time it was a relief to feel something else than the anger and the pain that were controlling him for so long. 

The door opened. 

Fye greeted him with a hug and led him inside the house. The smell of food floated towards him, and he muttered that it smelled good. 

"Hopefully it will taste just as good," she said with a smile that made him hold his breath for a moment. "I've tried a new receipt, it's something Indian. I'm going to put it in the oven, you can sit down on the couch, I'll get us a glass of wine."

Still feeling uncomfortable, he did as she asked and took in the cozy living room. From where he was sitting he could see her being busy in the kitchen; her blond curls bouncing up and down with every movement she made. Now and then he saw her lips move; the fact that she was talking to herself made him smile. 

* * *

It didn't take long before the uneasiness slipped away. During dinner they were calling up high school memories and there after she showed him some of her most recent photo reports. The way her eyes lit up and her face beamed as she talked about her trips, caused him to rather look at her instead of at the pictures and when she noticed, she showed him a shy smile. 

Awkwardly, Juice turned away his face. Again he felt like an idiot. It had never been so hard to flirt with a girl; that talent seemed to have been buried with his former girlfriends. 

"You wanna watch a movie?" Fye asked after a while. 

Juice wondered if she had picked up on his uneasiness and nodded slowly. She connected her phone to the tv screen and navigated through Netflix until she had found a comedy. 

"This one?"

Juice shrugged, any movie sounded good right now. 

As expected, it didn't take long before his attention moved from the movie to the girl next to him. Would she mind if he laid an arm around her? It was a terrible cliche – but there was a reason it was a cliche; apparently it worked. As if he was a lovesick teenager, he laid his arm across the backrest of the couch. 

Suddenly he wondered if it was really  _her_ reaction that he feared. Was his shyness truly caused by the fear to be turned down, or was he rather afraid that he would turn down  _himself_? That he wouldn't feel what he hoped to feel, that his grief got a bigger hold on him than he wanted to admit? It was also some kind of test for himself, to see if he was really ready to be in love again. 

Fye didn't seem to notice. Juice took his glass from the table and when he sat up straight again, he lowered his arm until it touched her shoulders. Nervousness flared up. Her eyes shot to the side, a blush appearing on her cheeks. Quickly, she turned her glance forward again. 

Juice looked forward as well, with his thumb he stroked her shoulder while he analyzed his own feelings to see if he liked this. He did. 

After a while she laid her head against his shoulder. His grasp around her tightened – the little attention he still had paid to the movie disappearing completely now. He cocked his head to the side. Her forehead was only a few inches away from his lips and he leaned into her, laying a kiss on her skin. 

Slowly, she lifted her head. Something hot ignited inside him and he raised his hand to caress her cheek. Her eyes were full of doubts – about him, about herself; he had no idea. Juice however was sick of his doubts; he leaned closer to her until their lips were touching. For a moment they just rested against each other as he waited to see if she would pull back. Her hand glided to the back of his head, convincing him that she wanted this too. Their lips parted, their tongues gently touched. Juice buried one hand into her curls, with the other he cupped her jaw. When the kiss became intenser, Juice lowered his hand and laid it on her thigh. The fabric of her dress was wafer-tin; still it was too much. His fingers glided underneath it and stroked her thigh. 

"Juice..." Fye pulled back a little, studying his face. "Are you sure you want this?"

"Yeah. I want you Fye. You're the only one I want." He kissed her neck, pressed his fingertips into the flesh of her leg. "I want you since the moment I saw you. Nobody has been satisfying since I laid eyes on you."

She gasped for breathe when he sucked a spot in her neck, exactly where Dana –

He froze. For a moment he heard her laughter again, he felt her fingertips gliding down his spine. Still he continued to kiss her. Maybe because it was a nice memory, maybe he wanted to find more of them. Or maybe he was just enjoying the feel of his lips on her skin and her gentle touch. 

For a while they kept kissing on the couch. When they started to get winded, Fye took his hand and pulled him on his feet. Her cheeks turned a shade darker when she led him to her bedroom. 

"I want you too," she whispered as her arms glided around his waist. "But only... only if you meant what you just said. That I'm the only one you want." She kept his glance. "Only if this really means something to you."

"It does," he promised her and he tried to prove it to her by slowly taking off her clothes, laying her down on the bed as gentle as he could. He kissed every inch of her beautiful body before he laid himself on top of her. 

"I could never look them in the eye," he said hesitantly while he looked at her. "All those women who meant nothing to me."

Most times he had taken them from behind, only because he didn't want to see their faces. They had just been a way to distract himself; pieces of meat he didn't give a shit about. 

"But I do care about you. I do want to look you in the eye when we make love." He swallowed, knowing he was opening up in a way he hadn't done in a long time. "I think I'm falling in love with you Fye."

Her hands glided upwards across his sides and he breathed in sharply. 

"I'm falling in love with you too, Juice."

Their lips connected again. Slowly he entered her, and for the first time this year he made sure his partner liked it too. Only when he was sure that she had eased to the feeling of him inside her, he slowly started to thrust. 

After a while it became harder and harder to concentrate on the kissing. His hand was hugging her breast as he looked at her. Her lips were parted, her head bent back. Soft moans left her lips, turning him on even more. 

When he could almost no longer hold back, he kissed her neck and pressed his face against the crook of it. The warm feelings that were swirling through his body had been away for such a long time that he was completely overwhelmed by them. 

Finally he understood what Dana had meant. 

Finally he understood how it felt to experience that feeling that Maddox had tried to destroy. But he hadn't succeeded. 

He was in love again. 

And instead of feeling guilty, he thought to feel Dana's lips on his forehead. 

_"You deserve it, sweetheart."_

The memory of her voice made him cling to Fye, and for a moment all he could see were stars. 

Impressions rolled over him; whispers, quiet chuckles, deep moans, hands all over his body, lips which didn't leave an inch of his skin untouched. 

Whether it were memories about Dana or Fye, he didn't know. 

And it didn't matter. It wasn't wrong to love them both.

**. . .**


	72. Ruben

_Two years after Dana's funeral_

Nothing was more beautiful than watching how she arched her back off the mattress, her lips slightly apart, her eyes rolling back as her orgasm rolled over her. 

While she took a moment to recover, he laid down on the bed again, kissing her warm sweaty skin up from her waist to her lips. She was so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful. 

And she was his. 

Four months ago they had said their vows and every day since felt like a gift. It had been a wise decision to move to Croatia. He had seen how happy it had made her, and the knowledge that he could still make her happy after everything Maddox had done to her, filled him with a deep love for his wife.  

Together with Charley and their son she often went to the market and there were two girls of her age with whom she was becoming friends. It was a little difficult because they didn't speak the same language, but the girls seemed to get along very well and weren't too hindered by it. Slowly they started to get used to their new life among strangers. His own future plans were still blurry – he wasn't used to having no job – but they didn't lack anything and as long as she loved him, he had achieved his main goal. 

"What are you thinking of?"

Only now, Ruben realized that he had stopped kissing her and he looked up to her. Leaning into her, he stroked her cheek. "About how happy you make me." His hands glided across her arms until he reached her wrists which were lying above her head, and he pulled them closer to take off the bondage tape. His thumbs stroked her skin for a moment, but it wasn't irritated and he assumed she hadn't been in pain. 

He had never dared to suggest it himself, no matter how horny it made him. After everything Maddox had done to her, he assumed that bondage would no longer be one of her fantasies since it might call up bad memories, but she'd told him that she thought it was thrilling and that she trusted him to stop when she asked him to.

He pressed kisses to her wrists, where after he sat up straight, wrapping his arms around her. With a naughty look in her eyes, she looked at him. "Now it's my turn."

Since he had focused on her pleasure this time, he had postponed his own momentum for such a long time that he hadn't came at all. He allowed her to tie his arms behind his back while he shoved to the side of the bed. She sat down on his lap and kissed his lips before they wandered off to his shoulder, bending his head until his mouth was close to her nipple. He wanted to pull her close and hold one of her breasts, but his hands were still tied. From his shoulder she moved her lips downwards, until she knelt between his legs and took his hard length into her mouth. 

He wished he could bury his fingers in her hair so he could guide her to keep up the perfect pace. There however was nothing he could do; he had surrendered himself to whatever she wanted to do with him. Not that she ever disappointed him; he never regretted to relinquish control and still he found it hard to give up control time and again.

Teasingly, she pulled back her head, looking up to him. Her tongue glided across her lips. "I think I'm gonna leave it at this."

"Dane..." he answered in a frustrated grunt since he was about to burst.

Laughing, she climbed on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. Hugging her back was impossible. 

"Patience, my dear. Patience is the answer to everything."

* * *

Holding hands they went downstairs a little later. The door to the terrace was opened and when they went outside, they saw Charley sitting in the grass. Casper was sauntering around her, throwing with toy cars. He was cooing, and even the girl was smiling. 

Dana and Ruben sat down with them in the grass and he caught his son when he launched himself upon his father. Lifting him in the air, he swirled him around above his head while the boy was giggling. When he lowered the kid down again, Casper wrapped his arms around his father's neck, resting his head on his shoulder. 

"You tired, little man?" he asked. 

The boy didn't answer, but he had closed his eyes.

Ruben got up and carried his son inside. In the kid's bedroom he laid him in bed and handed him his teddy bear when he started to rub his eyes. 

"Bedtime story?" Casper asked with a tired voice.

Ruben knew that he would fall asleep before he had turned over the first page, so he took his son's favorite book and opened it on a random page. Already after two paragraphs he heard Casper's deep and steady breathing. He put the book away, stroked the blonde hair from his forehead and pressed a kiss to it. Then he stood up. 

In the doorway he turned around to watch the sleeping boy. Casper was just over two years old now. At the thought of having another child, he felt a tickle in his stomach. 

As soon as he had returned to the garden, he sat down behind Dana and wrapped his arms around her. Burying his nose in her hair, he held her tight. There was a nervous feeling in his chest, but she always encouraged him to tell her what was on his mind. 

"You ever thought about taking another child?"

He saw the surprise on her face when she turned towards him. "You're serious?"

He shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe we can adopt one. A little girl who has lost her parents."

She leaned with the back of her head against his shoulder while she thought about his words. "Maybe we can. I want Casper to have a little brother or sister."

His lips wandered off to her temple. Oh, he was so blessed with a woman like her. There was nothing in the world he would trade her for. He knew he didn't deserve her, but they knew they belonged together, like yin and yang. 

"I love you," he whispered.

She snuggled closer to him. "Love you too, Ruben."

* * *

Maddox would have seen the twitching muscle in her jaw. The dark glint in her eyes. Would have heard the darkness in her voice. 

Ruben didn't. All he could see, was what he wanted to see – the woman of his dreams who had given up everything to be with him and who promised him a brighter future than he could ever have imagined. 

 


	73. Dana

His longing to raise another kid, was the last straw. Her plan was complete for a while now, but she had postponed it several times. She would only get one chance; she wanted to be sure that she succeeded. 

By now, Dana realized she would never have that certainty. 

She was going to take her chances. If Ruben had convinced her of anything the past months, it was the love for his son. She didn't believe he would hurt the boy; if she betrayed him, the toddler was the only person on earth who still loved him. 

Today was the perfect day. With a teasing grin she had sent him to their bedroom, there after she had went looking for Charley.

"Whatever you will hear, stay here." She had crouched down in front of the girl and gave her an intrusive look. "Don't try to run. He won't hurt you as long as you take care of Casper." She laid a hand against the girl's cheek. "It's time to go home. All three of us."

She knew there were things the girl was keeping from her. She could see it in the way she looked at Ruben, the fear that was always gleaming in her eyes. 

Charley nodded quietly. 

Dana headed to the adjacent room where she had kept her cop costume; she had bought it for this special day. Leaving her underwear on the ground, she pulled the dress over her head. It reached until halfway her tights. She fastened the belt, took the fake gun from the holster and replaced it with a real one. The knife she shoved into the cut she had made on the inside of her belt, the hilt hidden behind the buckle. After latching the handcuffs, she checked her make-up in front of the mirror. 

That would do. 

Barefoot she went to the bedroom. Ruben was sitting on the end of the bed. He had taken off his shirt, his pants were still on. Her eyes wandered across the many tattoos on his torso and arms and she whistled. 

"Are you really flirting with an innocent civilian, officer?" he asked with a smirk. 

She walked over to him. "I like to cross boundaries."

With one hand she pushed him down on the bed, with the other she started to take off his pants. Once he was naked, she kissed her way up to his lips. 

"I heard someone has been very naughty," she said in her horniest voice. She allowed his hands to disappear underneath her dress, hugging her bottom. 

In one movement she drew the baton and hit his wrist. With a sound that lied somewhere between a grunt and a chuckle, he pulled back his hands. 

"We're gonna be bossy?" 

"I think I should cuff your hands if you can't keep them to yourself."

There was an excited glistening in his eyes. 

They had done bondage before, Dana had wanted to make it a habit knowing she could use it against him one day. However, they had never used cuffs. She bent over him. "If you behave well, you might get the chance to cuff me as well."

By answer, he kissed her.

Kissing they moved further up, towards the head of the bed. There Dana cuffed him to the bars of the bed – the only reason she had wanted this bed. She crawled on top of him. With her eyes resting upon his face, her hand slipped underneath her dress and she started to masturbate, knowing how much it turned him on. 

As soon as she was wet enough, she lowered herself on top of him and started to ride him. 

"Take off – take off your clothes," he panted. "I wanna... I wanna see you."

She lifted the corner of her mouth. "Unfortunately for you, you don't have a say right now."

In protest he raised his chin. In response, she took the gun from the holster and stroked his chest.  "If you're gonna be a rebel..." She tilted her head a little. "You're gonna hear  _pang._ " The last word, she spoke in silence.

His eyes shot to the gun; the weight told him it wasn't made of plastic. 

"You like it a bit dangerous, huh?" she asked. With the weapon she stroked his chest, his neck, in the meantime picking up the pace. 

She saw how he was torn apart by doubts, fear and pure lust. 

"Calm down baby," she hushed. "All I want to give you right now, is a hell of an orgasm."

She laid the gun next to her and leaned into him to kiss him. A bit sloppy, he kissed her back. 

With his wrists he tore at the cuffs. "Not yet Dane..." he grunted. 

Dana contracted the muscles in her lower regions, intensifying the feeling for him. "Yes, you're gonna cum for me now baby. I'm in control, remember?"

She had barely spoken the words when she felt him cum. His face tensed, moans escaped his lips as his body started to jolt. With a smile, she wiped his hair away from his sweaty forehead. 

Others wouldn't understand, but this was her way to say goodbye to him. A part of her had learned to love Ruben the past years and she regretted the fact that he needed to die. But she couldn't let Maddox live. 

She owed this her daughter. Her mother. Juice. Herself. 

She kissed his lips for the last time. "A part of me loved you, Ruben," she said softly. "But now it's time for your evil twin to come to the fore again." She bent back her head and raised herself a little so he slipped outside of her. She folded her fingers around the gun again and caressed his chest. "You know what day it is, Maddox?"

His shoulders tensed when she mentioned his name. 

"It's Valentine's Day." She stroked his lips with the point of the gun. "You remember my last Valentine gift? Chocolates drenched in the blood of the man I loved. Today it's four years ago. Four years have passed since you destroyed me. Since you destroyed him."

"That wasn't me, Dane, you know that. I love you. You love me." She saw the conflict in his eyes; the two of them fighting to take precedence. 

"Maybe I love you. Which would be sick, don't you think? Loving the man who murdered my mother and my child, who raped me, who kidnapped me. Whatever it is I feel for you, it's nothing compared to what I felt for Juice. To what I still feel for him. I've played along for a long time – and now I won."

With the gun she glided down, across his stomach, his shrunken pride. She pushed it against his testicle. 

"What pain would make us even? No pain in the world, huh?" She looked up to him. 

The lines of his face were harsh, his eyes wide. 

She took off the safety and kept watching him. 

"Boom," she whispered, and she pulled the trigger. 

He yelled, flinched. 

All she heard, was a click.

Dana chuckled softly. "It's unloaded. I just wanted to see the fear in your eyes for once."

Carelessly, she tossed the gun on the ground. 

For a moment the hope flared up in his eyes; the hope that this was all a sick game, part of their role play. A shaky laugh left his lips. 

"You had me there."

She tilted her head. "Now did I?" Slowly, she shoved closer to him. "You know, a bullet is so impersonal." She took the knife from the belt and stroked his neck. "I want to know how it feels when this knife cuts your flesh, when the warm blood is bubbling up when..."

Totally unexpected, he kicked her off the bed. Cursing, Dana landed on her back. The cuffs were rattling against the bars and she heard him grunt like an animal. 

"You filthy bitch!" he yelled. "You fucking filthy whore!"

Again he yanked his arms, but he couldn't free himself.

"And he's back. I've always known you would return one day, Maddox. You're a devil that is impossible to exorcise." She took the knife from the ground. "I wanted to give you a beautiful death, in the arms of your lover. Isn't that better than a bloody mess, a regular stabbing?"

His eyes were cold as ice. "I loved you," he hissed. 

"I think our definitions of  _love_ differ a bit." She studied his face. "How do you want this to end, Maddox? You keep fighting the inevitable? Or do you accept your defeat so you will die with a little bit of dignity?"

He clenched his teeth.

"Thought so." She sat down on the edge of the bed again, close to his head. With her fingertips she stroked his cheek. She put the knife to his throat. 

"You don't want me to suffer?" he huffed. 

Slowly, she shook her head. "No, I'm good. Vengeance is bad counsel, I don't want to become bitter because of you. Your influence on my life has been big enough. Soon I will walk away from you with Charley and Casper and the three of us will forget about you."

"You will never forget about me," he grunted. "You will –"

"At least you won't be able to hurt anyone anymore. It's a satisfying thought, knowing that you will burn in hell for eternity."

After these words, she stabbed him in the neck. The knife cut easily through his flesh. Blood gushed down, painting the pillow red.

"Fight baby," she said. "It's about time  _you_ fight an uneven fight." 

She stood up, beyond the reach of his kicking legs. He cursed and raged like the mad man he was. 

Dana watched him bleed to death. 

"This if for you, my dear Tabitha," she said. "And for you Ope. For you mom."

Maddox's screams died away. 

With empty eyes he stared at her; the only thing moving was the blood pouring out of his neck. That too would stop soon. 

Dana took a deep breath. Her chest felt heavier than expected. 

She had wished Ruben another faith. 

But deep down, she also knew that Ruben had been nothing but a figment. 

And why would she mourn a fantasy?

She turned around, changed clothes in the other room and went to Charley and Casper. She lifted the boy and put him on her hip. 

"We're going to Daddy." She kissed his temple, hoping that he was too young to really miss or remember Ruben. "To your real Daddy."


	74. Juice

With his lower arms he was leaning on the balcony of his apartment. His left thumb brushed the tattoo below his other thumb. Again he was lost in memories, until two arms glided around him, startling him. 

When he felt her chin on his shoulder, he felt a pang in his chest.  _I miss you so much baby..._

"You okay?" Fye asked softly. 

Juice shrugged a shoulder and refused to look at her. He didn't mean to be so emotional, but he just couldn't get rid of the heavy feeling in his chest. 

"Is it because of last Tuesday? Since then you act... different. And I know you didn't want to celebrate it, but I thought it might help you and... and I love you, Juice. I wanted to show you how much I love you."

He didn't answer. 

She had taken him to a beautiful piece of nature deep in the mountains. Earlier that day she had baked heart shaped pancakes, which she had taken with her. She had pulled out all the stops; candles, chocolates, music...

It had been so sweet, even though it was over the top. 

But if there was one day he hated, it was Valentine's Day. Not because he hated all those cheesy things, but because it was the day he had lost her. Ever since, he felt sick whenever he saw a heart, a rose or a candle. 

He hadn't wanted to explain it to Fye. He never talked about Dana, even though Fye asked him enough questions. It was just a part of himself he didn't want to expose. As if there was some tiny sanctum inside him, dedicated to Dana, which would be profaned once he talked about her. 

Her grasp around him tightened. He stared forward. Again his thumb glided to the ink on his hand. 

"Does that arrow have a special meaning?" she asked quietly. 

He heaved a sigh. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"You don't want to talk about anything!" Suddenly her voice sounded shrill and desperate, as if she could burst into tears any moment. "I have the feeling that we aren't moving forward in our relationship! I understand it hurts to talk about certain things, but if you bottle everything up you're living in the past and not in the present."

"I talked about it with someone," he answered, and with grudge he thought about Lotte. "It only made things worse."

"But that doesn't mean it will make things worse again? We're together for almost five months and I don't have the feeling that I've gotten to know you any better than during our first dates."

Her compelling grasp showed him that she wanted him to turn around to look her in the eye, but he didn't feel like it. Her nagging was only frustrating him. 

"I just need some space."

"But I've already shown you so much patience!"

He couldn't deny that. She was patient and understanding, sweet and incredibly beautiful. He loved to hold her in his arms at night and it was nice that there was someone waiting for him after a long day of work. And still...

Still he missed something. 

The sex was definitely boring him; she wasn't very skilled and although he tried to guide her, it hadn't led to many improvements. There were a lot of things she wasn't used to and she was hesitant to try new things; and because of her nervousness many positions hurt her. More than once he had left the clubhouse early, afraid to end up in bed with a Croweater otherwise. 

But there was more – he just couldn't put his finger on it. When he was with Dana, something had convinced him that they belonged together. He had never believed in soulmates until he met her. And he knew he shouldn't compare Fye to her, but it happened naturally. He just missed that click. The many spontaneous love-makings at the most random places, the way she could make him forget about everything by only looking into his eyes, the way they could laugh about something stupid for hours, their philosophizing about the future...

Her arms glided away from him and quietly she went inside. 

Juice felt bad about it. He didn't want to hurt her; he wanted to feel like he felt during the first weeks. But he couldn't help himself – and he knew that he was the cause.

After a while he went inside. She was reading a book on the couch, but the way she was staring down told him that she wasn't actually reading. He sat down on the armrest of the couch and pressed a kiss in her hair. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly. He took a deep breath. If he didn't want to lose her, he had to tell her  _something_ to explain his behavior. "The last time I saw her, was at Valentine's Day. I had forgotten to buy anything and her friend persuaded me to get something last minute. It turned out to be ruse and she took me to her ex, the one who from who we were hiding."

Fye looked up to him. He closed his eyes when her fingertips lightly stroked his cheek and the hairs in his neck raised. 

It was such a small thing he had told her, but somehow it seemed to lift a blockade. 

When he opened his eyes again, she looked at him, her eyes a little wide. 

"That eh, that's all I want to share right now," he muttered. "Sorry."

"It's okay." She forced him to dip his head and kissed him. "I'm glad you tell me something, even when it's just a bit."

His fingers raked through her curls and he kissed her back. 

Her tenderness shoved his doubts to the side. 

"You want to go out tonight?" she asked a little later. "Hang out with the guys?"

He hesitated. The past days he had separated himself, so it was probably a good idea. "Okay." He rested his forehead against hers. "I don't know if I'm still able to love someone after everything that has happened," he said quietly. "But if there is anyone I love, it's you."

Her lips bent into a sweet smile, which he traced with his thumb. 

Yeah, he wanted to love her. 

He wanted to be able to love her. 

* * *

Juice sent a croweater to look after Mikey, who was already asleep. As soon as the girl had arrived, the two went to the clubhouse. Fye seeking the company of Amy, who had finally became Kozik's Old Lady a couple of weeks ago. He got himself a drink and hoisted himself on a bar stool next to his friend.

He felt a little better than the past days and he was grateful to Fye. For a while they talked about some club matters, until it became dead silent in the clubhouse. All he could hear, was the music. 

"Holy shit," Jax said all of a sudden. 

Simultaneously, Kozik and Juice turned their heads to the entrance. Three people had entered the room; a little boy and two women. With wide eyes he stared at the tallest of them. His glass slipped out of his hand and fell to pieces on the ground. 

Juice didn't move. 

Thousands of thoughts raced through his head, leading to only two conclusions: he was tripping or he was seeing a ghost.

 


	75. Dana

Dana was nervous as hell when she entered the clubhouse. The minute she had killed Maddox, she had called the authorities and explained the situation. Since she was officially dead, it was easy to verify that she had been reported missing four years ago. 

The police had picked them up from the airport and they were just done with their statements. And finally – finally they were allowed to go back to the others. 

Back to Juice. 

Of course she kept in mind that he might have moved on with his life; he might be in a new relationship, maybe he even had a kid. It didn't matter – as long as she could hold him in her arms. 

It had became dead silent in the dark room. Everyone was staring at her, even the Croweaters and Sons she didn't know. Casper squeezed her hand, all the attention made him nervous. 

Her eyes darted through the room. Tears jumped into her eyes the moment they fell upon Kip, and she squeezed Casper's hand once more. That was his father. Kip however didn't move, like he couldn't believe they were really here. 

A bar stool was moved and her eyes shot to the side. 

Oh god, there he was. 

With a pale face he stared at her. She covered her mouth when their eyes met and started to cry. Through a blur of tears she saw that the person next to him gave him a little nudge. Immediately he jumped up, sprinted across the room and grasped her firmly. 

Hot tears rolled down her cheeks when she let go of Casper so she could wrap both arms around Juice. 

"Is it really you?" His voice sounded fragile and his fingers were shaking while raking through her hair. "Oh baby is it really you?"

Sobbing, she nodded, raising her head. Tears dripped down his cheeks. His hands cupped her face, hers moved to his head as well. While her fingertips stroked his stubble, she looked into those beautiful brown eyes. His thumbs brushed her cheeking, leaving behind little jolts. 

"I can't believe it."

Through her tears, she smiled at him. Mesmerized, his thumb stroked her lip. 

"It's really you... it's really you right? Oh god." He started to sob again and hugged her once more. Gratefully she pressed her face against his chest. Her whole body seemed to burn now he was standing so close. She could neither believe that she had found him back after all those years. 

For a long time he was just holding her, although she could feel his lips right through her hair. Slowly she looked up. Her hand moved to his neck again while she searched for his eyes. 

His lips were quivering, as if he wanted to say something. Softly she pressed her mouth against his, lightly, giving him the chance to break the kiss if there was indeed another girl in his life. He however kissed her back without hesitation. Her legs felt weak when his tongue swirled around hers and she tightened her grasp around the hem of his cut.

All the pain she had gone through the last years; it hadn't changed a thing about the love she felt for this man. 

After the kiss she laid her hand against his cheek. There were countless things she wanted to tell him, but not a single word slipped her lips. 

Juice's forehead rested against hers. When he smiled at her, the butterflies danced through her stomach. 

"Go hug the others." His lips wandered to her ear and he whispered. "But I claim you tonight."

Dana wasn't ready to let go of him and pulled him closer. "I still can't believe I'm not dreaming."

. . .

In the end she reluctantly let go of him. Kip was the next one she headed to. She felt a little awkward because she had kissed Juice right under his nose. Of course he knew about her feelings for Juice, but she had feelings for him as well. 

She didn't know how to interpret his look when their eyes met. Had the kiss really hurt him? She squeezed Casper's shoulder – even when he wasn't ecstatic because of her return, he had to be happy to see his son, right? 

"You must be Dana," he muttered. 

Confused she looked at him and he sighed. 

"Maddox erased my memories when he sent me back. I uh – I have no memories before that day. Although I've heard some stories."

Dana froze, she felt a pang in her stomach. What...? He didn't remember her? He didn't know they had a child? A lump formed in her throat. 

"You okay with me hugging you?" she asked quietly. "Cause I uh... I've missed you a lot."

After a short hesitation he nodded. She held him tight. Countless memories crossed her mind, about moments he couldn't remember. But she would give him new memories. Better ones. At least she wouldn't tell him that Maddox had forced him to knock her up. 

She let go of him. A bit awkwardly they looked at each other. Her eyes wandered to her son, but she wouldn't tell him the truth tonight. Tonight she didn't want to talk about anything at all. 

The next person she discerned in the crowd was Kozik. The sight of his wide grin filled her with warmth and she let him wrap his arms around her. 

"Hey girl." He held her tight. "I knew you'd come back."

Confused, she looked up to him. "You knew...?"

He nodded slowly. "Hap couldn't believe you were really dead, so he made me open your coffin again. Which was empty." He spoke softly, holding her glance. "We didn't tell anyone else. I was afraid that Juice..." He sighed. "He was in a really bad shape."

"I know," she muttered. "Maddox showed me videos."

"He's not... the person he used to be."

"Who is?" 

The look in Kozik's eyes worried her. It felt like he was trying to tell her something non-verbally and it made her nervous. 

"I uh, I'm going to greet the others and then I really want to go to bed. I haven't slept in days." She scooped up Casper, putting him on her hip. "Is there a bed available for Casper and Charley?"

He nodded. "Yeah... use my club room."

She gave him a weary smile, followed by another hug. "I've missed you Koz."

"Missed you too kid."

They let go of each other. 

Dana went to the other Sons as well, there after she took her son and Charley to Kozik's room. "You can sleep her tonight. Is that okay? I'll be two doors away from here."

Charley nodded slowly. 

"Tomorrow we will seek contact with your family, okay?"

By now Charley had told her the truth: that her parents were still alive and that Maddox had threatened to send Lotte to a brothel if she would tell Dana so. Reluctantly, Dana had told the girl that Lotte had died because of Maddox. Juice's role in it, she had kept to herself. 

She returned to the clubhouse. All the talking gave her a headache and she felt exhausted. All she wanted right now was sleep – but with Juice's arms around her. Her eyes fluttered across the room until she saw him standing close to the wall, together with a pretty blonde girl. 

The moment she saw the girl was crying, her shoulders slumped down. 

He did have a girlfriend.

Hesitating, she walked over to the couple, her heart feeling heavy. 

"I uh... I'm going to sleep," she said quietly to him. 

The girl wiped her eyes. "I'm so so sorry," she muttered. "I feel like shit for crying here while I should be happy because someone is brought back from the dead."

"Don't worry. I get it; your life is turned upside down too because of me. You're his girl now, right?"

"She means nothing to me," Juice answered. His arms glided around Dana and he held her close. "She was just helping me to get rid of the loneliness." 

Dana looked over her shoulder at him. He sounded so cold – not like the Juice she knew. He would never have hurt someone intentionally – and there really was no reason for it. If anything, she had encouraged him to find new love. 

"It's not easy for her either," she said, holding his glance. "You do understand her, right?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Right now, you're the one I want..." He kissed her neck. "That's the only thing I can think about."

Dana saw the girl turn her head away. Again she tried to blink away the tears. 

She turned back to Juice. "I'll get to your room soon, okay? I wanna talk a bit with her."

Juice shrugged his shoulders and gave her another kiss. "Okay."

Dana grabbed the girl's hand and took her outside. Once they were alone, she didn't know what to say. 

"I'm sorry," she said eventually. "You obviously care about him. But right now, he's so overwhelmed that he can't think straight. Give him some time and talk with him. Okay?"

"And while I wait until he's ready, you'll be fucking him, right?" 

Dana hadn't expected her blunt answer; the girl had looked so sweet. Nevertheless, she understood her. "I won't sleep with him now I know he's in a relationship," she promised. 

The girl heaved a deep sigh. "Right. Whatever." She turned around and walked away. 

* * *

Dana closed Juice's bedroom door behind her. He was sitting on the end of his bed, taking off his boots. She sat down next to him. 

"You're together for a long time?" she asked hesitantly. 

He shrugged a shoulder. "Not really. Couple of months. I get that this sucks for her, but honestly? After living without you for  _four fucking years_ I really don't care. She'll get over it, we've been through worse things." He took her hand. "I love you Dana. I love you so fucking much."

She leaned into him and kissed his lips. "I love you too." She rested with her head against his chest. "And I'm so tired. There are a lot of things we need to talk about, but right now... right now I just want to sleep. In your arms."

"Sounds like a perfect plan." His smile lit up his face. Something told her it had been long since he had shown such a smile. 

They undressed until they were only wearing their underwear and went underneath the blankets. Juice wrapped his arms around her and kissed her shoulder, peeking down. 

"That ink is fucking hot. Is it my Crow?"

She bent back her head, kissing his chin. "Who else's? You're the love of my life, Juice."

He tightened his grasp around her. As she felt his warm stomach against her back, she shivered. "And you're the love of my life, Dane."

 


	76. Juice

How many times he woke up while the shreds of a dream were still flashing through his mind? That he was mistaking the female curves of another woman for hers? Also today, Juice told himself that this was nothing but a beautiful dream and he snuggled up to the to stay a little longer in the moment. His lips touched her warm shoulder and her scent tickled his nostrils. Fuck, it felt so real... A sharp pain hit his heart. No longer wanting to torture himself with this fantasy, he opened his eyes. Her golden hair was draped over her shoulder and he could just catch a glimpse of her jaw. He didn't know where he had found this little whore, but the similarities were stunning.

_Fye!_

"Shit!" Immediately he shied way from the girl, sitting up straight. Oh shit, how could he have done this? He didn't want to be unfaithful – he had really believed he was in control! "Oh fuck." Grunting, he shook the girl's shoulder. "Hey, you gotta go. And keep your mouth shut about this, otherwise..."

He became silent when she turned around, looking drowsy at him. "I've heard sweeter things comin' from your mouth."

"D-Dana? I thought – how is this possible? I thought this was a dream, that..."

This still had to be a dream. Or was he just going crazy?

She sat up straight, causing the blanket to drop down, revealing her breasts. He stared at them. For years they had been part of his fantasies, but never before he had such a detailed memory of every curve and every birthmark. Underneath the blanket she bent a knee as she took his hand, her thumb stroking the back of it. The small touch made his breathing speed up, sending shivers through his whole body, in such an intense way it called up tears in his eyes. He squeezed them.

For a while he kept sitting there like that, trying to regain control over his breathing. It was just too much to comprehend. He felt how she moved, how she sat down on his lap. A shiver traveled through his body as her hands cupped his cheeks.

"Look at me baby."

Without hesitating, he opened his eyes and looked into her beautiful eyes, as he had done so many times when he was close to a panic attack.

"It's over. Maddox is dead."

"But... but so are you."

Her smile proved him wrong. Her hands wandered across his chest and the longing for her was so heavy it hurt. Laying a hand on her lower back, he pulled her closer. Tears were still on the edge of his eyelids when he kissed her. It was a slow, intense kiss, shutting off all his thoughts. His hand found her breast, massaging it until she softly moaned into his mouth. The sound made him shiver.

The kiss became more passionate, every stroke of her tongue making him feel so excited that it didn't take long before he was out of breath. Hiding his troubled breathing, he kissed her neck and the ink between her breasts and her neck, before he turned his attention to her beautiful bosom.

"Oh Juice," she whispered as he laid his lips around her nipple and started to suck. Her hands glided across his head, her waist pressed against his. He moved his hand to his boxers to free himself, but before he managed to do so she sighed, leaning with her forehead against his.

"I promised your girlfriend not to have sex with you."

"She's no longer my girlfriend. You are. You are my fiance. God, finally I can marry you, make you mine." He looked up to her, caressing her cheek. "I love you."

She smiled, although it was a bit of a sad smile. "Break up with her first. I don't want us to start like this. While you're cheating."

He waved at her breasts who he had loved only a minute ago. "I already cheated on her."

"You know what I mean." She pushed him down and lowered herself on top of him, her elbow propped up next to them to support her head while she looked down on him. "Many things have happened the past years. Things we have to talk about. We can't just pick up where we left."

Sighing, he shoved his hand underneath his head. He didn't want to talk about the past years. What if she found out what he had done to Lotte? She would never look at him the same. He thought about all the horrible things she had gone through herself, suddenly remembering the little boy he had seen.

"That kid... is he your son?" he asked in a low voice. "Or is he with the other girl?"

"Casper is my son. Maddox forced me to have sex with someone so we could have a kid."

Her words caused a pang in his chest. "I... I can't talk about this yet," he muttered. "I – I'm not even completely convinced that you're still alive. I don't get it... I saw you in that coffin. I touched you, I..." Again his breathing fell heavier and he wiped his eyes. "You're dead. This – this ain't real..."

She stroked his cheek. "Maddox used the poison of a fish to paralyze me, making my heartbeat almost undetectable." She took a deep breathe. "I asked Maddox to do that for me." The expression on her face became sad.

He wanted her to stop talking, he wanted to see her smile, but he understood she needed this.

"Maddox had installed cameras in your apartment. He let me watch you... I saw what you were going through, and when you found out that Lotte worked for Maddox..."

He froze. "You saw that?"

"Yeah, Maddox made me watch it. I think he hoped that I would hate you for it. But I could never hate you, baby. I felt so sorry for you. I thought – I thought it would be better if I was dead, so you could find some closure. So you could all find some closure, and so Maddox would believe that I no longer wanted to escape."

It took a few words before her words landed. "You're telling me... You're telling me it was  _your_  idea to fake your death? You made me mourn without you actually being dead?! How – how could you do that to me?!" He was getting trouble breathing, his eyes filled with tears again. Roughly, he pushed her away and sat up straight. "My baby girl was dead. I lost  _everything._ I've been sitting at an empty grave for two years; pouring my heart out to a piece of stone and now you're telling me it was  _your_ idea?!"

"It was what was best for you. It..."

"How would you know?!" he snapped. "You weren't there! You had no idea how I felt! What it's like to live with the thought that you were dead while I should have protected you!" He wiped his eyes, but the anger made his tears vaporize. "I had just lost Lotte. How could you think that it was better for me to lose you  _too?_ For good!"

She stayed calm. "I didn't want you to keep looking for me for the rest of your life. I knew you would never be able to trust a woman again after Lotte's betrayal – you would suspect any girl of spying for Maddox. I didn't know if I would ever find a way to leave him. You had to move on." She kept his glance. "He showed me everything, Juice. The times that you were taking an overdosis, lying helplessly on the floor while all I could do was pray that someone would find you. I saw you beat up your new girlfriend, saw you strangle her..."

"Just shut up!" he yelled. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't need a reminder of his cowardliness, of all the disgusting things he had done. "Leave. Just leave..." He waved at the door. "I can't... I can't do this right now..." He cursed, all his muscles were contracting. Something dark flowed through his veins, making his heart grow cold. "By dying, you caused me more pain than anyone else. You hurt me more than Lotte did. More than Maddox."

"It wasn't an easy decision, Juice." She got off the bed, pulling her shirt over her head. "I did it because I love you. Because I know you, and I knew dealing with my death would be easier than dealing with my disappearance."

He gritted his teeth. He knew what she was insinuating; that he would have killed himself if she  _hadn't_ done it, and the thought that she believed that he was such a coward, made him furious. Even if it was true. "Then you should have known too that it was better to stay away. If you  _really_ wanted me to move on, you wouldn't have returned."

She squared her shoulders. Even if his words hurt her, she didn't show it. "There were more reasons to return to Charming than you alone, Juice. And you're the one abandoning his girlfriend the moment you saw me. You never moved on. Not really."

His jaw clenched. "If I'd known that you were such a backstabbing bitch, it certainly would have helped me to get over you!"

She looked him shortly in the eye. Her calmness made his blood boil.

"What?!" he snapped. "You don't like my tone? You can't stand those blunt words? Well guess what;  _you_ are the one who made me this way!"

"I know," she replied softly. "And I'm sorry. But a cold heart can be warmed. A dead one can't. This was the lesser of two evils."

She took her shoes from the floor and left his room. Yelling, Juice grabbed his nightstand and threw it to the other side of the room.

She had almost literally thrown it into his face.

That he was weak. That he was a coward.


	77. Dana

The moment Dana was standing in the hallway, she leaned against the wall, feeling defeated. She could hear his rage; he screamed while throwing things against the wall. Oh, she felt so sorry for him. 

Of course she understood him. 

She might have been furious too, if she had been in his shoes. He needed time to deal with all of this and she would give him that time. She was also taking into account the possibility that they would never get back together at all. Too much might have happened. She thought she could make peace with that, but hearing him rant right now... He was still so damaged, which was the reason that the tears were piling up in her eyes. 

Knowing that things would only get worse if he stormed out of his room and saw her behind his door, she walked further down the hallway. Opening the door of Kozik's room, she peeked inside. Casper and Charley both seemed to be asleep. Although there was some space on the bed, she decided not to take the risk of waking them up. They both needed their sleep. 

Instead, she walked to the kitchen and got herself breakfast. A pot of coffee was ready, telling her someone else was around. With a bowl with cereals and yogurt in her one hand and coffee in the other, she walked to the sitting area. The gloominess she had felt, disappeared when she noticed that Kozik was sitting on the couch. 

"Hey. You're up early." She sat down next to him. 

He looked briefly at her. "You too."

"But that doesn't surprise you, right?" she asked. Something told her that she was the reason that he had showed up so early. 

"No, it doesn't," he admitted. "But well – I had my hopes high that it would take a little longer before you two would start to fight. I guess it was inevitable, huh?"

"I guess." She shrugged her shoulders. "He'll come around. His brain is just shutting down."

"He didn't... hurt you, right?"

She shook her head. "No. When I explained to him why I'd chosen to fake my death, he started to yell, but he didn't start to throw things around until I had left the room."

From the corner of her eyes she saw that Kozik was pensively staring forward. "Clay promoted him to SAA just after your death," he told her. "Since that day, not much is left of the old Juice, Dane. You can't imagine the things he has done."

"I know more than you think," she answered. "Maddox showed me a lot of shit. I know what happened to Lotte. Trust me, I've gained some experience with complicated men the past years. If I can deal with Maddox, I'll survive Juice's mood swings as well. He just needs time to deal with stuff."

"I think that's exactly his problem," Kozik sighed. "He ain't dealing with anything. All his pain, his grief, his hatred... it remains raw. It doesn't fade."

"And his girlfriend? Lotte helped him a lot when they were together... Does she have a good influence on him?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. I don't know her that well. I often get the feeling that he just doesn't want to be alone. He never looks at her like he used to look at you. To be honest, he's neglecting all his relationships. With Fye, with us... with his nephew."

"His nephew?"

Kozik nodded slowly. "He showed up at the clubhouse when Juice was in rehab. The kid's seven now. Juice's sister is in jail and the kid had no other place to go. My Old Lady has a kid of the same age, so Juice is leaving the raising to her."

"Well well? You got an Old Lady?" Teasingly, she bumped her shoulder against his. "Tell me about her!"

A smile crossed his lips. "Her name is Amy. It's pretty recent, she gone through a really painful break-up so she wants to take little steps now. I wouldn't mind to go a bit faster, but..." He shrugged his shoulders. "I just want her to feel comfortable."

She leaned with her head against Kozik's shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Koz. You deserve a sweet girl."

"Don't get sentimental now, huh?" He wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "You got any plans for today?"

"Actually I wanted to ask you if Casper and I can move into your spare room for a while, but now you're with Amy things are different. But I just... I just don't want to force myself on Juice, so I don't think it's wise to stay in the clubhouse."

"Don't be silly, of course you can use my spare room." He was silent for a while, looking pensively at her. "Although I do wonder what Juice will think of that."

"I gotta go somewhere, it's just temporary." She shrugged her shoulders. As much as she loved Juice – the world didn't revolve around him. She didn't want her son to grow up in a clubhouse. Later today she would tell Kip that he had a son, but she was sure he needed time too to handle the news. She however didn't tell Kozik; she believed Kip had the right to be the first to hear about Casper. 

* * *

Because it was still early, Kozik and Dana decided to take some stuff to Kozik's apartment, so she would have a place to turn to in case Juice could no longer bear the thought to be in the same room as her. 

Once she had returned, she saw Juice sitting at the picknick table, smoking a cigarette, and she decided to share a few more words with him. There were still some matters she needed to discuss with him. 

She sat down next to him. In protest, he turned his head the other way, pretending she wasn't around. How long would he go through with this? They hadn't been in a lot of fights and usually she had been the stubborn one. Patience however was something she mastered those days and she forced herself not to worry too much. That would help neither of them. She was sure that he would be able to forgive her one day. He loved her, even when his anger was clouding all his other feelings right now. 

"I brought Maddox's laptop with me," she told him. "I don't think it's very well-protected; apart from me there was no one around. I'm sure there's information on it about the brothels he was owning and the girls he had abducted. If you can find access to his files, we might be able to make a deal with the cops, giving them the information in exchange for Hap's and Tig's release."

This time, Juice did turn his face towards her, looking her briefly in the eye. Confusion was shimmering in his eyes, as if he had expected her to say something about their relationship. Dana however left it to him. It was the chaos in  _his_ head that needed to be sorted out. She was willing to help him if he'd allow her, but she wasn't going to beg. She would just act normal, no matter how he treated her. By showing strength, she hoped he would draw strength from her. 

He nodded slowly. "Okay." He stared at his shoes, pondering as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not. 

"Did you ever meet Lotte's parents?" she asked after a while. His shoulders tensed when she mentioned the name of his ex. Before he would get angry, she continued: "Charley, the girl I took with me, is Lotte's little sister. I told her that Lotte died because of Maddox, I didn't say anything to her about you. Today we're going to reach out to her parents. I thought... well maybe you like a heads up in case you're suddenly confronted with them."

He didn't answer. She used his silence to tell him everything that was on her mind. 

"I'm going to move in with Kozik for a while. I don't want Casper to grow up in a clubhouse and I want to give you some space as well. Take the time to deal with all of this, Juice. I get it if you don't want to get back together, and maybe you can work on a future with Fye now you know what happened to me. But if you want to discover if we can still be a thing one day, I'd really like that. Maybe we can go out a few times, just something simple... Get to know each other again..."

When he didn't respond, she hesitantly laid her hand across his. Without looking at her, he pulled his hand away. She had no doubt that he had walked away if he hadn't believed it would make him look like a coward. 

"I'll give you the laptop in a minute. If you don't want to see me, you can always tell Kozik what you found so we can go to the police."

He snorted. "You asked Kozik's girl what she thinks of you moving in with her Old Man? Haven't you broken enough hearts?"

She frowned. "You know Kozik and I are just friends."

He dropped the butt of his cigarette and crushed it underneath his boot. "And still it's no rocket science to predict what's going to happen when the two of you are going to share a house." He got up. "I don't believe he has no feelings for you, I never have. And even if I'm wrong – everyone would want to fuck a body like yours, and Kozik ain't a saint. She knows that too."

Without taking a second look at her, he rushed away. 

Dana sighed, trying to ignore his blunt words. It was just a front; he was clinging to his anger to suppress his other feelings of which he didn't know what to do with them. 

 


	78. Kip

Kip didn't know why he was so nervous that he hadn't been able to sit still for over an hour, he just kept pacing back and forth in his apartment. 

Maybe because there never had been a girl visiting him outside his club room.

Or maybe because he was confronted with his memory loss once more. 

The past two years he had gotten used to his condition. Conversations with his parents, the Sons and even some guys from the military had enabled him to sketch his life a little. In grayscale; he wasn't able to color the scenes. There were no images to see, no memories, just information he saved in his head. 

There were only two years nobody had been able to tell him about, and as it seemed he would finally get the last answers. 

The doorbell rang. Taking a deep breath, he walked to the front door and opened it to let Dana in. A little clumsily he let the girl hug him. He discovered that he liked the feeling of her body pressed against his, causing a blush on his cheeks. That couldn't be right, they had just been friends. 

He led her to the living room and he motioned her to sit down on the couch. A little awkwardly he raked a hand through his blonde hair. "You uh – you want a drink? I got beer – and soda?"

"Soda is fine, thanks."

She showed him a smile, causing something to writhe in his stomach. What the hell was this? Embarrassed he went to the kitchen and poured two glasses. In the meantime he was wondering if he had always been so clumsy around girls. Or maybe around people in general? It felt like he couldn't connect with people since he was back, but maybe he had always been that way. 

"Thanks for letting me stop by," Dana said as she took the glass from him. "This has to be very strange for you, right?"

Shrugging a shoulder, he sat down next to her. His whole life was strange. Incomplete. Bending his head, he looked at the glass in his hand, noticing how good she smelled. It was hard to concentrate on something else. 

"So how are you?" she asked. 

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I don't feel like myself. Not that I know how that should feel... How – how was I?"

He hadn't asked a lot of people that question. There was just something about her making him trust her. Whatever he would say, he was sure she wouldn't judge him. 

"You were always cheerful, loud... you made a lot of bad jokes." When he skittishly looked aside, he noticed the slight grin on her lips. "You were social, everyone liked you."

Her fingers shoved towards his hand and covered it. The moment he felt her warmth, his heart was racing in his chest. He no longer dared to look at her. 

"The things that happened changed all of us. Even when Maddox wouldn't have wiped your memory, you wouldn't have been the same man. I'm neither the girl I was before, and the same goes for Juice and Kozik... We all suffered."

Pondering, Kip stared forward. Were they still able to remember their old self? Or had they changed so gradually they couldn't see the change? 

After a while Dana squeezed his hand. "I have to tell you something that will startle you," she said. "But I don't think it's wise to delay it."

He looked up to her. Her breathing told him how nervous she felt. 

"Okay," he answered quietly. 

She nodded and bent her head to watch their hands. Kip did the same; it was easier than looking at her face.

"During our captivity you fell in love with me. And I fell in love with you." She paused, as if she wanted to give him room to get used to the idea. "I know you don't remember anything but..."

"I don't remember it, but I do feel it." His raspy voice startled him; there were so many emotions hidden in it. "I felt it when you hugged me." He was aware of his racing heart. "I feel it now."

"Really?" Her voice sounded excited. "That's amazing! Maybe your memories are still there too, buried deeply!"

If he was honest, he wasn't very happy about this discovery. Back then Juice had been madder than hell because he hadn't been able to remember his girlfriend; he couldn't imagine how angry he would be once he knew they had been in love and had done god knows what.

An awkward silence fell. Again he glanced at their laced hands. Now he knew they had history together, he wanted to pull his hand away; more out of duty than that he really wanted to let go of her. 

"I don't really know what to do with this," he said eventually. "It's Juice you want to move on with – and I assume I've always known that."

"You did," she said quietly. "If Juice ever wants me back." She sighed. "But that isn't the reason I tell you this. You're not some kind of rebound. I'm here because... because..." He felt her fingers tense and looked up. Nervously, her eyes shot from left to right. 

"You can tell me," he encouraged her. 

Whatever the reason Juice was pissed at her; he doubted he could ever be angry with such a beautiful sweet girl, especially after everything she'd gone through.

"Yesterday you saw Casper, right? The little boy that was with me?"

Again there was a strange feeling in his stomach; this time a stab. "Yeah," he muttered. 

"Casper is... Casper is your son, Kip."

Stunned, he stared at Dana. Maybe her nervousness should have alarmed him, but her words were still unexpected. "I... I don't..." he stammered. 

She cast her glance at the floor. "Maddox couldn't have kids, so he wanted you to impregnate me. However, he didn't know that we loved each other and that we had sex before."

"Holy shit," he stammered, rubbing his face. Suddenly it felt like the room was spinning around him. "Holy shit... I got a kid. I got a son..."

Tears gathered in his eyes and he sobbed quietly. His whole body was shaking when she wrapped her arms around him and leaned with her head against his shoulder. For two years there had been a toddler sauntering around without knowing his daddy. Without knowing his  _real_ daddy. He hadn't known – there was no way he could have known it, but still he felt guilty. 

"You don't have to see him right away," she said, holding him tight. "Let it sink in... Once you're ready..."

"No," he whispered. "I want to see him now. If I'm his dad, I don't want him to live another second without his father."

 


	79. Fye

Fye had pictured this weekend very differently. She had booked a hotelroom for a couple of days, hoping Juice and her would come closer together again. Away from Charming, away from all the drama, all the painful memories. Just the two of them. That would have been the perfect moment to tell him. 

Instead, she was sitting at the kitchen table now, all alone, her eyes puffy because of all the crying now she knew she had lost him. She had always known that she wasn't his number one, but the way he had cast her aside yesterday... that really hurt. 

He hadn't come home last night. That could only mean one thing: he had stayed in the clubhouse with Dana. Fye really tried to feel happy for him. Because of the loss of her father she knew his pain. If she would lose the love of her life and would get him back, she probably would have acted the same. She understood him, she couldn't  _really_ blame him. But nevertheless it hurt a lot. For she loved him, she didn't want to lose him. Even when she granted him his happiness. 

She felt selfish, but the nagging feeling just didn't go away. 

And her recent discovery would only make things worse. Her nauseousness could have been caused by stress, but she could think of only one reason why her breasts were so sensitive. She had hoped it would bring them closer together, but right now she had no idea how he would respond. 

Maybe she should just leave, so he would never find out. Then he wouldn't be confronted with more pain. If she stayed, it would only cause trouble with Dana. And she just wanted him to be happy. With or without her. 

She held her breath when the key was turned and the front door opened. Nervously she wrapped her arms around her upper body. Was he here to pack his stuff? To officially end their relationship? A stab of pain went through her stomach. She wasn't ready to let him go. 

When he entered the room, she turned her head away and stared at the table top. She just couldn't look him in the eye, not now he was about to destroy everything. She had been fantasizing about a serious future with him for a while now, and when the pregnancy test had been positive, she had really been able to picture it. 

And now, everything fell apart. 

She would probably be a single mother. Maybe he didn't even want the child. It wasn't planned, they had never talked about kids. She thought they had done it safely, but she wasn't sure since there had been a couple of drunk nights. 

Apparently, they hadn't done it safely. 

His footsteps came closer and stopped behind her. She squeezed her eyes, as if that would help her to escape from the inevitable words. As he laid his hands on her shoulders and pressed a kiss in her hair, she was almost about to whimper because she felt so stressed.

"I'm sorry about last night. I just couldn't think straight anymore once I saw her."

Fye shrugged her shoulders. "I get it," she muttered.  "I'm sorry too. I should have been happier for you, but it's just hard to know that I will lose you."

Juice turned the chair to the side and crouched down. "Hey, you're not gonna lose me." He placed a hand on her knee as he looked at her. "I was just completely overwhelmed."

Confused, she looked at him. "What do you mean, I'm not gonna lose you? Aren't you going back to Dana? You love her."

"I love  _you._ " He took her hand, pressing kisses to her knuckles. "I love you, Fye."

Dismayed, she kept staring at him. "I don't understand... Yesterday... yesterday you said I meant nothing to you."

"I wasn't thinking yesterday."

She saw that he clenched his jaw. "What happened, Juice?" she asked quietly. "Are you in a fight with her?"

She wasn't stupid – it was hard to believe that he wanted  _her_ all of a sudden. 

"She just isn't who she used to be. And neither am I." A dark glow crept into his eyes. "Dana is dead to me."

"But –"

"No  _but_!" he snapped. "I don't wanna hear her name again, okay? Whatever Dana and I had; it's over. It is for years. I was stupid to think things would get back to the way they were. The guy she had fallen in love with is dead. The girl I fell in love with is dead too." Taking a few deep breaths, he tried to keep his anger in check. Once he glanced up to her again, his eyes were calmer. "I'm sorry I kissed her. You think you can forgive me?"

"All you did was kiss?" she asked suspiciously. 

He nodded. "Yeah. I... I couldn't do more. Felt wrong." Again he grabbed her hand and kissed it. "I want you, Fye."

A little uncomfortable she shifted in her chair. He had never said that so frankly to her. The whole situation still didn't feel right. What words had been exchanged between him and Dana? She however didn't dare to ask. 

"Okay," she said eventually. "I forgive you." She caressed his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too. Only you."

Exactly that final addition gave her a heavy feeling in her chest. It felt like he wasn't only trying to convince  _her._ Still – it was a much better outcome than she had thought when she heard the door. Why would she care about the reason he had changed his mind?

She leaned into him and kissed his lips. Meantime she thought about the child that was growing inside her. She didn't dare to tell him yet – not now he was so erratic, now there was already so much on his plate. 

She wasn't in a hurry. She was sure there would be a better day to tell him that he was going to be a dad again, once things had calmed down.  

* * *

I know  _another_ pregnancy might be a little over the top, even when Dana's pregnancy is three years ago, but I thought it would be the perfect (if not only) way to make Juice a little softer again. Nothing is more powerful than the love for a baby. ;D

 


	80. Dana

Dana's hands slipped underneath his kutte and she wrapped her arms tight around him when he started his bike. It reminded her of the many times they had seek solace in each other. Just holding each other had been enough to get rid of the fear, the pain and the hopelessness for a little while. 

The thought that he didn't remember any of these times, hurt. 

Pressing her cheek against his back she closed her eyes for a moment, trying to find that same peace. The fact that he had admitted to her that he had still feelings for her, even when he lacked memories, had warmth her to the core. Still, it also caused a dull pain; it would be an unanswered love. 

Even if she  _wanted_ to answer it. 

Even when Juice decided not to want her back, she couldn't move on with Kip. She was his brothers fiance. Nothing would justify their togetherness. Back in the day he already had felt like a traitor; right under Juice's nose those feelings of guilt would only get worse. 

The possibility that Juice didn't want her anymore, cooled off the warmth she had felt a minute ago. For years he had been her tower of strength; she had clung to every memory she had with him. Returning to him had been her life goal, the reason she kept fighting, the reason she never gave in. 

But what if he would never be able to forgive her? A tear rolled down her cheek. If he had really loved another girl, it might have been easier to accept his rejection. At least he would have been happy then. 

The easiness with which he had shoved his girl to the side yesterday, however told her that she couldn't make him happy. Not really. Dana still believed they belonged together, but she was also afraid of the man he had became. All this time she had known that he was changed, and still she had been convinced that he just needed her back in his life; that he would feel complete again the moment he held her in his arms. Now, insecurity was gnawing. 

Maybe it was already too late. Maybe she couldn't help him either. Not anymore. 

* * *

As they reached Kozik's house, she quickly wiped the traces of tears away. 

"You okay?" Kip asked in a soft voice after he had gotten off his bike. 

Dana nodded quickly. "Yeah. It's just... all of this is pretty intense." She dropped her eyes. "I pictured some things differently."

In silence, he wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back. With quivering lips she leaned into him, catching herself wishing it were Juice's arms around her. She had feelings for Kip, but compared to the heat Juice called up inside her, it tended more towards a close friendship than anything else. After taking a few deep breaths, she broke away from the embrace, headed over to Kozik's door and opened it. 

They found Amy and Kozik cuddled up on the couch while watching a movie. Amy's cheeks turned red as if they were caught doing something, and she quickly sat up a little straighter. It was a sweet woman, Dana had discovered today. Very helpful, but a little insecure because of her large size. 

Dana peeked aside. Kip's face was pale; she was so absorbed by her own feelings that she hadn't noticed how nervous he felt. Her hand glided in his and she gave him an encouraging squeeze. 

Together they walked over to the couple and sat down on the couch. Kozik's curious glance rested upon her face and she took a deep breath. "I want Kip to meet Casper," she told him. "He uh... he's Casper's father."

The words made the heat rise to her cheeks. Although she had never regretted their intimacy, it felt uneasy to speak so openly about it now. 

"You're serious?" With an astonished face Kozik got up. "Wow... eh, congrats man!" He hugged his friend. 

"Yeah... thanks." He buried his fingers in his blonde strands, nervously scratching the back of his head. "It's so weird... I just didn't know. I didn't know I had a kid." He pursed his lips. A lump appeared in her throat when tears were filling his eyes. 

"I will wake him up." She squeezed his hand one more time before she let go of him. She entered the bedroom they had made ready earlier today and sat down on the edge of the bed. With her fingers she combed through the blonde hair of her son. 

He was facing a lot of changes. They had traveled a lot, the man who he had considered as his father was no longer around and Charley had been picked up by her parents a couple of hours ago. She had promised to return soon, but there were a lot of things she needed to deal with. In all honesty Dana doubted she would ever see the girl again, even when she considered Casper as her little brother. 

From the longer hair on the top of his head, her hand glided to the shaved side and from there to his soft cheek. Leaning into him, she kissed his forehead; then she gently shook his shoulder. 

"Casper? Please wake up honey."

With his little fists he rubbed his face, where after he looked up to her with his blue eyes. His lips bent into a tired smile. "Hi Mommy."

"Please come sit with Mommy."

He climbed on her lap and she wrapped her arms around him. "You remember I told you we would visit Daddy? Your Daddy who had to be away for a while, because of which Ruben took care of us?"

Yawning, Ruben nodded. 

"He's here now. He can't wait to meet you. You wanna see Daddy too?"

Still a bit sleepy he leaned with his head against her bosom, then he nodded once more. "Yes. I wanna see Daddy." He looked up to her as if he was awaiting her approval. 

"Very well. Mommy will invite him in. You can give him a big hug if you like." She put him on the bed next to her and walked to the door to let Kip in. In a hurry he walked up to them, his hands shaking. 

She briefly rubbed his back when he closed the door and followed him at a small distance, not knowing whether he wanted to do this alone or together. 

As soon as Kip knelt in front of the bed and her son looked up to the strange man with wide, expectantly eyes, the tears jumped into her eyes. She tried to stay strong, she didn't want Casper to see her cry. He wouldn't understand why and worry, thinking that she was in pain. 

"Hey little man." Kip's voice sounded strange, emotional, and even though she was looking at the back of his head, she knew his blue eyes were shining with tears. "Do you know who I am?"

"Mommy said... Uhm, Mommy said that you are my Daddy." Shyly, Casper intertwined his fingers, looking up to his mother with questioning eyes. She showed him a reassuring smile, walked closer to them and laid a hand on Kip's shoulder before she knelt down next to him. 

"That's right. And Daddy... Daddy was looking forward to meet you for a very long time."

Kip's fingers were trembling as he laid them against his son's cheek. 

Dana's heart broke when he could no longer control his sobs and started to cry. 

"Daddy is... Daddy is so so sorry he couldn't see you sooner," Kip whispered.

Dana pursed her lips and blinked away her own tears when his father's grief touched Casper, causing him to wrap his small arms around Kip's neck. 

"That's okay," Casper said in a resigned tone that only kids used. "Mommy told me you were very sick and needed to be away for a while."

"Yes," Kip sniffed. "Yes, that's true." His hand stroked the boy's face and he kissed him before he pulled him back in his arms. "But that will never happen again," Kip promised him. "I will never leave you alone again, son."

Dana had to cry too. "You can read him a little story before he goes back to sleep," she said before she pressed a kiss at the top of both their heads and left the room. The moment the door was closed, she leaned against it and wiped her eyes. 

It didn't take long before she felt Kozik's arms around her and she started to cry against his chest. "I feel so sorry for him," she sobbed. "I feel so sorry for him for not remembering his son."

"Luckily they have a lot of time to catch up and get to know each other." Soothingly he rubbed between her shoulder blades. "They will be fine. Everything will be fine now you're back."

For a while she leaned into his embrace, then she walked over to the kitchen to fill a glass of water to ease her sore throat. 

Footsteps told her Kozik watched her from a little distance. "Did Maddox know?"

"It was his idea." Sighing, she turned towards him. "After what he had done to Tabitha, he thought a new baby would cheer me up. He couldn't have kids himself, so I had to do it with Kip. If not, there was no use in keeping him alive, he told me. We agreed that we would do it if he promised to set Kip free in case I got pregnant. But I never knew that Maddox planned to wipe his memories."

"Oh Dane... I'm so sorry he made you do that." Tears were shining in his eyes. 

"It wasn't as bad as you think. Kip and I had feelings for each other before Maddox came up with his plan. I don't know if Maddox ever knew. But Casper is born out of love, and not out of coercion." She cast her glance at the floor. "Not really."

Kozik leaned against the fridge. "You're gonna tell Juice? Or will you wait until he hears it through the grapevine?"

She shook her head. "No, I can't do that to him. I will tell him tomorrow. I just wanted Kip to be the first to know."

Pensively Kozik looked at her, nodding slowly. "Let's just hope he will take it well."

"I don't think he will," she said honestly. "But there's nothing I can do about it. What happened, has happened."

She held her shoulders with her hands, her arms crossed. She was dreading to tell him, knowing it would hurt him and by reflex he would probably try to hurt her too. It felt as if she was constantly adding fuel to the fire, but waiting would only cause the flames to get higher and more destructive. 

 


	81. Juice

Juice stared into his coffee mug. Tonight he hadn't slept at all; his mind had been racing with all the things he had discovered yesterday. By morning, most of the anger had subsided. He still found it hard that she had faked her death, willingly causing him so much pain. But if that was the only way to convince Maddox that she wouldn't try to escape again, he understood her decision. She had rather wanted him to lose her temporary than forever. 

So yeah – he understood her, even though it didn't take the anger and pain away. He was just a mess. He had been like that since she was taken from him and deep down he didn't believe he would ever become his old self again. How could he? Finding the mutilated body of his little girl, Dana's kidnapping, the murder of Lotte and later of Cherry – all those things had marked him forever. No matter how broken he was, he didn't want her trying to fix him. If he was honest, he couldn't picture a life in which he could make her happy. He was a monster. She had finally escaped from a sociopath, should she really commit herself to another one? He was no longer who she thought he was. 

It was over, the man she had loved was dead. He was only a ghost; a ghost whispering in his ear that he loved Dana deeply and that he should let her go. She had to find a nice guy, a normal guy. 

She would never accept his words; he had to show her what a monster he was. He had to persist yesterday's behavior, even when it hurt her. In the end she would become sick of him; she would see the monster he had become. Then she would let him go too. 

Was it fair to Fye? 

Maybe not. 

But his feelings for Dana had always been there, that hadn't changed. And he loved Fye – in a way. Just not as much as he loved Dana – but he never wanted to love someone so much again. It had destroyed him. It was his love for Dana what had destroyed him. If that happened to him again, nothing would be left of him. 

The doorbell made him look up. It was close to 9, who the hell would stop by that early? Before he could get up, Fye did. Her curls bounced around her shoulders as she walked to the front door. 

He heard soft voices, footsteps. 

When Dana entered the room, he could only stare at her. It was still unbelievable that she had returned and he felt his heart jump. She was wearing a green blouse, reminding him of the blouse she wore when they were playing strippoker. It felt like a lifetime ago. Oh, how he wanted to sit down with her on the couch, be twenty nine again and unbutton the piece of clothe? And all he was actually doing, was hurting her. 

But it was better if she bit the bullet now instead of trying to be in a relationship with him again and discovering the monster inside him. She deserved a sweeter, a nicer man. Not a man who had shot her best friend through her head without a shred of remorse. 

"What do you want?" he asked. 

Miraculously, he managed to keep his voice in control. It didn't shake and sounded bored. 

"I need to tell you something. Can we uh – can we talk somewhere in private?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever it is, Fye can listen too." With his eyes he motioned his girlfriend to sit down next to him. 

Dana seemed confused for a moment, then she nodded and sat down across from him. Although he was aware of how uncomfortable Fye felt, he grabbed her hand and rested it on the table, hoping the affection would startle Dana. 

His heart however was crying when she showed him a sad smile. Even when provoking her, she didn't get upset, she didn't become angry. She was so sweet, so friendly. He was so unworthy of her. 

"Right. Ehmm... I wanted to tell you myself before you go to the clubhouse and pick up on it." Dana sighed. Her hand moved across the table as if she wanted to put it over his; then she pulled it back in confusion and blushed. 

The sight of her red cheeks sped up his breathing. He wanted to lay his hand against her warm cheek, wanted to kiss her, wanted...  _Focus!_ He shoved his thoughts to the side as he had taught himself during the past months and searched for the dark silence in his mind; there where he was always finding himself when he had to carry out tasks for the club without room for a conscious or doubt. 

"Well? What are you waiting for?"

She took a deep breath. "Okay. Umm... The last time we were calling... when you told me about Lotte and I told you about... that guard I had feelings for?"

For a moment the emotions were battering on his wall; that had been one of the toughest days in his life. Quickly he slammed his feelings away. "Yeah?"

"Well – he was no guard. I uh – I talked about Kip."

Juice stared at her. Her words were so unexpected that his wall collapsed; bricks hitting his face. "You fucked him?"

His voice sounded low and threatening – he didn't even have to pretend. 

She however didn't flinch and looked calmly at him. "I did. Kip was locked up in a room for months, I was raped for months. When we had a moment alone, we needed each other's love. We had sex one time, there after Kip felt so guilty towards you that he didn't want to do it again, not even when I told him you were banging another chick too. Maddox loved to show me those videos."

Juice felt Fye tense. Damn it, he didn't want her to hear all of this. What if Dana would say something about Lotte? "Go upstairs."

"But –"

"Go fucking upstairs!!"

Quietly, she shoved back her chair and pulled away her hand. Without saying anything she walked away. Juice breathed in heavily; he hated himself for hurting the only two women he cared about. He felt the urge to apologize to Dana, but kept his teeth clenched. This was exactly what he wanted. She had to see what an asshole he was. 

"I didn't tell her any of that shit," he explained to Dana. "So? You fucked Kip. You really needed to tell me that? You're tryin' to tell me you don't want me anymore 'cause you're movin' on with him? Well you got my blessing,  I don't give a shit about who you fuck."

"I love  _you,_ Juice. That doesn't mean that I have no feelings for Kip, but you're the one my heart beat for the past years, and I know it will always beat for you."

 _No no no!_ He didn't want to hear shit like this. She was supposed to hate him,  _hate_ him!

"Whatever," he huffed. 

She sighed. Her blue eyes rested in his and he felt a shiver crept down his spine. What if she saw right through him? She knew him so well... Or at least she knew the old Juice so well. Who was gone. 

"Maddox didn't know about Kip and me," she continued. "One day he wanted me to get pregnant again. He couldn't help me with that, so he forced me to have sex with Kip. It wasn't completely involuntarily, but Maddox didn't know that." She kept his glance. "Casper is his. Kip is Casper's father. I told him last night, for he doesn't remember. I wanted to be the one telling you this, Juice." This time she reached over the table and hold his hand. "I know this is hard to accept. The past four years have been so fucked up, I..."

"Leave," he growled. Suddenly he felt sick. Kip and Dana had fucked. They had a fucking  _child._ His own daughter was dead, but Kip's was still alive? Maddox had killed his little girl, but he had fucking wanted Kip to bang Dana?! "Leave Dana. Leave or I'll do something to you. You said what you wanted to say, so fuck off now. I don't wanna see you again. Not ever."

When she didn't respond, the anger bubbled up and he pushed the table backwards. He wanted her to leave. He knew he could never lay a hand on her but he didn't want her to know. 

"I've lived with a monster for four years, Juice," she answered calmly. "I've been raped and beaten and still I was strong enough to tame the beast and kill him. You really think you can scare me? If you want me to leave, just ask nicely."

The disappointment in her eyes felt like a punch in the stomach. 

But that was good. That was what he wanted. 

A little stiff she stood up and headed to the front door. Juice watched her leave. 

Once the door was shut, he buried his face in his hands and started to cry. 

As good as he had controlled himself the past year – right now he was a fucking mess. Again. 

 

 


	82. Fye

It wasn't that long ago that she had moved in with him; only a couple of weeks. At that time she hadn't doubted her decision for a minute. And now she was taking a pile of clothes from the closet to put them in her travel bag. She was almost done packing when she heard footsteps stopping right behind her. 

"What are you doing?"

His voice sounded emotional. When she turned around, she noticed that his eyes were red. He had cried. Immediately she felt the urge to wrap her arms around him, but she knew it weren't her arms he needed. 

"I'm going to my sister for a while."

He stepped into the room. "I'm sorry Fye. For screaming at you. I was – it's just..." He heaved a deep sigh. 

"I know, it's complicated. That's why you need some space. You have to figure this out with Dana, Juice."

"There's nothing to figure out. I want you, Fye." Coming closer to her, he grabbed her hand. "Fye, I want you."

She looked into his eyes. Its brownness gleamed because of the stormy emotions he was feeling. "But why, Juice? I saw you mourn for Dana, I saw you at her grave. I know you love her. I don't belong here; you two belong together."

"But I want you," he repeated stubbornly. "I don't care what Dana wants. I moved on."

"You haven't moved on at all. Your puffy eyes tell me you cried a few minutes ago. Why did you scream at her? I could her your yelling upstairs and you said really hurtful things to her. Why are you doing this to her?"

"She has a fucking kid with Kip!"

Fye sighed. All he was doing, was coming up with new excuses. She just didn't understand. Dana had been very reasonable, if she was honest she seemed to be a type that knew how to deal with Juice. 

"So what are you trying to say?" she asked. "The fact that she was with someone else during the four years she was held captive is the reason you want me to stay? Because you're mad at her? I saw what you were trying, Juice. You tried to hurt her by holding my hand the whole time. I don't want a relationship like that. You can't use me to hurt another girl, and especially not a girl who's already been through hell! I'm going to my sister for a few weeks and I hope that you two use that time to figure out how much you still love each other. I don't wanna be the third wheel and I  _certainly_ don't want you to order me around like I'm some damn slave!"

He hung his head. "I liked what we had, Fye," he said quietly. "I don't want to lose that. I can't help how I feel; my chest is just filled with rage the moment I see her. She wanted me to move on, I did and now she just walks into my life again and pretends nothing has changed! Being together with her would only hurt me. It would be a constant memory of all those awful years. I need  _you_ Fye." He looked up to her and laid a hand against her cheek. "I need you. You're not connected to all that misery."

For a while she looked at him. It was hard to tell if he was completely honest with her, but his words didn't leave her untouched. His glance slid away as if he felt uncomfortable and again he rubbed the tattoo on his hand with his thumb, as if it was a stain he tried to wipe away. "If you really need me, you will have to allow my help. You will have to talk to me. For example, you have to tell me the meaning of that tattoo."

 _And there we go again._ He clenched his fists, the muscles in his arms tensing. She was already preparing for the umpteenth  _I don't wanna talk about it_ -snark, but to her surprise he sat down on the bed and pulled her next to him. "Okay," he said softly. "You're right." Bending his head, he stared at the ink. "The first days after Dana disappeared... all I did was drink and popping pills. I was just sitting in the middle of my room, Kozik was the only one who stopped by now and then. One day he pulled me out of it and told me to man up. Said Dana was countin' on me." He sighed. "Dana loved archery, and soon after our engagement she gave me a ring consisting of an arrow."

She had seen that one, only by now she realized he had taken it off. 

"She said it symbolized protection. That we would protect each other as husband and wife. For me, the arrow also symbolized a compass; to have a goal... It was a reminder that I could never give up the search, that I could never wither away in self-pity again."

Fye squeezed his hand. "So why are you giving her up now? At the last moment?"

"Because I will never get her back. Not truly. Every day I will be reminded of the pain that scars us, of the things we lost. Among which our daughter. I don't want to try to fix something that is so broken. I've started over with you, Fye. I want to move on with you." He looked up to her. "Could you – could you please stay with me?"

It was a long time ago she had seen this soft, emotional and needy side of him and she became all wet inside. She could no longer resist, even though she knew deep inside that Juice might change his mind once he had gotten used to the idea that Dana was back. Giving him up already however felt too soon. Telling him about the baby too. His outburst had startled her and since she had heard rumors about his violent nature in the past, she first wanted to see more of his mood swings to decide if their baby would be safe around him at all. 

* * *

A few days passed by. Things were quiet. They were putting up decorations in the clubhouse; tonight there was a party because of Happy and Tig's release. Juice and Fye were both inflating balloons when Dana entered the room. It was no surprise; she had already seen Casper strolling around the clubhouse, helping his father by handing him things. Dana smiled at her when their eyes met, but she didn't walk over to them. For Juice it was enough to be distracted; the way he was breathing already told her how stressed he felt and soothingly she rubbed his back. 

In silence they continued their activities. When they went outside to drink a beer an hour later, Dana walked up to them. Her demeanor told Fye that she found it hard, but she pulled through nevertheless. 

"Hey." She sat down on the bench attached to the picknick table while Fay and Juice were sitting on the table top. Her eyes fluttered from Juice to Fye and back. Fye could feel her nervousness. "I wondered uh – do you want to go to Tabitha's grave with me?"

Next to her, Fye felt her boyfriend freeze. She laid her hand on his knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze. She thought it would be good for them to do that together. He could keep ignoring her rudely, but they shared a pain nobody else truly understood. 

"Or could you at least show me where it is?" Dana tried cautiously. 

She bit her lip when Juice refused to look at her and kept staring persistently at the ground. 

"Why don't you ask Kozik? He knows where the grave is too," he said eventually. After these words he got up and walked away. 

Fye's heart broke when Dana wrapped her arms around herself, looking lost. She understood why the girl didn't want to go there on her own and Juice's response had been very heartless. 

Getting up, she turned towards Dana a little awkwardly. "Umm... I can go with you if you like?" 

She blushed when Dana looked at her. Was it a stupid suggestion? Did it sound mean, since she was with Juice now? 

To her relief, Dana's lips bent into a small smile. "Yeah, I would like that. Thanks." She took Fye's hand and squeezed. "And thank you for being such a great support to Juice. I know it's not always easy."

"I'm doing the best I can." A bit shyly Fye smiled back. Dana was so sincere and gentle for someone who had been abused for years... She never met such a strong woman before. She squeezed her hand too, sensing that Dana could use a friend. 

And she could use one too. 

Now and then it would be a relief to talk with someone who understood Juice better than she did. Even when it was his ex girlfriend. 

 


	83. Dana & Juice

"Here it is."

Fye stood still between two graves, laying a hand on her shoulder. Dana stared at the small grave. She was buried here. Her little girl. 

Tears filled her eyes, troubling the sight at the flowers on the ground. Quietly she started to sob. Fye turned towards her and wrapped her arms around her. 

Dana couldn't remember the last time she'd cried, it had to be months ago. Even before she had married Ruben. She didn't try to fight the tears, she knew the pain needed to leave her body. It wasn't because of the death of her little girl alone. It was also because she longed so deeply for Juice's arms that it hurt. Oh, she would sacrifice the world to be held by him right now, to be surrounded by his scent. Even when he didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore, she didn't understand why he couldn't support her as a friend. Of course – it was really sweet that Fye had wanted to accompany her, but it also felt like Juice wanted her to suffer even more. 

"I never expected him... to let me do this on my own," she sobbed. 

Fye cradled her in her arms, stroking her hair, making soothing sounds until it calmed her down a bit. 

"Maybe it was too soon for him," Fye said quietly when she let go of Dana again. "He still loves you Dana. The other day he told me that he's afraid of the pain you will call up inside him – pain it took him so long to deal with." She sighed. "I met him when he was mourning you. Every week he was sitting here, leaning against your headstone. High or drunk, or simply numb without needing a sedative. I think he's afraid to be reminded to that period of his life. He really thought he was weak."

"He's weak now." Dana couldn't help but sound bitter. "He isn't the only one who has to face his pain."

"I don't know you that well, but I think you became stronger because of this tragedy. And he... he's just broken."

"You think I'm not broken?!" Dana yelled. She breathed in shakily, trying to regain control over her breathing. Fye didn't deserve her anger, all she did was trying to help her. "I'm broken too," she said in a soft voice. "I need him."

Tears glided down her cheeks again. A little ashamed she turned away from Fye, realizing she was talking about her boyfriend now. 

"Not necessarily as a boyfriend," she added. "But as a friend. I've lost so many people Fye." Her lips were trembling. "Opie was my first friend around here and I had to shoot him in the head. Cherry betrayed me and is MIA since. Kip doesn't remember me. Koz and Juice are the only ones I still have and... and I'm losing the last one too. He – he took them all away from me." Again her shoulders started to shake and she dropped down on the ground. "He really took them all away from me. Even now he's dead he's still taking people away from me."

Fye knelt behind her and rubbed her upper arms. "Juice will come around and you can built a new friendship with Kip. And with me, if you like. And tonight your brother is coming home, right? Recovery is hard, you have to take little steps. The both of you."

Sniveling, Dana breathed in. She stared at the white pebbles between her feet and heaved a deep sigh. Her eyes wandered to the small grave and then she broke again. She just couldn't stop, it felt like a dam was broken. 

In the end, her pain even chased Fye away. 

* * *

Annoyed, Juice looked at the screen. He was pissed because he had seen Fye leave with Dana. He wanted to ignore her, but when she kept trying he took the call. "What?"

"Baby can you just come, please? She – she really needs you. I don't know what to do anymore Juice, she's a mess." She sounded stressed. 

Sighing he rubbed his face while images of Dana's crying face were invading his mind. But he couldn't give in – he had to be strong. 

His eyes met Kozik's, who sat a few meters away from him. 

"I'll send Koz."

"No J–"

He ended the call and walked to his brother. "Dana is at Tabitha's grave with Fye. She uh – she called me to tell me she needed you."

Skeptically, Kozik raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure Fye told you Dana needs  _you._ "

Juice shrugged his shoulders and stared at the floor. "She's wrong."

"For fuck's sake Juice, grow up! How long are you going to stay mad at her because she made you think she was dead?"

"That's not it," he muttered. Hesitating he looked up. "I just – you know how much I've changed. I'm a monster. You really want her to replace one monster by the next?"

"Juice, we're talking about the girl you love who's weeping at the grave of your daughter right now. There's nothing monstrous about comforting her. You don't have to marry her right away, you don't even have to kiss her. Just hold her. Be there for her. I get it if you can't be friends with her but that's something you have to figure out later. Right now she just needs the father of her deceased child. And no one else." Kozik waited until he looked up. "You made that child both, Juice. You love her both, even when you never saw her. You can't just send someone else to help her go through this. Whatever is going on in that chaotic brain of yours: you can't let her suffer. Not if your fear to hurt her again is the only reason. Believe me – there's no way you'll ever hurt her more than you're doing right now by not being there for her."

Juice took a deep breathe. Of course he was right. But he was just too chicken, he was too afraid he couldn't control himself. Nevertheless his weak defense caused him an aching stomach and he nodded to Kozik. 

A few minutes later he got off his bike at the parking lot of the graveyard. Across the gravel path he walked to the two graves where he had spent so many hours. The tears started to roll the moment he saw her sitting in front of the smallest grave, her arms wrapped around her knees, her face buried against them. Fye looked at him in relief and he briefly nodded at her. 

Quietly sobbing he went down on his knees behind her and wrapped his arms around her. Pain flashed through his whole body as he heard, felt and saw her pain. 

"I'm sorry baby," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He pressed a kiss into her hair and rocked her in his arms. She leaned into him, her hands clutching around his upper arms as if she was afraid he would leave any moment. 

He didn't say anything to her, he just kept holding her close until the tears stopped – and even there after. After a while he heard Fye leave, but he didn't move. He just held her, his breathing stuck in his throat, ignoring his stiff back. 

Dana didn't say a single word, neither did she look over her shoulder. She kept staring forward at the small grave and Juice knew there was only one thing he could do right now. The only thing he wanted to do. 

Hold her in his arms. 


	84. Dana

Dana barely dared to move, afraid he would pull away his arms. She had felt so lost that she feared that she had just imagined him here, no longer able to bear the loneliness. His arms around her felt so familiar, so good, and even though his sniffing breathing because of his sobbing crushed her heart, it also gave her a strange feeling of resignation and she drew strength from it. 

Dana was sure they were sitting here for at least an hour, without saying anything, as if they both feared the return of his anger the moment he let go of her. In the end she caressed his arm and looked over her shoulder. "We should go back."

She wanted to be there when Happy and Tig would be released from prison. 

Juice nodded quietly and pulled away his arms before standing up. Her knees snapped when she got up. The small grave had completely consumed her; only now she noticed the grave next to it. Her own grave. 

She stared at it, imagined how Juice was leaning against that headstone, crying, drunk, high. Again her eyes were itching and she wiped them quickly. Soon the grave would be removed, then the memory of the memory would disappear. Tearing away her glance from the stone, she looked at Juice.

He was also staring at the grave. 

"Fye told me you met here," she said quietly. 

His glance slid downward, aiming at the ground. Dana wanted to lay a hand against his cheek to make him look up, but she wasn't sure he would appreciate her touch right now. 

"She's a very special, sweet girl. I see why you don't want to give her up."

Without looking at her he shrugged his shoulders. Although she just wanted him to be happy, whoever would be the cause, her body glowed because of the hope she was feeling now. 

"Juice..." Despite her former hesitation, she lifted his head by cupping his cheek. Tears were shining in his eyes and the moment she saw them, he turned his head away. 

"What?" he snapped. 

Her shoulders slumped down. She wasn't sure what she had wanted to tell him. "I just – I just want you to know that I'm okay with you and her. You – You don't have to feel guilty."

He kept staring stubbornly to the side, but his breathing told her he was fighting the tears. That sweet guy... he was so broken, so confused, so conflicted within. Carefully she wrapped her arms around him. For a moment he froze, then he hugged her so tightly she got the feeling he was afraid it was the last time he could hold her. 

"I love you," he whispered. She felt teardrops splashing on her neck and shivered. "I really love you. But I... I can't be with you anymore. I just can't. So much has happened and I started over with Fye and I – I was better. I'm a mess again, you open up so many scars. Things I feel ashamed of, things that crushed me. And she – she has nothing to do with all that pain." He pushed his face against his shoulder. "But I'm neither sure I can live  _without_ you Dane."

"You don't have to," she soothed, rubbing his back while pressing a kiss to the ink on his head. "At least we can try to stay friends, right?"

"I – I'm not sure I can do that."

"You don't have to decide that now, my love. We'll find out when the time is right." She pulled away from him a little, laying her hand against his cheek and looked at him. "We will find a way to deal with this."

Shakily, he breathed in, leaning with his forehead against hers. Dana closed her eyes and listened to their breathing. Hearing how his slowed down, gave her peace too. 

"I'm glad you changed your mind. You were a great support."

He looked up to her. Seeing the conflict in his eyes squeezed her heart. As well as she'd known him; it was hard to imagine what fight was taking place in his head right now. 

"Sorry for being such an ass the first time you asked," he muttered. "Keepin' my distance from you helped to control the chaos in my mind. Even – even when it hurt you."

"You're still not takin' your meds?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Even when you were dead, the thought he could still poison me made me panic. But now Maddox is dead – well maybe I can try again."

When he tried to look away, she caught his glance nevertheless. "I think that's wise. I'm proud of you, Juice. How you fought through the past years. You're stronger than you think."

"I'm the weakest of us. Everyone knows that."

His voice sounded embittered and he turned away from her. 

Dana bit the inside of her cheek. Maybe she shouldn't have told him that. "Juice, you..."

"Just leave it, okay? I know what I am."

She picked up speed until she was walking next to him. "You're..."

"I said leave it!!" he snapped. "Whatever you say; it's only meant to make me feel better! I don't need your pity. I almost drowned in everyone's pity the past years!"

He rushed to his bike, sat down on it and fastened his helmet. Dana was sure he was about to leave her here, but if he didn't want pity she wasn't going to give it to him. Instead of giving him room, she sat down behind him and laid her hands loosely on his hips. 

Annoyed, he looked over his shoulder. "I don't have another helmet."

"That's okay. I trust you."

"Just ask Kip or Kozik to pick you up."

"And then what? What do you want me to say? That you lost your temper once again and left me at the graveyard? I thought you didn't want their pity? Then you have to man up and stop snap at everyone when things aren't the way you like them."

His jaws tensed, but in the end he agreed in silence and gave her his helmet. As he turned back again, she smiled slightly at his back. 

They could do this. They would find a way to deal with each other. 

* * *

Without getting into another fight, Juice took her to the clubhouse. He stalled so long with locking his bike while he had to leave soon again that she understood the hint; he wanted to be alone. Dana headed to the clubhouse. The men had already gathered; everyone was ready to go to San Quentin. 

"Mommy!" The moment she entered the building, Casper ran towards her. With a smile she scooped him up. "Look mommy I helped hanging up that one and that one and that one!" He pointed around to various decorations. "I was a good help, right Daddy?"

"You were the best." Kip raked his hand through Casper's blonde hair before he looked at her. The look in his eyes was concerned. "I heard you went to Tabitha... You okay? I could have come with you..."

"Fye went with me." She sighed softly. "And Juice came later. It was good, being there together, although things between us are still strained. But I'm sure we'll figure it out." She kissed Casper's cheek. "We're going to pick up your uncle! Don't you think that's awesome, huh?"

"Yes!" he cheered. "And this one is my  _real_ uncle right mommy?"

"Yeah, your real uncle. Although your fake ones are cool too, right?"

He nodded enthusiastically. 

Her eyes met Kip's. The look in them was so warm it made her a little shy. The past days she had avoided thoughts about her feelings for him – the ones for Juice were heavy enough, but something inside her was about to kiss him goodbye before she would head to the van. Maybe it was because he was holding Casper, making it look like they were a normal family for just a second. However, it didn't take long before she felt Juice's presence and she increased the distance between Kip and her. Even if she would want to show Kip some affection, she wouldn't do that right under Juice's nose. 

Instead of the kiss, she just smiled at Kip, then she turned around and walked over to the van in which Tig and Happy's bikes would be transported. 

All her doubts about Juice and Kip she shoved to the side, this wasn't the right time to analyze her feelings and needs. After almost five years she would finally be able to hold her brother in her arms again!

 


	85. Happy

It wasn't like Happy had never hugged someone. More than once he'd greeted his brothers with a hug. However, apart from Tig he hadn't been allowed to touch any of them in five years and the only moment his cell mate had hugged him, was when they received the news that Dana was back, a couple of days ago, and that they were trying to get them out. 

Back then, there had been nothing but an intense joy flowing through his veins – a feeling that had been gone for a very, very long time. He was so unfamiliar with the feeling that he wasn't even sure this was really happening. In any case, that feeling was in a sharp contrast with the hesitation he felt now his father had wrapped his arms around him. 

More than twenty-five years he had banished his father from his life, but the past five years he had been forced to deal with him. To talk to him, to bare his presence around him. And he wasn't the worst company someone could wish for – but it called up so many mixed feelings that walking away was the only thing he wanted to do right now. 

Finally, his father let go of him. "I hope you'll visit me one day, boy. Together with your sister." With tears in his eyes he looked at Happy. "I would give up the world to see her again. Last time I saw her she was still wearing braids."

"I wouldn't count on it," Happy grumbled. There was no doubt that the past years had changed his little sister and he couldn't think of a way how their father could have a positive influence on her. 

His father just nodded. 

Happy turned away from him and walked over to Tig, where after they were taken by two guards. 

* * *

Ten minutes later he was outside. Although he'd been in jail before, it had never been this long and he'd never had such a hard time being inside. The moment his eye caught his brothers, a wide grin appeared on his face. Together with Tig he walked towards them. 

Of course Dana was the first one he took in his arms. Tears were stinging in his eyes when he pulled her close. There were countless things he wanted to say to her, but the huge lump in his throat just blocked all his words. For a while he was just holding her, convincing himself that it was really her. That she was really alive, that she had really returned.

"I knew it," he whispered eventually. He was startled by his broken voice, although he didn't care that much about it. "I knew you would kill the bastard." He laid a hand against her cheek and kissed her forehead. "I'm proud of you kid."

She smiled, wiping a few tears from her cheeks. 

The sight of her smile filled his eyes with tears. He had been terrified that she would never be able to smile again after everything she'd been through, but she was so unbelievably strong. 

"I want to introduce you to someone, Hap." She looked over her shoulder and gestured someone to come closer. 

Half Sack stepped away from the crowd, carrying a little kid on his hip. Dana took the boy from him and put him on her side. 

"This uncle Hap, Casper." Dana kissed the boy's temple before she aimed her sparkling eyes at her brother. 

"What?" he asked confused. "You – you got a kid? They told me... they told me your kid was dead."

The moment she dropped her eyes, he realized his mistake. 

She  _had_ lost a child. 

"Yes, Tabitha died."

"Is it  _his_?" With a mixture of incomprehension and disgust he looked at the blonde kid. He obviously couldn't hurt an innocent kid, but the knowledge that the kid was the spawn of the devil himself, made him want to snap the kid's neck. 

"No. Uh – it's mine and Kip's."

Dazed, Happy blinked his eyes. " _What?!_ "

Kip raised his hand and stroked Dana's back, who sighed softly. "It's complicated, not something I want to discuss here okay?"

"Yeah... sure." Still overwhelmed he looked around to find Juice. The man wasn't that far away from them and his scorching gaze was aimed at the seemingly new couple. Yeah, he understood his anger. 

Happy shook off his dismay. Dana was right – she had to tell him later what the hell had happened between them. The important thing was that it wasn't Maddox kid, making him look at his nephew in a whole different way. Awkwardly he cleared his throat. "Uh, hey."

It wasn't like he was horrible with kids. To a particular age they weren't scared of him and he had fooled around with Jax and Opie's kids countless times. Having a nephew  _himself_ however was different; he couldn't simply walk away when he made him cry.

Casper probably felt his hesitation, for he turned his head away shyly and pressed his face against Dana's chest. She whispered something he couldn't hear and kissed his blonde hair. 

Happy stared at them, feeling sedated. His little sister was a mom now... it was all over his head. It felt like there was a gap in his life, as if he had woken up from a coma after five years and discovered how much the world had changed. 

Dana caressed his face and kissed his cheek, woke him up again. "C'mon, let's go home. Go say hi to the others."

Happy nodded. He walked past her to hug his brothers, but the joy he had expected didn't show up. There was a nasty feeling in his stomach. Now he had seen Dana again, it was really hard to accept that she had gone through the most horrible things while he hadn't been able to do anything about it. It had been up to her alone to solve the problem. And sure, she had done it and he was fucking proud of her, but still... still something was gnawing his guts. 

* * *

It was amazing to be on his bike again. When the clubhouse came into view, the familiar feeling had completely returned. Entering the clubhouse, he thought of Gemma who usually would have received him with open arms. But she was gone. Just like Chibs. Although they had been killed years ago, it had never truly landed. And now it did.

He got himself a beer at the bar. The moment the drink he had missed so much glided down his throat, he glowed from top to toe. He was home. Dana was home. All that shit... it was finally over. 

In devotion Happy feasted on his beer. When Dana put her son in bed in Kip's club room, he watched the two from the doorway. A smile adorned his face as he saw her treating the kid so tenderly. 

"I'll wake him up when we leave. Or Kip will. But until then I like having him close." Dana closed the door. 

"So... what about you and Kip?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"It happened when we were both prisoners, although he can't remember. So we're not together or something."

Happy sighed. Discovering that the guy had lost his memory must have been a slap in the face. 

"He seems to deal well with it," he realized. 

Dana nodded. "Yeah.  _He_ does."

"Juice doesn't?" he guessed. 

She shrugged her shoulders. "Things are a bit tense between us." Nevertheless she showed him an optimistic smile. "We'll be all right. This isn't the right time to tell you the story of my life Hap. Tonight I only want to laugh, okay?" She grabbed his hand. "And today you're gonna dance with me for the first time in my life!"

It was impossible to say 'no' to someone who had gone through hell for years, so he let her drag him to an area where more people were dancing. A grin appeared on his face when she laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her joy moved him and as long as she kept smiling he spun her around and danced with her until she giggled that she was feeling dizzy. 

Observant as he was, Happy noticed that Juice couldn't keep his eyes off her. He was sitting a few steps away from them at the bar, a glass of beer in his hand. The expression on his face was one of nostalgia and sadness. Happy realized that he was probably thinking about all the times he had hold Dana in his arms himself and discreetly he moved her into Juice's direction. 

"Hey, why don't you take over for a minute?" he asked Juice. "I've missed the booze too much to keep away from it for more than half an hour." He showed Dana a grin and to her surprise he saw that she was blushing. 

Juice looked briefly at them. "I'm not in the mood to dance," he muttered and he turned his back to them. 

Dana's nervous smile disappeared and she cast her glance at the floor. Happy wondered how the hell Juice could even  _consider_ to turn her down. Angrily, he clenched his fist. 

Dana's fingers glided around his wrist, she shook her head and looked at him with a pleading look in her eyes. 

But Happy couldn't ignore it. She had suffered such a long time without him being able to do something about it and he simply couldn't do nothing again. Laying a heavy hand on Juice's shoulder, he squeezed. "We gotta talk."

Juice looked over his shoulder. Before Happy went inside, he would have worried about standing up not quick enough. All he did now, was raising his eyebrows. "Do we?"

"Yeah," he growled. "Outside. Now."

Juice clenched his jaw. Then he heaved a sigh and slid off his bar stool, sending Happy a dark glance before he headed to the entrance. 

 


	86. Juice & Happy

Back in the day the thought that Happy wanted to speak to him in private would have made him nervous. This time, he didn't care at all. What was the worst thing that could happen? He could break a few bones. Well – he would survive. And even if he didn't, he didn't care that much.

The reason he was walking outside now, wasn't because he was afraid of what Happy was going to do otherwise, but because he hoped to convince his brother that Dana and he couldn't be together anymore.

"You hurt her," Happy snapped the moment they were alone.

"Yeah." He lit a cigarette. "I have a girl, you know."

"As if you love her," Happy scoffed.

His words touched a nerve. He did love Fye. Just not as much as he loved Dana, but she was like an obsession to him. Whatever he felt for Fye was much healthier and didn't call up his anxiety. "It's none of your business."

"Anyone who's hurtin' my lil sister is my fuckin' business," Happy answered in a dangerously low voice.

Juice suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Well, he hadn't done much about Maddox either and they both knew it. "Dana's a big girl. She's been through shit that's much worse than me not wantin' to dance with her."

"What the hell is your problem man? You've been cryin' like a baby for years because you wanted her back, and now she's back you're pretendin' to be a fuckin' asshole? You mad at her for fakin' her dead? It's your own stupid fault you didn't figure it out sooner."

Juice froze, his nonchalance fading immediately. "W-what? You knew she was still alive?"

"Of course I did. Everyone with a workin' brain woulda figured that out. Why the hell would Maddox ever kill her?"

Juice felt sick. All this time Happy had known that she was alive? Should he have seen it too, had he missed a sign? "You – you weren't there. You didn't see her, didn't touch her. It – it looked so real."

"Well not that real it stopped Kozik from opening the casket a couple a days later."

The look in Happy's eyes was inscrutable, radiating nothing but contempt. As if he despised Juice for not giving Dana enough credit. And he was right. A wave of self-recriminated rolled over him, complemented with much more rage because Kozik had known that she was still alive. Without ever telling him!

"I'm going to fuckin' kill him," Juice grumbled. "All this time he was talkin' shit about lettin' her go while he knew she was still alive?! What sick motherfucker does that?!" He clenched his fists and wanted to rush past Happy, but the man grabbed his arm and spun him back.

"I'm not done talkin'. This ain't about you and Kozik, it's about you and Dana."

"Dana and me are done," he answered agitated, trying to yank away his arm. Happy's hand however was clenched around his arm like a fucking vise.

"Why? You should worship her on your fuckin' knees cause she wants a brat like you. Is it because of _him_? She feels used now? You feel too good for an abused girl now you're wearin' that fucking SAA patch?"

"What?! – No!" With wide eyes he looked at his brother. "God – no! I'm not good enough _for her_ okay? I'm not the same guy you knew before you went in Hap. I'm a fucking asshole, and I don't want her to be with an asshole again. She can't trade one sociopath for the next! I love her." Tears jumped into his eyes and he took a deep breathe. "I love her so fucking much and _that's_ why I want her to end up with someone who deserves her! I beat up my ex, Hap, I fucking strangled her. I put a bullet in Cherry's head. Her best friend. She can never find out what happened to her friend and especially not the club's role, _my role,_ in it!" He took a few deep breaths. "I want her to find someone who can make her happy, for I can't! I'm fucked up. But I can't just tell her this, she will never accept it, she will believe she can heal me and I'm just too afraid to hurt her. I don't want anyone to hurt her ever again – and I don't trust myself around her. Not after everything that has happened, after all the horrible things I've done. And yeah, I know I'm hurtin' her now too. And it's fuckin' hard okay?! But this is the only way... It's the only way to convince her to move on. Once she sees the asshole I've become, she will stop lovin' me."

Juice dropped all his masks and looked at Happy with pleading eyes. He _had_ to understand, he _had_ to tell him that what he was doing was making sense – otherwise he wouldn't know what to do with himself anymore.

"You think – you think it won't work?" He took a deep breathe. "I just want her to be happy. Not with someone who's keepin' a horrible secret from her, who killed her best friend. I – I can't make her happy. Not anymore. I lost myself." Swallowing, he squared his shoulders. He didn't want to cry again, he wanted to support his decision. "And I don't think I'll ever become the way I was. I'll never be the man she loves."

* * *

Happy saw the conflict in the eyes of his young brother. The fact that he was so obsessed about Dana's happiness, despite his own happiness that he was sacrificing, didn't leave him completely cold. But whether it would work? Fuck – how the hell would he know? The last time he had a girlfriend himself was more than twenty years ago. He had experience with a lot of things, but he knew shit about relationships.

If Juice was so convinced he couldn't make Dana happy, then who the hell was he to push for it? He wanted Dana to be happy too. He didn't give a shit with whom she'd end up. And if he was honest, he had to admit that Juice had a point. He would never trust Juice with a secret, the guy was way too unstable. Once he was with Dana, he wouldn't been able to hide from her what had happened to Cherry and he couldn't imagine Dana would deal with that in a way he liked. She had already lost so many people... knowing that _the club_ had killed her friend would destroy her. There was a big chance she didn't want to have anything to do with the club anymore, not even with him. And he wanted to keep her close. Maddox might be dead, but Dana clearly had a thing for guys on the wrong side of the law. Who knows with who she would end up in bed next time...

"Fine," he said eventually. "Then be an ass, if you really think that helps her." He grabbed Juice's collar and pulled him close. With an intense look in his eyes he stared down at the kid. "But you keep it to bitchy remarks. If you break her, I'ma break your fuckin' neck."

Juice didn't look away, there was even a mocking glance glimmering in his eyes. "As if you would really kill me," he snorted. "You would destroy her completely."

Well – apparently Juice had finally grown some balls. Any other time he might have been proud, but all he could think now was that he had to shut his fucking mouth. He pulled the guy closer, punching him in the face. "Then I rip off your balls and stuff them in your big mouth," he grumbled.

Juice recovered from the hit and stared at him with a venomous look in his eyes. Something dark was stirring in his eyes, and suddenly Happy understood why he wanted to keep his distance from Dana.

"Fair enough," Juice said to his surprise. Spitting out a glob of blood, he clenched his fists.

"Yeah? Fair enough?" He motioned at his clenched hands.

"These ain't for you," he grumbled. "But for that motherfucker who kept me weeping over an empty grave for two fuckin' years."

Wildly, he spun around and rushed towards the clubhouse.

Happy lifted the corner of his mouth. _Well, this can be fun._


	87. Juice

Juice stormed inside. Within a few seconds he had found the blonde biker, who was sitting at the bar talking to his old lady. He rushed straight to the couple, grabbed Kozik by the collar and pulled him down. Even before the man hit the ground, Juice dragged him on his feet, clenched his fist and hit his jaw, followed by a kick in the stomach and knee. Through gritted teeth he sucked in his breathe angrily, feeling the vein on his temple throb. 

"Hey hey hey!" Jax grabbed his arm, but Juice tore himself away. 

"He knew it!" he snapped at his VP. "He fucking knew she was alive and he never said anything!"

Jax lowered his arm and stared bewildered at Kozik. "Is that true?"

Kozik wiped his bleeding chin, getting up groaning. "It was..."

"It was my decision," Happy cut him off. 

"You should have discussed that with me!" Clay grumbled. "It wasn't your call to –"

"Dana isn't a member. She's  _my_ sister and I'm responsible for her. It was a family matter, not a club matter."

"But she was  _my_ old lady!" Juice yelled. "And you –  _you_..." All his muscles tensed when he looked Kozik in the eye again. "You watched me waste away. You saw my pain every fucking day and you didn't say anything, not a word! How could you...  _How could you!_ "

When the tears started to suffocate him, he launched himself at Kozik again. Everything was better than tears. He wanted to feel rage, he wanted to see blood, taste blood – as long as he wasn't tasting the salt of his tears. In blind rage he beat and kicked the guy, every blow he was getting in return fueling the darkness inside him. 

Kozik deserved this. 

He made him think Dana was dead; passively he had watched him struggle through the worst imaginable hell. He deserved all the pain Juice could cause him. Hands were pulling at his shoulders and when he wanted to turn around furiously, Kozik hit him so hard on his temple that the world was spinning around, making him drop on his knees. 

"Stop it," Jax's voice sounded. "This ain't our way to solve things."

"Solve things??" Juice roared, jumping up again. "How can this ever be solved?! He's a rat, we can't trust him anymore! He deserves a fucking bullet!" Furiously, he spit at Kozik's feet. There was even blood on his shoes. 

"We will discuss this at the table," Jax answered calmly. "It's not your call."

Juice answer consisted of a deep grunt. With smoldering eyes he stared at the traitor who was leaning against the wall. Amy was standing next to him, a towel in her hand, but he pushed her away. 

"I did what was best for you Juice. You needed closure."

"It wasn't your call!" he yelled. "It wasn't your fuckin' call!!"

He was breathing like a mad dog, dark spots were clouding his vision. His legs felt weak and he hated his weakness, hated his fucked up mind, hated himself. 

"Juice..." Right through the fog of his rage he could see two blue eyes. Fingers were stroking his face. "Concentrate on your breathing baby. Breathe in, breathe out. Yes, you're doing fine baby."

Juice kept staring at her, he felt her breathing on his lips and followed her pace. Her scent was intoxicating, her voice the only thing he still heard. Her lips... her lips were the only thing he could think about. Roughly, he grabbed her face and pressed his mouth against hers. The sweetness of her last drink was still on her lips and he tasted it with his tongue. Her lips were moving, she was trying to say something. To make her stop, his hand glided to the back of her head and he kept her lips pressed to his. 

Why didn't she kiss him back? Why the hell didn't she kiss him back?!

Frustrated he pulled back his face – and only then he realized it was Dana. 

Of course it was Dana – who else? – but he had just forgotten about his intentions for a while. 

Her eyes were wide and full of worry. "You feel a little better? Come, let's find a place outside where your anger can subside a bit."

"No!" he snapped. "Fuck off! I'm not some kind of broken vase you can put back together! You can't heal me! You don't have some magical powers to make everything better!" Again his breathing sped up. 

"Calm down Juice... You really need to calm down. Come, let's go outside, away from everyone."

Her voice sounded so calm – yeah, he wanted to go outside with her, he wanted to lie down in the grass with her, his head on her chest and... NO! NO! She had to leave him alone!

"I don't need to get away from everyone, I need to get away from  _you_! You're the one messin' with my head, with all your sick lies! None of this would have happened without you! You're just a fucking whore who –"

His head snapped to the side when she slapped his cheek. His skin burnt. 

"Don't talk to me like that." Her voice sounded darker, reminding him of her brother. Her eyebrows formed a threatening frown, her jaw clenched. 

Fuck – he wanted to fuck her so badly. 

It felt like one primal rage was replaced by the other. Before he realized, his fingers were entangled in her hair as he pulled her close. "I want you." Because of the anger and the lust he was panting. "I want to fuck you so hard –"

"You're not yourself, Juice." Her tone was sad, causing the hairs on his arms to stood up. 

And there it was again, that damned pity. Again he was on the verge of cursing her, until two arms glided around him and held him tight. "Let's go home baby."

Softly, she pulled him backwards. This time Juice let himself being pulled away, away from Dana. 

There were tears in her eyes and the sight of it hurt so fucking much...

* * *

Fye helped him outside and led him to the picknick table. The moment he sat down and breathed in the fresh night air, he felt sick to the stomach. Bending over he threw up, at least three times. The anger had disappeared with it, leaving behind a horrible emptiness. Tears were stinging in his eyes and he started to sob. Fye pulled him close and stroked his head in a soothing way, in slow circles like Dana used to do. The thought of Dana made him tense, but when she kissed the ink on his head he felt a little more relaxed. Yeah – she comforted him in the same way Dana had done, but she wasn't Dana. Maybe he didn't need Dana. 

Suddenly he felt dead tired. He laid down on the bench, his head in her lap while she kept caressing his face. 

"I hate myself," he whispered. "I'm such a monster. You – you gotta go Fye. Before I hurt you. I don't – I don't wanna hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me," she answered softly. Her curls tickled his neck when she bent her head to kiss his scalp. "I love you, Juice. This is a hell of a fight, but together we will learn how to control your emotions. Okay sweetheart? You're not alone in this."

"I love you Fye." He pressed his face against her thigh. "Please never fake your death."

"Of course not baby. The time of drastic measures like that is over." She kissed his auricle. "There is no one who wants to take me away from you. You can let go of that fear."

The corners of his mouth were trembling. Tears slipped between his eyelashes. 

He didn't know if he could ever put that fear to the side. 

 


	88. Fye

 

Fye had wanted to leave the clubhouse a long time ago. She hadn't known which way to turn when Juice had rushed into the clubhouse. Leave, her instincts had yelled at her. She had seen him angry before, but this time... She had panicked until Dana had grabbed her hand. 

"You wanna help him or not?" she had asked. 

Her tone hadn't been judging, the look in her eyes had been sincere – she wanted to give her a choice. Fye knew she loved this man. He was suffering from a serious form of PTSD and his rages were one of the results. Did she want to give him up because of his sickness? 

No – she didn't. 

But she needed to think about the child growing inside her. Did she want it to grow up around such a violent man? Who couldn't control his emotions at all? No – she didn't want that. But giving him up so soon... that felt wrong. At least she wanted to  _try_ to help him. 

And so Dana had explained her what to do, telling her what she did in times she needed to calm him down. Every word, ever gesture Fye had taken in. The moment he was getting a panic attack Dana had encouraged her to go to him, but she had been too scared of his reaction. 

In the end, Dana had done it herself. 

Holding her breath Fye had watched her calming down Juice. Knowing the girl had such power over her boyfriend gave her a gnawing feeling. Quickly she had pushed her jealousy away. She had to consider Dana as her mentor, someone who could teach her how to deal with Juice. And once he started to scream at Dana, spitting out things that cut Fye's heart, she had carefully slipped her arms around him, leading him away from the woman. 

It had worked. She had managed to make him come to his senses again, thanks to Dana's advises and it gave her a little bit of confidence. Her hand ran across his mohawk again. "You wanna go home baby? You need some ice on your face."

"Yeah..." he sighed. Sitting up, he gave her a kiss. 

Fye caressed his cheek but didn't return the kiss. Not here, not now. 

Pulling the keys of her car out of her pocket, she turned towards the clubhouse one more time. She wasn't surprised to see Dana standing in the doorway, looking a little lost. The moment their eyes met the girl squared her shoulders, as if she wanted to hide her hurt feelings. Fye really wanted to go to her to hug her, but she already knew Juice would flip out again. All she did, was smiling gratefully to the girl before her hand slipped into Juice's, leading him to the car and knowing there were other people around who would comfort Dana tonight. 

The whole ride home Juice stared out of the window. Fye didn't know whether she should say something or wait until tomorrow. She understood his anger. The past months she had noticed that Juice was closer with Kozik than with his other brothers, despite their various arguments. Intentionally hiding that his fiance had been alive all along, must have felt like a sledgehammer crushing the pieces of his heart. She could see how it would feel like one big conspiracy of which everyone but he had known. 

The moment they were inside, Fye thanked the girl that had looked after Mikey. In the kitchen she wrapped a towel around a frozen piece of meat and gave it to Juice. To give him some space, or to give herself some space, she cleaned up the kitchen. 

It didn't take long before he stood behind her and slipped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to her shoulder while holding her tight. 

"I'm so sorry you had to see me like that."

"I understand your anger." With his thumb she stroked the fingers that were laced on her stomach.  

His lips glided down her neck as he moved his hands to her breasts, his fingers feeling rough when they slid into her cups and started to knead her. Feeling him so close to her messed with her brain, but she couldn't surrender herself to him. There was still a pit in her stomach. When his kisses became more compelling and he bent her over the kitchen table she barely moved, her thoughts stuck in a fight. On the one hand she wanted to feel him inside her, she wanted him to convince her that he loved her just as much as she loved him. At the same time she knew sex was no measure for him. 

"Juice... stop," she said when his fingers curled around her panties. She pushed herself away from the table and pulled the hem of her dress down. 

With confused eyes he stared at her. 

"I think it's better if we avoid such intimacy for a while."

"But why? I love you..."

Wronged, Fye crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You really need to ask me why? Barely an hour ago you tried to kiss someone else  _two times._ Right under my nose you told someone else you wanted to fuck her."

In shame, Juice bent his head and stared at the ground.

"Look, I get it's hard for you to deal with Dana, but hearing and seeing things like that hurt. I don't wanna be some backup in case Dana doesn't want you."

"I'm the one who doesn't want  _her,_ it's not the other way around!" he snapped. 

"I think you're fooling yourself if you really believe that.' Sighing, she took his hand. "Listen baby. I want to help you. I want us to have a normal, healthy relationship. But as long as you're in love with her, I think it's better if we don't sleep together. It's less extreme than going to my sister, but I need that space. And you need it too."

He shook his head. "No I love you Fye. I love you, not her."

He looked at her with pleading eyes, as if was desperately trying to convince himself of those words. He really wanted to fight for her. But why? 

"You do love her. Trying to fight against those feelings will only increase the chaos in your head." She led him to the couch, still holding hands as they sat down. "What's the real reason, Juice? I'm trying to help you, I try to understand you but you have to be honest with me. I know how deep your feelings for her run. I see it, every time she's around, every time someone mentions her name. What is the real reason you act like a jerk towards her?"

His shoulders slumped down and he stared at the floor. "I don't deserve her," he whispered. "I'm insane, Fye. You saw it yourself. I don't... I don't want her to be with a monster again."

"Oh baby... you're not a monster." She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. "You're just badly damaged."

"And that turned me into a monster," he muttered. "You have no idea what horrible things I've done."

She kissed his head. "Then tell me."

He looked up, his eyes full of doubts. There it was again, that sweet and insecure side, the one she loved so much. "You would hate me. But maybe you should. I know I neither deserve you."

She cupped his jaw with her hand. "Tell it to me baby. Tell me everything. If you keep secrets from me, we're not going to make it together. You have to come clean with me. I need – I need to know the real Juice. The one you're trying to hide so desperately."

Not only for herself, especially for her child. 

She needed to know all his dark secrets before she could decide whether she wanted him in their son or daughter's life.

 


	89. Kip

Kip saw her standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped around herself. Although she was trying to show a brave face, he sensed that she was close to falling apart. His eyes shot to Happy, but he didn't look like the comforting type of man, and Kozik was busy trying to calm down his old lady who wasn't used to violence like this. 

Should he go to her?

He couldn't think of a good reason  _not_ to go to her. After all, she was the mother of his son and they had been close friends before Maddox had fucked with his brain. Shaking off the awkwardness he walked to the door. In silence he enveloped his arms around her, pulling her close. Her whole body was shaking when she leaned into him. 

"Oh sweetheart..." he whispered, feeling defeated because of her sadness. At loss of words he pressed a kiss into her hair, softly rocking her in his arms. Her arms glided around his waist too; her grasp felt desperate, like he was a life preserver she was clinging to. 

Knowing nobody wanted to be in the center of things when crying, he led her towards the bedrooms. Since Casper was sleeping in his bed, he took her to the far corner of the building, to the fire stairs leading to the roof. Nobody ever came there; Jax had shown him the place a while ago, when the noise of the clubhouse had been too much for him right after his return.

Once they were on the roof, he sat down on the ground and pulled her between his legs. Protectively he wrapped his arms around her, as if Juice could show up any moment to curse her again. Now they were away from the others, she started to sob quietly. Not knowing what to do about it, he just hold her tight, burying his face in her blonde locks. Guilt was gnawing at his heart because he enjoyed holding her a little too much; for the first time since a very long time he had the feeling he was doing something natural, something his old self would have done too. 

After a while she stopped crying and wiped her eyes. 

"If you need to get anything off your chest... then I'm here to listen to you Dane."

She turned a little more towards him to see his face, giving him a little smile. "Like the old times." She took a moment to study his face. "You've barely changed, Kip. The same warmth is radiating from you." She took his hand when he lowered his arms. "Our hearts could have grown cold too, just like Juice's. We've been through enough horrible things to be traumatized forever. But we had each other, we were never alone. But he... he had no one who truly understood his pain. And the only one who was able to offer him a bit of comfort, was even  _working_ for Maddox." Her eyes were glassy, the tears lying in wait. "When I came to the clubhouse, that first time I escaped, I knew Maddox would kill a new love. All that time I was terrified that he would murder Juice. And now – now I wonder if this is the reason he kept Juice alive. Because this – this is worse than death. I mean – if he never finds back his old self. He's so hurt, so twisted up inside." Tears started to slip down her cheeks again. "I feel so selfish. I should have kept him at bay, I never should have come here in the first place, then..."

Kip cupped her jaw with his hand. "You can't stop love, Dana. Just like every other human being you need it – it's what makes us human. The guys told me that Happy knew from the start what type of man Maddox was and it has been our own call to protect you." Softly, he caressed her skin with his thumb. As small as the touch was; he could feel tinglings spread through his whole body. "I don't care what I've gone through. I just feel it was worth the suffering now you're back – and despite all the horrible things, Maddox gave us something beautiful too; Casper."

Leaning into his palm with her cheek she closed her eyes, as if she needed to think about these words. When she opened them again, she searched for his eyes. 

Suddenly the longing rose to kiss her. Ashamed he bent his head, trying to ignore the dashing feeling in his stomach. Dana moved between his legs and a moment later he felt two fingers under his chin, lifting his face. The look in her blue eyes was different, as if the sadness had faded a bit. Her thumb stroked the hairs on his jaw.

He shivered when her thumb rested on his lip. Hesitating he pouted his lips a bit, giving her small kisses. Her other hand glided across his neck, pulling him a little closer. She took away her thumb from his mouth and replaced it by her lips. 

With the greatest difficulty he pulled back his face. He didn't dare to look at her. "We – we can't do this to Juice."

"All he can feel now, is hate. Whether we kiss or not." He felt the pressure of her forehead against his, her fingers wandering down the side of his face. "I love him and I want him to be happy. But he isn't the only one who has suffered, who needs comfort. Who needs love."

Her words made him loss for words. Somehow it felt ridiculous that he cared about the feelings of the man who had hurt the girl he was trying to comfort.  Pushing away the guilt, he surrendered to the roaring and gurgling inside him; a warmness he hadn't felt since he had returned to Charming. His longing led him to her lips and he cupped her face as he kissed her.

The heat in his body flared up as her tongue slid between his lips, slowly swirling around his. Slowly his thoughts stilled; the girl who was with him was the only thing he was aware of. Vaguely he noticed how he laid down on the ground and pulled her on top of him, his hand buried in her hair while her tongue tenderly played with his, alternated with small kisses.

In a flash he saw her smiling face, a hand gliding across a pale breast, a nipple between his lips. He felt her bare skin underneath his, her lips exploring his neck, nails digging into his shoulders. His own lips were tingling as they descended down her neck, following her collar bone until he kissed the little birthmark underneath it.

In shock he sat up straight, staring bewildered at her. 

Dana looked insecure. "Sorry," she whispered. "Maybe... maybe you weren't ready for this."

"No," he said, a lump in his throat. "It's not that. I saw things, I felt things... Like a lifelike fantasy. But I – I don't think it was a fantasy." His hand was trembling als he moved his hand to the neck of her shirt, pulling it down a little. Stunned, he stared at the small birthmark below her collarbone. "It were memories."

 


	90. Dana

Dana stared at Kip. "You really have a memory?"

He was beaming as he nodded and she threw herself upon him. It was amazing that he hadn't lost  _all of_ his memories and the fact that she was the one triggering his memory gave her a very special feeling.

"What kind of memory is it?" She pulled away from him so she could look at him.

His cheeks flushed. "Umm... parts of your body you haven't shown me today. It were... flashes."

His red cheeks made her chuckle. He was such a cutie. "The first memory you recall is one of my naked body? Well, I must have impressed you."

A little awkwardly he shrugged his shoulders. How would it feel, kissing a girl and knowing you've gone further with her without being able to remember it?

Hoping he would relax a little, her hand glided teasingly across his chest and she gave him a feathery light kiss. "I can show you a bit more?" She played with the hem of her shirt. "Maybe more memories will come back." She moved her eyebrows up and down. "At least these ones aren't unpleasant?"

Skittishly he looked at her; just like during their first time he seemed to doubt he could do that to Juice. Kissing was one thing, but more... Yeah, she understood his doubts.

But at the same time she longed for his warmth, for his hands all over her body. Juice and she had only made out a little bit that night she returned and even though she had not hated Ruben the past months, being with him had been very different than being with Kip or Juice.

"Are you sure you want this?" he asked softly.

"Why wouldn't I? I have feelings for you, you have feelings for me and even if there hadn't feelings in play we've both slept with people we had no feelings for."

"But Juice..."

She sighed. Actually she  _didn't_ want to think about Juice for just one minute, especially because she knew he would be deep inside Fye by now, trying to get rid of his frustrations. She just hoped the girl was strong enough to tell him when he crossed a line. She clearly wanted to help Juice, but it asked for a certain degree of fortitude and she hoped Fye would be resilient enough.

"Juice doesn't have to know," she said quietly. She bent her head in shame as her cheeks flushed. She was so selfish. She didn't want to burden Kip with feelings of guilt, but it had felt like a little step further than what they had already been doing. "Sorry," she muttered. "I - I just want you so bad."

His blue eyes locked with hers and as neither of them looked away, she could hear his breathing speed up.

"I want you too," he said, suddenly a little hoarse. His hand stroked her waving hair, his fingertips tickling her neck. "You're so damn beautiful Dana. And so... so sweet."

Completely unexpected her bottom lip started to quiver. After everything Juice had snarled at her tonight, Kip's words felt like a balm on her wounds. He took her hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it.

"Stay with me tonight, at my place," he said. "With our son."

* * *

Dana shivered as his fingers slipped underneath her shirt before he pulled it over her head. The moment she had access to his lips again, she kissed him fiercely while her hand clutched around his neck. His stubble scraped against the skin of her neck as he left her lips; on her back his fingers were moving upwards to remove the clasp of her bra, making her sigh in relief as the garment slid down. His hands caught the weight of her breasts and she bit her lip as she felt his rough hands stroking her sensitive skin. A wild longing flared up inside her and she pressed her nails into his back as his lips closed around her nipple and started to suck. Dana closed her eyes and moaned quietly.

When it became too sensitive she wanted to press a kiss to the top of his head as she always did when the sweet pain was becoming too much but instead of a smooth scalp her lips met soft hair.

A pang went through her chest when she thought about Juice, and the guilt tore her apart because she was thinking about someone else than her current lover.

"Hey, you okay?"

Kip looked up to her. Only now, she realized there were tears in her eyes.

"Sorry," she said softly, wiping her eyes. "I thought I was ready."

"Hey, it's okay." Kip kissed her lips, the back of his fingers stroking her cheek. "Is it because of Juice?"

She bent her head. "I really love you, Kip. You have to believe that. But Juice... I always thought we would grow old together. That we would marry and start a family." Tears filled her eyes again. "And when I had finally killed Maddox, I thought I would finally be happy. But now - now it feels like my whole future is collapsing and... and seeing what he has become... it hurts so much. I think I'm really heartbroken."

The grief burnt in her throat, but she didn't want to lose herself in crying again and kept taking deep breaths.

"Give it some time." Kip wrapped his arms around her and laid back on the bed. She snuggled up to him, the feel of his warm skin calming her down a bit. Could she be happy with Kip? She didn't know if she could ever be truly happy if Juice wasn't. Their souls were intertwined, even when Juice had tried to tore his away from hers.

The love between Kip and her was just so different than the love between Juice and her. The first had been born out of comfort, as a way to let each other enjoy life in dark times. Their friendship had been so close that they had been able to give each other more than regular friends would do. Between Juice and her... that had been romantic, their feelings had been so heavy neither of them could ignore them, even when it endangered their lives. She thought back to the day Chibs had taken her to Juice's house; how nervous she had felt and how sweet he had been when she was having a panic attack, and how they had seen each other naked totally unplanned when he had shot himself in the ass. She thought about their date in the drive in cinema, where he refused to tell her his real name before she would kiss him. The memories made her limbs tingle. She could remember every look, every smile like it was yesterday.

She remembered how they had made love on the beach underneath the starry sky, how they'd lost their clothes and how they'd talked about kids. Suddenly his drunk talk echoed in her head.

_"I wanna make babies with you. Lots of 'em. I always wanted a big family."_

_She chuckled softly. "You're only sayin' that because you're drunk."_

_Juice looked surprisingly serious at her. "One day we'll go back to California and then we're going to marry and make babies and then you can never ever leave me."_

_Dana chuckled. "Goof. I will never leave you, with or without kids."_

Moving her hand to her mouth she bit her knuckles to keep the tears at bay. Would he remember that talk? That sweet guy who was always full of laughter, had he completely disappeared? Or had he fled to a corner of his dark mind, desperately waiting until she freed him from the chaos he was twisted up in?

"I miss him," she whispered. "I miss him, Kip." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I miss him even more than when we were held captive."

Kip wrapped his arms tight around her. "I'm so sorry for you. For the both of you." He kissed her collarbone. "But I'm sure he'll come to his senses, Dane. It's just impossible not to love a woman like you."


	91. Fye

Juice took a deep breath. He was holding her hand so tight it was starting to hurt and his breathing told her he was close to another panic attack. Maybe this wasn't the right moment – but when would it be the right time? Trying to encourage him, she squeezed his hand.

He didn't look at her, instead he stared at his knees. "After Dana was taken from me, I had trouble sleeping. After a few months I met a girl who told me her boyfriend had died in a car crash and that she had trouble sleeping too. Sharing a bed with someone else helped her. And so, we tried – without having sex. We grew really close and I managed to tell her about Dana."

He took another deep breath and was silent for while, as if he was gathering courage to continue. 

"I started to fall for her and the feelings were mutual, and after a while I moved in with her. But I – I found it hard to be with someone while Dana was held captive. I still drank too much, I beat her up and I was unfaithful. After I went to rehab, things went better. She forgave all the horrible things I'd done, she just... never gave up." His thumb moved towards the tattoo below his other thumb, as if it was giving him strength. "Later I discovered the real reason she never gave up. It wasn't because she loved me, it was because she was spying for Maddox. The man who had abducted Dana, who was raping my girl... He had taken her little sister too, said she had no choice... But I... I lost control and I strangled her. I killed her in my own house while Mikey was just one door away."

By reflex, she pulled back her hand; her stomach was cringing. She had known he had done something horrible, but that he had killed a woman with his bare hands? 

"You regret what you did?" she asked, hesitating. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes I do. But most days.... no."

She nodded slowly. It sounded harsh, but it gave her more peace to think that he still stood behind his decision than that it had happened in the heat of the moment. 

"Dana left me a message one day and Lotte erased it. She'd mounted cameras in my house, let me fuck her while she knew... while she knew Maddox would make Dana watch. All that time – all that time she knew how he earned his money and instead of sharing that information with us she let him play her."

Hesitating, her fingers glided back to his hand. She understood him. Killing her hadn't solved anything, but if this had happened to her... she had no idea what she would have done. 

"You think Dana won't understand?" she asked quietly. She was still searching for the real reason why he was walling his heart off from the girl. 

"Dana already knows," he muttered. "She doesn't care. This is about you... about you and me. I beat my former girlfriend, Fye. I – I just think you need to know that."

Pensively, she looked aside. She was convinced that he had changed, he was no longer a drunk. "You think you would ever hit me?"

"I dunno," he whispered, squeezing his fingers. "God I hope not, I really hope I won't. But I – I just don't know. My head is such a mess and I... I just don't know."

She saw how the muscles in his arms tensed, how he was pulling up his shoulders. She felt his self hatred. Slowly, she dropped her head on his shoulder, lifting his hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. 

"I will never approve of you killing that young woman. But the circumstances were so horrible... I can't judge you."

Finally he looked up, his brown eyes full of doubt and incomprehension. "You really think you can stay with a man who murdered his former girlfriend?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "She betrayed you, she increased the suffering of the girl you loved..." She laid a hand against his cheek. "Juice, I have no ties with Maddox and I think Dana is a sweet girl. I can't think of a reason why I would have to fear you."

She wasn't completely honest now – tonight he had definitely scared her. She however knew there was no point in telling him; he needed to be trusted, needed to know that people still believed in him being a good man.

His fingers wandered across her face and he kissed her forehead before he leaned against it. "You have no idea how blessed I feel for finding you, Fye."

His words warmed her to the core and softly her lips brushed across his. "I'm happy I met you too Juice. It isn't always easy, but I love you and I want to be there for you."

A silence followed her words, one forming a silent question. 

"You wanna know why I can't be with Dana?" Sighing, he rubbed his face. "You remember I told you about Cherry? The girl who turned me over to Maddox on Valentine's Day?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah... Dana mentioned her today when she was crying and summing up the people she'd lost – she said that Cherry was missing. Despite her betrayal, she still seems to care about her."

Juice's jaw clenched. "Well, she's dead. One day I found her at Dana's grave and I dragged her to the clubhouse where after we voted for her death. Because she was a traitor. Because I'd lost my daughter and fiance because of her. Kozik was the only one who wanted her to live." The lines in his face became harder. "And now I get why. He kept telling me that Dana wouldn't want Cherry to die because she was a victim too, but I didn't care what Dana would think because she was  _dead._ She was  _dead_ , just like my little girl. It was Cherry's fault that I'd lost them and I couldn't stand that she was still alive while my girls were gone." His hands cramped up. "But that asshole knew she was still alive, that she might return one day and that she would hate me for killing her best friend to honor  _her._ I didn't care because I thought she was dead. But she ain't dead. She ain't dead." He raised his hands and wiped his eyes. "She lost so many people Fye. She can't know – she can never know what happened to Cherry. And I – I can't hide it from her. The secret will always stand between us, we can never go back to the old days."

Fye dropped her eyes. 

So this was the real reason. He was protecting Dana because he loved her so deeply. And because he couldn't explain himself to her, he tried to keep her away by being a jerk. 

"You love her very much, don't you?" she whispered, flinching a little. 

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "S-sorry Faye. It's not like you're some back-up plan, my feelings for you a true. But she... she was my whole world. I couldn't protect her; and I knew I couldn't trust Cherry and still I allowed her to live in our house. I just... I just don't deserve her. She has to start over with someone else, for she will always remind me of the monster I am. I killed two young women, Fye. And I don't wanna be that guy anymore... you – you make me a better person." He looked up, his eyes wet. "Please – please don't leave me. Dana and I... we need to go in different directions to find our happiness. And I want that. Fye I want to be happy with you. For I believe – I believe you can make me happy and I just – I just hope I can make you happy too."

"I want that too." She leaned into him and kissed his lips. "I want that too sweetheart."

Her hand glided across her stomach, where their little miracle was growing. Would the news contribute to his happiness? It would give him a purpose. But once she had told him, she couldn't take back her words. And all those things he was telling her now where really sweet, but she needed more. She had to know how he would behave the next weeks for she had seen a darkness inside him today. And as much as he wanted to fight it – she wasn't sure he could and she had no idea how to find out. 

But maybe someone else could estimate the effect it would have on him.

Someone who would find it very hard to find out about the baby, but who knew Juice better than she did. Better than anyone did.

 

 


	92. Dana

Dana had slumped down on the couch, her feet on the coffee table. Her head was leaning against Kozik's shoulder as they were watching the newest Harry Potter. She missed the first but it wasn't hard to understand and she actually didn't care much. It just felt familiar to sit here with him. To sit next to someone who didn't call up conflicting feelings. A week had passed since her return, but nothing felt the same, it felt like she had to get to know them all again. She hadn't seen Juice in days, she had avoided the clubhouse. Yesterday she had dinner with Kip, where after Casper had spent the night at his place.

She regretted the kiss on the roof.

Not because she felt guilty towards Juice, but because she had only made things more complicated. She had no idea how to define her feelings for Kip; deep down she knew Juice was still the one she wanted to be with. And even though she had told Kip that he wasn't some kind of rebound, he actually was.

If she ever wanted a relationship with him, she couldn't build one before she was over Juice, otherwise it felt unfair. If she wanted to go for him, she wanted to go all in. She had shared her thoughts with Kip and he had agreed with her: because of Casper it was important they got along well, so they needed to be honest and open for conversation. Of course she knew it didn't leave him indifferent; he still had feelings for her and he also felt her longing for him. Knowing that someone was longing for your love but being unable to answer it, was anything but easy. Right now however, Dana wanted to work on herself before she would throw herself into a new relationship - with whoever that relationship would be. She had to find a job, so she could afford her own place and could lead her own life again.

Maddox was gone, but she wasn't free yet.

Kozik nudged her shoulder. "You watchin' at all?"

"My head is too loud," she sighed.

"That was the reason we started a movie. To distract you."

"Well it ain't workin'."

He turned a little more towards her. "What is it?"

She shrugged. "I just don't know what I want with my life. You know - Maddox has influenced my life for  _ten years._ I don't even know who I am without him, what job I would like, what I would have studied when..." Sighing, she bent her head. "It feels like I've killed a part of myself too."

Kozik pulled her closer and kissed her temple. "That's not weird. It takes time to discover what you want, Dane. To set goals. For years you've worked to get rid of that asshole and now you need to find closure." He raked a hand through her hair. "You sleep any better?"

She stared at the floor. "No."

Nightmares had always been there, but especially now Maddox was no longer alive she was plagued by them every single night. She dreamed about Tabitha; again and again she had to watch how Maddox squeezed her head. Other times she dreamed that he somehow survived, killing Casper in revenge. Every time she woke up, she couldn't move. All she could do was staring at the ceiling, completely paralyzed, until she started to cry, longing so desperately for Juice's arms that she was close to calling him.

"If you have another nightmare... Just know you can crawl into my bed, Dane. If that makes you less anxious..." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "I promise I keep my hands on top of the blankets."

She chuckled softly. "If not, Amy's cutting 'em off?"

"Nah, she ain't that violent."

"Don't you think it's bothering her if I share a bed with you? You told me she wanted to take things slow so I assume you haven't done it... I don't want her to think that you're cheating on her." She hadn't forgotten about Juice's words.

"She'll understand. She knows what things you've gone through."

Dana nodded slowly, although she didn't plan on taking the offer. It was sweet - and Kozik really was a sweetheart, but once she was living alone, there would neither be someone to share a bed with. Except for her son, but she didn't want to keep him awake with all her tossing and turning.

Someone knocked on the door and Kozik got up. "I thought he'd never come."

A moment later he returned to the living room, followed by Happy. Dana scrunched her nose as she saw the three pizza boxes he was carrying. Who the hell wanted to eat pizza so close to midnight?!

These two men - she realized when they started to stuff their mouths with the food.

"I thought you'd fallen asleep," she said to her brother. "We've started a movie by now."

Happy smirked. "Girl, after five years without sex I got a lot of catchin' up to do. So many new pussies..."

Dana rolled her eyes. She thought back to the last time she had sex herself - right before she killed Maddox. The fact that he had been her last, gave her a bitter taste.

It felt as if Happy had caught her thoughts when he asked: "You're finally gonna tell us how you killed the fucker?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Dana said snippy.

No way that she was going to tell her brother that they'd done some bondage game, that she had rode him right before she jammed a knife in his neck.

"Talkin' is good."

She scoffed. "As if you  _ever_ talk about anything! You've been in jail with dad for five fuckin' years and you've told me shit about him."

"Ain't much to say kid."

"Well there's neither much to say about Maddox. He's gone, I jammed a knife in his throat."

Happy snorted, pulling off a piece of his pizza with his teeth. "And you're supposed to be family? C'mon girl, I've been inside for five years because of that piece of shit, I deserve a detailed description of how you killed the bastard."

Tears jumped into her eyes. "I don't wanna talk about it okay? Just leave me alone!" Jumping up, she rushed to her room. He had never been there for her when she needed a person to talk to and now he wanted to talk? Even after her first escape he had barely shared three words with her and now he expected her to tell her about one of the most heavy days of her life?

Sitting down on the bed she wiped her eyes. Suddenly feeling lonely, she wrapped her arms around herself.

_"You miss me, baby? I told you we belonged together..."_

Goosebumps raced across her back as she heard his voice in her head. The worst however was that it was true; Ruben's arms around her were still better than no arms around her. His sudden absence shocked her, the unexpected pain making her feel sick. Bending forward she threw up, sobbing, her fingers combing through her hair.

She barely heard how the door was opened, how Kozik sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. Crying, she leaned into his embrace.

"Hey... what's going on baby? You're sick?" He petted her hair.

"I'm disgusted with myself," she whispered.

"Why?"

She pressed her lips together, she couldn't tell him. She was crazy, completely insane.

Kozik rubbed her shoulders. "Why, Dane?"

She had never hid anything from Kozik; all the times Happy hadn't been there for her, Kozik had. Flinching, she whispered: "Because I miss him."

 


	93. Kozik

Sometimes it was easy to forget how rough things were for Dana. After dealing with Juice's tantrums, cries and alcohol addition, Dana seemed to do very well. Sure – he had seen her cry a few times, but she always got her act together. 

But hearing her whisper that she was disgusted with herself? That was new. 

How many times Juice had told him these exact same words? The reasons had always been logical – but he really had no clue way  _Dana_ would hate herself.

"Who do you miss?" he asked. "Juice? There's nothing strange about that, he isn't himself and it's not your fault."

"No, not Juice," she muttered. As she doubled over as if she was plagued by a horrible stomach cramp, he rubbed her back. "It's Ruben."

Ruben? Who the hell was Ruben? 

When she didn't explain herself, he repeated the question out loud. 

"Maddox wasn't always an asshole," she muttered. "After a while, I got to know a side of him that he had hidden for a long time. His sensitive side – a side that was really concerned about my well-being. I think he was suffering from a dissociative identity disorder, it really felt like two persons were trapped in one body. That sweet side – we called him Ruben." She sighed. "You have to understand that he was my only company for over two years. I had to find a way to deal with him and clinging to Ruben helped a lot. The erratic, possessive Maddox was slowly disappearing."

She was silent for a while. Kozik stroked her hair while thinking. It wasn't hard to see where this was going. "You've come to love him. Ruben."

She bent her head. "I didn't want to kill him," she whispered. "I wanted to leave, I wanted back to you guys... but I didn't want to kill him. But I had to – once he'd lost me Maddox would have taken control of his mind again. And Maddox – Maddox had to die." She wiped her eyes. "It sounds so fucked up. They were the same person. But I loved him and I hated him. I loved the person who raped me, who killed my baby, who destroyed Juice. I'm insane. I'm fucking insane."

"You're not, Dane, and it isn't that strange. You did what you had to do to survive; also mentally and emotionally. If Ruben cared for you and protected you from Maddox, it's nothing but logical that you miss him now. He was your only friend."

"But he  _was_ Maddox!"

"And Ruben. DID is a serious disease, Dane. He might have been really two persons. One who made you suffer and one who was trying to help you." He thought back to her outburst of a few minutes ago, wondering if her guilt had contributed to her anger. "Who did you kill?" he asked softly. "Ruben or Maddox?"

"Maddox," she whispered. "I – I tried to say goodbye to Ruben before I killed Maddox."

Kozik didn't know what was wiser: digging deeper or leaving it at this. He knew her first session with a therapist was scheduled for the end of next week and the woman would be able to help her better than he could, but maybe she also wanted to tell the story to someone she trusted. 

"How did you do it? Separating the two to kill Maddox?"

She bent over. "I feel ashamed."

Kozik left his spot behind her and knelt down in front of the bed so he could look at her face. After taking her hands in his, he said: "You've never been ashamed around me, Dane. You know I will never judge you."

She looked up, the tears shimmering in her eyes stabbing him in the chest. 

"It was Valentine's Day," she started. "I bought a cop costume and cuffed him to the bed. He loved bondage, which I encouraged because I wanted him to trust me. He liked the dominant me, so he was quite willingly.' She looked at their hands. "I had a knife, I could have killed him right away. But I didn't – I fucked him one last time. I  _wanted_ to fuck him one last time; I wanted to give Ruben a last moment of ultimate pleasure before I would kill him. It felt like a way of saying goodbye. After that... I teased him with an unloaded gun and a knife, trying to scare him. The moment I addressed my words directly to Maddox, I saw the look in his eyes change. In the end I jammed the knife in his neck."

His thumbs were stroking hers. "You felt guilty once you'd killed him?"

She shook her head. "No. But I felt sorry for Ruben."

Kozik studied her face for a while. "And what's disgusting you? The fact that you had voluntary sex with him while we thought he was raping you?"

In silence, she shrugged her shoulders. 

"Listen to me Dane. I told you this before: you did what you had to do. For yourself, for Casper. It's not for us to judge you. If you had feelings for him, it's nobody else's business. Not mine, not your brother's and not Juice's. Okay? Maddox is like the king of complicated creatures. It's human to love certain traits about someone and to hate others."

He thought of Juice, who had also done things he was disgusted with. That however didn't mean he didn't love his brother; not even when he was behaving like a dick as he had done the past week. 

"Thanks," she said quietly. A tear rolled down her cheek as she hugged him. "It feels like you're the only one I still know. If you hadn't been here..."

"But I am here, Dane." He laid a kiss on her forehead. "I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Carefully Kozik tried to encourage Dana to visit the clubhouse more often. She had lived in isolation for such a long time; she had to learn how to deal with other people again. 

Most times she did great, especially when Juice wasn't around. 

Together with Sack, Bobby, Dana and Amy he was playing a game of cards when Juice entered the clubhouse. At first he simply ignored them, drinking a beer at the bar while talking to Jax. However, Kozik could feel his scorching glance the whole time. Ever since Juice found out he had known that Dana wasn't dead, he was furious. 

He had a bad feeling when Juice shoved a chair towards them and sat down next to Amy. 

"You really got not problems with it?" he asked her after a while. "With those two?"

Kozik cocked his head to the side and realized that Juice was pointing at him and Dana. 

"What the hell is this?" he asked annoyed.

"What?" Juice lifted his chin. "You think that's a weird question? Well – I wouldn't be too happy when another guy moves in with my Old Lady. And well, let's be honest – Dana fucked half of the club. You knew that, Amy?" He pointed around. "She fucked me... Sack... Jax... Why do you think she'll skip Kozik? Seems like they've always fun together."

Kozik clenched his fist. He wanted to jump up and beat the crap out of that asshole, but he was afraid he would scare Amy, making only things worse. 

"It's fucking bullshit." His eyes shot to Dana. Despite his hurtful words, she pretended she hadn't heard them and laid down a card.

"Oh, is it?" Juice aimed all his attention at him – apparently it wasn't Dana who he wanted to hurt. "You ever told your girl you kissed Dana? That you were trying to hit on her while she was fucking fourteen years old why you were thirty?! You told your girl you're a disgusting pedophile and that you can't wait to finally shove your dick inside her now she's no longer a kid?!"

Despite the shame he felt, he wanted to jump in anger. However, Dana's hand glided to his underneath the table, giving a firm squeeze. 

"Stop bein' so childish, Juice," she said calmly. Then she aimed her attention to Amy. "There's nothing between us, Amy. I promise you."

"You really believe that?" Juice taunted. "Just look into her eyes Koz. Look into your girl's eyes and tell her you don't wanna fuck Dana."

"I'm not going to play along with your stupid games. Just leave her alone, Juice."

"Well somebody's gotta tell her the truth, huh? You'll see for yourself, Ames. Ever since she's back he's around her the whole fucking time and the look in his eyes says enough. And if not, his boner definitely does." He gave Dana a quick wink. "No offense to you, you still gimme a hard one too."

"It's your turn, Koz." Dana nudged his arm. 

"You see? He's the next, she just confirmed it." The laugh Juice let out, sounded hollow and cold. Kozik looked at his eyes to judge if he had taken something, but all he could see were two little torches. 

Kozik had enough. Getting up, he grabbed Juice's collar and pulled him on his feet. "If you got a problem with me, you discuss it with me and leave my Old Lady out of it."

"Old Lady or Old Ladies? Still haven't heard you say you don't wanna bang Dana."

"I don't want to bang her," he said through gritted teeth. 

Juice lifted the corner of his mouth. "Who do you mean with  _her?_ You and Amy didn't take the big step, right? Why's that? You no longer want her? You now think she's ugly, compared to that perfect body of Dana? You afraid you call out the wrong name, huh?"

And that was the end of his self-control. His fingers curved around Juice's shoulder and he swung his fist forward. As if Juice had waited for it, he bent back immediately. The moment Amy cried out and a smirk spread across Juice's face, he knew that Juice had wanted to provoke exactly this response. Quickly he recomposed himself, looking at Juice with a fierce glance. 

Instead of starting another fight, he grasped Juice's arm and dragged him away from the others. "What the hell is this?" he grunted.

The icy look in Juice's eyes gave him a nasty feeling. For years he had tried to help his friend, had pulled him out of his misery over and over again – and this was how he showed his gratitude? Yeah, that fucking hurt. He felt fucking betrayed.

"I ruin what you ruined for me," Juice grunted. "You should have told me she was still alive, then I never would have killed Cherry, and Dana and I would have been together.  _You_ fucked up my life and soon you're gonna discover the pain of a broken heart too."

Juice spitted at his feet, turned around and rushed out of the clubhouse.

 


	94. Dana

"Is it true?" Amy grasped her arm so firmly it hurt. "Did he... when you..."

Dana sighed. In silence she cursed Juice, who had definitely struck a nerve. "We were really close," she said. "Despite the age gap. I was the one taking the initiative and he never pushed for more than a kiss. He's a good man, Amy. He's not perfect, nobody is, but he's not a pedophile. The only reason Juice is bringing it up, is because he's mad at Koz for not telling him that I was alive."

The expression on Amy's face told her the woman had still her doubts and Dana knew it was not for her to take them away. Amy didn't trust her, because of Juice's words she was afraid Kozik  _did_ have feelings for her. It was Kozik who should prove them wrong, and not her. 

She turned her face to the two men who were standing a bit away from them, both with heated faces. In the end Juice rushed outside while Kozik returned to them. Immediately he tried to comfort Amy, but she didn't even want to be touched by him anymore. Seeing the hurt on Kozik's face cut like a knife through Dana's heart; it wasn't Amy's sudden rejection alone, it was also because of Juice's behavior after everything the man had done for him. 

Dana didn't know if it was wise, but she went outside too. It felt as if Juice was a runaway train, causing damage all around him without someone being able to stop it. Dana refused to step aside; it felt cowardly. 

She didn't see him at first, but after noticing his bike was still on its usual spot she looked a little better. There he was, hidden in the shadows; his back against the wall and a cigarette in his hand. Dana walked over to him and sat down next to him. He pretended he didn't notice her presence, but the way his muscles tensed gave his feelings away. 

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" he huffed after a while. "Every time I fly off the handle you seem to think you're the one who needs to calm me down while you're making everything ten times worse. What the hell do you think you do? You're no longer my girlfriend, Dana."

"I certainly hope you don't talk about your girlfriend like you talked about me a few minutes ago." She sighed, her fingers were itching to grab his hand. "Are you jealous of me?" she asked after a while. 

He snorted, still staring forward with a grim face. "Why the hell would I be jealous of you."

"Because you think I'm doing well. Because I've found a better way to handle my pain. Because you think that I'm strong and that you're weak."

Even though she knew her last words would make him flinch, she did mention them. His hand clenched into a fist; his silence continued. 

"I barely sleep at night," she admitted. "I keep dreaming about Tabitha. And about Casper. I dream that Maddox survived and wants to take revenge by killing my little boy. Right before my eyes, just like the first time."

His hands glided across his head; he curved his fingers around his ears and pressed his elbows together as if it would help him to shut out her words. "I don't wanna hear it," he grumbled. 

"Why not?"

He gritted his teeth. 

Sure, she knew damn well why he didn't want to hear it. Hearing about her pain hurt him too, even though he didn't want to show it. 

"Within a few days I have the first appointment with my therapist," she told him. "How do you feel about going there together?"

"Hell no, I've seen enough shrinks. Didn't do me any good at all."

"And if your presence would help me?"

For the first time, his glance slid aside. Her heart cried when she saw the broken look in his eyes; he tried so hard to be strong but he was completely destroyed. 

"I know you still love me," she told him. "You can talk as much shit about me as you want, but I know you Juice, and I know you love me. I don't think I can ever do something that will make you love me less, and no matter how shitty you treat me; I won't love you any less."

He bent his head and kept silent. Defeated, his shoulders slumped down, as if he was giving up his resistance. Carefully, her fingertips glided across his hand. When he didn't pull away, she closed her fingers around his and squeezed. 

"Can you be honest with me? Do you love Fye? Does she give you the same feeling I used to give you?"

"Does it matter?" he grunted. "You and me... that's not gonna happen again."

She felt how his fingers tensed, but he didn't seem to be able to pull them away from her. 

"I'm not talking about us, Juice. I'm talking about you. And about her." For a while she was quiet, looking for the right words. "I have feelings for Kip," she told him. "They're not as strong as my feelings for you, but he calls up a certain longing. I have a feeling you experience the same with Fye. However, I don't think it's fair to go into a relationship with him when I have such strong feelings for someone else. Those have to fade before I can really build a future with him. And I think the same goes for you. Don't you feel guilty towards Fye? When you long for my arms at night, instead of hers? Cause I know you long for me, Juice. Just like I long for you. Maybe it will be good to be single for a while. To work on yourself, to heal, to find back your old self... We could help each other, it could make us both stronger. There after, you can be the man Fye deserves."

He was quiet as he stared down. When he remained silent, she laid a hand against his jaw and lifted his head so she could look him in the eye, searching for the struggle in his head which he couldn't put into words. 

His glance was restless, a mixture of every conceivable emotion. 

"I can't," he whispered. "I can't be alone."

"You can baby. You're stronger than you think."

He tore his glance away. His voice was trembling. "No, I'm not strong. Fye is – Fye is the only thing keeping me from – from..."

She gave him an encouraging squeeze. "Keeping you from what, Juice? Don't try to fight your thoughts the whole time, just let them go. It's me baby. You can tell me anything."

He took a deep breath. "Fye is the only thing keeping me away from you. And I can't – I don't want..." Suddenly he broke down and started to cry. "I'm a monster Dane. I don't want... I don't want you to be with a monster again."

"Oh baby..."  Sighing she wrapped her arms around him. He no longer resisted, instead he leaned his head against her chest. His whole body was shaking. For a long time she just caressed his head, until his breathing calmed down and he stopped shivering. Slowly, she lifted his head to look him in the eye. "There's a darkness inside you. There's no point in denying it's there. You're hurt, you're broken... maybe it will never completely go away. But that doesn't make you a monster, baby. Not as long as you fight against it. And that's what you're doing the whole time." She caressed his cheek. "You will never be the same boy you used to be. That innocence is gone. But a monster? No, you're not. Trust me, my love. You're not a monster. Look at my brother. He has a darkness inside him as well; he loves to torture people – people who hurt him, who hurt the ones he loves. Does that make him a monster? And even if you say 'yes' – it's still a monster you can love." She gave him an encouraging smile. "I love you, Juice. Fye loves you. But it's not our love you need right now... I think you first need to love yourself again. If you can't love yourself, you can't receive love, nor can you give it to others. You have to forgive yourself, and once you've done that, you have to learn to forgive others. Me. Kozik. We might have made the wrong choices, but we did it because we love you. You have to believe that."

His eyes were filled with tears when he glanced up again. His lips were quivering. "I don't deserve you Dane. And I neither deserve Fye."

"You don't," she admitted. "But that's exactly my point. Learn to love yourself first, Juice. Go work on yourself – just like I will do – until you believe you deserve Fye or me. If not, you will never be happy. And I'm not saying that you have to distance yourself from everyone. On the contrary; spend time with me, so I can convince you of the reasons why I love you. Spend time with Fye, with your brothers. Go live again, baby. Go smile again. Maddox might be dead, but we still haven't won." She grabbed his hand and squeezed. "We've come so far, we can't give up now. Maybe he destroyed a future for us, but that doesn't mean there are no other possibilities. Fye is a sweet girl, Juice. She deserves a chance – a  _real_ chance. She deserves love, she deserves your devotion instead of being a means to fill the void." She held his glance for a moment, waiting until her words reached his brain. "We were more than lovers. I was also your best friend, someone who knew you better than anyone. I was your soulmate. That we can no longer be lovers, doesn't mean we can't be there for each other. We've gone through so much my love. Maybe it was too much for our relationship to persist, but our love is still there. And if you're no longer able to be my lover, then we have to reshape our love, mold it into something else. Now Maddox is dead, we can't let him win baby. We can't. Okay?"

A tear dripped down his cheek as he bent his head until his forehead was resting against hers. "Okay," he whispered. 

She wiped the tear away with her thumb. "Very well. I love you, Juice. And I'm going to help you to love yourself again."

He looked up, his breathing trembling on her lips. "I love you too – I will always love you. It's the only thing convincing me that I'm not completely lost. It's the only warmth I can still feel."

Hesitation crossed his face, then he softly pressed his lips against her bottom lip. For a moment they lingered there; until she returned the pressure. 

Then he pulled back his face, a pink tinge spreading across his cheeks. 

She knew what it meant. This had been their last kiss – a kiss goodbye. 

 _At least for now,_ she couldn't help but hope.

 


	95. Juice/Dana

Juice put away the razor and stared into the mirror. His face still had a shade of gray and there were dark circles below his eyes. He tried to smile at his reflection, but the grimace he created made his stomach cringe. 

Maybe he should cancel it. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. 

But he didn't want to disappoint her  _again_ and despite his conflicting feelings he wanted to see her, wanted to be around her. Now he wasn't fighting so hard to be away from her, he had to admit that it felt good to have her around. He had the feeling she never judged him, that she knew him better than he knew himself and it gave him some peace of mind – a peace he had been craving for the past years. 

After taking a deep breath he went downstairs. The apartment was quiet. Fye was at work, but he wasn't sure whether he wanted her here or whether he was relieved she wasn't around. An encouraging smile might have helped him to steel his nerves, and at the same time he was glad she didn't see his nervousness. She was very understanding, but he knew she had a hard time dealing with the situation. That however encouraged him to go through. The sooner he had found a way to act around Dana in a normal way, the sooner he could offer Fye some stability. Since his conversation with Dana, Fye and he had kissed a couple of times, but they hadn't gone further. To his surprise, it wasn't that hard to live without the intimacy – he concentrated on other things now, tried to find other ways to show her how much he cared about her. Whether he was doing it for her, for himself or for Dana, he didn't know. 

Maybe for all of them. 

He closed the front door behind him and walked to his bike. A week had passed since his outburst at the clubhouse. He knew he had destroyed something that night, but he felt no regret. Maybe it had happened in a rude way, but he had told Amy nothing but the truth. It wasn't his fault that Kozik had hidden the true nature of his relationship with Dana. Mentioning something that had happened such a long time ago was easier to accept than the fact that his friend hadn't told him that Dana was still alive, not even when he was about to murder her friend. 

His nerves made his hands sweat as he pulled over the bike in front of Kozik's house. The past days Dana and he had shared a few words, but there had always been others around. Today, none of his brothers would be with them. That knowledge frightened him; what if he would behave like an ass again? What if he could no longer control his feelings for her? He tried to find some middle ground among all the emotions she called up inside him, but it was hard. Still he hadn't been able to say 'no' when she had asked him to go to the carnival with her. He had been close to refusing, though, but the words of their last conversation had been racing through his mind; that they needed to find a new way to behave around each other, that it would make them both happy. 

And he wanted her to be happy. 

Damn, he wanted to be happy too, if that was still an option. At some moments he even wondered if she might ever be able to forgive him for what he had done to Cherry, but he kept sending these thoughts away. Before he was his old self again, he didn't want to try to get into a relationship with her. It was probably healthier if they both went their own way, and if he could handle being friends with her, it would feel like a blessing as well – something he neither deserved. 

The door opened before he had gotten off his bike, as if she had been waiting for him. She was wearing a dark jeans and a green chiffon shirt, that was longer on the left side than on the right. 

"Hey." She showed him a hesitating smile as she had neared him. 

"Hey."

Although Dana always wore a bit – or a little more than a bit – make-up, he had the feeling that she had really tried to look more beautiful. Not to seduce him, he thought, since she wasn't wearing some hot dress, but to feel more confident. 

A little awkwardly they looked at each other. 

"I'm nervous," she said softly. "Stupid, huh."

"No, not at all." It felt like there was a brick in his throat, but nevertheless he admitted: "I'm nervous too."

Even though being so open scared him, it felt good. Hoping to break the ice a bit, he got off his bike and held out his arm in some subtle invitation of a hug. 

The smile he caught before she wrapped her arms around him, called up an intense heat in his body. Their bodies formed to each other during the embrace; it felt like they were a perfect unity. Her perfume gave him weak knees and he had to keep himself from taking a deep breath. 

Their hug was way too long for a normal greeting. Now she was standing so close to him, he thought about all the times he had hold her in his arms without clothes separating them. He wanted it back... He wanted her back so badly. 

As he noticed that the excitement in his pants was giving away his thoughts, he broke away from the embrace. There was a pink tinge on her cheeks and his heart was pounding frantically in his chest, and he felt the warm glow spread across his own face too. It felt like he had fallen for her all over.

Which really wasn't his intention – this wasn't a date, this was a trip they took as friends. Instead of panicking, he glanced at her blue eyes. 

 _It's okay,_ they seemed to tell him.  _You can have feelings for me. As long as you don't act on them._

He hoped he could keep himself in check. If he would try to kiss her again today, he didn't believe a friendship was a real possibility. And since he was convinced he would never be able to find back his old self without her, he really didn't want to fuck this up. 

* * *

It wasn't the first time Dana visited Fun Town. Two days ago she'd been there with Kip and Casper too. The three of them being there had been nice, relaxed. They'd laughed a lot, which was the reason she wanted to take Juice there too. If she could just see his smile for one moment... She believed it would be a great victory for him. 

His whole demeanor showed her how nervous he felt, but at the same time she sensed that the voices in his head had calmed down a bit. They were here to have fun, he knew that. To keep herself from grabbing his hand, her hands slipped into the pockets of her jeans. 

"What do you want to do?" Juice asked as they walked up the terrain. 

"Everything! We're gonna do everything." She showed him a cheerful smile. "Let's start with the bumper cars!"

It was working. The moment they had both taken a seat in a cart, the expression on his face changed. For a moment he was that boy again, barely an adult, who loved to fool around and who was trying to corner her now. 

As they left the attraction a little later, he was more energetic than before. They got themselves some cotton candy which they ate at the edge of a pond, there after they went to the shooting gallery where they stayed until they had both won a giant stuffed animal. Those made a bigger challenge of the other attractions; when they went on the Kiddy Coaster – for which they were obviously too old, but the teenager selling them the tickets was too chicken to send a Son away – they were sitting so close that Juice had to wrap an arm around her to sit a bit comfortable. The gesture felt so familiar it almost made Dana cry. Although she wasn't sure it was wise, she leaned with her head on his shoulder. Even though the arm around her shoulders had been born out of necessity, she felt how he was tightening his grasp around her now. Dana didn't dare to look up, she knew for sure he was feeling the same kind of tinglings.

Afraid their lips would end up on each other as she looked up, she just kept leaning against him until the ride ended. Leaving the attraction, they got in line for the log flume. As they were waiting, Dana asked about his sister and his nephew. Luckily, the ordinary conversation took the tension between them a bit away. 

"She has one and half year to go," Juice told her. "Then he can finally go home."

She nodded slowly. "It's a lot to take in for that poor kid."

He dropped his eyes. "And I haven't made things much easier for him."

"Given the circumstances I think you did just fine, Juice." She nudged his shoulder. "Where's that biker arrogance I used to love? Women like that."

The smirk that followed after her words, reminded her of the old Juice again. Not much later, she even heard him laugh again. She was at the front of the log and was hit with a wave of water; so much that her shirt was soaked and her hair was sticking to her cheeks. She looked over her shoulder. "Next round you're gonna be at the front!"

Just at that moment she was met with another wave, although his laughter was totally worth it. Nevertheless, she was shivering as they left the ride. 

"You wanna dry out there?" He pointed to a patch of grass a little further. 

"You wish dude. We're going for another ride and we won't dry out before you're just as wet as I am."

"You mean your clothes or..." He moved his eyebrows up and down.

"You wanna find out if that's what I mean?" She copied the movements of his brow. "A little ahead is a haunted house. In case you want to carry on a certain tradition."

For a few seconds he stared at her, not knowing if she was serious or not. If she was honest, she neither knew that herself. The whole idea of a friendship would fail, but damn, how badly did she want to feel those hands on her body again, his lips on her skin. His glance glided across her wet shirt sticking to her chest and there was no doubt he was sharing that longing. 

"That's enough staring, young man. I'm afraid hot sex in a haunted house isn't part of our friendship package." 

"And what about hot sex in a fun-house with all those weird mirrors?"

His answer surprised her, and the boyish grin that was suddenly drawn on his face was something she'd missed for far too long. "I said I missed a bit of arrogance, you don't have to love yourself so much that you want to see yourself busy from all sides."

"It's not me I'd like to see from all sides."

His voice sounded dark and she felt how the heat was gathering in her lower regions. The teasing had changed into something else and the lust was coursing through her veins. Hooking her fingers through his belt loops she pulled him closer. For a moment moment her breathing was stuck in her throat when she felt how hard he was. 

"Maybe something for next year. If we're both completely ourselves again."

For a moment he held her glance. Countless emotions flashed by; disappointment, regret, hope, longing. 

"I think we're doing great today, Juice." Smiling, she looked up to him. "Today I got a lot of glimpses of the man I fell in love with. He's still there."  Teasingly, she patted his chest. "And now it's about time he gets as wet as I am, so I won't be the only one shivering."

"We'll see about that," he smirked. "I think you'll get the next batch too."

"You gimme your shirt if you're right?" she pouted. 

"You think lookin' at my sixpack is goin' to warm you up?"

"Hell yeah," she winked. 

* * *

When Dana turned home later that day, the butterflies were swarming through her belly again. She was still in love with him – or maybe she had even fallen in love with him  _again_ today. It had been a hopeful day, she truly believed they could become a couple in the future again, as they'd both healed a bit more. If he had proven her one thing today, it was that he wasn't a monster; he could still laugh, he could still enjoy life. He just needed someone who took his hand, who dragged him to places where he could find back a little bit of his old self. 

Later that night Dana was surprised with a visitor. It was Fye, who looked a bit skittishly at her. 

"Hey," she said friendly to the girl. 

"Hey. I thought umm... Can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah sure. Come in." She stepped to the side, letting Fye in. 

A little later both girls were sitting on the couch. Fye looked nervous, she was fidgeting with her bracelet and barely dared to look at Dana. 

"What's going on?" Dana asked. Had she noticed a change in Juice's behavior? Had he told her he wanted her back? She felt ashamed of the hope blossoming inside her, but after today she wanted him back so badly. 

"Juice was different today. Happier, I think." Fye looked up to her. "Thank you for that. You have a great influence on him and I'm glad he's opening up to you instead of shutting you out." Fye was silent for while, looking for words. "I want to ask you something. You know him better than everyone else, so I hope you can give me some advice."

"Sure! Tell me what it is."

Fye stared at her knees. "I uhmm... I'm pregnant."

And then, it felt like a bucket of ice water was emptied above Dana's head. This afternoon had been so amazing, she had truly believed a future with Juice was still possible. And now, with these four words, Fye smashed that already fragile future to pieces.

 


	96. Dana

For a few seconds Dana could only stare at the girl, trying to understand why Fye would smash such heavy news right into her face. Her eyes started to itch and she bent over, her elbows leaning on her knees as she rubbed her face. 

"Why would you come to my house and tell me something like that?" she asked quietly. Her voice was shaking and she desperately fought the tears. Fye was a sweet girl, but the idea that she would give Juice a piece of happiness that had been taken from her, hurt a lot. She thought about her own child that she had carried for months, remembering all the times she'd sat beside her crib, assuring that she would meet her Daddy one day – a promise she'd failed to keep.

"Sorry... I... I didn't want..." Suddenly it was Fye who started to sob. "I just don't know anymore. I don't know if he wants the child, I don't even know if he still wants me... Everything is just one big mess and I got no one to talk to, no one who can help me... I don't know why I went to you... You know him better than anyone, and you're always so understanding. I thought... I don't know..." Sobbing, she remained silent.

Dana sighed softly. For a moment she had been afraid that Fye had wanted to make some kind of claim on Juice because she was going to have his child; maybe she had seen the change in him today, causing her to fear to lose him. Now however, she realized it was no arrogance which had led her to her door, but anxiety. 

Wrapping an arm around the girl's shoulders, she pulled her close, softly petting her hair until she relaxed a bit. Never before Dana had realized that Fye felt so lonely; she considered her boyfriend's ex as the only one who could help her. After having struggled with loneliness for such a long time  _and_ being pregnant two times without the help of friends and family, she could relate to how the girl was feeling.

"You want it?" Dana asked after a while. 

Fye nodded, wiping the tears off her face. "I felt really happy when I found out. I wanted to tell him the news on Valentine's Day, but he was in a horrible mood and not much later you returned..." She bent her head. "And ever since I have a hard time reading him. And I... I've seen him lose his temper a few times now and I'm not sure if I want my child to grow up around such a violent father."

Dana couldn't imagine Juice would ever hurt his own flesh and blood, especially not after what had happened to his daughter. However, she didn't know if he just had trouble regulating his emotions or that there were times he really lost his mind and didn't know what he was doing anymore, and that would obviously be very worrisome. 

"But maybe it will soften him," Dana said, hesitating. "A baby. Someone he needs to control himself for. It might be a good motivation to work on himself."

Fye bent her head and stared at her fingers. "I don't dare to tell him. Right now I can still leave, then he will never know he has a child. You – you think he wants a kid?"

Saying no – it was so easy. She could just tell the girl that Juice wouldn't want it, that he wanted  _her_ back and there was no doubt that Fye would leave instantly. It would be one problem less; maybe Juice and she really would be able to be together again. 

But that wasn't her. She didn't even know if something would happen between Juice and her at all. Today had been amazing, but still too much might have happened, so that being friends might be a better solution. Especially if that was true, Juice deserved this new chance; the chance of a new family. Maddox had killed his daughter, had destroyed his future. And in a way she was the one to blame; she had known Maddox would come for her and she had been willing to take some far-reaching risks only because she couldn't control her feelings for him. She wouldn't make that mistake again. If Fye could offer him a chance on happiness, he should grasp it. That meant that Dana needed to step away from him, letting the hope die that had blossomed up this day. 

The staring, questioning look in Fye's eyes pulled Dana back to the question she had asked. Whether he would want another child... "His head is a mess right now. If I'm honest, I think he'll completely freak out if he hears the news now and I don't think it will do him any good. Not because he doesn't want it, but expecting a child causes a lot of stress and he's already on the edge. Today was a good day for him, but he needs a lot more of those days before he's a bit his old self again."

Fye said nothing and kept staring at her with wide eyes. It gave Dana an uncomfortable feeling; this wasn't  _her_ decision to make. All she could do was give some advice, but Fye's glance gave her the feeling she would do whatever Dana would tell her to do.

Therefore, Dana didn't add another word, leaving it to the girl to think about it.

"You think it's better to wait?" she asked quietly. 

Dana nodded slowly. "It will take a while before you start showing. Use that time to make up your mind, to make a decision. I can't do that for you, Fye. This isn't about my relationship, nor about my kid. I understand your reluctance, but I think you need to take time to learn what Juice needs and how you should deal with him, instead of being completely dependent on my opinion."

Fye bent her head and bit her lip. "I know that he wants you to have his child and not me. But he – he's convinced he doesn't deserve you."

"He's also convinced he doesn't deserve you, Fye." She was silent for a moment. "I told him to work on himself before he chooses between us, and I still endorse my words. He needs to heal first."

"And I guess a child wouldn't help him heal, right?" she asked defeated.

"I don't know," Dana stressed one more time.

"How did you feel when you were pregnant again? After... what happened to your daughter?"

Dana was silent for a while. Although it was a very personal question, she appreciated Fye's courage to ask about it. "I was forced to get pregnant again, so that's very different from your situation. I knew I was going to end up pregnant. And I had mixed feelings all the time. Sometimes it made me happy, other times it made me sad. I'm really glad to have Casper in my life – but at the same time his presence always reminds me of my little girl. Every time I hear him laugh, I wonder how Tabitha's laughter would have sounded. How it would have been to see him play around with his sister, how her embrace would have felt." Tears filled her eyes. She had never spoken about her feelings; it felt like this was the first time she was really evaluating the influence of Tabitha's death on her small family. 

Fye's hand glided to Dana's and she squeezed. "I think it's so special you can talk about it. Juice always clams up. He never talks about it."

Dana studied her face. "I think he does want to talk about it, only not with you."

The girl flinched, pain flashing across her face. 

"I'm not trying to be rude, Fye. But you are separated from everything that has happened and he liked it that way. He considered you as his future and he didn't want it to be entwined with his past. You were his safe have, his way out of his pain."

"Were," Fye repeated softly. "But not anymore, right? Now he told me what happened to Lotte. What happened to..." She was silent for a while and turned her head away. "Now I'm part of his past too. And you – you're no longer his past. You could also be his future." Sighing deeply, she raked a hand through her hair. "It's all so complicated... I might have left if I hadn't been pregnant, but now I'm having his child... I'm just scared that he will get mad once I change my mind and come back, presenting him a son or a daughter."

"I don't think it's fair if you don't tell him anything at all," Dana said. "Even if you break up, he deserves to know about his son. You just have to find the right timing. And even if his rages are really scaring you, convincing you it will be safer for your child to be raised somewhere else, you should send him a letter so he will at least know about it."

"But how long should I wait?" she asked in a tiny voice. 

"Until you're no longer doubting." Dana squeezed her hand. "You found out just a couple of days ago... Give yourself some time, Fye. It's quite a change and you're insecure, you're confused... Take the time to decide what you want. If there's peace in your mind, you will be able to create peace in his mind too. That's the only way it works." She was silent for a while, considering her next words to make sure she meant them. "I want him to be happy, Fye. Maybe this baby is the last push he needs to let the past go and to focus on a future with you."

Fye looked at her. Tears were gleaming in her eyes. "But what about you?"

A little defeated, Dana shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe the same goes for me. A last push to let him go, to focus on a future with someone else."

She thought about Kip and managed to produce a little smile. This might not be the future she had mapped out, but if she managed to let Juice go, she believed that Kip, Casper and she could be a happy family – especially if Juice would also have his chance of a family, of happiness. 

 

 


	97. Juice

In the days after his visit to the carnival, Juice often thought of it. Several times a day the conversations replayed in his head; or he remembered how it had felt to wrap an arm around her, how shiny her eyes had been, how her lips had smiled. Something had changed that day, a bit of warmth had returned. A little piece of hope. Even though he still couldn't stand Kozik, he didn't feel the urge to smash the place up the whole time. His head was quieter too, there were less self-reproaches – all in all, he seemed to be more peaceful. 

After a week of minimal contact, he really started to miss her. He had heard about her two trips with Kip and their son and although he knew that they were also meant to bring father and son together, he couldn't completely get rid of his jealousy; there were no doubts that Kip and Dana were also growing closer. In his brother's eyes he read the admiration for the girl he loved too, and even though he had told himself many times that he wanted her to be happy with someone else, he had a hard time seeing the two together, even when there was nothing intimate about it. He himself had put more energy in his relationship with Fye, but as sweet as she was; he didn't love her the way he loved Dana and he hated himself for it. He however didn't want to give up on them immediately; maybe he just needed to spend more time with Dana so that having her around became more natural and he was no longer craving for a bit of her attention. He hoped that his strong feelings would subside once they had a normal friendship. Right now however she still felt like the love he'd been forced to miss for such a long time and every moment they were still separated, made him suffer internally. 

Every night he stayed in the clubhouse until late, hoping she would stop by. The past days he had only seen her one time. Of course that wasn't strange; she had a little kid she needed to take care of. However, when she entered the clubhouse on a Thursday night, he couldn't even utter a decent greeting. Instead, he turned to the bar to get himself a drink, pretending he hadn't seen her. He knew it was super childish, but suddenly he was completely stressed-out. 

Nevertheless he watched her continuously from the corner of her eye. She had flopped down on the couch where the prospects were sitting, and laughed and talked to them with wild hand gestures. She was clearly building new social contacts and like every man, the newbies hanged on every word she said. As if she felt his stare, she suddenly cocked her head to the side and smiled at him. Juice felt caught and his drink almost slipped out of his hand; right in time he grasped the glass more firmly although the contents were still sloshing over the edge. For some reason he no longer dared to look at her, and a little ashamed he stared at the wood of the bar. He knew her for such a long time and he knew her so well – it was ridiculous that he didn't even dare to go to her, that he was stressing out like a twelve year old who had his first crush. He tried to man up, to persuade himself to just walk over to her to ask if she wanted to spend some time together. Back in the day, he'd never been shy around her. And they were friends now – friends could just suggest something like that, right? 

"Hey!" Her voice dragged him out of his thoughts. She hoisted herself on a bar stool next to him and looked brightly at him. 

Juice felt his heart race in his chest. He wanted to hold her so badly his whole body was aching. His longing to get her back, to make her his again was the only thing keeping his thoughts occupied and he barely dared to say something, afraid those words would roll off his tongue.

"Hey," he forced himself to say. "You eh – you look happy." He bit on his cheek as he heard how inept he sounded. 

Dana however didn't notice and nodded enthusiastically. "I found a job! A really cool one; three days ago we went to some kids museum with all kinds of scientific projects and after chatting with the guide for a while, he told me they were looking for more guides. Yesterday I had an intake interview and I did a trial run, and they were super enthusiast and a couple of hours ago they called me to tell me I have the job!"

"Oh, that's amazing!" He was really happy that she had found a job she liked. "Congrats! Hanging out with kids and teachin' them stuff – yeah sounds like you."

"I know right?! I'm so happy with it! But how are you? Fye told me you went to the beach two days ago?"

"Yeah... Mikey really wanted to go there," he muttered. He feigned a smile, he didn't want to look crabby, not now she was glowing with happiness. "I'm okay, I think." A bit nervous he twisted the ring around his thumb.  _Just ask her, dumbass. Just ask her!_ He took a deep breath and looked at her. "I uhmm – I wondered if you'd like to hang out again? That time in Fun Town... it was really helpful."

He bent his head as he noticed how uncertain he sounded. Why was he always feeling so vulnerable around her? Sometimes he liked it, then it felt like he didn't have to pretend to be someone else for a while, but right now he cursed himself because he sounded like a desperately in love teenager. 

He held his breath as her pinky hooked around his. His glance glided upwards and he saw a slight blush on her cheeks. A paralyzing feeling crept down his limbs. Did she feel just as insecure? 

"It helped me too," she said softly. "So yes, I'd like to hang out with you. If... if Fye is okay with it."

He frowned his eyebrows. "Why wouldn't she? Did she tell you she doesn't want us to hang out?" He knew the girls had spent time together, but he hadn't expected them to talk about things like  _that._

"No, but I know it's hard for her. She wants to be there for you too."

"But if we really want to build a friendship, we are the ones who have to do that," he muttered. "And I need it. I need you in my life." Skittishly he looked at her. "Maybe not in the way I would like that, but everything is better than not being around you at all. She needs to accept that – or she should leave me."

It wasn't the first time he thought about it – breaking up with Fye. He kept thinking about Dana's words; that she had feelings for Kip but that she didn't want to give in to them before she was over him; that it felt unfair. Maybe it was neither fair towards Fye, even though she had always known there was another woman he loved; there had always been someone he'd loved more than her. Back then, it however had been a dead girl – maybe that was easier to accept. He hadn't talked about it much, afraid that she would leave. He didn't want her to leave, he didn't want to be alone. The times he had lived all by himself, had been really dark periods. He knew his fear to be alone wasn't a good reason to stay with someone, but he clung to the hope that his feelings for Fye would increase once he had gotten used to Dana. 

He realized that his thoughts had wandered off and that he hadn't even caught Dana's answer. A bit awkwardly he peeked aside. Dana was studying his face, there was no doubt that she was trying to figure out what was going on in his head. 

"You look tense," she said softly. "Is it because of me?"

He shrugged his shoulders, muttering a few sounds even he was unable to identify. She pulled away her pinky as if their touch was messing with his brain and looked around. "You wanna dance? Or rather not?"

Rather not? Actually he couldn't think of something he rather wanted to do than holding her in his arms while slowly swaying on the music. Whether it was wise too, was a different question. "I really want to," he said honestly. "But I don't know if it's a smart move. Just being friends with you isn't easy." He cast his glance at the floor, knowing it had been his own decision. If it was up to her, they would have been together again and once more he cursed Kozik for keeping the truth from him, leading to Cherry's murder. The thought that that bitch was not only the reason that he'd lost his little girl and Dana, but that she was also the reason why he could no longer be with the love of his life, gave him a bitter taste. 

"I get it. But on the other hand – things won't become easier for us if we can't even dance with each other." Dana bumped her shoulder against his, a smirk crossing her lips. "C'mon, it's just a dance! You barely dare to look me in the eye, I can't imagine you're gonna try to kiss me."

"I've done it before," he muttered. 

"Then your head was much louder than now, while your emotions were in control. In Fun Town everything went fine, right?"

 _If you only knew..._ There had been many moments he'd barely been able to control himself, although he'd succeeded eventually. Maybe he shouldn't make such a big deal of this; he was sure he would feel more relaxed if he could just dance with her in a normal way. 

"Okay then." He glided off the stool and followed her to a corner where some Croweaters were dancing. 

Juice didn't know what to do. The few times he'd danced, it had always been quite intimate. This time however they didn't even touch each other. He tried not to pay too much attention to the way she moved, but there were too many titillating memories and apart from that she was still the hottest girl he'd ever seen. 

As she caught him staring a little lost at her, she grinned at him and started to move her hands like she was in 70's disco. Her quasi serious face made him smirk and laughing, he copied her moves. The tension slid away as he discovered that he could also have fun with her without the constant longing to touch her. 

The hesitation returned when a slower song started to play. Around them were various Croweaters who pulled a Son in their arms and he swallowed when Dana wrapped her arms around his neck as well. The look in her eyes was calm and there was an appropriate distance between their bodies. Nevertheless he could barely breathe now her face was so close to his. 

"Casper is at Kip's this Saturday. Maybe we can go somewhere?" Dana asked while she let him slowly turn her around. 

Juice experienced a strange feeling of relief when she started to talk and he relaxed a bit more. His hands were on the small of her back, but it wasn't hard to keep them there. "Yeah, I got time."

"You got something special in mind?"

He shook his head. "No... I thought just going out for a ride, see where it will take us."

"Sounds good." Her lips bent into a smile. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too," he allowed himself to say. That day in Fun Town had probably been the most relaxed one since he'd returned from Mexico and he craved for more of them. 

For a while longer they kept dancing. When Juice went home half an hour later, he felt content, like he'd eaten a good meal after almost starving. Dancing with her without crossing boundaries really felt like a victory. Maybe this could really work; melting their broken hearts into a close friendship.

 

 

 


	98. Juice

Juice had barely slept. As much as he had enjoyed their last trip together, he was still afraid to fuck things up. He knew Dana could handle a lot and since her return he'd acted like a jerk a couple of times, but he was still afraid that her patience would reach its limits, making her realize that she wasn't really looking forward to a friendship with him. 

However, as always her presence had a calming influence on him. The moment she sat behind him on his bike and wrapped her arms around him, his unrest faded. He still hadn't thought of a specific destination, instead he followed his instincts, and after a while her arms around him felt so familiar that he was no longer thinking at all. 

After half an hour he pulled over his bike at the side of the road. The ride had taken him into the mountains; he'd wanted to find a quiet place. Only when Dana got off the bike, he realized where he had really taken her to. Immediately, all his muscles tensed. No... he hadn't wanted to take her here?! What the hell had lured him to this place? 

"I didn't mean to take you here," he muttered. "Come on, let's ride a bit further."

Dana studied her face. "What's this place?"

"Nothing," he mumbled. "I... I just want –"

"Juice," she said in a soft but compelling voice. "What is this place? You're all cramped up."

He avoided her glance and shrugged his shoulders. His breathing was burning in his lungs. Dana grabbed his hand. She didn't say anything, she just waited until he glanced skittishly at her. 

"I don't believe we ended up her accidentally. Subconsciously you wanted to go here."

"But I can't think of a reason why," he muttered. "I never came back here after... after..." He sighed deeply. When her blue eyes kept looking patiently at him, he gave in. "I scattered Lotte's ashes here. A little further ahead, by the water." He bit his lip. It felt so stupid, taking Dana to the final resting place of a woman he had murdered. "There's nothing fun around here. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinkin'."

Dana kept holding his hand tightly. "A friendship means more than just having fun together, Juice. Come on, show me the exact spot."

"Why?" he asked in a tiny voice. He didn't want to confront Dana with his darkness, with the murderer inside him. 

"Because I believe there's a reason you brought me here." She tugged at his hand. 

Sighing, he got off his bike. Silently and without letting go of her hand, he walked away from the road, through the row of trees until he reached the hill. Below, close to the lake, stood the sculpture of the angel. 

Dana squeezed his hand before she sat down in the grass halfway the hill. Juice stared at the marble; it was covered with a thin layer of moss. Suddenly there was a nasty stab in his stomach and he bent his head. It had been a while since he'd thought about Lotte, but suddenly he could picture her face very clearly. A little shakily, he breathed in. 

"Why is it so hard for you to show me this?" Dana asked. "You miss her? You think you haven't really dealt with it? Or do you feel ashamed of this side of yourself?"

Her last words made him cringe. 

"I don't judge you baby. And you're not the only one struggling with a darkness like that. I know how you feel, I know how it feels to kill someone not knowing whether you regret it or not."

Juice looked aside. "You mean Ope? You had no choice..."

"No, I mean Casper." She dropped her eyes. 

Juice remembered Maddox's little brother who she had shot in the head, the first time she'd escaped that asshole. She had called him a friend. They'd never really talked about it; he couldn't see a murderer in Dana and he'd never realized that she'd actually put a bullet in someone's brain. 

"There was no need to kill him," she said. "He was good to me. Comforted me. Before my relationship with Maddox became serious, he even warned me for his brother. If I'd just pointed the gun at him, he would have let me leave. Or I could have shot him in the leg. But I didn't; the moment I grabbed his gun and pointed it at his head there was no hesitation and I pulled the trigger. There was so much anger inside me because he'd never  _really_ helped me that I  _wanted_ him to die." She looked up to him, tears in her eyes. "We're not that different. They hurt us both, but none of them hated us. They were played by Maddox, both of them, but they've also been a great help. So there's nothing wrong with missing her, Juice, and you can still be mad at her. You don't have to choose between those emotions." Her thumb brushed across his. "And you don't have to feel ashamed of it. Especially not towards me, for I understand you."

Juice pursed his lips. Suddenly he could no longer bear the distance between them and he pulled her closer, wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. "I didn't think someone would ever understand me," he muttered. "Or would not hate me for it."

"I could never hate you, Juice."

He closed his eyes, a tear was itching in the corner of his eye. Would she repeat those words if she knew about Cherry? Would she be able to forgive him? Could they leave their misery behind and start over? He wanted it – he wanted it so badly, but he was too afraid that her love had its boundaries, or that  _another dead_ would simply extinguish her love. 

It was silent for a while. Juice kept holding her, taking in her warmth, making him wish he could sit with her like this forever. 

"It's a peaceful place. You mind if I show it to Charley one day? So she can say goodbye to her sister?"

The idea that someone else would know about this place gave him a tight feeling in the chest, but at the same time he realized he owed the girl a goodbye. 

"Does she know?" he whispered. "That I killed her sister?"

"No. I told her Maddox got her eliminated."

She stood up, their fingers lacing as they descended the hill and walked along the shore. "You ever been here with Fye?" Dana asked after a while.

He shook his head. "I never came back after scattering the ashes. Although I did tell her about Lotte a few days ago." He cast his glance at the ground. "So that she knows what I'm capable of. But she wanted to stay with me nevertheless."

"She truly loves you," Dana said softly. 

"I know." He sighed. "But for me... she still feels like a distraction." He felt his cheeks glow as he confessed it to her. "Not at first. But ever since you're back... You help me heal, Dane. She – she helps me to feel better, but it's never permanent."

Dana was silent for a while. "You think you want to stay with her? Were you... serious before I came back? You know... making plans for the future?"

"I don't know," he muttered. "I never looked that much ahead."

She laughed quietly. "I remember different things, with all your drunk talks about all the kids you wanted to have with me."

The corners of his mouth curled up, even though thinking about his little girl made him feel sad. "Losing a child... that changes a person."

Dana looked up. "You think you never want another kid?"

He pulled up his shoulders. "I've never really thought about it. I don't know if I could handle it. With my OCD  _and_ PTSD? I think I'll drive myself and my partner crazy with my panic attacks. I don't think I'd be a good father."

"All you have to do to be a good father, is love your child Juice. Then you're already a better father than ours." She gave him an encouraging squeeze. 

When a silence fell, he thought about his relationship with Fye. Would she want kids? If he didn't want them – what did that mean for their relationship? Would she leave him? Give up her dreams for him? They'd never talked about it.

"You want to try to be a normal family with Casper and Kip?" he asked after a while as he started to wonder why she'd brought the subject up. 

"Maybe," she said. "It would be good for Casper. Kip wants it too..." She didn't look at him. 

"And you? Do you want it?" His voice was barely audible. 

"Yeah, I think so. In time."

She was still avoiding his glance, which made him doubt. She never avoided his eyes. Was she lying? Would she rather have him back? Didn't she dare to express her longing because she was afraid that he would turn her down  _again_? After all, that was what he was doing all this time. 

There was a tense silence as they continued their walk around the lake. In Juice's head the chaos had returned. As they sat down in the sand a little later, both staring in the distance, he decided to cautiously discover if a relationship between them was really impossible. 

"You ever wondered what happened to Cherry?" 

He was such a hypocrite for asking the question, and it was even dangerous because she always saw through him so easily. Dana however assumed he wanted to change the subject.

"I think about her a lot." Dana wrapped her arms around her knees. "Often I wish she'd return to the clubhouse. I just want to let her know that I get her. I've faced the same horrible dilemma, when I had to choose between Opie and his kids. Somehow... I just want her to realize that. I miss her." She let out a shaky sigh. "I actually miss her a lot. I hope... I just hope she's happy and that I will see her back one day."

Juice bent his head, trying to banish the tears from his eyes. As well as she understood his situation with Lotte, he was sure the knowledge of what had happened to Cherry would destroy her. He had no choice but to let her go. His only consolation was that he knew Kip would treat her well. 

 

 

 


	99. Fye

Because Juice had some club business to do, Fye had taken Mikey to a large playground. At an adjacent outdoor cafe she'd met up with Amy. In the sun and with a steaming cup of coffee in front of them, the two women watched the two boys enjoying themselves with the playground equipment. Mikey always seemed to perk up around Eddy, Amy's son. Life wasn't simple for the little boy, with a mother in jail, a father with a restraining order and an uncle who shoved the responsibility for the kid towards someone else. 

"How are things between Kozik and you?" she asked Amy. 

The woman shrugged her shoulders, staring into the dark liquid. Amy had told her what Juice had said to her, about Kozik and Dana. The woman had been very shocked when Kozik had admitted that he had feelings for a fourteen year old girl when he was twenty-nine himself, and that he had even acted on it.

Fye had a hard time believing it – Kozik was such a sweetheart. Furthermore it was over fifteen years ago, a very long time. Amy however struggled with it, which she understood. Fye herself however was together with a man who had killed two young women, so her standards and values were much different than Amy's. Juice had gone through a lot, although that didn't justify his deeds. Nevertheless, she loved him. 

"Not much has changed," Amy sighed. She raked a hand through her purple red hair. "I just have a hard time trusting him. In the beginning I had no trouble with that; I thought that they were just friends. But after what Juice told me..." She pressed her lips together. "Dana's such a beautiful girl, she could be a model. And she's so nice and sweet... I just can't think of a reason why he  _wouldn't_ fall for her."

Fye reached over the table and laid her hand upon Amy's. "It's because he loves  _you._ " She waited until the woman looked up. "Our men... they can get lots of beautiful girls – the clubhouse is filled with them. The fact that they  _don't_ want these girls, but rather stay with us, says a lot."

"I know... But my insecurities always come back. My ex cheated on me so many times, he told me so many times it had been the last time... I find it really hard to trust a man again. I just have this strong feeling that something would have happened between those two if it wasn't for me, and that he will forget about his relationship with me if I'm not often enough around him."

Fye understood her worries, especially because of her history with her ex. "But you  _are_ around, Amy, and he's crazy about you."

The woman stared at the table top. "Sometimes I wish Dana had never came back. I hate myself for thinking things like that, but I can't help it. I just have the feeling we were both happier without her."

Fye bit her lip. That thought plagued her too now and then, although she would never dare to say it out loud. It felt so mean, especially because Dana had been in hell. 

"Would you feel more comfortable with it if she wouldn't live with Kozik anymore? She has a job now, it won't take long before she'll start to look for an own place to live. But if you believe things are taking too long, you should share your concerns with her. Maybe she can live with her brother for a while, or with Kip."

Amy shrugged her shoulders. "I find it hard. Then I would admit that I doesn't trust Kozik, while I know it's because of my past."

"I'm sure Dana will understand. There's just too much on her head for her to notice the tension herself."

"If she has so much on her plate, I don't want to make things more difficult for her."

Fye bent her head. She always shared her concerns with the girl. She was even the only one who knew about her pregnancy, and Dana had even promised her to try to find out how Juice thought about kids. It was so easy to leave things like that to Dana, but it felt very self-indulgent. As if she was using Dana to save her own relationship with Juice.

"Maybe I can push her a bit," she told Amy. "I'll just ask her how she thinks about living with Kip for a while. After all, he's the father of her child. Maybe she also feels the tension, but is too afraid to ask Kip."

Fye knew her friend considered to start dating Kip again. An idea Fye was very supportive of, especially because Dana would start to build a future – a future without Juice. Once she had taken that step, she thought it would also be easier for Juice to move on – to move on with her. 

* * *

When Juice got home later that day, flopping down on the couch and pulling her in his arms, she knew immediately that he'd been lying to her. 

"The club wasn't the reason you weren't home today!" She shoved away from him, giving him an angry look. "Why are you lying to me, Juice? You think I won't know when you've been with her? There are a hundred things giving the truth away! Why did you have to go secretly? I thought we were open about this!"

He bent his head. "Dana told me you found it hard. That we are spending time. I didn't want you to feel bad about it..."

"So you tell me lies?! If we can't even be honest with each other anymore, how will this relationship ever last? If there's still a relationship to talk about at all! For it's a long time since you've acted like my boyfriend!"

The sudden frustration overwhelmed Fye; tears jumped into her eyes. Was it because of the hormones? Could that happen, in such an early stage?

"Maybe I'm just a fool for keep trying, while it's so obvious that you want  _her!_ " She started to sob. Wildly she wiped her eyes, but she couldn't stop the tears. "I can't do this anymore Juice. Our relationship doesn't feel like a relationship anymore. You don't want to make love to me anymore, and now you even lie right into my face."

"I do want to make love to you." His voice sounded soft, calm, as if he had finally sorted out his thoughts. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I just – I just didn't want to cause you more pain." He took her hand and looked her in the eye. "I know that I've been a terrible boyfriend, and that you're getting tired of my apologies. But Dana and I had a really good talk today and... and I've accepted that we can never get back what we've lost. Yeah, we could try to start over... but we both believe a friendship would be better for us. She wants to build a future with Kip... and I want a future with you." He leaned into her, cupping her jaw with his hand. "I know my head was a mess the past days, but I love you Fye. I love you."

Fye dropped her eyes. By now she didn't know what to believe anymore. It wasn't the first time he said that. His face came closer, with his forehead he leaned against hers. "I don't know if you want to give me  _another_ chance... but if you do... then kiss me."

His warm voice made her shiver. She felt his breathing brushing her lips. Although she knew this would probably lead to  _another_ disappointment, she couldn't turn her face away. She longed for his touch, for his love. Her lips stroked his, and a relieved sigh escaped his lips. His hand moved to her neck as he kissed her back. 

The kiss became fiercer, the desire born again. She let out a yelp as he lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom. She had never seen the boyish grin on his lips before, calling up a new heat inside her. He laid her on her back and bent over her to kiss her. Her hands glided underneath his shirt, caressing his muscular torso. A sigh slipped her lips as his lips wandered down her neck; every little movement intensifying the goosebumps on her arms. She pulled his shirt over his head, hers followed. 

His eyes searched for hers. "I've missed you." The longing in his voice didn't escape her attention. "I've missed this."

"Me too," she answered, her cheeks flushing. 

His thumb stroked her bottom lip. It felt as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he stayed silent. After unhooking her bra, he started to lavish her chest with kisses, his lips around her nipple making her back arch. She touched for the buckle of his pants, but he pushed her back into the mattress and looked down at her with a smirk warming her to her core.

"Let me do the work." Again he kissed her breasts, and lower. As his lips wandered across her stomach, she held her breath. Although there was no bump visible, she was still afraid he would notice the new life inside her. When he descended further down, a new tension was added. She lifted her hips from the bed so he could peel off her pants. Immediately his fingers and lips glided across the exposed skin, until he reached her panties. His fingers slid across the wet fabric and she moaned softly in sweet anticipation. His fingertips slightly brushed her thighs as he rolled down her panties, then they moved to the throbbing warmth between her legs. They glided through her excitement and she closed her eyes as his finger circled around her nub while his lips were moving up from her knee to her groin. To give himself a little more space, he shoved his hands underneath her buttocks and pulled her to the edge of the bed. There he went down on his knees, pushing her legs apart. Fye raised herself a little, watching how his lips moved closer and closer to her groin. She was shaking with pleasure as his tongue glided through her heat, calm and purposefully, like he knew exactly what effects the pressure of his tongue caused. By giving her clit a hard suck, he elicited a deep moan from her lips. Every time he held back or changed his tongue for his fingers, she made objecting noises, tilting her pelvis desperately. 

"Juice..." she moaned when his teasing drove her to madness. "I wanna feel you inside me."

Instead of giving in, he started to kiss her. His hands shoved upwards, caressing her breasts until Fye was panting with need. As she reached for his belt again, he gave in and pulled down his pants and boxers in one movement. His hand disappeared between her legs again as he caressed her, while his other hand opened the drawer of his nightstand to take out a condom. 

On a whim Fye wanted to tell him they didn't need one, but as if he didn't want to hear any other sound than her moans, two of his fingers glided deep inside her. He thrust them in and out a few times, until all thoughts in her head silenced. A few torturing seconds his fingers were gone, then he crawled on top of her and positioned himself between her legs. Their lips melted, her hands gliding across his warm back as she bent her knees. For a moment he searched for the right angle, then she felt his hard length pressing against her entrance. Her fingers curled around her pillow while he pushed himself deeper inside her. Giving her some time to adjust to the feeling, his fingers entangled in her hair and he looked at her while he started to move his hips. 

"I love you," he whispered. "I love you Fye."

And right there, on that moment, she believed him.

 


	100. Dana

Dana put the key in the lock and entered the house. She had gone to the movies with Fye, where after they had a drink in a bar. For what had felt like the first time in years, she had flirted a bit. She had even gotten a number, although she didn't plan to call it. The guy hadn't been  _that_ great, he had been fun for one evening.

Fye had also been in the right mind. A month had passed since the girl had told her about her pregnancy. Juice still didn't know. Dana was pushing her to tell him, but every time the conversation went into that direction, Fye panicked. Things were good now between them, she didn't want to risk it. The fact that she couldn't hide it forever and that Juice would get hurt if he discovered the truth himself, just didn't seem to land. 

Dana hoped things were really going as good as Fye claimed, but the fact that she didn't dare to tell her boyfriend about the baby made her doubt. Dana and Juice met at least once a week, although he came to talk to her in the clubhouse more and more often. She still longed for him. Every time their hands bumped she started to glow and ever when he was around, she searched for his eyes, and that magical smile of him was still able to lift her right into heaven. The fact that her feelings didn't go away, scared her a little. She however wasn't hundred percent sure if it was because of him or if she just missed having a boyfriend; someone to cuddle up to on the couch, to hold in her sleep. Her feelings for Kip were still present as well, but they were always more controlled and felt... more mature, less impetuous. 

Dana froze in the doorway to the living room when she saw Kozik; slumped down on the couch, two empty bottles on the coffee table. He wasn't the type of person who got drunk without a reason, and worried she walked over to him. 

"Koz? What happened?"

He stared at her, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. 

Dana sat down next to him, wrapped an arm around his shoulders and leaned with her head against his. "You're in a fight with Amy again?"

"It's over... She broke up with me."

"What?" She stared at him with wide eyes. 

Again, he shrugged. He put his foot on the table, knocking over an empty bottle. Dana leaned forward to catch it before it could hit the floor and shoved it out of Kozik's reach. Kozik leaned against her, sighing. She had never seen him drunk, but he obviously became more clingy and he wasn't the smallest.

"What happened Koz? Why did she break up? Not because of me, right?"

"Yeah... Because of you.... Because... because you're so pretty."

"I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, okay? I'll tell her I'm moving out, I'll find another place to live. I don't wanna be the cause of your break-up... you two are so cute together."

"But what if she's right Dane? What if you're the one I want?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she answered, shaking her head and knowing that it was the alcohol speaking now. "You love her."

"Yeah... I think I love her."

She sat up a little straighter, pushing her shoulder against her friend, hoping he would recover his balance. 

"But she says that I love you... And I can't love two women, right? That's impossible. No... that's impossible." He turned a bit more towards her, so he was leaning against the backrest instead of her shoulder. With eyes glazing over he stared at her. 

"You two will be alright," Dana told him. "Tomorrow I will leave, I'll ask Kip if I can stay at his place for a while. That's easier for Casper too."

He kept staring at her. "You're sweet, Dane. You're way too sweet." He laid a heavy hand on her knee. She was wearing a sundress which didn't cover her knee; his hand was warm and sticky, as if he had spilled his last gulps of booze. Although this wasn't the first time he laid a hand on her knee, it felt more compelling this time and it made her feel uncomfortable. 

"I'm going to bed," she said. 

Maybe it was harsh to leave him here alone after he'd just been dumped, but if he was as drunk as he was now, she couldn't imagine she would be of great help. 

"Yeah... Think I should do that too." He took his arm away. Wobbly he stood up, losing his balance and almost falling on top of her. He chuckled sheepishly. 

It hurt to see her best friend like this. He had always been so stable, for years he had been there for everyone and now he had broken down himself she didn't know how to help him. 

"Come, let me help you to get to your room," she said as he stumbled over the coffee table. She wrapped an arm around his waist and shuffled to his room. Her back ached because he was so leaning so heavily on her.  _Just a few more steps,_ she encouraged herself.

In relief, she let go of him. Immediately he lost his balance. His hand had been lying loosely on her hip, but his grasp tightened now so they both fell on the mattress. 

Kozik chuckled. "Now... now she's gonna explode. Now you've really been in my bed." He rolled on his side. "Ain't she mean, Dane? Have I ever done anything to earn her distrust? Maybe I should... Maybe I should give her a reason not to trust me. Then I... Maybe I feel better then."

"You better go to sleep Koz." She sat up. Right when she wanted to get up, he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. 

"Ow," she grunted as the sudden tug made her shoulder sting. "Let me go."

He ignored her. Instead, he pulled her on top of him, by which her dress rolled up. He clenched one arm around her back, the other glided up across her legs until he reached her ass. 

"Kozik, knock it off!" Her voice cracked.

For a moment she thought he was going to loosen his grasp, but instead he rolled her over and kept lying on top of her. "If she doesn't want to trust me... then I'm going to give her a reason not to trust me."

"Well not with me!!"

He pressed his lips against hers. Dana turned her head aside and tried to push him off her. When she couldn't, she grabbed a handful of his blond hair and yanked back his head. He grunted, grabbed her wrist and pushed it against the mattress. 

"You fucked that asshole for more than two years. Voluntarily. So why are you struggling now? Am I worse than him? I don't think so. If you can love him, you can love me too, you've always loved me. You want this just as badly, this has been coming for weeks!" He pushed her face to the side so he could kiss her neck, with his other hand he pulled down the bodice of her dress, exposing her bra. 

The moment he did so, she knew that he was too far gone to come to his senses by talking. She was almost blindsided by a defeated peace, as had happened to her when Maddox was raping her while she had to protect the baby. Nevertheless she fought the resignation. Those days were over! Maddox was dead! This was never going to happen to her again! 

As his lips crashed down on hers again, she bit as hard as she could. She didn't let go, kept pulling and biting, even when she tasted blood. He let go of her wrist and immediately she grabbed the lamp on the nightstand, hitting his head with it. 

"Get off me!!" she yelled. "Get the fuck off me!!!"

It was a mixture of faces she was seeing, a mix of fingers clawing in her skin. She smelled the alcohol that had turned her friend into an animal, but she also thought to smell a hint of Maddox's sweet perfume. She started to cry while she kept hitting his head with the lamp. Kozik warded the blows off with his arm, grabbed the thing and threw it away. 

As he looked her in the eye again, he just stared at her. She didn't know what did it; her tears or the hits with the lamp, but he finally seemed to come to his senses and rolled off her.

Dana jumped off the bed and ran away from him. Sobbing she headed outside and started to run. She didn't care where she would end up, as long as she was away from him.

* * *

She could barely stand any longer on her feet. She had ran the whole end, she got a stitch in her side. With a pounding heart and cheeks that were still soaked with tears she stared at the front door. 

It was in the middle of the night. Would she ring the bell or not?


	101. Dana

 

Even though there was nothing she wanted more than being held by him, Dana knew she couldn't ring the bell. Not only because she had stepped back from him since'd learned about the baby he was expecting. The two could still comfort her, offer her safety. Juice could just be her friend, holding her without crossing the borders of friendship. What really kept her from walking closer to that door, was the fact that Juice would lose his mind. He already hated Kozik; if he figured out what Kozik had done, he would forget about all the horrible things he had done himself when he was drunk. He would go straight to Kozik's house and kill him. 

And obviously, she didn't want her best friend to die. 

She was sure that Kozik would feel horrible the next morning; he needed no help with that. He was her best friend, his relationship had just ended... He had drank too much, had done things that were really wrong but nobody else needed to interfere. This was something they had to solve together and since Kozik was – when sober – always calm and understanding, she knew they would work things out. 

Dana turned away from the house. There was another place she could go to, and after a ten minute walk she found herself in front of the door behind which her own future might lie. Kip wasn't as short-tempered as Juice or her brother; he wouldn't defend Kozik but he would neither go to him in the middle of the night to beat his head to pulp. He was more stable –  _he_ was what she needed right now. 

Still she was nervous as she pressed the door bell. Going to Juice had been her first instinct; something that had felt natural. There had been countless times he had comforted her, that he had hold her until she had calmed down. Kip had done that a hundred times too, but it still felt different. They only had each other, both being a victim of the same person. Even though their feelings had been real, she knew those never would have grown without Maddox's actions and somehow it made their love feel unhealthy. Maybe he felt that too, even though he couldn't remember anything.

The door opened. Kip was only wearing boxers and his blond hair looked messy; apparently he'd already been asleep.

"Hey," he said, his voice sleepy. He studied her face.

When she failed to tell him what had happened, he took her hand and gently pulled her inside. Leading her to the couch, he helped her to sit down without letting go of her hand, his thumb stroking her skin in a soothing way. 

"You're so cold," he said softly. "I'll run the bath and make you some tea."

His caring nature made her blush. She had expected him to ask her all sorts of questions, but not a single one slipped his lips. She listened to his footsteps as they went from the bathroom to the kitchen, until he returned with a steaming cup of tea. Gratefully, she took the cup from him. 

Dana stared into the dark fluid wishing Kip would wrap his arms around her, but he kept his distance. Instead, he told her how Casper had helped him cook and how they had made a puzzle together. 

"I even had a memory when I put him to bed." His voice sounded warm and together with his enthusiasm, it made her smile. 

"What kind of memory?"

"A lullaby my mom used to sing for me. I met her... but she never felt like my mom. Now – now she does." He paused for a while. "I taught Casper the song. It's  _You are my sunshine_. I... I liked teaching him something." 

His eyes flashed to the side, as if he wasn't sure whether she wanted her son to learn things from his dad. But that was exactly what she wanted. The thought that Kip had missed two years of his son's life still made her sad and she could only hope that he could catch up. This however sounded like a beautiful start.

She drank her tea until Kip got up to see if the bath was filled.

"There's a blue towel for you," he said as he returned. "Is there something else I can do? Maybe a glass of wine?" His cheeks flushed. "It's so stupid that I can't remember how you used to relax."

"Well this sounds perfect," she winked. She stood up, placing her cup on the table. "I would actually like a glass of wine. Just bring it to the bathroom if you don't mind."

In the bathroom she stripped off her clothes and lowered herself in the bathtub. There was a lot of soapy water, hiding most of her body. Nevertheless Kip knocked on the door instead of just walking in. 

"I got your wine..." he said. "I – I don't know if I can come in or if you're already..."

His voice trailed off. Dana laughed softly. She knew his confidence had suffered from his memory loss and although it was kinda cute, she hoped he would feel a little more himself soon. 

"You can come in."

She almost wanted to add that there was nothing he hadn't seen before, but she swallowed the words, knowing he didn't remember all those times. The door was opened and the man entered the room. His cheeks flushed the moment he saw her. Except for her face and arms there wasn't much to see, but he still didn't know where to look. 

He put the glass down on the edge of the bath, close to her feet. 

"Why don't you get yourself a glass of wine and join me?" she asked.

"Umm..." He rubbed his neck and stared at the floor. 

"You don't have to, Kip," she said quietly. "It's really okay if you don't, I know our relationship is a bit strange. But I would like it. If you would like it too."

Skittishly he looked up. For a moment he seemed to be in conflict with himself, then he nodded, muttering he was going to get himself a glass. 

Warm tinglings glided down her arms, and suddenly the whole drama with Kozik didn't seem to matter anymore. She smiled at him when he stepped into the room again, putting his glass next to hers. With a brief movement, he took off his boxers. The way he was holding his arm, showed her he was trying to hide his mutilated manhood, filling her with pity. 

"You never felt ashamed of your injury," she said, his eyes focused on his. "On the contrary..." She laughed briefly. "You know how you introduced yourself to me – and to many others? You told me your name was Half Sack, and the moment I raised my eyebrows you shamelessly lowered your pants to show me the reason of your nickname, telling some heroic story about your time in Irak. I guess the girls liked it," she chuckled. 

Kip looked down for a moment as if he tried to imagine himself being successful with girls. Dana noticed he didn't know what to answer and shoved forward to create some space in the bathtub for him. Water splashed as he sat down behind her. The moment she could no longer see his nakedness, he seemed to relax a bit. As he moved his legs between hers and the side of the bath, she leaned back until her back was resting against his chest. After a short hesitation he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her shoulder.

Dana closed her eyes, just enjoying the moment for a while. She noticed how her body relaxed, and Kip also seemed to feel a little more comfortable. 

"This was an amazing idea," she sighed. "I can get used to this." Her hands glided across his, he'd spread his fingers innocently across her stomach. She reached forward, took the glasses of wine and gave one to Kip before she snuggled up to him.

Sipping the sweet drink, she laced the fingers of her other hand with Kip's. She hoped he would pick up on the hint, but like probably every man he didn't notice. Since she didn't want to ruin the moment, she just kept leaning against him until their glasses were empty. Kip wrapped his arms around her again. Slowly his fingertips stroked her stomach, higher and higher until his thumbs were brushing the underside of her breasts. Dana bit her lip, it felt like a lifetime ago that someone had touched her like this. Turning her head to the side, she kissed his shoulder to encourage him to go on. His rough hands glided higher, hugging her breasts. The sudden tight grasp made her gasp. His stubble scraped the skin of her shoulder and neck as he started to kiss it. When he took his sensitive nipples between thumb and forefinger and gently tugged on them, she sighed softly. Closing her eyes, she aimed her full attention to his caresses, wishing his fingers would move down again. Eventually they did, although not as far down as she wanted; instead they settled on her stomach. 

"You feel a little better?" he asked softly. 

"Better than I had ever imagined when I rang the doorbell," she muttered. "Thank you for this."

Crossing her arms, she stroked his arms with her fingertips, as far as she could reach. In the meantime she tried to gather courage to tell him what was in her heart, but she decided to postpone it until they were no longer in bath, so she could at least look him in the eye to get a glimpse of what was going on in his head once she told him what had happened.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they were lying in his bed. Although Dana felt a strong longing to kiss him and feel his hands all over her body, she controlled herself. In the glow of the night-light she saw how Kip was studying her face. He had been patient and she was grateful to him, but she also understood that he wanted to know why she'd come to his house in the middle of the night. She laced his fingers with hers while she raised herself on her elbow. 

She sighed softly. "Amy broke up with Kozik," she started. "He was drunk when I came home, he's heartbroken." She paused, wondering if she really needed to tell him  _everything_. For some reason, she did. "He was... clingy. I helped him to go to bed since he couldn't stand straight anymore. But then... He pulled me on his bed. Kissed my neck, rolled on top of me... grabbed for my breasts..." She dropped her eyes. "Said I could easily fuck him since I'd fucked Maddox voluntarily too..." 

A tear itched down her cheek. Despite the knowledge that he hadn't meant what he had said, his words hurt. Especially because she had felt so ashamed of her feelings for Ruben. Kozik had convinced her that it was normal, but today's snark gave her the feeling he had only said so to make her feel better.

"I hit him with a lamp before he could do anything else. When he came to his senses, I ran away."

Dana had no doubts that Juice would have fired all curses he knew, before convincing her it would never happen again and storming out of the house. Kip however stayed calm. His thumb stroked across hers and only when she looked up, he gave a verbal reaction. 

"Did it call up bad memories?"

Dana thought about the flashes of Maddox's face that she had seen, his perfume she had smelled. "Yes," she said, her voice shaking. Wiping her eyes, she snuggled up closer to him. Instead of surrendering to the anger he had to feel, he completely focused on her feelings. As he noticed that she didn't shy away from his touch, he pulled her to his chest, his lips touching her forehead. 

"Maddox is gone," Kip said, holding her tight. "What Kozik did was wrong, but I'm sure he will be madder at himself than anyone else can ever be." He raked a hand through her hair. "You felt unsafe around him before?"

"No, never," she muttered. "I don't believe he longed for me before tonight. But Amy is so insecure about herself... she's convinced he can't live with me without wanting to sleep with me... and when he was drunk, her words must have gotten into his head making him wonder if she could be true." She sighed softly. "You know, I was shocked, although not much happened in the end. It's just... I can't stay there, Kip. They broke up because of me, because I forced myself upon them – at least that's what Amy believes." She was silent for a while, then she looked up to him. "I hoped... I hoped I could stay here for a while. With you. With Casper."

His blue eyes looked straight into hers. He didn't speak, he just looked at her while his fingers were stroking her hair. 

"I know I can live her for a while. But I... I hope I can stay here more permanently. You knew exactly what I needed tonight, Kip. I... I want that every night. I wanna soak in the tub with you, drink a glass of wine on the balcony with you, listen as you sing our son a lullaby,  I wanna be held by you during the night..." She took his hand, pressing it briefly against her lips before she continued: "I love Juice. I know that, and I don't think that will ever change. I also know I have to let him go. Fye and he are expecting a child – which he doesn't know yet – and it feels... it feels like the last push I needed. He has to concentrate on his family and I don't want to ruin that. And I – I wanna focus on my family too. And I want that – I want that with the one I created this family with. The father of my child, the person who supported me in two of the darkest years of my life... the one of which I believe can give me everything I need – and the other way around. You don't have to respond on all this right now, I just hope... you want to consider it. Building a serious future with me."

His hand left her hair and stroked her cheek. "I want that future, Dana. Since the moment you stood in front of my door I wanted you. I lost everything, all my memories, all my feelings... but somehow my love for you has remained and if you really think you're ready to let Juice go, I believe you and I will support you."

Tears stung in her eyes because of so many sweet words. She didn't wipe them away, but let them glide down as she kissed him tenderly. 

Her hand moved across his chest as he kissed her back. His fingers moved a bit as well, but it felt like he didn't dare to surrender completely to his passion. For a moment she broke the kiss so she could look him in the eye. 

"Make love to me," she whispered. "Since Maddox died, nobody made love to me. My life started over and I... I want you to be my first." She read the hesitation in his eyes and felt a sting of disappointment in her stomach. She dropped her eyes. Maybe he didn't  _really_ want her, maybe...

"I wanna be your first," he said as if he sensed her pain. He laid a hand against her cheek and lifted her face. "I just find it hard... because I can't remember our previous times. I don't know what you like... what you don't like. What do you want? I mean – how do you want..." Sighing, he looked away. 

Again, his words made her emotional. She stroked the hairs on his cheek. "I want you to be the one in control, to guide me; do whatever feels good. I want to relinquish control..." She bit her lip. "I have to learn to trust my lover again and with you – with you I can. I trust you, Kip." Softly, she pressed kisses to his bottom lip. "Just trust yourself too, baby."

 


	102. Kip

Trusting himself... that was exactly his struggle. His body failed him for a while now, and he was afraid it would happen again this time.

Her fingertips danced across his cheek and he closed his eyes, even the simplest touch resonated through his whole body. He tried to relax, but when her fingers traced the lines of his face he knew he was still tense.

She turned a little, leaning with one arm on his chest while her lips brushed his. "I can take the lead too if you want? What – what do you need baby?"

He raised himself on his elbows and peeked at his waist. His dick was a bit swollen, but he didn't exactly stand upright. Ashamed, he dropped his eyes. It was better to tell her, before she would be unpleasantly surprised by it.

"I'm not sure I can," he muttered.

"You mean trusting yourself? What are you afraid of? That you will hurt me?" She raised his chin and looked him in the eye. Her blue eyes radiated so much love it made him shiver.

"No," he mumbled. "It's just... since I lost my memory, I've barely done it. Umm..." He dropped his eyes. "Most times I can't. Get it up, I mean. Sometimes I can for a while, but halfway..." He sighed. He felt so ashamed he tempted to cover himself. What man of his age wasn't able to get an erection? Especially with a girl like that naked next to him?

"You ever been to a doctor?" she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders. He even felt too ashamed to visit a doctor. He didn't want anyone to know, the girls with whom he had tried, he had begged to keep his incompetence to themselves.

"Maybe it will get better with me. You don't want a simple fuck; we want to become intimate because we love each other. And it's all right if you can't, Kip." She raked a hand through his hair, holding his glance. "You've been through a major trauma. Maybe the memories are gone, but the pain is still inside your body and now you can no longer rely on your own mind, things only became worse. It's nothing but logical sweetheart, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. There are lots of men suffering from erectile dysfunction."

Lifting his hand, he stroked her cheek. She was so special, always so understanding... "I love you," he whispered. "Dana I love you so much..."

His voice trembled. There weren't many things he was sure of, not many emotions he trusted, but he was damn sure of these words.

"I love you too. And I will show you how much."

She came upright and climbed over him. Leaning into him, she kissed him softly while her fingertips caressed his chest. Her tongue was sweet and soft, and she made his own tongue vibrate in a magical way. Moving one hand upwards, he laced his fingers with her hair, with his other hand he cupped her breast. Softly, he squeezed.

Slowly, her lips descended further down, kissing his neck, his shoulders, chest and stomach. As he realized where she was heading to, he panicked. Apparently his breathing gave away how stressed he felt, for she looked up.

"Relax my love. Just enjoy my caresses. I like to kiss you like this, even when you're not getting a hard one. Close your eyes, try to clear your head and just concentrate on what you feel. Okay?"

He nodded, then he closed his eyes. Without looking at her, he followed the touches of her lips; she kissed his lower abdomen, his thighs, his groins.

His breathing faltered when her fingers stroked the length of his member. When he felt her lips there too, he held his breath.

"Calm down baby," she said. "You're beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful."

She laid her hand around his dick, holding it calmly, like she wanted him to get used to her touch. Not long after that, small kisses followed. His muscles contracted and he felt himself grow. As his breathing sped up, he opened his eyes for a moment.

Her long hair was hanging down in front of her face, the tips tickling his skin. He reached forward, stroking the strands to the side so he could watch her. She looked up and smiled, a smile that made the blood rush through his veins.

"Watch me," she said. "Watch how much I love the taste of you."

Her hand started to pull at him. Her touch was... different from anything he had ever felt before. So tender, so patient. He wondered how it would be to enter her, to melt together, to move like they were one body, breath like one mouth; sighing, moaning...

His member started to twitch, becoming more and more sensitive. As he glanced at it, he noticed he had almost reached his full potential. Dana exposed the head, first pressing kisses against it, kisses that became more and more wet. Then, her whole mouth glided around it, and she licked and sucked him.

His chest heaved up and down, it felt like his limbs felt heavier. Her hand glided to his ball; she only caressed the intact one.

She raised her head. "You like this?" Her other hand stroked up and down his stiff member, as if she was trying to keep it heated.

"Yeah." He was slightly panting. "Go – Go on."

His words made his cheeks flush; he didn't like to order her around. Her eyes however were sparkling, and he sat up a little straighter so he could bury his hand in her hair, being able to feel how her head bobbed up and down as she took him inside his mouth again. Her warmth made him all shaky; the caresses of his tongue making his toes curl. His breathing fell heavier, a moan slipping his lips as she sucked a little harder. Then he slipped out of her mouth; now it was only the tip of her tongue tracing the slid, making him almost burst in want.

He wanted more – more of her.

She laid her hands on his chest and crawled closer to him. "You wanna feel how wet I am?" There was a playful sparkle in her eyes, even a bit mischievous.

He didn't know why he hesitated, but it took some time before he pulled back his hand from her hair and moved it down across her body, until he reached her heat. His fingers glided through the slick, and she gasped at the feel of his touch. A few times he stroked her crevice, then he slipped two fingers inside her, his thumb teasing her nub.

"Fuck yes," she whispered as he slowly thrust inside her until he reached the limit. His cock was throbbing, screaming for attention. She moved her hips, moaning softly, the sounds making all kinds of strong feelings flame up.

"I want you," he panted. "I want you Dana."

"Take me," she whispered. "Come on baby, let me feel you inside me."

She whimpered as he retreated his fingers and he pecked her lips while reaching for his nightstand to get a condom. Once they were safe, he rolled Dana on her back. His lips glided across her neck, across her breasts while he lowered himself between her legs. Her skin tasted salty, felt clammy; he tasted her longing for him. When he could no longer control himself, he raised his head and gave her a very light kiss. She kissed him back, her hands moving across his back and settling on his hips.

He broke the kiss as he pushed himself inside her, looking into her eyes. Very slowly he demanded more and more from her. After giving her some time to adjust, he pulled back and filled her again.

Sucking in her breath, she stared into his eyes, hers full of longing. Her fingers wandered through his hairs. "This is amazing baby," she whispered. She bent one knee, changing the angle a bit as he picked up the pace. "Yeah... yeah exactly like this baby. Oh fuck... yeah right there," she encouraged him, her eyes closed while she panted and moaned while kissing and gently biting his neck.

Kip felt how her walls clenched around him, increasing the friction. Dana felt it too, she squirmed underneath him, her moans high and... beautiful, just beautiful.

"Fuck," he muttered as he started to shake. She arched her back, her mouth dropping open, eyes closed. She surrendered to her pleasure, her body jolting against his, her heels digging in the mattress as she pressed her waist closer to his.

And then, he came too. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he relinquished control. Tinglings spread through his body, heat taking over his skin. An intense feeling expanded from his waist, reaching up to his fingertips and toes, rolling over him like a the tidal wave. Slowly, the feeling died away.

Panting, he rolled off her. She snuggled up into his arms, kissing his chest.

They both took the time to recover. Once he controlled his breathing again, he looked up to Dana.

She smiled. "And? You think you can get used to this?"

With his hand he glided across her side. He felt satisfied, felt like a man again. She had given him so much this night. Her body, her trust, his confidence, and so much more. "Yeah, think that will work," he said with a slight grin.

"Good." She snuggled up closer to him. "Does that mean... we're together now?"

Kip stroked her hair. He wanted it – her being his. He however knew there was someone else who considered her as his.

"I guess." He hesitated. "But before we tell the others, I need to talk to Juice."

Dana looked at him. "Are you going to talk to him, or shall I? Or together?"

"I." He raked his fingers through hair, then they slipped down her neck and breast. "I gotta be the one. I need to talk to him, man-to-man."

He read the doubts in her eyes, and he understood; he remembered all too well how he attacked Kozik. But he wanted to do this the right way, in a decent way, and not behind his brother's back.

"I got this Dane." He kissed her lips. "Trust me."

 


	103. Juice

Juice stared at the ground while inhaling the smoke. His head felt full, but his thoughts seem to blur and he wasn't able to distinguish them. He felt... Heavy. Tired. Lethargic. Not nearly as peaceful as he'd hoped. Maybe it was because of the text he received an hour ago. Sack had asked him to come to the clubhouse a little earlier. It was no rocket science to know what he wanted to talk about: Dana. 

The thought of his girl made his stomach cringe. With a deep sigh he tried to keep the tears at bay while rubbing the ink below his thumb. He missed her. God he missed her so much. 

At home things went okay; whenever Fye was around he somehow managed to control his thoughts, but once he was alone it was always Dana he thought about.

He raised his head a little and stroked the wood of the picknick table. A little more to the left; there had she been sitting, that night he told her the attack on Maddox had failed because of which the guys had been arrested. He had stood across from her, caressing her hair, pulling her close. He could still hear her angry words; that she had warned them, that nobody valued her words. The fight that had followed was burnt into his memory. In the end he had rushed away, full of anger. Later that night she had surprised him by entering his room in a hot grey dress. That night, they completely surrendered to each other for the first time. He closed his eyes, trying to remember how her touch felt, how her sighs sounded, how she tasted. He couldn't remember. It felt like it had never happened, as if it was just a fantasy, one from a long time ago.

As a bike pulled up the lot, he sat up straighter. The moment his brother got off his bike, his back towards Juice, he briefly wiped his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to man up. Dropping the butt of his cigarette, he lit a new one to keep himself busy. 

"Hey." Sack sat down next to him. 

Juice nodded. 

"Thanks for meeting me before work starts."

Juice studied his face. He looked nervous, but he also looked different in another way. The look in his eyes was bright, his lips curled into a slight smile. And Juice smelled – her. Dana. 

"You fucked her," he concluded. His voice sounded cold – he  _felt_ cold. 

Sack bent his head, twisting the ring around his thumb. "I did. Although you make it sound like it meant nothing and that's not true."

Juice clenched his jaw. He had no idea what to answer. The muscles of his fingers tensed; he wanted to beat something up. 

The blond man cleared his throat. "Last night she told me she loves you... but that you chose Fye over her and that she has to let you go. She believes she's ready to move on. And she told me she wanted to build a future with me. And I... I want that. With our son."

The stab in his stomach was so painful it almost made him groan. She was ready to let him go, to give him up. That was exactly what he wanted from her – so why did it hurt so fucking much? This was what was best for everyone, right? 

Before he would get lost in his thoughts again, Sack continued. "I couldn't resist her. But I guess you don't need an explanation for that." He laced his fingers. "I'd wanted to talk to you before we got intimate, but she was at my door in the middle of the night."

Juice knew she'd gone out with Fye yesterday, making him wonder why she'd gone to Sack. Only to seduce him? Juice knew no man would be able to resist her, so he couldn't blame his brother. Not really. 

"When she asked me if I wanted a serious relationship with her, I told her I wanted to talk to you first. I don't want to do anything behind your back. I know how difficult the situation is, and if you don't want us to be together I'll respect that. I just... want to do this the right way."

"Well that's a little late, don't you think? You already knocked her up." He couldn't help but sound resentful – he just hated the fact they had a child. 

Sack said nothing. 

He didn't tell Juice that he lacked any memories, nor that he had been forced to have sex with her, not even that he hadn't known about the child... Instead, his blue eyes studied Juice's face. The man was so calm – such a sharp contrast with the walking bomb he was himself. He knew Dana needed someone like him. Someone strong, someone with his thoughts sorted out. Yeah, it would hurt so fucking much to see the two together, but he didn't want to be the reason she felt lonely.  _He_ was the one killing he friend; he was the one who could no longer give her what she needed. 

"I'm okay with it," he said softly. "As long as you don't tell her what happened to Cherry."

"I won't," his brother promised. "She will never know."

Juice believed him. Sack was no blabbermouth, he had no reputation of being lippy. 

Sighing, he stared at his knees. Now he had given Sack and Dana his blessing, it felt like the definitive end of Dana and him. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to fight the tears. 

"Make her happy. I want – I want her to be happy."

A tear ran down his cheek, and he took a deep breath. 

His breathing seemed to get stuck in his throat when Sack wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Juice squeezed his eyes. He couldn't even remember the last time he had been embraced by a friend, by a brother. His lips were quivering. 

"I will do everything I can to make her happy. I promise." Sack rubbed his back and squeezed his shoulder. 

Juice briefly wiped his eyes; the other Sons could arrive any moment. 

"It will hurt," he muttered. "Seeing the two of you together. There will be days on which I won't deal with it so well, so I apologize in advance. Sometimes... sometimes my feelings overrule my common sense."

"That's okay," his brother answered. "Dana knows you, she'll sense in what mood you are. We all have to find our way in this. We care about you, we'll try not to hurt you when you're around. I don't think a lot will change." He hesitated. "But please, consider her feelings too. She finds it hard to see Fye and you together. I get why you can't be with Dana anymore, but she doesn't know the real reason. She believes that she's the one failing you, she's convinced Fye gives you something she can't."

Juice bent his head, wishing he could tell her otherwise. 

But he couldn't. Not without exposing the truth about Cherry. 

 


	104. Dana

Dana was having her coffee break. Despite the years of captivity she didn't find it hard to chat with her colleagues. On the contrary: knowing that none of them knew what she'd gone through, made things easier; they all considered her as a normal 29 year old. The conversations were casual, which she liked. All her other conversations were always so serious...

She just wanted to return to the foyer to take the next group of visitors under her wing when Marly entered the coffee room. "There's someone at the counter asking for you, Dana."

"Oh..." Dana answered a little overwhelmed. 

It was a half hour drive from Charming, someone wouldn't stop by without a good reason. She followed her colleague to the front of the building and sighed softly as she saw Kozik, who was pacing in front of the entrance, raking a hand through his blond hair every few steps. 

He was obviously nervous. 

"Hey." She walked over to him. 

He froze immediately. "Hey."

Dana bit the inside of her cheek as she took him in. He looked pale, there were bags under his eyes and the look in his eyes broke her heart. Whatever he had done yesterday – right now she only felt pity because her dear friend was so broken. She wrapped her arms around him; he hugged her back almost desperately. 

"I can't remember much of yesterday," he muttered. "Except for Amy breaking up with me and me getting hammered. I – I have the feeling I've done something terrible. But I – I can't remember much. Only your panicking face." He pulled back a little, rubbing the side of his head. "And I remember you hitting me. With something."

Dana laid her hand on his upper arm because they were blocking the entrance and led him outside. The sun was shining and she took him to a bench close to the door. 

"What did I do?" he asked quietly. "Did I..." He wasn't able to say the words. Instead, he stared at the ground. 

"It doesn't matter what you did," she said. "You didn't know what you were doing."

"It does matter. Did I hurt you? You weren't home this morning, I must have frightened you."

"You tried to kiss me. To give Amy a reason to be mad at you. I went to Kip." She laid her hand on Kozik's leg. "Nothing happened baby. I'm not mad."

She wasn't sure he believed her, he still couldn't work up the nerve to look her in the eye. 

"I feel like a hypocrite. I've berated Juice so many times when he was drunk, and now I lost control myself."

"It can happen to the best, Koz. You're not a saint, you make mistakes like every other human being."

For a while Kozik kept staring at the floor. His shoulders tense, his breathing heavy. "You know... He treated me like shit so many times. I always swallowed it because he was such a mess. I understood him, to some degree. But now..." His voice sounded cold. "Now I can't stand him anymore. Maybe I even hate him. The things he said, just to scare Amy... None of this would have happened if it wasn't for him. He ruined my relationship, only because I hadn't told him that you were alive. But that knowledge... it would have destroyed him, Dane. I've seen him wither away so many times. It exhausted me... I'm not even sure I could have dealt with it  _again._ " He stared at his hands. "But he never saw it. He still can't see it. That I was having a hard time too, that I didn't have all the answers either. He was so... obsessed with his own pain."

"He still is," she answered softly. "Every time we have a deep conversation, he ends up crying." She tried to swallow, her throat feeling tight. Then she took a deep breath. She shouldn't be the one telling him, but she just needed to get it off her chest. "Fye's pregnant."

"What?" With wide eyes, Kozik stared her in the eye. 

She nodded quietly. "Yeah, she told me a while back. She doesn't dare to tell him. She doesn't feel safe around him and she isn't sure she wants her child to grow up around him."

"I get it," Kozik muttered. 

Dana frowned slightly. "Juice would never hurt his own child."

"Juice isn't always in control of himself, Dane. He called me, that night he had killed Lotte. Mikey was only a few steps away when he strangled the girl. How old was the boy, six? Imagine what impact it would have had if the kid had seen it. Juice didn't think about his nephew for a second."

Dana sighed softly. "But Fye... Fye just needs to learn how to reach him when he's having a tantrum."

"I'm not sure it's something that can be learnt, Dane. She's not you. She's trying really hard, but she's not you and she knows it. He knows it. You're the one he deeply loves, you're the only one who can reach him when he's shutting everyone out."

She bent her head. A tear slipped down her cheek. "Then why doesn't he want me anymore?" she whispered. 

"Oh sweetie..." Kozik pulled her in an embrace. "He would give up everything that matters to him if he could get you back. But your death... it broke him. Changed him. Made him do things he feels ashamed of now; things you would abominate. Things he doesn't want you to know about – and with good reason. For I will never forgive some of the things he has done, Dane. He considers himself as a sociopath and he doesn't want you to be with a sociopath again. He wants you to have a normal, healthy relationship."

"He's not a sociopath."

"He isn't?" Kozik huffed. "I'm not sure I agree."

"I have lived with a sociopath for years, Kozik. Juice isn't one. He suffers from a tough kind of PTSD and I think he may have borderline too, or some other personality disorder, besides the OCD he already had. But he does have a conscience and he's not indifferent at all. On the contrary, he feels a lot –he feels too much and he needs someone who helps him to regulate his feelings."

Kozik was silent for a while. "He needs you," he muttered eventually. "But he will never admit it for he wants you to move on. He wants you to be happy."

"I know," Dana sighed. She intertwined her fingers. "I want him to be happy too. That's why I want Fye to tell him about the baby. About his new chance on a family. His thoughts are so consumed by the things he lost; he needs to learn to look at the beautiful things that are waiting for him." She paused. "And the same goes for me." She cocked her head to the side. "I talked to Kip yesterday. We want to build a future together. I'm moving in with him, hopefully it gives you also some space to make things right with Amy. And Juice and Fye... maybe they can move forward too. I believe we can all find our happiness, as long as we're open to new possibilities."

Kozik looked at her in surprise. A small smile made his lips curl. "Well well. You just traded me for Sack? Does Juice know? If not, I better go find a bunker for I'm sure he'll believe that I talked you into this."

"Juice and I have talked about it a few times now, he won't be surprised. Kip went early to the clubhouse this morning to talk to him. I trust that everything went well."

Kozik's glance told her that he believed she was a little too optimistic, but the calmness Kip had shown her the day before, convinced her she was right. 

She took Kozik's hand and squeezed. "I gotta believe in this, Koz. I gotta believe that we all still have our chance to become happy. That Maddox isn't still controlling us from the grave. I gotta believe in love, if not, I don't have faith in anything anymore."

Kozik leaned into her and kissed her temple. "I have faith in you, Dane. I believe that you will never give up; you will always fight for a way to find your happiness, and that of Juice, and Kip, and Fye. And your kids."

"And you, Koz," she said softly, looking up to him. "You gotta make things right with Amy too. Don't give her up this soon, she's worth fighting for."

He dropped his head on her shoulder. "No, I won't give her up," he said. "If you create a new chance for yourself and Kip, and give Juice room to do the same with Fye... Then I would be a complete loser for not fighting for my own relationship. Amy and I didn't go through a hell like you all did..."

"Exactly," she smiled. "I have faith in the two of you."

* * *

Dana felt tired when she came home. She still had to get used to the long days of work, although she felt satisfied if she looked back to today. The conversation with Kozik had been good. 

As she rang the bell of Kozik's door, Casper was the one who opened it. She scooped him up, giving him a kiss. She wanted to carry him to the living room, but he squirmed out of her arms. 

"No. Not inside yet! Daddy almost ready!" His eyes were sparkling. 

"Oh," Dana responded a little dazed. 

Only a few seconds later, Kip opened the door and greeted her with a kiss. "Hey beautiful."

Casper ran towards the living room, giving his parents the chance for a more intimate greeting. Her hands glided underneath his kutte as she welcomed his lips. 

Before she could completely lose herself in the kiss, he turned away from her and laid an arm around her waist as he walked her to the living room. 

"Wow," she said in surprise when she saw the nicely set table. There were candles and a bouquet of roses on it, spreading a lovely smell. "That's a nice welcome."

He chuckled softly. His hand left her back and glided down, his thumb hooking in her back pocket. "I wanted to celebrate our first night as a couple."

"Does that mean Juice was understanding?" She had believed he would, but part of her had still been afraid that he would freak out. 

"I could see he found it hard, he even admitted it. But he said he was okay with us, and he wants me to make you happy." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do, baby. I'm going to make the three of us happy." His eyes wandered to Casper, who was already seated in his chair and looked expectantly at them. "Although all that's needed to make our little one happy, are pancakes. So my apologies baby, no culinary high point today. I still have to learn to resist his pleas."

Softly laughing she leaned into him, kissing his lips. "Then it's a good thing I love pancakes too." She sat down next to Casper, raking her fingers through his hair. "You happy mommy is going to live here?"

"Yes! Now we can eat pancakes every day!" His face beamed as he looked at her.

Chuckling, she kissed the top of his head. "I don't even want to think about that..." She touched for Kip's hand, giving him a squeeze and smiling. She felt happy. 

 


	105. Juice

Juice turned away from his laptop when he sensed that someone was watching him. A tremor ran through him as he saw Casper. The boy was pressing his teddy bear against his chest, staring at Juice as if he was about to steal the stuffed animal. 

His lips were trembling as he tried to smile at the boy. 

Sure, he had seen him before, but he always kept his distance. He didn't know why, it just felt safest. 

"Hey," he said softly. "You looking for your dad?"

Dana was working, Kip was probably busy in the garage and he guessed one of the girls was looking after the kids. 

Slowly, Casper shook his head. Putting his thumb in his mouth, he kept staring at Juice with wide eyes. Blue eyes, just als blue as Dana's... He swallowed. Uncomfortably he shifted in his chair, hoping the boy would leave soon. 

"You don't like me?" the kid whispered.

Juice's eyes went wide. A warm glow spread across his cheeks; he had no idea where the shame was coming from. He felt a stab in his heart. "I do kid. Why don't you come a little closer?"

Casper took a few small steps forward, tightening his grasp around the teddy bear and staring at the floor. Seeing him like this was horrible. A lump formed in his throat as he thought of all the times he had asked his mother the same question.

"Why do you think I don't like you?" he asked quietly. 

Casper shrugged his shoulders. He was balancing on this tips of his toe, and then on his heels. "Mommy told me you are Tabitha's daddy. My sister's. So... you're also my daddy, right? For a bit? But you – you never play with me."

Juice didn't know what to answer. The name of his daughter was closing his throat. 

"You wanna play? I can... I can do that." His voice was shaking, he felt the tears sting in his eyes. This little boy seemed to symbolize everything he had lost. Looking at him alone was already tearing his heart to pieces, and he was disgusted by himself, knowing the kid had done nothing wrong. 

Skittishly, Casper looked up. 

"So what do you like to do?"

"Umm..." He squeezed his teddy bear. "I like to play soccer."

Juice stood up. "Okay. Let's head outside to play soccer." He briefly laid his hand on Casper's head, stroking his hair. As he lowered his hand, the boy grabbed his fingers. 

Juice swallowed. A little panicking he looked around. What would Dana and Kip think of this? He wanted to give them space, and now it looked like he was trying to force himself on their little family. Pulling away his hand however was rude too. 

Slowly, he walked to the door. The kid led him to a corner of the lot. There were two tilted crates the kids used as goals; the ball laid on the ground close to the left one. 

"Umm... Mister Bear likes to be in the goal." Casper put the stuffed animal in front of the crate. 

Awkwardly, Juice pulled the hem of his shirt. He had no idea what the boy expected from him. "I eh – I need to be the ref or something?"

"No." Casper shook his head, took the ball and took five steps away from the goal. "Pannalties." With extreme precision, he laid the ball on the ground. "You go first!"

Juice walked to the ball and tapped it with his foot. It rolled past the goal. 

"Aaww, next time better!" Casper sauntered up to the ball and carried it back to the same spot, looking at Juice. "Now me!"

Juice nodded. 

The boy took a run-up and kicked the ball, which didn't go anywhere near the goal. 

"Mister Bear is such a good keeper, right!" Casper cheered. 

Juice's lips curled into a smile. "Yeah, he's the best. He learnt that from you?"

The kid nodded enthusiastically, putting down the ball on the imaginary spot. 

For a while they were kicking the ball, taking turns. Juice saw the boy was getting tired; he was wobbling on his legs. However, when he suggested to go back inside, he shook his head wildly. 

"No one more time!"

Which he repeated at least ten times. 

Juice let him be – until the boy tripped over the ball and fell on the ground. 

Immediately he started to cry – and when he noticed that his knee was bleeding, he screamed even harder. Startled, Juice knelt down next to him. 

That was just his luck. What should he do? The kid was screaming like he had broken his leg! He hadn't, right? Carefully he lifted the boy. 

"Let's find you a plaster, okay?"

Casper rubbed his eyes with his small fists, nodding and sobbing. 

Juice calmed down a little. Picking up Mister Bear from the ground, he carried the boy inside the clubhouse. In the kitchen he put him down on the counter top while looking for a plaster in the first aid kit. Once he had put it on the wound, he carried Casper to the couch. 

"You better sit here for a while. Your mom will be at the clubhouse soon."

"My knee hurts," Casper pouted. 

Juice sat down next to him and gave him his phone trying to distract him. "Why don't you play a game on it, hmm?"

Casper nodded.

Juice startled when the kid climbed on his lap while starting a game. Hesitantly, he laid an arm around the small body. It didn't take long before the device dropped out of Casper's hand. Yawning, he snuggled up to Juice's chest. 

A little dumbfounded Juice remained seated on the couch. 

What should he do now? Carefully lying him on the couch? Or should he stay here? 

In the end he opted for the last choice, he didn't want to wake the kid. 

For a long time he just stared at the sleeping face. Would he ever hold his own son or daughter like this? He wasn't sure he wanted it – whether he could deal with it, but the peacefulness and the trust radiating from the kid's face didn't leave him indifferent.

"Hey," a soft voice sounded. 

Wildly, Juice looked up. 

Dana smiled at him and sat down next to him. Bending over, she kissed her son's forehead; the boy didn't wake up. 

"He fell," Juice muttered, gesturing at the plaster. "While playing soccer."

Her upper arm very brightly brushed his skin and he felt his whole body responded. 

"I didn't want... But he..." Juice couldn't find the right words and awkwardly, he bowed his head. "He came to me, asking me if I didn't like him because I never played with him. I didn't... I didn't know he thought of me like that. I never meant to hurt him, it's just... hard." His fingers were trembling as he raked them to the boy's blond hair.

"A few days ago we went to Tabitha's grave for the first time. We explained to him that you're her father. I guess it had a certain effect on him... I hope you don't mind I told him."

He shook his head. "No, of course not... It's a sweet kid."

Dana smiled at him. "How are you, Juice?"

He turned a little more towards her. It wasn't a strange question – a week had passed since Kip told him Dana and he wanted to start dating again. He had to admit he hadn't seen much of it. Now and then he had seen them holding hands, but that was all. It made it a little easier. 

"I'm okay," he said. "How are you? You like your new job?"

"Absolutely!" Her eyes were sparkling as she started to tell him about a child that got lost today during the tour and which turned out to be stuck in the mouth of a dinosaur. 

He melted when she started to laugh. For a moment, things were like they had been in the past; it seemed like the past horrible years had never taken place, as if she had just came home from her work, while he had been waiting on the couch for her together with their kid, excited to hear about her day. 

Exactly like he had always pictured their future.

Without being aware of it, his hand glided to hers and he laced his fingers with hers. It felt so good, so familiar...

Only when she bent her head and stared at their fingers, he realized what he was doing. 

"Oh shit," he stammered. His cheeks were glowing. That she was also blushing, didn't help at all. "Sorry. I – it just happened. I – I didn't know, I didn't meant to..." 

Briefly, their eyes met. Tinglings rolled through his arm, spreading through his whole body. He longed so desperately for her that he couldn't even think anymore. 

"It's okay," she said softly. "I get it." She cleared her throat. "Umm... I was thinking... Would Fye and you like to come over for dinner some day? Then eh – we can play a board game or something?"

Juice doubted it was a good idea. What if he grabbed her hand again without realizing when Fye and Kip were around? But he couldn't avoid her – the few moments she was with him, it felt like he got an overdose of her. 

"Yeah uhh... sounds good," he answered softly. "I mean, if things don't become super awkward.."

Dana shrugged her shoulders. "I think we'll survive. In the beginning we might need some time to get used to each other, but the sooner we all feel comfortable around each other, the better, right?"

Juice didn't think he could ever get used to her Kip and her. 

Nevertheless he had to try. For her. 

He forced his lips into a more enthusiastic smile. "You're right. Just tell me when and we'll be there."

"Tomorrow night?"

Although the prospect was already making him nervous, he nodded. "Okay cool. I'll ask Fye if it suits her too." He glanced at the sleeping boy in his arms, who kept him pinned to the couch. 

Secretly, he was grateful to the boy. Grateful for being forced to sit a little longer next to Dana. The touch of their arms was barely sensible, but it send a warmth through his body he only felt when he was around her, one he craved for the second it was gone. 

**. . .**

**Hey all!**

****I've started another Juice fanfic, m** ** ****aybe you'd like to check it out, it's called Rivals.** **

**The blurb:**

**Long hours pass by when Juice and Raine are both stuck in an elevator. The moment the doors open, their ways part and they intend to forget about the past hours. However, Juice can't get the guy out of his head. The seeds of friendship are planted, but since they are both members of rival gangs, there isn't much room for them to grow. When Juice starts to believe it aren't just feelings of friendship he's struggling with, he is torn apart between his loyalty to the club and a chance on a love he craved for his whole life.**

 


	106. Fye & Juice

Fye clutched her hands between her knees. She had never seen him like this. So relaxed, with such a spontaneous smile on his lips while his hands were resting on Mikey's shoulders as he did a game of musical chairs with Dana's son and Kip. It should warm her to the core, convincing her that he would be a good father – but it didn't. 

Dana pressed the pause button to stop the music, and the four tried to sit down on one of the three remaining chairs. When it were Casper and Juice battling over the last chair, Juice pretended to accidentally sit down next to the chair, ending stretched out on the floor. The two kids were roaring with laughter. 

There was a stab in her stomach as his eyes didn't shot to her, but to Dana who was sitting next to her on the couch. Maybe it wasn't his intention; she knew he was trying to focus on her, but every time he made a joke and let his guard down, it was Dana's whose respons he was monitoring. 

For the umpteenth time she doubted her relationship. 

Maybe she should give up, if he loved Dana so much. 

But still – it wasn't as simple as that. At many moments she  _did_ feel happy around him, on which it felt like she was his number one. And especially now Dana and Kip were dating, it felt weak to give up. Maybe he just needed a little more time to find closure. 

As if he had heard her thoughts, he sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. His smile was genuine when he looked her in the eye, laying a small but sweet kiss on her lips. 

She melted. Maybe she was just imagining things, maybe her fear to lose him was making things worse than they actually were. She snuggled up to him. Her eyes flashed to Dana. She wasn't trying to make a statement; she didn't want to hurt her friend. 

Dana's was taking pictures of Kip and the kids, who were playing the semi final of the game, then she turned towards them, taking a photo of them. 

"Ah, this one is cute!" She showed them the phone screen. 

Juice's grasp tightened around her and his lips slightly touched her auricle. She shivered, warmth was bubbling up inside her. It was indeed a cute picture, they were both smiling without faking it. Dana leaned a little more towards them, taking a selfie of the three of them, then she stopped the music. 

Mikey jumped on a chair immediately, the little Casper looked around in confusion. He waddled to the remaining chair. Right before he could climb on top of it, Kip scooped him up, swaying him around before flopping down on the chair, putting his son on his lap. 

"Now we both won!"

"Is daddy cheating again?" Dana asked. 

Wronged, Casper crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Yes!"

"Well, then we won't give daddy a piece of cake, how about that?"

"Only cake for the winners!" Mikey exclaimed. "Only for Casper and me!"

Fye turned towards Juice, stroking his knee. Watching how Kip and Dana were taking care of their child, called up the same longing inside her. Did he feel it too? He was in a good mood... maybe she should tell him next weekend. Then she could take him for a romantic getaway, so that he would be completely relaxed. She couldn't wait forever...

* * *

"When I went home after work, I realized we only had children's games at home, so I bought this one." Dana put a box on the table.  _Agricola,_ was written on it. "I read the rules, but I didn't really get it. I guess you guys are smarter than me." With a smirk, she shoved the box towards Juice. 

"Maybe there's a tutorial on YouTube," Fye said. "In case we're too lazy to figure it out ourselves."

"Casper, sit down," Dana said in a stern voice when he crawled over the table to get closer to the box. "And drink your lemonade, it's time to go to bed."

The boy looked over his shoulder to his mother, seemingly doubting whether he wanted to start a fuss or not; in the end he gave in and sat down on Dana's lap, who handed him his cup. 

Fye cocked her head to the side. Mickey was slowly dozing off and she raked a hand through his dark hair. "You're finishing your pie? Then I'll put you in bed. We'll wake you up when uncle Juan and I go home."

He nodded drowsily, rubbing his eyes. 

Kip had left the table and returned with his laptop, which he opened and put down on the table, in a way they could all see the screen. "I'm in for the YouTube plan. This guy needs a visual explanation."

Something about Juice's demeanor told her he was about to make an inappropriate joke, but his eyes flashed to the children and he kept his mouth shut. 

Kip searched for the tutorial and set it up, attracting Casper's attention. He climbed back on the table, sitting in front of the device blocking their view. Fye chuckled at the sight of Dana's tired face. 

"Casper please sit down. You're never this ornery, especially not around guests!"

"Wanna sit with Daddy!" he said when his mother laid a hand on his ankle. He turned around, knocking over a mug. By reflex Kip jumped up, pulling his son away from the hot fluid. The mug however had fallen into the other direction; coffee was waving over the keyboard. 

Casper was so startled he started to cry and when he swung his arms around his father's neck, his foot kicked the laptop. With a thud, the thing fell on the floor. Sighing, Dana raked a hand through her hair. Getting up, she picked up the laptop; the screen had turned black. 

"This is just great," she said, shaking her head. 

"I will look at it tomorrow," Juice offered. "I think I can fix it." He showed her a smile making her cheeks flush. 

Fye dropped her eyes. Again, there was that nagging feeling inside her stomach. She got on her feet. "Come on, let's get you to bed," she said to Mikey. "Go give uncle Juice a kiss."

Mikey stood up and did as she asked, then he walked towards the stairs. Kip lowered Casper on the ground so he could say goodbye to his mom and Juice. Fye smiled slightly when the little boy grabbed Mikey's hand. 

"Come! I show you your room! And Daddy will read us a really cool book!"

Fye followed the boys upstairs.

* * *

Quietness returned to the room when the four ascended the stairs. Juice watched Dana, who was cleaning the table. She looked exhausted. 

"Come on, let's get some fresh air."

Dana hesitated, then she nodded. Together they went to the porch. Sitting down on a chair, he subtly pulled Dana on his lap. The whole evening he had done everything he could not to touch her, even though he was desperately longing for her. Now, he could no longer hold back. The way she snuggled up to his chest, gave him the feeling she struggled with her feelings too. 

"You okay?" he asked softly. His hand rested upon her stomach. 

"It was a long day. Noisy groups to give a tour... And I was a bit nervous for tonight."

"But everything's going fine, right?" His chin rested upon her shoulder. 

She bent her head. "I miss you," she whispered. "I miss you so much Juice."

A lump formed in his throat and he tightened his grasp around her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. In vain, he tried to blink the tears away. Quickly he squeezed his eyes. He didn't dare to admit to her how much he missed her, although he believed she already knew. 

"Wasn't it what you expected from it?" he asked softly. "Being with Kip?"

Shrugging her shoulders, she stared at the ground. "He's incredibly sweet. But what you and I had... that was so special. And I know nothing's the same anymore, and that it will never be like the old days and that this was a wise decision... But I miss Mexico. I – I was happy there. Like... really happy. Even though we were hiding, even though we had left all of our friends."

Shakily, Juice exhaled. He missed it too. God – he missed it so much. He dipped his head, his lips softly touching her shoulder. Tinglings spread through his whole body when he kissed her skin. He moved his mouth a little, kissing her again. 

He had to stop – he knew he had to stop. But he wanted it so desperately. He wanted to forget about everything around him, he wanted to be alone with her, stay alone with her, forever. Her breathing fell heavier, making him believe she felt the same about him. Oh, how he wished they could just leave this place, together, with the children. Start over. He however knew they couldn't, and reluctantly he pulled back his face, resting his forehead against her shoulder.

Her hand was on top of his, her thumb softly brushing his skin. She didn't speak. There wasn't much left to say anyway. 

When the stairs cracked, she got up and walked a few steps away from him. Her glance cast to the ground, telling him she felt guilty about their brief moment. He himself felt guilty for not feeling guilty. 

They walked inside again, plastering smiles to their faces as they sat down next to their partners. Juice laid his hand on Fye's thigh to remind himself that she was his old lady now, and when Dana took Sack's hand in hers, he wondered if she did it for the same reason. 

* * *

It was a good night. Still, Juice felt emotional when they drove home in the middle of the night. He believed it had been good to have a double date, although it didn't keep his mind from racing. 

Knowing that he would only start to overthink things if he went to bed now, he decided to wait a little longer, putting the broken laptop on the table. 

"You really have to do this now?" From behind, Fye wrapped her arms around him. 

"I'm not tired yet," he muttered. "You can go to bed, I'll come later."

She seemed a little disappointed, nevertheless Juice stood his ground. For Fye, it was also better if he regained control over his emotions. 

He turned his head to the side to kiss her, then he got his things to fix the laptop. 

As always, it was helpful to keep his hands busy. After half an hour the thing was working again and he felt a little calmer. As he was used to do when he was fixing someone's laptop, he did a general check-up; he discovered there was no good firewall and it lacked a virusscan, which he downloaded and ran immediately. The thing was painfully slow. He opened internet, deleting cookies and cache. Then he navigated to the browser history to clear it as well. He however tensed when his eye caught the words  _engagement ring._ Right above it stood _proposal ideas._

Dazed, Juice shoved back his chair. What – what the hell was this? Did Sack plan to propose to Dana? Suddenly he felt ice and ice cold. He was still in the process of letting her go, he wasn't ready to see her marry someone else! And Dana wasn't ready either! Did Sack believe that a ring like that would change everything? That she would miraculously forget about him? And – so fucking soon?! A week ago he asked Juice if he was okay with him dating Dana and now he wanted to propose to her?!

Tears stung his eyes as he looked at the date. 

Last night. Last night he had googled it. 

Breathing in deeply, he wiped his eyes. He didn't get it – how the hell did this even occur to that guy?! He wasn't ready –  _Dana_ wasn't ready. 

Or was she?

Doubt started to eat him. 

What if she did want to marry Sack? If she considered it as the ultimate way to move on? 

He was going to lose her. And this time, there was no way back. 

 

 


	107. Dana & Kip

"You gotta tell him Fye," Dana sighed, opening the box and taking some decorations from it. 

Her friend sighed too. "I know. I really intended to tell him last weekend, but he was suddenly so moody I didn't dare anymore. I just don't get it. He looked so happy when we were having dinner at your place, but once we were home... his mood changed. The days after, he was almost impossible to live with."

Dana didn't know what to answer. Was it because of Kip and her? She thought he was doing okay that night. Not amazing... but not worse than she. 

"He's very testy... I have no idea why. I even wonder if he figured out my pregnancy himself. You think he's mad for not telling him?"

"If he knew, we would have known. I'm sure of it." She picked up a streamer and started to unroll it. 

Decorating the clubhouse because of someone's birthday felt like a déjà vu. She had been here for two weeks when she had done the same with Cherry. Laughing, they had been blowing boob balloons because Tig was turning fifty. That night, she had even done a pole dance act, wearing Juice's kutte. 

It felt like something from another life. The smirk on his face as she had performed her erotic dance, the tinglings she had felt when he had flirted with her for the first time... She thought about Cherry, who found out about her feelings for Juice that day. If she had known that she would have a child with her boyfriend five years later, and that she was encouraging Juice's girlfriend to tell him that he was going to be a dad... She wouldn't have believed it. 

"Hey, you okay?" Fye brushed her arm. "Sorry, I should stop talking about him all the time."

"No, it's not that. I thought about the last time I was decorating the clubhouse because of a Son's birthday. So many things have changed, so many people aren't around anymore..." She smiled sadly. She missed Cherry. Fye was a great friend, but she was always struggling with herself and her relationship. Cherry had always tried to cheer her up, always having those crazy ideas... and once more she wondered if her friend was doing well. Maybe she should Juice ask to find her. She'd give a lot to know whether she was all right.

Fye pulled her into an embrace. "That's life, sweetie. We lose people, we meet new people. Each of them coloring our lives a little."

* * *

"Well, you've been busy." Kip's arms slipped around her and he kissed her right below her ear. 

Dana leaned into him. "Well, I had more means to celebrate your birthday than last time." She turned around in his arms, looking at him. "You remember your 23th birthday?"

More and more memories returned, many of them about his captivity. She'd thought it would make him sad, but somehow it strengthened him. Knowing something terrible had happened, was apparently better than having a hole in your memory. That he couldn't remember things, didn't mean the underlying pain was gone too and dealing with the things he'd gone through was slowly healing him. 

"Nope. Refresh my memory?"

"Maddox was in a good mood that day. He let you leave your room and take a shower. And I baked a cake for you. For the first time in weeks he allowed you to go outside; we made a walk along the beach and hunted shells."

"Hunting shells?" he repeated with a slight grin. "Don't tell me that was a weird hobby of mine."

"Nobody told you you had the biggest shell collection of Cali?" Teasingly, she kissed his lips. "There wasn't much else I could give you. And we found some really beautiful ones." She pulled him closer and reached for his lips, but he turned his head away. 

"Better if you don't," he said softly. 

Quite flashy she looked over her shoulder; Juice had just entered the clubhouse. 

"Fye told me he's not feeling well," she sighed. 

"Don't even start. This whole week he's staring at me as if he wants to slit my throat. It's kinda scary, actually. It reminds me of the time after your so-called death. I've seen him lost his mind a couple of times..."

Dana stroked her hands up and down his sides. "Today is your day. You only turn 27 once. Maybe I go talk to him tomorrow to find out what's going on, but today is all about you, about our little family. This is your first birthday as a daddy," she smiled. "Casper's been busy with his present for days."

"And what about you?" His hands wandered to her back pockets. 

"Oh, you'll get my present tonight," she winked. "It's something I did on a birthday party a couple of years ago... but this time it's just for you. Maybe I will even trigger another memory." 

Whether Juice was around or not – she closed the distance between their lips and kissed him. This night was about Kip. This night he was the only one who mattered. 

* * *

As much as Dana lived up to that thought – it wasn't her call. 

Actually she had no idea what happened; the party was on for two hours when Juice suddenly launched himself on Kip and started to beat the shit out of him, screaming things she didn't understand. Kip, who had been tying his shoe, was completely overwhelmed and fell on the ground. Juice's knees pinned him down on the floor while fist after fist landed upon Kip's face.

"Daddy!!" Casper yelled upset, and he started to cry. 

Dana scooped him up, turned away from the violence and rushed outside. Tears streamed down her cheeks, no matter how hard she tried to stop them. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe Juice had lost his mind while Casper was around. 

Outside, she sat down on a picknick table, pressing her boy against her chest. They were both sobbing, and Dana felt a horrible mother for not being able to man up. But this was so unexpected, so... incomprehensible. 

* * *

Kip spitted a blob of blood on the floor. His whole face was burning and he was staggering. Anger coursed through his veins. He was sick of it. He had given Juice plenty of time to get his shit together, but he never imagined he would attack him in the middle of the clubhouse, on his birthday and with his two year old kid next to him! He was about to throw himself upon the guy who Jax and Happy had dragged away from him while Kozik helped him on his feet, but the blond biker was holding him back. 

"The hell's goin' on?" Happy barked. 

"He wants to propose to her!" Juice screamed. "He was going to ask her to marry him! That fucking asshole was about to ask my girl to marry him!!"

Kip stared at him in disbelief. " _What?!_ The fuck are you talking about?!"

"You were gettin' down on one knee, you –"

"My shoelace was untied, you idiot!" he snapped. "Fuck – you really are insane! Why the hell would you think I'd propose to her after two weeks! And even if I did –  _then what_?! She's not yours anymore, Juice! Move on!"

"I saw it when I was fixing your laptop! The rings, the proposal ideas! So cut the crap and stop lyin' to me, asshole! She's not ready to marry you, she still loves me! You hear me, SHE LOVES ME! And it's a fuckin' low blow to ask her while everyone's around, so she feels forced to say yes!"

Kip shook his head, he really had no idea what the guy was talking about.

Sighing, Kozik let go of Kip. "He's not the one who wants to propose to someone, Juice. I am. I want to ask Amy to marry me. I was at Kip and Dana's when I asked Dana if she thought it was a good idea, and she was so enthusiast she started to google for engagement rings and shit like that right away."

"W-what?" Juice's shoulders slumped down. "Oh god..." His eyes shot to Kip, suddenly his brokenness was radiating from his face. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. 

"Me too," Kip answered grimly. "But I'm done with you. Beating me up while my two year old son is standing next to me... You went too far this time." He drilled his eyes in Juice's. "You leave Charming or I leave Charming. But I don't want you anywhere near my son or girl again."

After these words he turned around and rushed to the exit. 

 


	108. Dana

It didn't take long before Kip crouched down in front of them, cupping Dana's hand with his and resting his other hand on Casper's knee. 

The right half of his face already started to swell and there was blood trickling down his chin. Casper didn't see it. Sobbing, he let go of Dana and wrapped his tiny arms around his father's neck. 

"Sssh," he hushed. "Don't cry, Daddy's fine. It was all a misunderstanding."

He sat down next to her, his arms clutched around his son, kissing his hairline until the breathing of the boy calmed down a bit. As he closed his eyes in weariness, Kip turned towards her, lifting her face and wiping the tears from her cheeks. His touch expelled her indignation a little and she shoved closer to him so their arms were touching. 

"Misunderstanding?" she asked quietly. 

"Yeah," he sighed. "Apparently, Kozik and you have been looking for engagement rings on my laptop, a few days ago. When Juice fixed the thing last Friday, he stumbled upon it and when I wanted to tie my shoelace, he thought I was going to propose to you."

Wow. This was so absurd she didn't know what to say. 

It was no excuse for what Juice had done, but at least it explained his behavior. Sighing softly, she brushed his cheek. "I'm going to get you some ice."

Slipping of the picknick table she headed inside and walked over to the kitchen. Right when she took out a bag of frozen vegetables, wrapping a dishcloth around it, someone entered the kitchen. 

She wasn't surprised. She turned around and faced Juice with mixed feelings. He was staring at the floor, his shoulders slumped down in defeat. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I thought – I thought he was going to propose to you. In front of everyone. And that you – that you wouldn't dare to say no."

She snorted. "You really know me that little? You really I think I'd agree to marry someone if I don't want to?"

"No," he murmured. "I – I don't know what I was doing."

Tensed, he looked up to her. His eyes told her how badly he craved for a hug, for the words 'I don't blame you'. But she did blame him. 

"That's the point, Juice. You don't know what you're doing. Not even when there are children around."

For the first time she  _really_ understood Fye's struggle. She had no illusions; if Juice's own kid had been around he would have behaved exactly the same. 

He murmured something she didn't understand. 

Dana sighed. She didn't know what else to say, so she grabbed the dishcloth with ice and walked past him. It was up to Fye to make Juice feel better. Although she thought her friend would also need some distance after this stunt. But she had to put her family first. No matter how much she loved Juice. 

Outside, she handed Kip the ice; Casper had fallen asleep in his arms. 

"You want to go back inside?" she asked after a while. The mood was destroyed, but it was still his birthday party. 

"No," he answered shortly. "Let's go home. We have to talk, Dane."

Dana nodded silently, holding out her hand. "I'll drive."

* * *

It was quite a damper on what was supposed to be a great party. Kip's first birthday since they were a couple – their first family celebration. Kip carried Casper upstairs, in the meantime Dana poured them a drink. They could definitely use one. 

Ten minutes later, Kip flopped down on the couch next to her, wrapping an arm around her. His stubble scraping her skin as he kissed her cheek. With a deep sigh, he slumped back on the couch. 

"I'm done with him, Dane. Juice can't handle it. Seeing us together. Maybe this was based on a misunderstanding, but he went way too far. As far as I see it, he might attack me again next time we kiss."

Dana bent her head. She completely understood him. 

"I told him. That I'm done with it. One of us has to leave."

"Leave?" Dana repeated, feeling dazed. She knew something had to change, but that one of them would leave Charming... that was something she'd never expected. 

"To where? Juice has nothing else... I don't even know if Fye still wants to be with him after today. I'm afraid of what he's going to do once he loses everything."

"I don't think Juice will do well on his own. That's why... why I'm thinking about asking for a transfer myself. Maybe to the Tacoma charter... that one is the closest to Charming. Koz and Hap have both been patched in there, they know the city..."

Dana was a little in shock. Moving to Tacoma...? "You're toying with that idea a little longer, aren't you?" 

"Honestly, Dane? Not for a moment I thought Juice could really handle this. Seeing you with another man. Not even when it's me, someone he knows will take care of you. So yeah... I've been looking for solutions. And I know your brother and best friends live here... but I think we will do better in another tower than Juice. I'm still trying to fit in, maybe starting over somewhere out of Charming will be better for me. For us."

Dana thought about his words. Yeah, if someone had to leave, her and Kip being the ones would make the most sense. Juice lived in Charming since he was 17 and he wasn't good in dealing with changes at all. Plus, Kozik and Happy could keep an eye on him around here. Although things didn't go very smooth between them, she knew the two cared about him. 

Furthermore, Tacoma wasn't on the other side of the world. She could frequently meet with her brother and the others. It was far enough not to see each other daily, but at the same time it was a doable distance in case of emergency. 

"I think it's a good idea," she said, squeezing Kip's hand. 

"You do?" He seemed surprised. 

She nodded. "We tried. To be friends. But if he can't be friends with me... then we have no choice. Maybe this is our  _real_ chance to start over."

Kip lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. Then, his eyes searched for hers. She saw he was looking for words. When he couldn't find them, she softly pressed her lips against his. 

 


	109. Juice

Juice knew he fucked it up. 

This time for real. 

He had seen the look in Dana's eyes when he spoke to her in the kitchen. She wasn't going to forgive him anytime soon. The friendship they had built the past weeks, was crushed in a few moments of indomitable rage.  

_"You leave or I leave."_

Kip's words kept racing through his head. 

It was probably what was best for her. A life without him. 

His body cramped up at the thought to live without her forever, but it had been his own decision. Sniveling he breathed in, rubbing his eyes. Those damn tears just refused to stop, while he didn't even have a right to cry,  _he_ was the cause of this mess. 

It felt like he was walking a glass bridge above an abyss, seeing the cracks appear underneath his feet. He could fall any moment, into the deadly dept. The handrails that had supported him all this time, broke down. Not only Dana, also Fye. 

He had seen the look in her eyes, before she grabbed Mikey's hand and dragged him out of the clubhouse. She was sick of him too. And with good reason. 

Therefore he hadn't gone home; instead he'd gone to his clubroom, tossing a bag on the bed and throwing his clothes in it. But now what? Where should he go? He didn't know. 

But he had no choice. He was so messed up,  _he_ was the one who had to give up on the few things he still had. As the door opened, he sat up straight. Like a silent ghost, Happy entered his room. 

For a long time he said nothing, he just stared at the clothes on the bed. 

"Goin' somewhere?" he asked mockingly. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "You heard what Kip said. He leaves or I'll leave. And since I'm the one fucking things up..."

"Where will you go?" Happy huffed. "You got a seven year old to take care of."

Juice bent his head. Part of him had hoped that Fye wanted to take care of the kid, even if she no longer wanted his uncle. 

A deep silence fell, persisting for such a long time that Juice looked up skittishly to see if the man was still in the room at all. Two alert eyes stared down on him. 

"You gotta tell her."

"Tell her what?" Juice frowned his eyebrows, not understanding the question. 

"That you killed Cherry." 

Juice's lips parted a few times, but he wasn't able to say anything. 

"I – I can't," he muttered eventually. 

"Why not?"

"You know why," he grunted. "Because it will destroy her."

"She'll forgive you." Happy sighed, his face becoming a little softer. "You're the one she loves, Juice. With who she wants to be. Not Kip. She's trying to keep up appearances and maybe she can convince herself now and then, but she never looks at him like she used to look at you."

"Her daughter was murdered in front of her eyes. Of course she can't love someone in the way she did before."

"You found the body of your newborn baby. You killed two women you once cared about. And  _still_ I see the same love in your eyes when you look at her. If you can feel that love, she will be able to feel it too."

Juice bent his head. He stared at the tattoo of the arrow. "I can't give her what she deserves."

"She deserves what she wants and what she wants is you," Happy answered. "She's strong. She forces herself to move on, to feel happy. But deep down she knows she's not happy. Because she's still in love with you and she doesn't get why you don't want to be with her. You break her heart, Juice. You break her heart, every time you wake up next to someone else. Yeah – she will be mad when she discovers the truth about Cherry. But it wasn't your call alone, Juice. It was a club decision, we all agreed.  _I agreed_ – hell, if I hadn't been in a fucking cell I would have slit her throat myself. Even knowing that Dana was still alive. She was a fucking rat and she deserved what she got."

Juice wiped his eyes. For the first time, someone gave him the feeling that he was no monster, that he had done the right thing. 

"I guess he doesn't want to see you – or me – for a while. But once accepting Cherry's fate, you can leave the choice to her.  _Then_ you give her a real, honest choice."

After those words Happy turned around and left the room. 

Sighing, Juice dropped down on the bed. Everything that had been said today, kept racing through his head until he was so exhausted he fell asleep. 

* * *

Groaning, Juice got up when someone knocked at the door. His clothes were uncomfortable; he'd fallen asleep with them still on. Not in a great mood, he opened the door, feeling a little dumbfounded when he saw Dana. 

"Hey," she said softly. "You got a minute?"

"Yeah..." Juice looked over his shoulder, to the half filled bag. "You mind to come in?"

She shook her head. Juice stepped away from the door to let her in. 

"How – uhh – how's Casper?" he asked. 

"He's okay," she answered. "At least as long as he doesn't have to see you."

Juice bent his head, he had not idea what to say. 

Dana sighed softly, glanced at the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "Kip's going to ask for a transfer to Tacoma."

Juice snapped up his head. "W-what?"

"We think it's best for everyone. I wished we could have stayed friends Juice. But I guess you can't..."

Juice dropped his eyes again. Tears were stinging his eyes. "You still wanna be more than friends?" he asked quietly. If she would say yes... he would take Happy's advice and tell her the truth about Cherry. If not... he wasn't going to cause her more pain. 

"I like how things are with Kip," she answered. "Our sands stopped flowing, Juice. You figured it out sooner than me."

"I lied," he whispered, a tear itching down his cheek. 

"Whether you were lying or not; you made your decision. I have to make my decision too and I believe it's for the best if Kip and I leave Charming. I wanted to tell you this in person, before you hear it in Chapel."

"Let me be the one leaving," he said. "Nobody's going to miss me anyway."

"And then what? Where will you go? We both know you're not good on your own, Juice. Mikey, Fye and SAMCRO are the only things you still have. Kip and I will be fine. A fresh start might be just what we need."

Juice pursed his lips. Deep inside he knew she was right. If she believed she needed this fresh start, he wasn't going to stop her. Especially not by telling her what had happened to her friend. This wasn't the right time – this was probably a better solution anyway. 

"When will you leave?" he whispered. 

"Later today. Kip wants to hang out with the guys in Tacoma for a while before he decides if he really wants to transfer."

"Later today?" he repeated dazed. Painful stabs plagued his chest. 

"Yes. I'm here to say goodbye to you."

He looked up in shock, it felt like his bones were all disintegrating. "Does that... Does that mean we will never see each other again?"

"Maybe we will, one day. But not any time soon. We tried, Juice. We tried to fit into each other's lives. I guess we can't. The only option left is moving on separately."

Juice rubbed his face. He didn't plan on saying it, but the words slipped his lips. "I can't... I can't live without you."

"And I'm sorry, Juice. But I'm a mother, the needs of my child are my priority and not those of my ex-boyfriend. And I believe it's better for him when you're not in his life."

Ex-boyfriend. It felt like she was stabbing a knife in his heart, over and over again. He however swallowed his pain; deep down he knew she was right; this was what's best for her. 

"Okay," he whispered, staring at the floor. "I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I ruined."

There were no comforting words, no warm embraces. She got up, pressing a kiss against the shaved part of his head. "Goodbye, Juice."

In some desperate attempt to touch her, he lifted his hand. Her fingertips stroked his fingers; then she turned around and left his room. 

And his life. 


	110. Fye

Fye didn't want to let go of her. Dana had turned her life upside down by coming back from the dead, but at the same time she'd became her best friend. She had been a great support, the conversations about Juice had often helped her to understand her boyfriend. 

And now she was leaving. 

As much as Dana had tried to convince her that this was what was best for all of them, she didn't believe her. Juice needed Dana. She hated it, but it was true. And even more,  _she_ needed Dana. Sure – they could call each other. But it wasn't the same. She knew how that would go. Three years ago she moved to Charming and although she and her friends had agreed to call each other frequently, it never happened. This time, it wouldn't be any different. Out of sight, out of mind. That was just how things were. 

In the end, she pulled her arms away from Dana and wiped her watery eyes. Then she turned to Kip. She didn't know him very well, but he was a sweet guy. The two were a great fit and the love between them was strong. She couldn't help but feel jealousy because not only Juice loved Dana so much, but also this man who just seemed to be perfect.

Kip hugged her briefly and kissed her cheek. "You can always come to us when you need a friend, you know that right?"

She nodded gratefully, although she didn't think she would do it. Soon, the three of them would have the perfect life; Fye didn't plan to barge into their lives and pull them back into the drama. They deserved peace and happiness. 

Fye bent her knees and gave Casper a hug. "I'm going to miss you too, little guy." 

He smacked his lips against her cheek, then he grabbed his mother's hand and looked up happily. "We now said bye to everyone Mommy? Wanna go to the new house!"

"We will stay a while in a hotel first," Dana answered, raking her fingers through his blond hair. "But then, we will look for a beautiful house. It will be a long ride, you need to go to the bathroom before we go?"

A frown appeared on his forehead as he was thinking, then he nodded. "Yes, gotta pee mommy!"

Dana took him to the restroom. Unintentionally, Fye stroked her belly, thinking about her own child. She was two months pregnant now. It would probably take at least another month before she would start to show. One more month to decide what she wanted. 

Although deep inside, she knew. Yesterday, she had seen what Juice was capable of. Of all people, it had been Dana who had explained his behavior to her.  _Dana._ Not Juice himself. She hadn't heard from him all day. He hadn't came home last night, who knew where he had slept. And with whom.

And still... Still it was so unbelievably difficult to let go of him. To be on her own. Again, she told herself that this time things might  _really_  change now Kip and Dana were leaving Charming. She was afraid of what the future would bring. There was a chance that Juice and she would grow closer, but there was also quite a chance that the opposite would happen. That he wasn't able to get Dana out of his system, not even when she wasn't around anymore. 

* * *

Juice came home earlier than usual. She had been busy cleaning the kitchen when the backdoor opened. He didn't greet her with a hug or a kiss, all he quietly said was: "Hey."

She turned around. 

He was a mess. She could see it in his eyes, in his defeated demeanor. It called up the longing to hug him and at the same time she knew all too well it was  _another girl_ who had this influence on him. 

Therefore, "hey" was all she answered. 

He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a few steps toward her. His glance was aimed at her shoes while he leaned against the fridge. 

"I fucked up again," he said. "I know. I'm sorry. I don't even dare to ask for another chance."

Fye sighed. "Neither do I know if I dare to give you that chance Juice."

"She's gone," he muttered. "She's not coming back. I – I think that's a good thing. If I don't see her anymore. If I'm not daily confronted with the life I lost."

Finally, he raised his head. His eyes were wild, emotional. 

"I hope so," she said softly. "But this is your final chance, Juice. If you scare me again, I will give up on you."

He nodded in understanding and walked over to her. In front of her, he stood still and took her hands. "Thank you," he said. "Thank you for a last chance. I won't ruin it. I – I don't wanna lose you. Not you too," he added sadly. 

Fye knew she could never ignore the sadness in his eyes. His sadness was what had brought them together in the first place. Ever since she met him at the cemetery, she had wanted to make him happy but she kept failing. 

As she wrapped her arms around him and felt his upper body against hers, she thought about the child in her womb. He was so close – and still, he didn't know it was there. Would it make him happy?

 _Your final chance, Juice,_ she thought.  _Your final chance to convince me that you can be the father our child needs._

 

 


	111. Dana

_Six weeks later_

Dana gave Kozik a squeezing hug. Like always, she found it hard to say goodbye. They went out for dinner every two weeks, but again and again it felt like she lost a tiny piece of her heart, every time she left Charming.

Six weeks had passed by since they had moved to Tacoma. By now they rented an apartment close to the clubhouse and since a few days they had a permanent sitter for Casper.

Things went well between Kip and her. There was love, there was passion.

But there was also a feeling of loss. She could stare out of the window for hours, wondering what Juice was doing at that same moment, how he was feeling. All this time she hadn't spoken to him, nor had she seen him – and every day she missed him a little more.

He had told her he couldn't live without her and now she started to wonder if  _she_ could live without  _him._ Not that he left her a choice. He was the one choosing someone else over her. It had turned out to be a wise decision; according to Fye things finally went well between them. Although not that well that she dared to tell Juice about the baby... She was lucky she wasn't showing yet, otherwise he would have figured it out himself. She tried to shake it off. It was Fye's choice. She had shared her opinion more than enough times. She still believed it was better if Fye told him right away. Even if she changed her mind and still wanted to break up because she feared Juice's influence on the child, she believed Juice would respect her decision. He doubted himself just as much as she doubted him. Or maybe even more.

"Your thoughts are drifting off again, girl," Kozik noted.

A blush spread across her face as she let go of Kozik. "Sorry," she murmured.

"No need to say sorry." He kept her glance. "You find it hard?" he asked softly. "That I'm going to marry next month and that you will have to face him again? On a celebration... you would have wanted with him?"

"I think it will be hard for the both of us," she said honestly. "But nothing will stop me from attending your wedding, Koz."

Two days after Dana had left, Kozik had proposed to Amy. Beforehand they had came up with a romantic plan, but in the end Kozik had been so nervous that he had dropped on his knee the moment Amy opened the door. Sobbing, the girl had wrapped her arms around him – finally she was convinced that he loved her, her and no one else.

She smiled quietly as she remembered the phone call.

"Good." He gave her a wink. "And now you go visit your brother, right?"

Dana nodded and sighed. "Because of which I'm just as nervous," she admitted. "I've never been at his home. Strange, huh? I can't even remember the last time we did something together. I'm sure things will be super awkward."

Nevertheless, she wanted to try to have a normal relationship with her brother. And now she no longer saw him in the clubhouse, they were forced to find other ways to meet.

"You two will be all right. Once you're on the roll, you two will talk for hours, believe me."

She gave him a small smile. "Happy who's talking for hours. Sounds like an adventure itself."

"You'll be surprised." He kissed her cheek. "Well, get outta here. Before he thinks you're too chicken to meet up with him."

Dana chuckled. She had gone through so much – she would survive an evening with her brother. Waving Kozik goodbye, she walked towards her car.

Ten minutes later Dana stood in front of Happy's door. The moment he let her in, she didn't know how to greet him. Neither did he, she noticed. A small smirk crossed her lips as he pulled her into an awkward hug. Quickly he let go of her and led her into his apartment. He had moved in a few days ago, which was clearly visible. Although no work at the apartment was needed, there were no personal items. It wouldn't even surprise her if he had hired the furniture too.

They sat down at the couch. The tv was on, masking the silence. Before she knew it, they were both staring at the screen.

Dana swallowed a sigh. This was going to be a long night. Shaking off the awkwardness, she bent over and grabbed the remote control, switching off the tv.

"You got booze?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You wanna get wasted? You drivin' tonight."

"I'll sleep on the couch."

He seemed to hesitate.

"C'mon Hap. What else are we going to do? Stare at the tv all night long? We haven't had a single decent conversation the past ten years. I wanna talk to you tonight. And I believe a few drinks will help."

"I'm not much of a talker," he grunted.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh really? Good you point it out."

Sighing he got up, headed for the kitchen and came back with half a case of beer. "Enough?"

Lifting the corner of her mouth, she counted the bottles. "Ten. What if we ask each other five questions. One for every beer. Questions we will have to answer honestly."

He rolled his eyes. "That's a children's game.'

"Depends on the questions. C'mon..." She bumped her foot against his shoe. "Just do your little sister a favor."

"Fine," he grunted. He leaned over the table, popping the caps of two bottles and shoved one to her. "You start."

Dana kicked out her shoes, crossed her legs underneath her and turned towards him. "You ever considered a life without the club? I mean – settling down, starting a family?"

"No."

Dana huffed softly when he didn't elaborate. "You ever been in love?"

"This your second question?"

"I can elaborate on the subject as long as you haven't finished your beer," she decided with a smirk. "So tell me."

He shook his head. "No, never."

"Isn't that bothering you? I mean – you don't miss it?"

"You want me to be honest Dane? When I look at how much stress it causes the people I know, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit. I'm fine on my own. A chick in my bed is all I need 'em for."

It was hard to imagine – being 45 years old without ever having been in love. She however knew some people never developed romantic feelings and she was glad it was no struggle for him. "It can be nice too. I have a lot of beautiful memories."

"Beautiful memories that also hurt."

She dropped her eyes. That was true.

Happy put his empty bottle at the table, showing her this part of the conversation was over. Dana took her own beer, brought it to her lips and took a drink.

"Movin' to Tacoma made you happier?"

It was a question needing a bit of time to think about. "Yeah," she said eventually. "It's not always easy... But I believe this is best for everyone."

"Also for Juice?"

Hearing his name so all of a sudden, startled her. She fidgeted with the label on the bottle. "I guess. Fye tells me he's doin' better."

Happy snorted. "Yeah? Then she sees another Juice than me."

The voice of her brother sounded dark and she sat up straight. "What – what do you mean?"

"He's like a ghost, a shadow of who he used to be. If I look into his eyes I see nothing. Nothing. Not a glimmer of life, not a spark of happiness. He's not a drunk and he ain't aggressive, but this worries me much more. It feels like he's slowly dying."

Dana felt a stab in her stomach. With another swig she tried to flush it away. "It was his own decision," she said softly. "He didn't want me back."

"You never should have given up so soon."

She froze. "W-what? I tried everything I could! I  _wanted_ to start over, but he rather moved on with Fye!"

"And you never wondered why?"

"Of course I did! But all I get in return were vague answers. That I called up too many painful memories, that everything was easier with Fye." She held his glance. His eyes told her what he was thinking: that she was stupid for believing him. "He just didn't love me as much as I thought," she whispered. "And that was a slap in the face, after everything I've been through."

"He loves you more than you think."

Happy's voice had a suggestive tone, like she should draw a conclusion from it. She squinted her eyes. "Do you know what's holding him back?"

He sucked at the tooth prick between his lips. "I do," he said. "But it's not my call to tell you. Maybe you should play this game with him."

Sighing, she drank from her beer. "You wanna know why I gave up on him?"

He raised his eyebrows.

"Because Fye's pregnant. She's 3,5 months pregnant by now. He's going to be a dad – and after losing his child he deserves this chance on a new family."

"Fye is pregnant?" Happy stared at her in disbelief.

"She doesn't dare to tell him. She's not sure if she wants the child to grow up around his dad... because of his anger issues."

She dropped her eyes. Saying those words still hurt, just like the thought that Fye would give him what was taken from them. There was a deep, scorching pain – one only he knew.

She placed the bottle back on the table, she wanted to move to another subject before her mood was completely destroyed. "My turn. Tell me something nobody else knows about you."

Curiously she looked at her brother, wondering if he would bring up something lame or if he would allow their talk to go deeper. His eyes rested in hers, as if he was asking himself the same question. "What do you want, Dane?" he asked, his voice unusual soft. "You want us to get to know each other better? Or do you want us to get everything out at the table, talking about stuff normal people wouldn't want to talk about?"

"You were never a person who liked small talk. Just tell me what's in your heart, I don't think anything can shock me."

He nodded slowly. "I got nightmares," he said. "Tig is the only one who knows. I used to wake up screaming when we were in jail."

"Nightmares about me?"

He nodded, sighing. "About all the things he could do to you. All the things he probably did to you."

"But that's nothing to feel ashamed of, Hap. I have them too – as does Juice."

"It's different," he answered grimly. "Juice is a very emotional man – damn he's like a walking powder keg. You neither have trouble showing your emotions. But I – I can always control them. Ignore them. But at night... I lose control and I fucking hate it. I always sent Croweaters away once the sex is done, so they won't be around when I'm having another nightmare."

"And it doesn't go better since I'm back?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. Especially now you're back, I'm terrified to lose you again." He paused, taking a sip of beer. "You sure he's dead?"

"Yeah." She took a drink too. The question-for-a-beer method was no longer needed, now they were talking there were enough questions popping up. It wasn't hard to guess what he wanted to know next.

"How did you do it?"

Except for Kozik, she hadn't told anyone. Not even Kip. She however felt ready now. "After we faked my death, he became... gentler, just as I expected. He gave me more freedom. We moved to Eastern Europe because I wanted Casper to meet other kids. I could leave the house and I made no attempt to leave him. Not until much later, on Valentine's Day. We were doing bondage for a while... I was the one suggesting it so he wouldn't be alarmed once I cuffed him. I bought a police costume, cuffed him to the bed... We made out a bit and then I stabbed a knife in his neck."

Happy watched her face. Darkness was shimmering in his eyes, his jaw was tense. "That's all? He barely suffered?"

"It was quick. I wanted it to be quick – I just wanted the nightmare to be over. Killing him was just a necessity. He already had such a huge impact on my life, I didn't want vengeful thoughts to control my brain. I had peace with it. I watched him bleed to death and that was enough for me."

"He deserved to suffer," Happy grunted. "You should have left him to me. I would have ripped his skin from his body, I would have made him die a thousand deaths."

Dana sighed softly. He would never understand that it was not only Maddox she was killing, but also Ruben. It had to happen – but it hurt her too.

"I did what gave me the most certainty," she answered eventually. "Getting my son to safety was more important than making Maddox pay."

A small smile crossed his lips. "I'm proud of you, Dane. You're an amazing mom, despite everything you've been through. Not much people would have handled it so well."

She thought about her own mother. "You blame me?" she asked quietly. "For mom's death?"

"No. I rather blame myself than you. I should have taken care of our family, but I underestimated Maddox. I underestimated him so many times." He looked at her. Tears were shining in his eyes. "And I'm sorry, kid. I'm so sorry. My arrogance made your life hell."

Dana took a deep breath, her hands were shaking. Yeah, many times she had wondered how things would have played out if the guys had taken Maddox more seriously. But somehow, she believed Maddox would have outsmarted them anyway. She put down the bottle, shoved a little to the side and wrapped her arms around her brother.

He hugged her back, his arms tight around her. Suddenly his shoulders started to shake and she heard him sob. Hearing her brother cry, made the tears sting in her own eyes too. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You've gone through so much horror... and it's still not over. You still don't have your happy ending. I just wish – I just wish I could have done more."

"It's okay..." Dana answered quietly, rubbing his back. "It's okay, Hap. It's over. Things might not be how I want them to be, but we try to make the best of it and in the end we will all find our happiness." She let go of him and showed him an encouraging smile. "You did what you thought was best. We all did – and we all made mistakes."

"You didn't," he said softly. "You knew what he was capable of."

"After four years of blindness," she muttered. "And even after my first escape, I walked right into his trap." She sighed softly, then she decided to tell him. She had made horrible mistakes too. "Kozik and Juice are the only ones who know... But I'm the one who killed Opie, Hap. I had lunch with Ope when Maddox called me, telling me he was with Kenny and Ellie. He let a girl speak through the phone who sounded just like Ellie. Not for a moment I hesitated, even though I found out later they were in the clubhouse and not in danger at all. That's... that's how he liked to play his games."

"You – you killed Ope?" He stared at her in disbelief.

"Maddox made me choose. I had to kill Opie or he would kill Opie's kids. Opie wanted to be the victim. He – he was holding me when I did it." Her fingers were trembling as she wiped them across her teary eyes. It felt like a lifetime ago she shot her friend through the head. She couldn't even remember his voice, his smile. "Kozik was afraid of what Jax would do, so we made up a story to tell everyone."

"I – I can't believe you had it in you."

"To do what had to be done? That's what you always taught me, Hap." She gave him a small smile. "We should have called the clubhouse to see if Opie's children were really in danger. But we didn't. We made a bad judgement call, just like the time you barged into Maddox's house and was framed for the murder on that cop."

A deep silence fell. All subjects they had talked about up to know, were tough. Another one wouldn't make much difference. "How was it to see dad again?"

He heaved a deep sigh. "Weird," he said. "I didn't want to have anything to do with him, but since he had arranged my protection, I hadn't much of a choice. And after a while... I just accepted I was stuck with him. He was... different than I remembered. I always believed he was weak for using drugs. But all those years in prison... it made him powerful, he was able to get things done others didn't." He was silent for a while. "He got me a guard to torture who was connected to Maddox. That's how we learnt how Maddox earned his money. That's how Juice found out that his girlfriend was working for that asshole."

It did something to her, knowing that her father had tried to help her in prison. Things must have been tough for him too.

"You plan on going back? To visit him?"

Happy didn't answer. Instead, he studied her face, countering the question. " _You_  wanna visit him?"

She shrugged her shoulders. It had happened a long time ago. Now she had lost a daughter herself, she realized how much it had to hurt when your children were pretending that you were dead. "Yeah, I guess." Sighing, she took his hands in hers. "I'm just tired of it, Hap. Of being angry at people. It eats me. I've been angry all my life. At dad, at mom, at you. At all the friends turning their backs on me. And later, when I was stuck on that island... it was no different. I blamed you, Koz, Juice, myself... Cherry... Forgiving all of them gave me so much peace. Being angry is good, it's human... but after a while you have to let go of it. And I let it go. So yeah – I would like to see dad." She squeezed his hand. "And I think it would be nice if you'd come with me. If not only my relationship with dad will heal... but also ours. We both lost so much. I just... don't want to lose anyone else."

He showed her a rare smile. "My little sister. Already wiser than I'll ever be." This time, he squeezed her hand. "If you want to visit dad together, I'll go with you."

**. . .**

**Hey all! In case anyone's interested: I started an Instagram account for my fanfics. Feel free to follow: VenomisWritesFanfiction (:**


	112. Fye

Fye stared at the dark ceiling. She had rolled up her nightgown, her hand resting on her stomach. She could feel the small bump. She felt guilty. Today she had her first ultrasound – and Juice hadn't been there. Today's appointment was supposed to be a big stick, the ultimate deadline. 

Still, the truth hadn't passed her lips. And now, telling him about her pregnancy was harder than ever. Actually she was just waiting until he noted the baby bump himself, that was easier. Would he forgive her? Would he sent her away? Maybe that was what she was hoping for. That he would do what she couldn't: break up. She had been close to breaking up with him a few times now, but he was trying so hard... She knew he was in a deep valley again, that he was depressed. Instead of becoming a slave of alcohol again, he had a new obsession – physical exercising. He did it for her and for Mikey. He was tormenting himself; he came home late, feeling so exhausted he fell asleep right away. 

The front door closed. She rolled down her nightgown, and turned on her side. His footsteps came closer, went to the bathroom. The door closed. Water was turned on. 

Fye closed her eyes. A tear slipped between her eyelashes. It were the hormones, she told herself, things weren't that bad...

Ten minutes later he quietly entered the room. A nervous knot appeared in her stomach, speeding up her breathing. Would he just fall asleep again, without acknowledging her at all? She was craving for a touch, for a little bit of love. 

Whether he sensed it, longed for it himself or her breathing simply told him that she was still awake; he snuggled up to her, being the big spoon. He wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. The touch, no matter how small, made her tingle from top to toe. She knew it was a symptom of their dysfunctional relationship, but because of their many ups and downs it felt like she fell in love with him over and over again, always longing for a new first kiss. Her hand glided to his biceps and she pulled his arm closed around her. He didn't say a word, he just held her. Fye was glad about it. What was there still to say? She knew how hollow he felt, that he was plagued by flashbacks. Sometimes he woke up in cold sweat, in panic because he believed he had lost Dana. Some nights he was convinced that she was kidnapped, that he had to find her – and at others, he believed she was still dead; that her whole return had been a fantasy because he couldn't handle reality. 

It hurt her to see him suffer like that, to feel his longing to Dana and to know her friend longed for him too. More and more often she wondered if their struggle was even worth it. Their love was so strong... she actually believed Dana would forgive Juice for killing her friend. 

But Juice... She just couldn't convince him to tell her. He was so obsessed with not causing her more pain and he was so sure that Kip could give her what she needed that he happily sacrificed his own happiness. 

And hers. 

The grasp around her body weakened – he had fallen asleep. Fye didn't know if she minded. There was something sweet about it; his need to hold her. It was better than trying to escape the emptiness by fucking her. 

But she knew things couldn't go on like this. It tore her up, it tore him up... It would tear up their child.  _Somebody_  needed to be strong, and even though all Sons knew what was going on, not one of them was strong enough to say what needed to be said. And therefore, Fye decided to do it herself. 

* * *

Ever since Dana had left Charming, Fye had kept up appearances that everything went well between Juice and her. She didn't want to burden her friend with it, who was trying so hard to start over with Kip. But no matter how hard she tried; she belonged with Juice. 

Fye finally realized that too. 

The next time Dana and Fye were meeting somewhere in Tacoma to have a drink, it however was Dana who confronted her with her lies. 

"Juice isn't doing well at all, huh?" she asked quietly. 

Fye dropped her eyes. "Did Kozik tell you?"

"Happy did."

She sighed. "I wanted to give you and Kip a real chance. I thought things would be easier for you if you thought Juice was doing well."

Dana bent her head. Her thumb brushed her ring finger which had once been adorned by an engagement ring. "Happy says he's... like a ghost. Empty, extinguished."

"He misses you," she admitted. "He has a lot of flashbacks, believing you're dead, or held captive and raped. He exercises around five hours a day to silence his thoughts, but there isn't much he can do about the nightmares. He often wakes up terrified."

She saw how her words made Dana cramp up and she took her hand to give it a squeeze. "I'm giving up on him, Dana. I can't make him happy. It's you his heart is beating for."

"It's too late now," she muttered.

"Is it too late, Dana? You're not happy because he's not happy. You need him. He needs you. You two belong together. Deep down you both know it. I know it – and I guess Kip knows it too."

"But he gave up on me," she muttered. "I don't understand why, but he doesn't want me anymore." She wiped a few tears from her cheek. 

"He's afraid to hurt you." Fye took a deep breath. "He did something he's trying to hide from you. Something he believe will break you. He's afraid that you will hate him, that you will hate everyone connected to the club. That's the real reason he can't be with you anymore, Dane. He's rather miserable than risking to hurt you again. And he knows he can't keep it from you once you're together. You know him too well."

Dana looked up, her eyes full of emotion. "But what is he hiding?" She drank from her glass as if her throat was too sore to talk. "I've seen him at his worst. I know what he did to Lotte – I've  _seen_  it."

"It's not about Lotte." Fye paused, gathering her courage. It however was easier than she expected, it just needed to get out. Sooner or later, the truth will out. "He killed Cherry."

The glass apple juice slipped out of her hand and shattered on the ground. "W-what?"

"He saw her at your grave, dragged her into the clubhouse and put a bullet in her head."

Dana's face turned pale. Disgust filled her eyes. 

And right at that moment, Fye realized the guys had been right. 

Some horrors are better left buried. 

 


	113. Fye

Fye fidgeted with the hem of her blouse, feeling uncomfortable under Dana's gaze. As long as she knew the woman, she had been kind, but now – now it felt like something dark crept into her eyes. It scared her. Dana's jaw clenched, her shoulders were tense. 

"All this time you knew Cherry was dead?" she asked in a dangerously low voice. "And not only you – everyone I fucking know, knew she was dead?! Happy, Kozik...  _Kip_?!"

Fye sucked in her breath. Nervously, she dropped her eyes. It was hard to estimate what hurt her the most: the fact that she had lost another friend or that everyone had kept the truth from her. 

Roughly, Dana shoved back her chair. 

"Dana..." she said in a tiny voice. "I..."

Dana planted her hands on the table, leaning over to her and staring down at her.  _"What?!"_

"Where – where will you go?"

"That's none of your fucking business. Somewhere people ain't lying to me!"

"I'm sorry! I – I believed you had the right to know the truth!"

Dana huffed. "A little late, don't you think? Although... that isn't exactly the first time huh? Keeping important things to yourself!"

Fye flinched because of her snarl. Tears stung in her eyes. She didn't know what else she could say. Should she have told her sooner? This wasn't her fault, right? She had nothing to do with the murder of that girl.

Because of Dana's hostile reaction, she started to cry. Covering her face with her hands, she could feel Dana's scorching glare. 

"Are you fucking serious?" Dana taunted. "You think  _you_  have a right to cry? Fucking hell girl, grow up!"

After these words, Dana turned around and rushed away. Fye wiped her eyes, trying to control her breathing. What would she do now? Would she go to Juice? No – Dana didn't act so impulsively. She would rather pick up her child and look for a hotel somewhere outside  Tacoma and Charming, where she would deal with this shit. 

Dana would overcome this, she had no doubts. That woman was so unbelievably strong. 

Her thoughts shot to Juice. She had to tell him what she had done, she couldn't keep this from him  _too._ She already regretted her weakness for not being able to tell him about the baby. She wasn't going to make the same mistake again. Dana was right – it was time to act like a grown-up, to take responsibility. 

She would explain to Juice what she had done, why she had done it and if he would ask her why she had told Dana  _now_  instead of earlier, she would admit that it was because of the baby. Because she'd wanted to give their little family a chance. 

Fye was tempted to drive straight back home. However, it was a long ride and she didn't want to exhaust herself. She planned on spending the night at Dana's, but she didn't dare to go to her house now. And so, she paid for a night in a cheap motel and covered the space to Charming next day. 

* * *

She returned on Sunday by noon. On her way to the door, she silently prayed that Juice was in a good mood. Putting the key in the lock, she turned the knob around and stepped inside. Her fingers were trembling as she hung her coat at the rack and entered the living room. 

Juice and Mickey were sitting on the ground, playing with a Lego train. The sight of them made her fear disappear; as he was sitting there, he looked so innocent...

"Hi auntie Fye!" Mikey waved enthusiastically at her. "You wanna play with us too?"

Juice turned around. At first he looked a little surprised that she had come home so early, then his face became concerned. He wasn't stupid, he sensed something was wrong. 

"I... I have tell you something." Her eyes shot to the little boy. "Privately."

Juice raked his fingers through Mikey's hair, pressed a kiss on his head and gently shoved him towards his bedroom. "Go play in your room, I gotta talk to Fye."

The boy gave Fye a curious glance, then he disappeared through the door. 

Juice walked over to her and took her hands in his. He had never expressed this much concern – and deep down, she knew it was Dana he was worried about and not her. He knew where she went last night. Still, she felt a little more loved when he raised his hand and caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers. 

"What happened?" he asked quietly. 

His brown eyes were patient, making her swallow nervously. "I told her," she admitted. "About Cherry."

Juice's hand froze on her cheek. All color was drained from his face – despite his darker skin color he looked paler than Dana had done the night before. 

"W-what?" He stepped away from her, his eyes full of disbelief. 

A tear rolled down her cheek. "Juice you – you need her! I thought... I thought she would forgive you, that you two could finally find your happiness once she was over this! But... But..."

Although she'd seen him aggressive before, things happened so quickly she felt the pain before she understood what was happening. He grabbed her blouse and dragged her so violently to the side that her head slammed against the wall. Pain flashed through her skull. 

She cried out in pain, but Juice's hand closed around her throat, squeezing her windpipe. "Fucking whore!" he hissed. "You're a filthy rat, just like Lotte was! You were my old lady, I was supposed to trust you!!"

With his free hand, he lashed out. His rings tore the flesh from her cheek and she thought to hear her nose break. She wanted to scream, the pain was horrible, but he was still squeezing her throat. She tried to push him away, but his chest was hard as iron. 

The next blow was so hard her ears were ringing. He let go of her throat so she could breathe. Desperately she sucked in oxygen, but before she could say anything his fingers dug into her soft flesh again. 

"What the fuck were you thinking!" he screamed. "I trusted you, you stupid cunt! I gave up  _everything_  to make sure she would never know, so she wouldn't suffer anymore and you – you..."

He threw her back against the wall and hit her again. Her face was burning, it felt like her eye was bursting. She wavered. Instead of helping her to find her balance, he slammed his knee against her lowest ribs. 

She fell on the ground. Gasping for breath she curled up to protect her child. "Stop!!" she yelled. "Stop before you lose another baby!!"

If she believed that would make him come to his senses, she was wrong. Grabbing a fist full of her curls, he dragged her on her feet, with so much force she was afraid he was going to break her neck. The look in his eyes was one of pure rage – she saw no traces of the broken man she had fallen in love with. 

"You know that lie didn't save Lotte." He spitted in her face. "Why the hell would you think I'd fall for it now?!"

"Because it's true!" she yelled. "I'm four months pregnant Juice!! And if you had loved me just a little, you would have noticed!! But your thoughts are always with Dana! Look in my wallet if you don't believe me, I had my first ultrasound yesterday!"

For a few seconds he just stared at her. Then, his grasp weakened. Tears filled his eyes as the truth hit him.

Leaning with her hand against the wall, she stumbled away from him. Sobbing, she pulled her wallet out of her pocket and threw the picture of their unborn child at his feet. 

"Look at it!!" she yelled. "Look at it for it's the only image you'll ever see of your child, you psycho! You were right. You were fucking right. Dana is better off without you. But I am too!"

Now the tears had shown themselves, she no longer feared him. His regret would dominate his anger. He wouldn't touch her anymore.

"Fye..." he whispered when she stumbled towards the door. 

Fye ignored him. She did what she should have done a long time ago.

She slammed the door behind her.


	114. Dana

Dana was sitting at the bar, all alone, a cocktail in her hand. A silent toast to a life that had ended too soon. The taste of cherry filled her mouth, reminding her of the day her friend had made cocktails for them. She remembered the quarreling between Kip and Cherry, and the way Juice threatened to get him kicked out of the club if he took off her clothes during strippoker. She smiled as she remembered how she had cheated during the game so Juice would be the one unbuttoning her blouse. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel the light caresses of his fingers and see the longing in her eyes. 

The memory was like a broken dream. 

Cherry was dead. 

Kip was no longer that light-hearted, clumsy boy. 

Juice was no longer that Casanova with his dazzling smile. 

And she... she was no longer that girl who was constantly scared, who was always struggling with herself because she was endangering the lives of her friends. 

Together they had accepted the risks; they all had wanted to live, had wanted to feel free. 

And they all paid a horrible price for it. 

What would she tell her younger self? That she had to run back to Maddox? Or would she convince herself to cherish the beautiful moments and enjoy them as much as she could? 

Did the others regret meeting her? If all this happened to her now, would she go to her brother's clubhouse again? Or would she slit her wrists, knowing what fate awaited her friends? 

She took a deep breath and emptied the glass. This were enough sad thoughts for tonight. What's done is done. Cherry was dead and everybody had kept it from her. That was reality. She had no choice but to accept it and find a way to live with it. 

She felt betrayed by all the men she knew, and at the same time she understood why they'd wanted to hide it from her. It was true – she had already lost so many people. But did they really believe she would never find out? That the truth would slip nobody's lips, that she wouldn't ask them to track her down? Did they believe she wouldn't be able to get over it? She overcame Opie's death, she overcame Tabitha's death. This time, she would have moved on too.

But none of the people she loved, seemed to know the real her. 

* * *

It was late when Dana returned home. The tears were gone, just like most of her anger. 

As she entered the living room, she found Kip asleep on the couch, the tv still on. Picking up the remote control, she switched off the screen. 

The sudden silence seemed to startle him, for he sat up straight. "Hey," he said. "Where's Fye?"

"She went home." She put her bag on the ground and sat down next to him. The fact that she didn't greet him with a kiss, seemed to alarm him. 

"Why? She would stay tomorrow too, right?"

"She told me Kip. She told me what happened to Cherry."

For a few seconds he just stared at her, then he rubbed his face. "Fuck."

She huffed disdainfully. For a while she waited until he would say something, but he kept his mouth shut. 

"You ever plan to tell me at all?" she asked. 

"No. I thought the truth would only hurt you."

"She was my best friend Kip! Don't you think I had a right to know?"

Kip bent his head and stared at his hands. "I didn't know her, I didn't know you... I trusted the judgement of my brothers when they decided it was best for you if you would never find out."

She sighed softly. 

"I don't know anything about your friendship, Dane. I have no memories of her, and that's why it was never an issue. In my mind that friendship never really existed..."

Dana studied his face, although his voice told her he was telling her the truth. Every day, she saw him struggle with his memory loss. Because he only remembered the last two years of his life, he saw the world from a different perspective than everyone else.

"Did she suffer?" she asked. "Were you there?"

"I was... Before they took her out, I talked to her to see if she could trigger a memory. It was Kozik's job to put the bullet in her head, but he couldn't. Then, Juice snatched the gun out of his hand and ended her life. It was quick."

A silent tear glided down her cheek. Oh, she must have been so scared...

"Kozik was the only one who wanted to excommunicate her. Who told us you wouldn't want her to die. But Juice – Juice reminded us that his daughter died because of Cherry. That you died because of her. It was the only compensation he would get. It was right after your death... I understood him. She betrayed him, betrayed you. According to the club rules, traitors belong in a coffin."

Shakily, she breathed in, wiping her eyes. "Does she have a grave?"

Kip shook his head. "We cremated her after closing hours."

"Jeez." The thought that her friend lacked a memorial stone, like she'd never existed, caused a pang in her chest. It would take three more years before she would be legally dead; only then a headstone was a possibility. 

Kip scooted a little closer to her. Hesitating, he laid an arm around her shoulders. Despite her anger and shock, she longed for his embrace and laid her head against his shoulder. 

"Why did Fye tell you?" he asked. 

"Happy told me how miserable Juice is. I confronted Fye with her lies, and then she admitted that he missed me. I told her again I didn't understood why he didn't want me back... and then she told me the real reason."

"That was the only thing I ever kept from you, Dana." He kissed her temple. "You gotta believe that."

Dana stared at the floor. The fact that he had been  _able_ to keep something so important from her, told her enough. 

* * *

The whole night, Dana kept tossing and turning while she thought about what happened to Cherry. The next day, she didn't do much. She did some chores, cleaned up the place, took a bath. The gnawing feeling in her stomach however didn't go away. 

This house had been a safe place, something separated from her past. Now it felt like an illusion; she saw the darkness creep through the cracks. 

Her phone startled her. She hesitated when she saw Fye's name, but decided to take the call. 

"Dana?" the girl whispered. 

Hearing her desperate voice made her sit straight immediately. "Fye? What happened?"

"He – he beat me up. I left him." She started to sob. "I was on my way to you guys. I – I don't know if you want to see me but I – I got nowhere else to go. But my head... my head hurts so much, I don't dare to drive anymore."

"Where are you now?"

"Eugene. On a parking place in front of a hotel."

"We will pick you up, okay?" Dana jumped up. "Send me your location."

* * *

Four hours later, they found Fye's car; a little ahead of the hotel so she wasn't in plain sight. The girl was still sitting in the vehicle, her head leaning against the window. Kip opened the door and helped her outside. A shiver crept down Dana's spine when she saw the girl. Her whole face was battered and bruised; it was a miracle she made it to this place. 

Crying, Fye clung to Kip, who wrapped his strong arms around her. 

"You're safe now. Nobody will hurt you."

Dana took a deep breath. Tears were stinging in her eyes. 

Should she have seen this coming? Despite Juice's anger issues, she never expected him to hurt Fye physically. Man – how wrong had she been! 

"You gotta go to the hospital Fye," she said quietly, rubbing her shoulder. "The baby..."

"He only beat me in the face," Fye answered. "When I yelled at him that I was pregnant, he came to his senses." She started to sob. "I don't get it... I don't get why I waited so long to leave. Why I thought that I could take your place. I never want to see him again."

Sighing, Dana raked a hand through her hair. Damn – what a horrible way to find out about the baby. "Did you tell him that? That you never want to see him again?"

"I threw the ultrasound at his feet and told him it was the only picture he would ever see of our kid."

Her voice sounded bitter, but also a little proud. 

_Too late, girl. Way too late._

"I need to see him."

" _What?!_ " both Kip and Fye exclaimed. 

"How can you  _not_ hate him, Dane?" Fye sobbed. "How can you not hate him? Don't you see what he did to me? To someone he says he loves?"

"Three years ago I promised myself I would never hate someone again," she answered. "For it destroyed me. Hatred is like poison, it consumes you. Instead of hating, I taught myself to look at others with compassion. Yes – I felt sorry for Maddox; for how he had became. I wanted to help him. Fuck – I did everything I could to help him conquer the darkness inside him and still I failed. But Juice..." She shook her head. "Juice isn't lost. I can help him – if he finally accepts my help! And now everything is on the table, I believe he will."

"But really Dane –  _now?!_ " Kip asked skeptically. "Just look at that girl! She needs a doctor. Juice can handle a few more days without you."

She shook her head. There was a stinging, gnawing feeling inside her stomach that was growing stronger and stronger. "Juice is convinced that I hate him now, he knows he lost Fye  _and_ that he will father a child he will never meet. He lost everything, Kip. He tried to kill himself several times before." Tears filled her eyes. "And I can't think of a reason why he would still want to fight, if it's not for me and Fye."

Her fingers were shaking as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and tapped on his name. With a pounding heart, she waited until he picked up. 

"C'mon Juice," she whispered. "Please pick up the phone baby."

 


	115. Juice

His fingers glided across the smooth, cold steel. It was as inviting as it was hideous. The Glock was resting in his lap – for a couple of hours now. 

He wasn't in a hurry. 

Nobody would find him here. Ever. 

Within two hours the sun would set, maybe that was what he was waiting for. To see a last bit of beauty, before he would close his eyes forever. A piece of beauty he wasn't able to destroy, that would still be there after his last heartbeat died away. 

Would they suspect anything? Someone had probably called the clubhouse because nobody had picked up Mikey from school. With a tight feeling in his chest he thought about the boy, who had already gone through so much. But this was what was best for him. He could better stay in a foster home than with his twisted uncle. 

It was best for everyone if he was no longer there. 

For his unborn child. 

For Fye. 

For Dana. 

He would no longer be able to hurt them – that is, if they would ever want to see him again. It would probably offer them peace, they would acknowledge the justice in his death. This was no act of desperation, like it had been in the past. 

It was an act of determination. 

He was a monster – and the monster had to die. Something he didn't want to burden anyone else with – so that's why he would kill it himself. Here, next to the first memory of the darkness that was hiding inside him.  _She_ had awakened the beast, with the lies she had whispered in his ear. In the end, the monster had strangled her, had scattered her remains across this place... And it was here where he wanted to let go of his own life. 

Where it was peaceful, where there was an intense sadness underneath the surface – but where also fond memories were lingering. Memories of his brothers, who had all been here for him when he scattered Lotte's ashes and raised the angel statue. And with Dana... He had been here with Dana too. They had hold hands here, they had sat in the grass. He had cried, pressing his face in her golden locks while holding her tight. He had even considered to tell her about Cherry. 

 _"I could never hate you, Juice._ "

She'd said those words to him, but he had never believed her. He knew she hated him now, he could feel it. A part of his heart had always been connected to hers. There had been a glimmer of warmth – a glimmer that was gone now. 

She was done with him. 

He took a deep breath, taking in the scent of the greenery and listening to the songs of the birds. Would he miss this? Would he be  _able_  to miss things? Was there a second life, a place where his daughter was waiting for him? 

He doubted it. Even if there was a heaven and a hell, he would go to the latter. People like Maddox would be his company. Whatever was waiting for him; he would be separated from Tabitha for the rest of his... existence. But maybe it was for the best; she better never discovered what a waste of space her father was. 

He picked up the gun, closed his fingers around it. His temple, inside his mouth... He wasn't sure yet. But he still had time – he wanted to see the sunset one more time. When the world turned dark, he would stay in that darkness. 

His phone was vibrating in his pocket. Reflexively he took it out and glanced at the screen. His eyes widened when he saw the caller. It wasn't one of his brothers, it was Dana. 

Should he take the call? Hear her voice one last time? Would he get the chance to say goodbye to her? She probably just wanted to berate him; he knew Fye had gone to her. She deserved it, the chance to vent, to tell him she was done with him, that she never wanted to see him again. It might give her some peace... and maybe he would find peace too, knowing this was what was best for them. 

Nevertheless, his fingers were trembling as he took the call and pressed the device against his ear. He bent his knees and stared down. "Hey," he whispered. 

"Juice! Thank god!!" Her voice sounded emotional, making the hairs on his arms rise. "Where are you?"

Her question confused him. Why would she care where he was? She should insult him, should express her hatred. "I'm alone," he muttered.

"You took pills?"

"W-what?" His stomach cringed. 

"Last time you tried to kill yourself with pills. You did it again this time?"

"No," he muttered. He ran a hand across his mohawk – the conversation had taken a whole different turn. 

"Where are you?" she asked again. 

He was silent for a while. Still, he couldn't think of a reason to lie. "At the lake where I scattered Lotte's ashes."

"I'm on my way to you."

His hand was shaking so heavily the phone almost slipped from between his fingers. "Why?" he whispered. 

Suddenly she started to sob. "Because I'm worried, Juice. I feel... I can feel the fight inside your head."

Hearing her pain, caused his own tears to roll down his cheeks. "I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore," he sobbed. "If I'm no longer here..."

"That's how you will hurt me, Juice. You will cause me more pain than anyone ever did."

He flinched. "You should hate me," he whispered. "You should hate me Dana."

"I love you. I still love you and I will always love you. Please baby. Don't let me find your body when I get there."

His mind simply couldn't understand. How could she still love him? 

A deep, intense silence fell. He still heard her sobs; the background noises told him she was driving. 

"How did you plan to do it?"

Juice stared at the weapon in his lap. "I was waiting... for the last sun rays." He wiped his eyes. "I took my gun with me."

"You still want to end your life? Now you know – now you know I still love you? Now you know how much pain you would cause me?"

"No." He bit his lip. "But I... I neither know if this is real. Dana would – Dana would never forgive me. For what I did to Cherry."

"I never said I forgave you. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I want you to hurt yourself. I – I need you Juice. I feel hollow without you, incomplete like half of my soul is just... ripped away. I know you feel it too. Give me – please give me a chance before you give up. I believe we can conquer the darkness inside you. I still believe in our love. That it can heal our wounds, that we can be together again. Please baby, throw that gun in the lake, wait for me and... and give us a chance. Give us a chance after everything we've been through – so all our suffering wasn't in vain." She paused, then she whispered: "So that our baby didn't die for nothing."

A sharp pang went through his midriff and he squeezed his eyes shut. The pain festered through every cell of his body. 

_Our baby._

"I'm a monster Dana," he whispered. 

"There's a monster  _inside_  you," she corrected him. "And he can come out. I believe we can get him out." She was silent for a while. Juice was quietly sobbing, tears kept rolling down his cheeks. "Do you love me, Juice? Do you  _really_  love me?"

It was the only thing Juice was sure of right now. "I love you more than anything or anyone in the world."

"You love me more than you hate yourself?"

He bent his head and whispered. "I don't know."

"It's a choice you have to make. Do you choose love or do you choose hate?"

"Love," he murmured. "I choose love."

"Then walk to the waterfront and throw the gun as far as you can. Do it for me, Juice, if you can't do it for yourself. Do it for me and for Tabitha."

He wanted it – he wanted to walk to the shore and do what she told him, but his limbs were heavy as lead and it felt like a dark force was pushing him down. Icy goosebumps spread across his arms. For a moment it felt like there was another presence, as if his darkness had found a way out. 

He thought about Maddox, about the maniacal smirk on his face when he had been up at the pulpit, looking down at him like the supreme demon he was. 

That day, Maddox had won. 

And now, it felt like the man was standing in front of him again – the man who had taken everything from him. 

Again he was bound, again he could only face his defeat. 

 _Maddox is gone, Juice._ A whisper swirled around him like a breath of wind.  _Break your ties to him. Shake off his darkness. Walk to the water and throw the gun in it._

"Okay." His lips were trembling, his whole body shaking as he got on his feet. It were heavy steps, like he was struggling through a swamp, but he kept going until he reached the waterfront. "I'm on the water," he said quietly. 

"I'm proud of you, my love. Throw it in the water."

And so he did. He swung the gun as far as he could. Right after that, he dropped down in the grass and started to cry – cry like he hadn't done in months. 

For the first time in his life, it felt liberating. 


	116. Dana & Juice

As the battery for her phone dropped to 30 percent and she started to fear that the thing would be dead before she found Juice, he promised to call her every 30 minutes to assure her that he was still alive. The knowledge that he had tossed his gun in the lake calmed her down a little, but it didn't completely take away her fear. 

There were many other ways to end his life. During the ride, images kept haunting her, increasing her stress levels until she almost crashed two times; there really had to be an angel watching over them. 

Finally she reached the location Juice had texted her. Parking Fye's car next to his bike, she grabbed her phone to have some light and searched for a path between the trees. It didn't take long before she arrived at the hill giving her a view of the lake and the angel statue on the water front. 

There he was sitting, on the shore. His knees bent, his arms wrapped around them. Too entangled in his thoughts to notice her. Tears of relief rolled down her cheeks. He was alive. He was really alive.

Although she felt exhausted because of her emotions and the long ride, she started to run, even though the rough terrain caused her to almost fall three times. Finally he swung his head to the side. The moment he saw her, he jumped up and ran towards her. 

She flew into his arms and clung to him, crying shamelessly. His body was shaking, just like hers. He wrapped his arms tight around her, burying her face in the crook of her neck. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry for everything."

Dana pulled back a little and took his face between her hands. She looked into his stormy eyes, saw his pain, his fear, his self hatred. He had been so close to dying today... That knowledge tore her apart, giving her the feeling this was just an illusion. 

"I felt it," she whispered back. "I felt your despair. If I hadn't called you..."

A pang went through her chest. Suddenly she felt freezing cold. Imagines of Juice's lifeless body flashed by. How many times had she held his corpse in her arms during her nightmares? And now, now Maddox was dead, she had almost lost him. For eternity. 

The only thing she was able to think, was that she never wanted to lose him. She wouldn't allow him to push her away again. 

"I love you," she said softly. 

Disbelief was washing over his face. Words wouldn't convince him, he had to  _feel_ it. And so, she placed her lips on his and kissed him. It felt like the atmosphere was electrically charged, as if electricity was crackling around them. His lips were quivering, his fingers shaking as he raked them through her hair. 

His tongue glided across her bottom lip and she let him in. The longing they had suppressed for weeks unleashed. The kiss became intenser, their embrace more intimate. Dana could only think of the lover she had lost; she breathed him in, was intoxicated by the desire that was radiating from him. His fingers entangled on the back of her head, his lips moved across her jaw and down to her neck. Her hands were tingling as she shoved them underneath his shirt, exploring the body she desired so much and which she had missed so terribly. Goosebumps spread across her body as his lips reached the crook of her neck. 

"Dana..." he said softly when she started to tug at his shirt. "I'm not sure if..."

"I want you." She knew this was wrong; she had a boyfriend who was waiting for her. But the fire raging in her body was unquenchable, she couldn't ignore this smoldering passion. "I don't want to wait anymore. I waited four fucking years Juice."

She pulled her shirt over her head and dropped it in the grass, then she unbuttoned her pants and lowered them down, standing in front of him in only her lingerie. She heard him breathe in sharply. 

She looked up to him. His eyes were full of confusion; she felt how he was fighting the longing to which she had surrendered the moment she touched his skin. Right now, she didn't want to think about right or wrong. Right now, she just wanted to  _feel,_ she wanted to feel what she had cherished for so many years, where she had craved for so much. 

"It feels wrong," he whispered. "I don't... I don't deserve to feel the way you will make me feel."

"But I  _do_ deserve it," she insisted. "After everything I've been through, I deserve the love of the man I love."

He pulled back his arms. A stab in her stomach made her cringe. Was he rejecting her? She had no idea how she would respond as he rejected her  _again._ His hands however moved to the hem of his shirt and he pulled it over his head. Moonlight washed over his perfect upper body; the sight of it made her tingle with desire. His belt was clinking as he unbuckled it, then his pants slipped down so he was only wearing boxers. 

In silence, he took her hands and brought them to his lips. He kissed her knuckles, then he looked up to her. His cheeks were rosy. "I love you. I love you so much Dana. Whatever it is that makes you happy, I want to give it to you."

Dana knew it were no empty words – he had already given up everything in an attempt to make her happy. She stepped closer to him, so their stomachs were touching. Her eyelids dropped down as a wonderful shiver went through her body. With the fingers of her right hand she stroked his face while lavishing his lips with kisses, until his tongue claimed hers. 

Slowly, they examined each other's body. It was strange; it felt both new and familiar. Her skin was tingling underneath his touch as his hands glided across her back and stomach. As he unhooked her bra and slid down the straps, she sighed in relief. His rough palms pressed her breasts together and for a moment he broke the kiss to look down. 

"You're so beautiful," he said breathlessly. "So fucking beautiful."

He kneaded her, tugged at her nipples; every caress touched parts of her deep below her skin, there where no one but him had ever reached into. His lips wandered down across her neck, peppering kisses across her breasts and he sucked her until she was shaking in anticipation. Her hands glided into boxers and hugged his muscled cheeks while she pulled his waist against hers. Her longing for him was so heavy that she could barely breathe anymore. Her muscles close to her core were clenching impatiently; she wanted him, she wanted to feel him so deep inside her that she finally felt whole again. 

Her hand glided to his front, she wrapped her fingers around his pride. 

"Oh Dane," he moaned as she grabbed him a little firmer after stroking the soft skin. 

"I want you," she said in a hoarse voice. "I need you so desperately it's all I can think about."

* * *

He wanted her too. 

Man – he wanted her so much he was about to cry. Trying to hide his tears he started to kiss her. Her neck, her bosom, her stomach, lower and lower, from her hips down to her ankle. To get there, he dropped down in the grass, looking up to her. Unsure, afraid it was nothing but an illusion, a last fantasy of something he had lost a long time ago. She sank down on her knees, caressed his face, kissed him. Her lips left heated trails across his skin, and every kiss he cemented into his memory. 

It felt real – it felt so real...

She kissed him down to his waist, took off his last piece of clothe where after her tongue and lips made him groan. His skin was pulsating underneath her heat, chasing flashes of pleasure through his body. He touched for her hips until his fingers stroked the lacy thong she was wearing. She was so beautiful, so unbelievably hot. She was a little fuller due to her two pregnancies, but she was more beautiful than ever. 

Pregnancies... A sad feeling washed over him, knowing they couldn't continue this while he doubted it would ever happen again. 

"I didn't take any condoms. Are you still on birth control?"

"I didn't take my pills with me," she answered. "I left in a hurry." She looked up to him, the love shining in her eyes taking his breath away. "I want this, Juice. I want you. I want us. I want you to never leave me again. And if the universe wants us to have another child, I'd be nothing but happy."

Speechless, he looked at her. The moon shone down upon her pale skin, calling up memories of the many times they had made love underneath the Mexican night sky. 

"Promise me Juice," she whispered. "Promise me you'll never leave me again."

He tried to swallow and was too late to blink away all his tears. One rolled down his cheek. 

"I promise. I want to be yours again Dana. If you – if you are still able to love me after everything I did, I want to be yours."

"Forever?"

"Forever," he promised. 

The smile his words caused on her face, filled his body with a deep heat, a warmth that had been gone for years. 

Dana rolled down her thong and bent over him. While kissing him, she lowered herself down on him. Even without foreplay she was ready for him – her longing was enough. 

As she glided around him, all thoughts slipped out of his head. His hands roamed across her breasts, her sides, her lips crashing down on his. She on top of him – it was like the first time they made love. This time however he wasn't afraid of the memories he would call up – this time there was no fear at all. She rose up, her fingernails scraping his chest as she started to ride him. 

Fuck – she felt so amazing. He felt how his body responded to her, how his dick was throbbing, dying for release, how his arms and legs were trembling. He wouldn't last long. 

"Lay down baby," he said quietly. "I – I just want to be inside you."

He didn't want to cum, not yet, he just wanted... her. Being together. Being one. 

She bent over, laid down, her stomach warming his, her breasts softly pressing against his chest. 

As he saw the insecure look in her eyes, he kissed her lips. "I don't want this to be over yet," he said in a husky voice. "But I... I can't take much more. I want this for such a long time, and so badly..."

He raked his fingers through her beautiful hair, softly grazing his nose across hers. Their bodies intertwined, they were lying in the grass, completely still. He loved it, to fill her, to be inside her, to be hers. Slowly, she started to kiss his neck, lacing their fingers and laying their hands next to them in the grass. 

"I wish we could lie like this forever," he whispered. 

A breath of wind caressed their naked bodies, making Dana shiver. 

"Yeah," she whispered. "This is why you are the only one I can be with, Juice. Because there is no pain. Because this is where I belong, this is where I feel whole. With you inside me."

They kissed each other again. Their passion flared up, they sighed and moaned and whispered sweet words while they bodies were slowly moving in their game of love. He loved her, she loved him, and together they recovered their lost love, beneath the starry sky, on the day on which they had almost lost each other for good. 

 


End file.
